Heritage
by MistressMacha
Summary: A traumatic event not only tests the limits of personal resilience and loyalty, but also forces Elliot and Olivia to consider the power and importance of past events and heredity in dealing with the consequences. Rated M for graphic sexual violence
1. Chapter 1

**_A/N: First chapter of my newest story, so please let me know what you all think and send me a quick review!_**

'Elliot, do not do anything stupid.' Olivia put a restraining hand on his shoulder. 'This guy already killed three cops and five women. He now has not only a knife, but also two police-issue handguns. Sit the fuck down and don't provoke him.'

Elliot rolled his eyes impatiently. 'What the hell would you suggest we do then?'

She sat back against the wall. 'Sit tight and wait for someone to come.'

He snorted. 'No one's coming.'

'Yes. Yes, they are.'

He could tell that she was trying her best to sound convincing, but Elliot wasn't buying it. 'How, Liv? How do you know that? How the fuck could they? They don't know where the hell we are!'

'Well, whose fault is that?' snapped Olivia angrily. 'Oh, Liv, let's just look at this one place, Liv, I promise it won't take long, Liv, it'll be fine, Liv...'

'It was just one last thing-'

'We were on our way to an NYPD charity dinner event, Elliot! I'm wearing high heels! And a dress! I'm not exactly dressed for mortal peril right now, am I?'

Elliot shrugged. 'I don't know, I'm quite enjoying it.'

Olivia shot him a dirty look and elbowed him in the ribs.

The man sitting in front of the door with his head in his hands suddenly looked up at them. 'Will you SHUT THE FUCK UP!'

'Look, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, we'll be quiet.' Olivia shot Elliot a look. 'I-'

'NO!' Now the man was looking behind them. 'YOU! YOU SHUT UP! LEAVE ME ALONE!'

_What? I'm sitting with my back to a wall..._ Olivia risked a glance behind her anyway. 'There's no one there, Michael.'

'Don't LIE to me!' He gestured wildly with the gun. 'They're everywhere, I can hear them...'

'I thought you said that psych eval came back clean,' hissed Olivia.

'It did...' Elliot made a mental note to speak with Huang about the 'friend' he had recommended to the unit in his absence.

She shook her head. 'This guy should be in a hospital...'

'Well, it's a bit late for that now.' Elliot silently cursed the bottom-feeder attorney who'd managed to get this psycho released on bail.

OIivia cleared her throat. 'Michael? Michael?'

His head jerked up. 'How do you know my name? Who told you?'

'Your doctor did. Do you remember Doctor Headley?'

His eyes narrowed. 'She works for them. She told them all about me. That's how they knew where to find me...'

'Michael, Doctor Headley wants to help you. Don't you want to go and talk to her?'

Michael hesitated and crouched down in front of her. 'Can you tell them to stop?'

'Can I tell who to stop?' Olivia had a nasty feeling that she already knew the answer to that.

'Them! The people who won't shut up! Please, just MAKE THEM STOP! They won't leave me alone, they won't let me sleep, they just keep going on and on and on and on...'

'I'm sorry, I can't, but you know what? If you'll just let me and my partner here go, then we can get someone who can help you.' Olivia smiled at him reassuringly. 'Would you like that?'

Michael fixed her in a cold stare. 'I don't believe you.'

'Well, I-'

'No, shut up! Leave me alone!' He began pounding on the wall with his fists. 'I CAN HEAR YOU! I KNOW YOU'RE OUT THERE!' Michael spun around again and shoved the gun in Olivia's face. 'Make them stop.'

Olivia took a deep breath and tried to control her voice. 'I'm sorry, Michael, but I can't. Now, why don't we talk about this-'

'SHUT UP!' He jabbed the barrel of the gun against her forehead. 'Don't lie to me!'

Olivia swallowed nervously. 'I'm not lying...' She felt Elliot take her hand and stroke it reassuringly. 'I promise you, I'm not lying.'

He suddenly looked like he was about to cry. 'Why won't you help me?'

Elliot cleared his throat. 'Michael, where do you hear the voices coming from?'

He looked around him, his eyes filled with terror. 'They're everywhere, I hear them everywhere, they're always watching...'

'Well, you know what? I'm a police detective. It's my job to find people. If you let my partner here go, I promise I can help you find them.'

Michael looked at him suspiciously. 'Really?'

Elliot nodded. 'Yes.'

His eyes narrowed. 'How do you know?'

Elliot smiled confidently. 'I just do.'

Michael appeared to consider it before his face contorted with rage. 'No, no, NO, you're trying to TRICK ME, you BASTARD...' He began to pace around the small room, beating at the sides of his head with his fists. 'Why won't they STOP, make them STOP...'

Olivia decided to try again. 'Michael?' She waited a minute. 'Michael?'

He ignored her and carried on pacing. He seemed to have forgotten that they were there. Elliot briefly considered making a dash for it, but Michael was still between them and the door. It would only take a second for him to react and block their way, and there was no way that Elliot could bring himself to take that risk with Olivia there. He squeezed her hand and she looked at him, her eyes wide. 'El...' For the first time he could actually hear fear in her voice.

He put his arm around her. 'It's OK, Liv, I'm here.' He smiled at her reassuringly. She chewed her lip and laid her head in his shoulder, and he sighed and squeezed her hand again. 'I promise you, Liv, I'll make sure it's OK.' _Actually, that's not true. I'll make sure you're OK. There's a difference._ 'Do you trust me?'

She nodded. 'Yes, I do.'

He smiled again and wrapped his arm around her tighter. 'There we go then.' He stroked her hair. 'It'll be fine, Liv, really it will.'

'But what if it's not?'

'It will.' He smiled at her.

'STOP TALKING! STOP TELLING THEM THINGS! I KNOW YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT ME!' He hit Elliot with his gun. 'STOP IT, STOP IT!' He began to kick out at the walls. 'LEAVE ME ALONE! I'LL KILL YOU ALL!'

Olivia felt a rush of panic. 'Oh Jesus, El, oh my God...' She bit her lip, and then suddenly she was kissing him, her hand holding the side of his face. She felt his thumb beginning to stroke the side of her neck and he was kissing her back, his hand in her hair...

The door crashed open and they sprang apart awkwardly as the room filled with uniform. 'Michael Lewis, drop your weapon and put your hands where we can see them!'

Michael broke into a wide smile. 'Have you come to save me?'

'Yes, Michael.' Elliot cleared his throat awkwardly. Beside him Olivia was staring intently at the floor, steadily turning redder and redder. 'They've come to save you.'

Michael burst into tears. 'Thank God!' He dropped the gun on the floor and threw his arms around the nearest officer, who almost fainted with shock. 'Thank God...'

Another officer whistled. 'Wow, I wish they were all that easy.'

'Ha, I know.' Elliot shifted uncomfortably. 'Thanks for, uh, helping us.' _Would have been nice if you'd gotten here, oh, I don't know, an hour ago, but better late than never... _'It, you know, got a bit rough there towards the end.' _Not that I was scared or anything._

One of the officers raised an eyebrow at them. 'I don't know, seemed to me that you two were getting on just fine on your own when we got here.'

Olivia somehow managed to blush an even brighter red.

x-x-x-x-x-x

Olivia and Elliot walked back to his car in silence, and it was almost twenty minutes into their drive back through the city before he finally said anything.

'So what do you want to do now?' _Do I mean this evening, or with us?_ He didn't really know. _Just see what she says._

'Uh...'_ Does he mean this evening, or with us? Assume it's this evening. You can always go on from there later._ Olivia cleared her throat. 'Well, do you still want to go to that dinner?'

_OK, that had made how she felt pretty clear._ Elliot kept his eyes on the street ahead. 'I don't think that would be a good idea.' _I don't think I could bear it right now. Not with you in that dress. Not after what just happened._

'Oh, OK.' _Well, this is awkward. Looks like he's decided what he wants anyway. He can't even bear to look at me._ Olivia fell silent and looked out of the window as he drove through the city. She didn't want to risk looking at him in case she cried.

The ride seemed to take forever, neither of them saying a word to each other, before he finally parked outside the precinct building. 'Is it OK if I just drop you here?' _If I have to sit in silence for a minute more, I think I might say something stupid._

'Oh.' Olivia tried to hide her surprise. She'd just assumed that he'd drive her home. _Come on, Olivia, of course he wasn't going to drive you home. Yes, he normally does, but that was before you ruined twelve years together by deciding to try and kiss him._ 'Uh, sure.'

'It's just easier than having to drive all the way up to the Upper West Side and then back down to my place in Brooklyn.' He still wasn't looking at her. He didn't dare. _She can't even bring herself to look at you right now, Elliot. Don't make it worse by accidentally letting her see how you feel about her. _

Olivia bit her lip and nodded, looking at the floor. 'Of course, I understand.' _Do not cry in front of him._ 'Thanks for the ride, El, see you Monday.' She slammed the car door behind her and walked away, waiting until she saw his taillights disappear around a corner before slumping down on the nearest bench. This was not a good day for her. She buried her head in her hands. _How could you have been so stupid? You've ruined everything now._ She sighed.

'Bad day?'

She glanced up and saw a man sitting next to her. _Where'd he come from? Jeez, Olivia, way to be observant._ She smiled ruefully. 'Believe me, you have no idea.'

He laughed. 'Me too.' He smiled at her and stuck out his hand. 'I'm Jon.'

'Olivia.' She held out her hand to shake but instead he took it, raised it to his lips and kissed it. She felt her stomach flutter a little.

He let her hand go and sat back again. 'Want to talk about it?'

'Not really.'

'Ah.' He raised his eyebrows at her. 'Man problems?'

She rolled her eyes and laughed. 'That easy, huh?'

'Lucky guess.' He took her hand again. 'Though, if you don't mind me saying so, anyone who couldn't appreciate someone as lovely as you are doesn't deserve you.'

Oddly enough, she didn't mind. 'Well, it's nice to know that at least one person thinks that anyway.'

He smiled, leaned in and kissed her, and Olivia hesitated for a second. _Hell, at least someone likes you, try living dangerously for once._ Suddenly he pulled away. 'It's pretty chilly out here. Are you cold?'

_What?_ 'Uh, yeah, a little...'

He nodded. 'Me too.' He grabbed her arm and hailed a cab. 'Come on, we're going back to your place.'

**_A/N: So, this is my first new story in a while, so let me know what you all think so far and send me a quick review or two so I know if it's worth pushing on with!__ It'll take you less than 30 seconds to write but it means so much to me to get feedback! Thanks!_**


	2. Chapter 2

**_A/N: Thanks for all your reviews of both Chapter 1 of this and of all my other stories, and I hope that you enjoy this one too (in as much as you can really enjoy something like this.) _**

**_Just as a warning: this is not a nice chapter. There is explicit language and graphic sexual violence/rape. If you don't feel comfortable with either of those things, or if you are easily offended, I'd advise against reading it. _**

**_As far as the subject matter goes - I'm aware it's a very sensitive subject, and believe me when I say I thought long and hard about how to do it. I have been there myself, and a lot of both this chapter and the later chapters are based on my own personal experience. I haven't just thrown myself into writing something like this without any idea of what it must actually be like for a victim - I have been one. I know. And writing this was actually very cathartic for me, especially the later chapters. I've been wanting to write something like this for a while. I've chosen to do it in this way because I was interested in exploring how Olivia might deal with something like this, partly because I identify with her character so much, and partly because she's one of my great role models in life. _**

**_If you have your own experiences of this, I have a blog addressing my own past as well as offering support to people who need it - the link is on my profile page. If you want to go ahead and read this chapter now - I hope you find it interesting. Please send me a review and let me know - it was difficult to write and I'd love to know what you all thought of it._**

**_EXTRA NOTE: Because the site is cracking down on violence and smut, I have been forced to edit this chapter pretty massively. I'm going to try and rewrite the ones I'm going to be editing, but in the meantime there'll be a big gap. _**

**_Also, if you want to read the original unedited version, send me a quick review saying so and I will get on it for you! In this chapter, it's especially important, but - it's your call._**

CHAPTER 2

After four hours together at her apartment, talking and working their way through Olivia's drinks cabinet, Olivia couldn't remember why exactly she didn't do this more often. This was the most fun she'd had in years. 'Jon, do you want another drink?'

'Not right now.' He settled back against the couch cushions. 'This is really good whisky, Liv, I'm impressed.'

She smiled and took another sip of her drink. 'My partner brought it back from Ireland for me.'

Jon looked at her and smiled sympathetically. 'Is this the same partner you had the fight with earlier?'

She bit her lip and nodded, looking down at the floor. 'Yes.'

'Well, forgive me for saying so, Liv, but the guy seems like a complete prick to me.'

'He's not that bad really.' _He really wasn't._ She sighed, and then felt Jon move closer to her on the couch. _Shit._ 'He's, you know, uh, not really a bad guy, not a bad guy at all, just a bit stubborn, and-'

He put his drink down, leaned in and kissed her. She hesitated. _OK, this isn't so bad, when was the last time you had a date that went this well?_ She hesitantly began to kiss him back, still keeping her hands down by her sides. He moved in closer and put his hand on her shoulder, and suddenly Elliot's face popped into her head. _What the hell does Elliot have to do with this? It's not like he wants you._ Jon was still kissing her, his other hand moving up her leg, and she impatiently pushed away any thoughts of Elliot. _For once I want to do something that he wouldn't approve of._

Jon was kissing the side of her neck. 'Are you always this tense, Liv?'

_Only when I'm being groped by a complete stranger a couple hours after I unsuccessfully put the moves on my oldest friend._ 'I guess I'm just tired.'

'I hope you're not too tired...' Both his hands were gripping the sides of her waist as he leaned in to kiss her again.

She smiled awkwardly and turned her head away, biting her lip. However much she tried, she still couldn't stop thinking of Elliot._ OK, maybe this was a bad idea after all. Just send Jon home now, go to bed and then you can phone Elliot in the morning._ She pushed him away from her, got up and walked over to the side table to pick up her glass. 'Actually, you know, I, uh, I think I'm going to call it a night. Do you want me to call you a cab while you finish your drink?'

He stood up, his eyebrows raised. 'What, just like that?'

Olivia felt a twinge of unease and put the glass back down. 'What do you mean?'

'Well, I've come up here, I've spent the whole night sitting here and listening to your stupid whining and boring stories, you don't really think that I'm going to leave without getting something back, do you?'

_OK, stay calm. The guy's just being a jerk, it doesn't mean anything, don't overreact. _'I'm sorry if you think I've misled you, but I-'

He cut her off. 'I mean, come on, Liv, I wasn't just out there by chance, and neither were you. I knew that I was going to meet someone special tonight, and it was you, I knew it as soon as I saw you...' He moved in and grasped her shoulders, trying to kiss her.

She pushed him away and took a step back. 'No. I think you should leave.'

'What do you mean, NO?' He laughed. 'You brought me back here, Liv, you let me up to your apartment, you can't say no now!'

'Yes, I can.' Olivia tried to keep her voice from trembling. She was suddenly horribly aware of what a dangerous situation she had gotten herself into solely out of some stupid fit of pique. 'Please leave.'

'Oh, I get it, you want to play.' He smiled. 'God, Liv, you are such a tease.' He grabbed the back of her head, twisting her hair painfully around his fingers, and kissed her. She tried to turn her head away and he pulled hard on her hair, forcing her head backwards and tearing her hair out at the roots. She cried out and he began to kiss her neck before forcing her down to her knees. He still had her hair twisted tightly around his hand, and he wrenched her head back to look up at him as he began to undo his trousers and pushed them down. 'Do you ever look, Olivia?'

She blinked, trying not to cry as she averted her eyes. _He'd seemed so nice..._

'I said, do you ever look?'

She shook her head. _Please, please don't do this, oh no, please..._

'I bet you never look, Olivia. Look at it!' He forced her head forwards, pressing it into his groin. 'LOOK AT IT!' She clenched her eyes shut and he kicked her. 'OPEN YOUR GODDAMN EYES!' She burst into tears and he kicked her hard in her crotch, and as she doubled over he twisted her body around and kneed her hard in the spine, knocking her down onto her front on the floor. 'Struggle, Liv, and I swear to God I will break your spine right here.'

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><p>huge portion cut.<p>

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><p><em><strong>AN: So, there it was... I hope I haven't upset too many of you. Please send me a review and let me know what you think. It's the first time I've ever tried to address what happened in such graphic detail, so I really want to know what you all made of it. **_

_**Thanks for reading it anyway. I appreciate it.**_


	3. Chapter 3

**_A/N: Another update for you__... let me know what you think._**

She lay on the floor until long after he had finally left, giving her one last kiss goodbye before he let himself out. He heard his footsteps disappearing away down the hallway lobby and tears began to run down her face again. _How could you have let this happen to you? Oh God, what's going to happen once it gets round the precinct? Of course your unit will handle it! You'll be the SVU detective who let herself get raped! _ This couldn't be happening. It just couldn't. How could she possibly do her job and look the victims she tried her best to help in the eye knowing that she couldn't even defend herself?

_You've been so stupid. You should never have let him upstairs. You know better than that. God. _She suddenly thought of Elliot and wanted to cry harder. He was going to be so disappointed in her, and that was almost worse. She couldn't tell him what had happened. _But he's the only one you trust._ She suddenly really wanted him to just hold her and tell her that it would be OK. _He's the only one that will believe that it isn't your fault._ Sure. She laughed bitterly. She didn't even believe that herself. She should have known better than this. All the other victims, all the _real _victims, sure, it was never their fault, and she told them that, but... this was her. She should have known better. She should have been able to defend herself. _You shouldn't have let this happen to you. You're not a real victim, you're just a stupid girl who couldn't look after herself._

Elliot. She wanted Elliot.

She tried to get up and lost her balance, falling awkwardly onto her side. Her hands were still bound behind her back, and every time she moved she felt her right wrist crunch. She didn't want to think about how it must look. She took a deep breath and rolled onto her front, forcing herself up and onto her knees. Her thigh muscles screamed angrily at the sudden movement, and the second her crotch touched her heels as she lowered herself down she felt a searing pain rush through her body. Tears sprang up in her eyes again and she focused on breathing in and out, slowly and regularly, until she felt that she could stand.

She shifted her weight carefully and slowly bent her right knee upwards, ignoring the tearing sensation between her legs as she finally managed to rest her foot flat against the floor. She took another deep breath and forced herself up, wobbling precariously for a minute before managing to catch herself and stand upright_. OK. Olivia, you can do this. _ She started to limp towards the door, and then suddenly she realised that she was still naked except for a single sock and the last clinging shreds of her dress. At some point he must have literally ripped her bra off because it was hanging uselessly off her shoulders, the thin cotton band between the cups torn in half. _Oh God._ She couldn't go out on the street and know that every man there was looking at her body.

**OH, OLIVIA... OH, YOU'RE SO SEXY... **

_Oh God, shut up shut shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up..._ She looked around desperately and saw the sheer chiffon curtains she had bought for her bedroom the week before still sitting on the countertop.

She limped across the room, leaned over and managed to tear the packaging open with her teeth, starting to try and wrestle the fabric into something that would vaguely cover her using only her mouth and feet. _OK, this was ridiculous._ She took a deep breath and tried to pull her hands free from the belt, and screamed in pain as she felt her right wrist catch against the leather with a crack. _Breathe, Olivia, breathe, you can do this._ She looked around the counter and saw a wooden spoon. Dropping the curtains back on the counter for a minute, she bent down to pick up the spoon in her mouth and, gripping the handle between her teeth, she took another deep breath and pulled, biting down hard on the wooden handle. Lights exploded in front of her eyes as the pain shot up her right arm, but she kept trying to wrestle her left hand loose, biting down harder on the handle of the spoon. She felt it splintering in her mouth before the belt gave a little and then suddenly her left hand was free.

She spat out the spoon and moved her hands back in front of her, feeling her stomach turn over when she saw her right wrist. It was heavily bruised and swollen to the size of a grapefruit. She quickly looked away, pulling the belt off and throwing it onto the floor, and then grabbed the curtain and wrapped it around herself, holding it shut with her left hand. She was suddenly horribly aware that not only was the fabric slightly see-through, but it also only hung down to her mid-thighs. _Fuck this, you're not going for dinner at the Waldorf. _ Clutching the curtain more tightly around herself, her right hand still hanging uselessly by her side, she opened the door and let herself out of her apartment.

It was early in the morning and the streets were still quiet, although they were beginning to fill up with the first lot of commuters, even at the weekend. None of them made eye contact with her, some of them crossing the street to avoid having to pass her as she limped along wrapped in one of her curtains. When had it gotten so cold? How hadn't she noticed?

**IT'S PRETTY CHILLY OUT HERE. ARE YOU COLD?**

Oh God, no...

**COME ON, WE'RE GOING BACK TO YOUR PLACE.**

She beat at the sides of her head with her fists in frustration. _How could you have been so stupid? How could you have let someone you barely knew into your apartment?_ What was it that she always told her friends? NEVER, EVER LET THEM GET YOU ALONE. Even if they try to threaten you into their car or van with a weapon, fight back. Scream as loud as you can, kick them, shout, anything you need to do to get away or to get them to leave you alone, because what they can do to you in public is nothing compared to what they'll be able to do to you once they have you alone. Just look at the Hillside Stranglers, or at H.H. Holmes, or at Ian Brady and Myra Hindley, or... _You knew better than this, Olivia. This is your fault. You let this happen to you, and now you have to live with that._

She saw a police cruiser coming the other way and quickly ducked behind a dumpster until it had passed. She didn't want to have to answer any difficult questions right now. For one thing, she had no idea what she thought she was going to say.

**DOES THAT FEEL GOOD?**

She couldn't have... but... did a part of her want it? Did he think that she wanted it? She... how... she must have liked it, because she... no, she didn't want this. She didn't. Of course she didn't. But what if she did? What if a part of her had always wanted this? Was that why she had wanted to work with SVU? Did she secretly get off on it, so secretly that even she didn't know?

**I CAN FEEL HOW MUCH YOU'RE LOVING THIS, LIV.**

_Oh God, is that why you like your job so much and spend so much time at work? Is this why you engage with the victims so well? Do you find what they went through a massive turn-on? _NO! No, that wasn't possible!

**I KNEW YOU LIKED IT REALLY.**

She slumped down against the cold metal of the dumpster and buried her head in her hands. _No. That wasn't possible. It couldn't be._ She knew that, everyone knew that, Elliot...

Elliot knew that. Elliot understands. Go and find Elliot. She was going to go and find Elliot, and he'd make everything OK. He always did. He'd be able to make this better, right? Right?

Of course he could.

She staggered to her feet, pulled the curtain tighter around her body and started walking. _Oh God, where was he living right now?_ She knew where his family home was, but she also knew that he didn't live there any more. He'd told her, she knew she had... _Come on, Olivia, you know this, think..._

Suddenly she remembered. _Well, Brooklyn Heights is closer than Glen Oaks, anyway._ She gripped the edges of the curtain tighter and kept walking.

**_A/N: What did you think? Send me a quick review to let me know, and thanks to Creatively-Krazy for sending me a review for the last chapter._**

**_If you're following 'Paranoia', another chapter should be going up some time tomorrow._**

**_Thanks for reading!_**


	4. Chapter 4

**_A/N: Another update for you all. Lawandorderfan96 - thank you so much for the encouragement, it means a lot to me. Also, I'm glad you all seemed to like the detail I put into describing how she felt afterwards, and I'm hoping to carry it on in the rest of the story. In response to Paula100's question: At first, her hands were bound and so she would not have been able to wear clothes, and once she had managed to free her hands, she was already completely focused on covering herself up and getting the hell out of there. Another thing is that, after something like that happens to you, you're not really thinking straight, and having to go to your room and dress yourself can seem way too much - you just want to cover yourself up with whatever's readily available and get out as fast as you can. Anyway, send me a review to let me know what you all thought, because I'm really looking forward to seeing what you all make of it. I hope you like this one as much as you seemed to like my last update._**

Once she had actually reached Elliot's apartment building, she suddenly wasn't sure what exactly she hoped to achieve by being there. Reassurance? Someone to listen? Someone to just be there?

_Maybe you should just go._

_But I need him. _

_He'll want to know what happened. _

_He'll make it OK. _

_He can't make it OK. _

_Of course he can, he always can. _

_He won't understand. _

_He'll believe that it wasn't my fault. _

_Please, everyone will know that it was your fault. _

_No, no, he'll understand, he'll believe me. _

_Not once he knows what really happened, he'll say that he does but he'll be so disappointed in you. _

_No, I know he'll understand, he'll help me, he'll make it better, I know he will. _

_How? _

_Because he has to, he has to..._

She hesitated and then pressed the buzzer for his apartment before she could change her mind.

_Maybe he's out. Maybe he's still asleep. Maybe he's in the shower. Maybe-_

There was a click and she heard his voice at the other end, sounding tired and confused. 'Hello?'

_He doesn't know it's you. There's still time to run._ 'El...' Her voice got lost somewhere in her throat. She cleared her throat and tried again. 'El, it's me.'

There was a long silence at the other end of the line. 'Liv?'

'Yes, I...' Olivia's voice caught._It's OK now, Elliot's here._ She bit her lip and nodded before she remembered that he couldn't see her. _Idiot._ 'Yes, yes it's me.'

She heard him try to stifle a yawn. 'What are you doing here? It's 7am on a Saturday...'

_Make an excuse and leave. It's still not too late. He never has to know._ She swallowed, trying to shake off the lump in her throat. 'El, can I come up?'

There was another pause, and then a sigh. 'Of course you can.'

She heard the door buzz and she pushed it open and started up the stairs. Oh shit, she'd forgotten that she was wearing a see-through curtain. For some reason, even though she'd just walked miles through the streets in it, the idea of letting Elliot see her like this was more than she could bear. _Come on. It's Elliot. You trust him. Anyway, it's too late now._

He was standing in the doorway of his apartment waiting for her and she saw his eyes widen in shock as he took in her battered face, matted hair and bruised neck. 'Jesus Christ, Liv, what happened?' He saw her face crumple and she began to cry. _Oh no._ 'Liv?' He looked down and suddenly saw her broken wrist and the blood streaked down her inner thighs. 'Oh my God.'

She cried harder. 'El, I... I...'

He took a step forward and tried to put his arms around her.

**GOD, LIV, YOU ARE SUCH A TEASE.**

'NO! Don't touch me!' She flinched away from him, pulling the curtain even more tightly around her_. Oh God, why can't he help me, he's meant to make it all better, what the hell is wrong with me..._

Elliot silently cursed himself. _Come on, Elliot, you know better than that. It's Liv, but you still have to try and think objectively. _ 'Liv, it's OK, come on.' He offered her his hand and she looked up at him hesitantly. She still looked terrified. 'It's OK, Liv, it's me, it's El.'

_You don't know that he won't try to hurt you._ Her eyes widened and she shook her head. _NEVER, EVER LET THEM GET YOU ALONE. _'No, no, no...'

He sighed. 'Liv, I know you're scared, and I understand, but I promise you, I am not going to hurt you, OK?' He smiled reassuringly at her. 'It's me! It's Elliot! You trust me, remember?'

_I can't trust anyone._ 'Mmmm...' She glanced down the hall at the stairs, trying to work out if she could outrun him if she had to. _I shouldn't have come. _

'Liv... please, just let me help you. I will do anything I possibly can to make this OK.' _What a stupid thing to say, Elliot, you know that there's nothing you can do to make this OK._ 'Liv, it's OK.' He held out his hand again.

_Yes. I do know. It's Elliot. Out of everyone in the world, I know that he would never hurt me. I've always known that and I always will._ She smiled for a second, chewing her lip nervously, and then finally took his hand and let him lead her into his apartment.

'It's OK, Liv, just sit here.' He smiled reassuringly at her. _Shit, you're trained for this, why can't you remember what you're meant to do now?_ 'I'll, uh, go and get you a robe or something.' _Am I meant to do that? Oh God, I can't remember..._

Olivia perched awkwardly on the edge of the couch and hugged her knees tightly to her chest, staring at the picture of Elliot with his daughter Maureen at her graduation on the far wall. She had the same picture at her apartment. It was a running joke that she told everyone about it as proudly as if it were her own daughter. She'd even... she'd even told...

**I'VE COME UP HERE, I'VE SPENT THE WHOLE NIGHT SITTING HERE AND LISTENING TO YOUR STUPID WHINING AND BORING STORIES...**

_Leave me alone, please..._ Oh God, where had Elliot gone? He was meant to protect her, why wasn't he here? '...El?'

**YOU DON'T REALLY THINK THAT I'M GOING TO LEAVE WITHOUT GETTING SOMETHING BACK, DO YOU?**

'El? Elliot?' She tried to swallow back the panic in her voice. 'Elliot?'

**OH, I GET IT, YOU WANT TO PLAY...**

'NO! ELLIOT! ELLIOT, WHERE ARE YOU?' she screamed, breaking down into heavy sobs. 'ELLIOT, HELP ME!'

He ran back into the room carrying a dark red bathrobe. 'It's OK, Liv, it's OK, I'm here!' He quickly draped the robe across her shoulders and sat down on the floor opposite her, watching her grasping at the thick towelling fabric and pulling it down to cover herself. 'I'm here now, Liv, and I'm so sorry, I should never have left you.'

She chewed her lip and nodded, staring at the floor. She was shivering violently as she tried to burrow deeper into the fabric of the bathrobe, clutching a swathe of it in her fist and using it to wipe her eyes.

He cleared his throat. 'What happened?'

She looked up at him, wide-eyed and with tears streaming down her face. 'El, why did you leave me?'

_I don't know Liv, I'm so sorry, I should never have left you and I will never, ever forgive myself. OK, Elliot. Focus._ He tried again. 'Liv, can you tell me what happened to you?' _Let her tell you herself, in her own time. _

She opened her mouth and then shook her head. _He can never know._

Elliot sighed. 'Did someone you know do this to you?'

She shook her head silently, tears running down her face. _I was so stupid, I didn't know him and I still let him into my home..._

'Where did it happen? Was it outside the precinct? Was it on the way home?'

'I...' _I wish it had been. How terrible is that? I wish I had been attacked in the street by a faceless stranger with a knife and a ski mask. I wish that I had just been dragged into some dank alleyway to be assaulted. Maybe then I would feel less stupid. I don't deserve anyone's sympathy. I'm not a victim. I was attacked in my own home by someone I willingly invited in. I allowed this to happen to me._ She cleared her throat. 'It...'

He smiled reassuringly at her and offered her his hand. She sat and stared at it, but didn't take it. 'Come on, Liv, it's OK. Where did it happen?'

She swallowed, biting down hard on her lip. 'It... it was in my apartment.'

Elliot's mouth fell open in shock. 'Jesus, how the hell did he manage to break in?'

'He...' _I let him in. I brought this on myself. I brought him back to my apartment. I invited him up. I flirted with him and I kissed him and then... _ 'He... he...' Olivia lurched forwards and gagged, her head between her knees. 'He...'

'Liv, it's OK, it's OK.' Without thinking he reached out and put his hand on her shoulder, and she flinched as if she had been burned. _Shit._ 'Liv, it's OK, it's OK.'

'NO, NO, IT'S NOT!' It all poured out in a disorganised, frantic rush. 'I let him in, El, I let him in, and then...' She retched again, her shoulders shaking as she cried. 'Oh God, I let him in...'

**YOU LET ME UP TO YOUR APARTMENT, YOU CAN'T SAY NO NOW...**

_NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO..._ She pushed her head further down between her knees and finally threw up. 'Noooo...'

'Liv, it's OK, it's OK.' Elliot sighed and pulled her hair back off her face, holding it back as she heaved. 'Liv, it's OK, I'm here, it's OK...'

'El, it was my fault, El!'

'No, Liv, it wasn't, it was not your fault, do you hear me?'

She looked up at him, her eyes red and puffy and tears streaming down her face. 'But El... it was...'

'Liv, it wasn't.' His voice was kind but firm. 'How did you get here?'

She wiped her mouth. 'I walked.'

'From the Upper West Side?' He looked at her feet again. The soles were cut to shreds, some stones and small shards of glass still adhering to them. _Jesus._ 'OK, Liv, I have to take you to the hospital.'

Her eyes widened and she tightened her grip on her knees. 'NO!'

'Liv, you-'

'NO, EL, NO, IF I DO THEN EVERYONE WILL KNOW!'

'Liv, you know that they can't tell anyone. No one else ever needs to know if you don't want them to.'

'But I deal with them every day, I take all the real victims in, and they know me, and I'll be the SVU detective who let herself get... get...' She shook her head. 'No, no, I can't...'

He smiled sadly at her. 'Liv, come on, you know that you need to go. They need to clean you up and do a rape kit.'

'El, I don't want to...' She started to cry harder. 'Please, I don't want to...'

He sighed. 'Liv, you have to.' He put out his hand again and she finally took it. 'Come on. I promise I'll be with you the whole time, and any time that you've had enough and you want to leave, we'll leave. Can you do that for me?'

_I don't know._ She sniffed and wiped her eyes. 'OK, El.'

He smiled at her and squeezed her hand. 'That's my girl.'

**_A/N: I'm already well into the next chapter, so I should have that posted pretty soon. It has a more in-depth look about how Elliot feels about what has happened, as well as how Olivia feels. I hope you all liked this one, and send me a review to let me know._**


	5. Chapter 5

_**A/N: Another chapter for you, with a more in-depth look at how Elliot feels as well as Olivia. Thank you so much for all your great feedback. **_

_**Sockey13, I'm really enjoying (if that's the right word) really going into detail in terms of what they're thinking and feeling, especially with Olivia. I think it's an interesting way to go about a story like this, because to be honest with you a lot of things I've read with similar themes (and to be honest sometimes the show itself) can skip over the long-term emotional and physical repercussions for everyone involved, which I'm hoping to explore in depth. **_

_**Courtneylovejason, thank you so much for your encouragement, it means the world to me. Writing this has actually been quite cathartic, and has got me a fair few new messages via my victim-support blog (that I link to from my profile page if anyone needs it.) I'm actually learning quite a lot about myself doing it... which is a little weird, but to be honest it's more that now I've got a bit of artificial distance I can properly acknowledge it. Anyway, enough psychoanalysis.**_

_**And lawandorderfan96 - no problem =)**_

_**So, give this chapter a read, and let me know what you think by sending me a quick review - they really do make my day.  
><strong>_

'Elliot, please, I don't want to do this...' Olivia bit her lip, trying not to start crying again. However hideous the idea of this had been in Elliot's car on the way to the hospital, huddled beside him in the front seat with sandwich bags from his kitchen taped over her hands and wincing at every bump in the road, actually being here with her feet up in stirrups and her knees covered with a paper sheet was at least a thousand times worse. She'd had to sit there while her torn, bloodied fingernails were scraped and clipped, silently watching as the last remnants of her clothes were eased off and taken away along with the bloodstained curtain, and the only thing that had made it bearable was having Elliot there beside her, holding her hand and whispering soothingly to her whenever she felt like she was about to break down again. 'Please, El, please don't make me...' _I really don't want you to see this._

'It's OK.' Elliot stroked her hair. 'The nurse will be back in a minute and then as soon as she's finished you can come home with me, OK?'

She pulled up the neck of her gown and wiped it quickly across her eyes. 'Mmm...' _I don't know that I'll be able to live with the knowledge that you've seen this._

He smiled reassuringly at her and squeezed her hand. 'It's OK, Liv, I'm here, and I'll be here the whole time, OK?'

_Oh God..._ Olivia nodded hesitantly. 'OK.' She took a deep breath. 'OK, El.'

He smiled at her again and then suddenly the nurse was back pushing a trolley of supplies. She saw him and immediately broke into a wide smile. 'Oh, good to see you again, Detective Stabler, how's the baby?'

_Oh no, no, it's her, I see her almost every day, why did it have to be her?_ Olivia felt like she was about to throw up.

_Damn._ Elliot knew this nurse well, and he was fairly sure that Olivia did too. _Just act normally, and then maybe she won't look too closely at Liv._ 'Eli's fine, thanks, he's nearly four now.'

'Oh, my, don't they grow fast!' The nurse sat down by Olivia's feet and started organising the contents of the trolley. 'OK, dear, this is a fairly simple procedure, nothing to-'

Olivia cut her off impatiently. 'Don't worry, I know how this works.' _Now let's just get it over with for fuck's sake, before I lose my nerve._

The nurse frowned and then a look of recognition crossed her face. '...Detective Benson?'

Elliot's heart sank. _Shit._

Olivia squeezed her eyes shut. _Oh God..._

Beside her Elliot cleared his throat pointedly. _Right._ 'I don't think it really matters who she is, does it?'

The nurse still looked a little taken aback. 'Well, no, but... I was just surprised. To see you here.' She paused. 'Like this.'

_Even she thinks you shouldn't be here, oh God, everyone's going to be judging you like this, how could you let yourself be so stupid..._ Olivia started fidgeting with the edges of the plaster cast on her wrist, biting down on her lip so hard that she could taste blood in her mouth.

'The sooner we get started on this, the sooner I can get her home. I think that's what she needs right now, don't you?' Elliot was speaking politely, but there was a definite edge in his voice, and the nurse quickly shut up and started sorting through the trolley in silence, her cheerful smile long gone. Olivia glanced over at him and shot him a grateful look and a smile, and then quickly looked back up at the ceiling, chewing her lip nervously. She felt him begin to stroke her hair. 'It's OK, Liv, I'm here.'

She was shaking her head. 'I really don't want to be here, El...'

'I know, Liv, but you can do this, OK? For me, Liv. Can you do it for me?'

**NOW, ARE YOU GOING TO BEHAVE FOR ME?**

Olivia flinched and nodded.

He smiled at her and stroked the palm of her hand with his thumb. 'Good girl.'

**GOOD GIRL.**

She fought down the nausea rising in her throat, feeling the nurse starting to take the first swabs. He leaned in towards her and she shrank away from him, yanking her hand back and clenching her hands into fists. 'Liv, are you doing OK?'

**DO YOU LIKE THIS?**

Her eyes widened and she nodded frantically. Tears began to stream down her face, and he sighed. 'Are you sure?'

**DOES THAT FEEL GOOD?**

Her eyes had taken on an unfocused, glassy sheen as she pressed herself back against the headboard of the hospital bed. 'Please don't hurt me.'

'Oh, Liv...' He chewed on his lip and stroked her hair. 'Liv, it's me, it's El.' He smiled gently. 'I will never hurt you.'

She frowned, her eyes beginning to focus on him again. 'El?'

Elliot sighed. 'Yes, Liv, it's me.' He smiled at her reassuringly and she seemed to relax a little, allowing him to clasp her hand in his again, and he looked away, trying very hard not to cry himself. He had done this a hundred times before, but he had never thought he would have to do it with someone he knew, especially someone like Olivia. He knew that he shouldn't stereotype rape victims or consider them to be a particular kind of woman, but... Olivia was so strong. Stuff like this just didn't happen to people like her.

_Stuff like this doesn't happen to people like me._ Olivia sighed and tried to imagine that she was somewhere else. _It doesn't matter how often I've told the victims I've helped that it can happen to anyone, and that it wasn't their fault, that they didn't ask for it. This is me. I should have known better. I should have been able to defend myself. _ She winced as one of the swabs brushed against a sore spot.

**I SAID, DOES THAT FEEL GOOD?**

Elliot saw her tense up again, her stubby clipped fingernails pressing into his palm. 'Liv, it's OK.' He kept stroking her hair. She's always been such a strong person. Why couldn't she defend herself? Why did she let her guard slip? _No, Elliot, that's not fair. _ This was his fault. He should never have left her there. He had seen that she was upset, known that she was vulnerable, and he had just left her alone in the middle of the city at night. He'd been so selfish, and... and look at what had happened. Everything that she had done for him, and he had let her down when she needed him. How could he have let this happen to her?

Olivia felt Elliot squeeze her hand reassuringly but she still couldn't bear to look at him. _How could I have let this happen to me? I should have known better. I should have fought harder. I should never have let him into my apartment in the first place. Everyone will think that I led him on or that I was asking for it. Maybe I did deserve it. Maybe I didn't say no enough or didn't make myself clear. Hell, maybe I WAS asking for it. Why else would I have been so goddamn stupid?_

The nurse cleared her throat. 'I'm going to do an anal swab now, Ms Benson-'

**YOU KNOW, I THINK THAT YOU'RE REALLY GOING TO ENJOY THIS PART.**

'NO!' Olivia jerked upright. 'He didn't do that! He didn't touch me anywhere there!'

The nurse sighed. 'Yes, but we still-'

'WHAT? You still what? One isn't enough for you? Is it some kind of challenge like 'how many places could you find to put it?''' She began to cry harder. 'What I went through isn't enough because he didn't decide to... to... to do that too...' She trailed off into thick, racking sobs, her whole body shaking as she cried.

**I'LL LEAVE THAT FOR YOU TO LOOK FORWARD TO LATER...**

'Liv, come on now, sssshh, it's all right, I'm here.' _She's blaming herself for this, I know that she is, but she should be blaming me._ Why couldn't he have protected her? _Oh yes, that's right, you were being childish and running away from an awkward situation rather than dealing with it like an adult. _ He knew what he was meant to say to a rape victim and how they usually felt afterwards, but somehow he couldn't think of what to say to her. She had always been so much better at this side of things than he had. _She'd know exactly what to say._ He sighed and squeezed her hand tightly. 'It's OK, Liv, I'm not going anywhere.'

_What would he say if he knew what had really happened? What would he say if he knew that, rather than feeling nothing except violated, I actually had an orgasm? I've been with plenty of men consensually who couldn't make me come, so to have my... my attacker manage it... what does it say about me? Did I secretly enjoy it? Is it some sick fantasy that I didn't even know that I had? Is that why I invited him back to my apartment? Did I secretly want this to happen? Do I really deserve all this sympathy from him?_ Olivia bit her lip_. He can never know what really happened._

Elliot sighed again and kept stroking her hair. She was still sobbing quietly and he leaned in closer to her and pressed a handkerchief into her hand. 'Liv, it's OK.' She blinked and kept staring straight ahead, crumpling the handkerchief uselessly in her fist. To be honest, he wasn't sure that she even knew it was there. 'Oh, Liv...' He pulled the sleeve of his sweatshirt down over his hand and gently cleaned the tears and mascara stains off her face himself. 'Liv, I should never have left you there, and I promise I will never, ever leave you again. I will be here with you for as long as you need me, OK?' He smiled at her and smoothed her hair back off her face. 'I promise, Liv.'

**I KNEW YOU LIKED IT REALLY.**

She turned her face towards him and forced a smile. _Not if you knew the truth._

_**A/N: What did you think? As ever, send me a review and let me know. I'm already well into the basic layout of the next chapter so it shouldn't be too long until it's up, but I'm going to New York on Tuesday which may slow down updates a little...**  
><em>


	6. Chapter 6

**_A/N: Yes, I have another chapter for you already! Well, I say already, but it's actually been a while... though it is sooner than I thought it would be!_**

**_Courtneylovejason, I love how enthusiastic you always are. You make my day, and I adore you for it._**

**_Crushed-And-Broken-Rose and lawandorderfan96, you're starting to be regulars! Thanks for your reviews, you're both awesome._**

**_Hutch917, you're a new one to me but I'm going to go check you out! I hope you like the rest of my writing as much as you do this one!_**

**_ Also, in awesome and unrelated news - I saw them filming SVU today. God I love New York._**

**_Anyway - read, enjoy, and please send me a review when you're done to let me know what you thought!_**

Elliot sat in his living room listening to the sound of Olivia retching into the kitchen sink. He sighed. He had no idea what to do. He knew that everyone reacted to trauma in different ways, but he had never seen anything like this before. She had hunched over in the seat beside him for the entire drive home from the hospital, holding her head between her knees and heaving into the passenger footwell, and then as soon as they had gotten back to his apartment she had curled up into a ball on his bed and refused to move. It had taken him nearly an hour to coax her into finally taking off the hospital gown and putting on one of his old T-shirts, and then he'd made the mistake of asking whether she wanted him to go and pick up a few things for her from her apartment, and she'd gagged and made a dash for the sink.

He sighed again and got up, slowly walking towards the kitchen. 'Liv?'

She was still bent over the sink, her hair hanging down over her face. 'I'm OK, El, just leave me alone.'

'Oh, Liv...' He walked over to her and tried to put his hand on her shoulder, but she jerked violently away from him before he could even touch her. _Come on, Elliot, get a grip, you know that she's afraid to be touched, so why the hell do you keep doing it?_ 'Liv... are you sure you wouldn't like some of your own clothes or something? It might make you feel a little better if you'd just let me go to your apartment and-'

**YOU LET ME UP TO YOUR APARTMENT, YOU CAN'T SAY NO NOW!**

'NO!' Her eyes widened and she backed away against the far wall. 'I don't want any of it!' _Why won't you listen to me?_

**WHAT DO YOU MEAN, NO?**

Elliot wasn't giving up. 'I could go to your apartment myself and get it, you don't have to go with me-'

**YOU LET ME UP TO YOUR APARTMENT, YOU CAN'T SAY NO NOW!**

'I SAID NO!'

**WHAT DO YOU MEAN, NO?**

'NO! I SAID NO!'

Elliot felt a chill run down his spine._ I don't think she's talking to me any more._ 'Liv, are you-'

**YOU LET ME UP TO YOUR APARTMENT, YOU CAN'T SAY NO NOW!**

'For God's sake, just leave me alone!' She burst into tears. 'Leave me alone!'

**WHAT DO YOU MEAN, NO?**

He took a step towards her, holding out his hand. 'Liv, it's OK, please, just talk to me...'

**I'VE SPENT THE WHOLE NIGHT SITTING HERE AND LISTENING TO YOUR STUPID WHINING...**

'NO, I SAID NO!' _Oh my God what's happening why is this happening to me why..._

He was still moving towards her. 'Liv, calm down, it's me-'

**YOU DON'T REALLY THINK THAT I'M GOING TO LEAVE WITHOUT GETTING SOMETHING BACK, DO YOU?**

She lashed out and slapped him hard across the face. 'I said LEAVE ME ALONE!'

He stumbled backwards in shock. _Jesus Christ._ 'Come on, Liv, it's OK-'

**YOU CAN'T SAY NO NOW!**

Her eyes were darting frantically around the room. 'No, no, oh God, no, leave me alone, please...'

_OK, Elliot, stay calm. _ 'Olivia, you know that I can't do that.'

**YOU CAN'T SAY NO NOW!**

'Yes, yes, I can, now leave me alone, please, leave me alone...'

'Liv, I-'

**YOU CAN'T SAY NO NOW!**

'NO!'

**YOU CAN'T SAY NO NOW!**

He started to move towards her again. 'Liv, it's me-'

**YOU CAN'T SAY NO NOW!**

'NO! I SAID NO!'

**YOU CAN'T SAY NO NOW!**

He tried to take her hand. 'Liv, do you want to just go back to bed-'

**YOU CAN'T SAY NO NOW! YOU CAN'T SAY NO NOW! **YOU CAN'T SAY NO NOW! YOU CAN'T SAY NO NOW!**  
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'Oh GOD!' She turned and ran, closing and bolting the bathroom door behind her before Elliot could even blink.

_Oh no... _'Olivia? Olivia, it's me, open the door!' Elliot chewed his lip and hammered on the bathroom door_. Jesus, you idiot, how could you do this?_ 'Olivia?'

Inside the bathroom, she was staring blankly into the mirror, looking at the bruises on her face. She pressed her forefinger to the healing split in her lip and felt it sting. _He touched me here. Oh God, he touched me here._ She brushed her finger across the large, raised bruise on her forehead. The skin felt hot beneath her fingertip. _Every bruise is somewhere that he touched me. _

She could hear Elliot's voice_. It's OK. Elliot's outside. Everything will be OK now!_ 'Olivia, it's me, open the door! Please, open the door, I swear it's OK.' _No, it's not. It will never be OK._

There were thick, dark bruises around her neck where he'd choked her.

With her own scarf.

_He choked me with my own scarf. _

She wanted to scream. _Why didn't he just kill me? Maybe I should have just let him. It might have been easier. _ Alex had given her that scarf for her 40th birthday. _How am I going to be able to explain to Alex that I can't wear it any more? She's going to be so hurt! _She chewed on her sore lip._ God, Olivia, you are such a drama queen, it's only a fucking scarf._ She didn't care. As soon as she got a chance she was going to throw that goddamn thing into the Hudson. Her stomach turned over at the thought of actually going back to her apartment. She could sell it, but... the idea of someone else casually, unknowingly walking over the floor where it happened, the idea of someone else looking at it every day _(oh God what if they could tell what if they knew)_ the idea of someone with children letting them play there - that was even worse. _Maybe I could just set it on fire and leave it to burn?_

'Olivia, please. Talk to me.'

Her fingernails were ruined. She'd never exactly had long nails, but they were always carefully polished and filed into neat ovals. Now they were clipped off abruptly at the quick with a straight edge, leaving little sharp, spiteful points at the ends that kept snagging on everything. She began to chew on her thumbnail absentmindedly, starting to bite into the skin around it when she couldn't get a grip on the nail itself any more with her teeth. _What was it the nurse had said? 'Good girl, looks like you scratched him up pretty good.' _Like it had made a difference. There were still stubborn dark red stains under her nails that she was fairly sure were blood, and that wouldn't come off no matter how hard she tried. She was trying her best not to think about whose blood it was more likely to be. It was easier that way.

'OLIVIA! Olivia, say something. Are you OK?'

_Oh God, my hair._ Even though her appearance had never been her main priority, she'd always loved her hair. Along with her eyes, she'd thought that it was one of her best features. Now there were enormous chunks torn out of it, leaving it ragged and uneven. Tears began to run down her cheeks. No hairdresser on earth would be able to sort this mess out any time soon_._ _It's like he's taken everything that makes me me... _

She bit her lip and suddenly she could feel his hands on the side of her face again, pulling and tearing at her hair as he... he_... (Oh God as he...)_ and throwing the handfuls of it that came away in his fists impatiently onto the floor beside her face. _Oh my God, my hair. My hair is covered in it. I can't..._ She felt the ends of her hair brushing against her shoulders again and wanted to throw up_. No no no no..._ She lunged forward and yanked open the bathroom cabinet, pulling out toiletries and medicine bottles and band-aids and God knows what else, and throwing it all on the floor. _Where the hell is it? _

Elliot heard her ransacking the cupboard and his stomach turned over. During his careful sweep of the apartment for, well, anything that he thought she might hurt herself with _(not that she ever would of course)_ he'd somehow forgotten about the spare razor blades in the cupboard. _Jesus Christ._ 'Olivia? OLIVIA! Open the door, NOW!' He hammered on the door with his fist. 'OLIVIA, OPEN THE DOOR!' He swore to himself. His bathroom floor had this stupid little lip just inside the door that he kept tripping over, making the door almost impossible to just force open. He thought it was meant to be some modern thing to trap any overflow water inside the room, but as far as he was concerned it was a fucking stupid idea. _Why didn't you take the damn bolt off the door?_ He fought down a surge of panic and ran to the cupboard to grab the pry bar.

Olivia stared at herself in the mirror, tracing her fingers along the edges of the bruises on her face and neck, twirling strands of hair between her fingers. _It would be so much easier if I could just cut ALL of this out of me, but... _

He finally broke the door down to find her standing silently in the front of the mirror, her arms by her sides and a razor blade still in her left hand. The floor around her was covered in her hair. She had hacked it off seemingly at random, its length varying from around two to four inches long. 'Jesus Christ, Olivia.'

She turned around, looked at him and smiled. 'Hi, El.' Her eyes were very wide and had an odd, glassy sheen. It was the same expression that he'd seen on her face at the hospital during the rape kit.

Elliot took a deep breath. 'Give me the razor blade, OK, Liv?'

She shook her head. 'No, I'm not done yet.' Elliot saw her tighten her grip on the blade, slicing into the pads of her fingertips. She didn't even flinch.

'Yes, Liv, you are.' _Keep your voice calm, Elliot, deep calming breaths._ 'Give me the razor blade.'

She turned back to the mirror and stared blankly at herself. 'He touched my hair, Elliot. He ran his hands through it and he grabbed it and he yanked it and he twisted it around his fingers.' Blood was dripping off the tips of her fingers and pooling on the floor beneath her hand.

'I know, Liv. I know.' He swallowed and held out his hand. 'Just give me the razor blade, Liv, come on.'

'It kept brushing against my neck and my face, Elliot. He touched it. It was like feeling his hands on me again every time I turned my head.'

Elliot concentrated on keeping his voice calm and steady. 'I can't imagine how terrible that must be, Liv, but-'

Her expression suddenly brightened and she turned back to face him. 'Actually, do you know what?'

Elliot had to fight hard not to show his surprise. 'What?'

'I actually feel a lot better now.' She smiled, opened her hand and let the razor drop to the floor. 'So I'd like to go back to bed now, Elliot, if that's all right.'

**_A/N: What did you all think? Send me a review and I'll see what I can do about getting the next chapter done for you!_**

**_Also, if you're reading 'Paranoia' or 'Anew' - I'm sorry about leaving you on such big cliffhangers. Especially in 'Paranoia.' I promise I'll make it up to you._**


	7. Chapter 7

**_A/N: Another new chapter! Badbehavior - thank you so much for your review. It was so nice of you. Courtneylovejason and ImJazzyFe-DUH - I'm glad you like the more emotional aspect__ of things like this too... I wish the show focused more on that kind of thing as well, it's one of my main issues with it, is that you often get the sense of 'everything's over so life's normal again!'_ _Lawandorderfan96, Crushed-And-Broken-Rose_ _and Hutch917 - thank you for your reviews as well. Good reviews always really put me in a good mood._**

**_I wrote this chapter in an afternoon after I read a chapter of a post-trauma-survival book someone recommended. It was a load of crap. All it did was make me feel like I'd failed, so... I channeled it into this. To be honest with you... I really wish I had had someone to play the role Elliot's playing in this, but... that's life. _**

**_Anyway... send me a review and I'll start on the next chapter (plus it might help put me in a better mood.) Badbehavior - it was actually your review that really gave me a kick-start, so thanks._**

Olivia was curled up on her side, the bedcovers pulled up so far around her shoulders that she could barely breathe, listening to Elliot fixing the bathroom door. He wouldn't put the lock back on it though, he'd made that much clear with how he'd acted over the past few days. Since the night in the bathroom he wouldn't leave her alone for even a second. He'd moved his makeshift bed in front of the bedroom door so that she wouldn't be able to get in or out without waking him up, and whenever she had had to use the bathroom he sat in the hallway, carefully looking the other way, until she was ready to go back to bed.

The only reason that he had finally felt able to leave her alone for long enough to mend the door, over a week after he had broken it down, was because he thought that she was fast asleep after taking the sedatives he'd gotten for her by lying to Huang and saying that they were for him. She hadn't though. She'd held the tablets in her cheek and then spat them out again into her hand when Elliot wasn't looking. It wasn't that she couldn't sleep, it was that she didn't want to sleep. When you're asleep you have no idea who or what might be coming for you. The idea of being so drugged that you might not wake up until it was too late... it was horrific.

She hated being alone. However much she had silently cursed Elliot for treating her like a child, now that he had finally left her for a while she wanted him to come back. She needed him. She couldn't turn the light on because then he would know that she was awake and that she hadn't taken the pills, and now the room was full of darkness and shadows, and she hated the dark. At night the only way that she could tolerate it was by knowing that Elliot was three feet away, and that at the slightest noise he would jump up and protect her.

But now it was dark, and he wasn't there, and even though she could hear him less than fifteen feet away in the hallway, it wasn't enough. She needed him here with her. _Please, Elliot, come back, come back..._ She chewed on her lower lip and pressed her mouth into the bedcover, muffling her voice. 'Elliot...'

_I know that you're there. I can feel you hiding in the shadows. What do you want? Are you going to wait until he finally leaves me alone for more than five minutes at a time? Are you watching and laughing at me as I try to hide under the covers, waiting for him to come back to me? Are you just waiting for me to finally lose my mind, so that no one will listen or care when I start screaming?_

At a loss for what else he could do, Elliot had given her some of the pamphlets from the squadroom, the ones that they usually gave out to the victims along with their business cards and an instruction to call if they needed anything. She'd flicked through them, despite knowing that she wasn't really a victim, because she knew that if she didn't then it would upset him even more. She hated how distressed he was because of her. He tried his best to hide it but she could tell how torn up he was by not knowing how to help her. _This is all your fault, you selfish bitch._ She'd tried to pretend that the pamphlets had helped but she could tell that he knew she was lying. How could he not? Those pamphlets were the most useless, offensive things she had ever read, and she couldn't believe that she'd actually been giving them out for years.

'It is not your fault.' _Bullshit._ She knew perfectly well that it was her fault. She was a cop. She should have known what he was as soon as she saw him. She knew that she was perfectly capable of defending herself and her body, but she hadn't.

_I should have done something rather than just lying there and pleading. _

_I shouldn't have invited you back to my apartment in the first place. _

_I shouldn't have even spoken to you in the street, because I should have seen what you were and what you could and would do._

He'd said that he knew she wanted it really, and a part of her was still trying to figure out whether he was right or not. Had she wanted it? Had it all been some twisted sex game to her? She didn't think so, but... how did she know? How could she know for sure? Some part of her had clearly enjoyed it. She'd thought that he seemed like an OK guy, so clearly her judgment was pretty poor.

_I was wearing heels and a dress that showed off my chest. God, I'm so stupid. I should have known better than that. Whoever's eye it was that you hoped to catch, you ended up catching his, and the only person whose fault that is is you. You dressed like a whore and you deserved to get treated like one. Accept it._

That was another thing that the pamphlets were really big on - acceptance. She wasn't sure exactly how that was meant to work. She'd read those things trying to find out how to get better, not to be told what was wrong with her. _What if the reason they don't tell you how to get better is because they know that there is no way to get better? _ Apparently all she needed to do was to accept what had happened and to learn to live with it. She wasn't sure how that worked either. _How are you meant to accept something like that? How are you meant to forget something like that, to just move on? It's not possible. Whoever wrote these pamphlets is full of shit. I'm sure that they were never..._

She suddenly realised that she was crying again. _Shit._ She took some deep breaths, trying to control it enough so that Elliot wouldn't hear. She didn't want to upset him. She didn't want him to feel disappointed in her because she couldn't find anything in those damned pamphlets to help her and to make her better. _He's got enough to worry about without your selfishness making it worse._

She heard his footsteps in the hallway and held her breath, pretending to be asleep. _Please go away, please..._

'Liv?' She concentrated on her breathing, trying to keep it slow and regular, and heard him sigh_. Shit._ There were more footsteps and then she felt the mattress depress as he sat down next to her. 'Liv, I know you're awake.'

She felt his hand stroking the side of her face and froze. _I know it's Elliot but... _Her eyes snapped open and he smiled at her. 'Hey, Liv.'

She licked her lips. 'Don't touch me like that.'

He looked hurt and pulled his hand away. 'Oh, I'm sorry.'

_Bitch._ She took a deep breath and forced herself to take his hand in hers. _Oh God... _ 'I'm sorry, El, you just... uh...'

'I know.' He smiled sadly at her and squeezed her hand. 'That's OK, Liv, I'm sorry.'

_Why does he keep apologising? This is my fault, not his!_ 'Uh... thank you for the pamphlets, El, they were really helpful.'

'I'm glad.' He sighed. _I wish that you didn't feel as if you had to lie to me._ 'I wish I could do something else, Liv, but I just don't know...' _Please tell me. Tell me what to do. Tell me how to make it better, because whatever it is, I'll do it. _'I just...'

'It's OK.' _I don't know either, and believe me I wish that I did._ 'I... I'm glad you're here.'

'Good.' He smiled again and began to stroke her hair, and she forced herself not to flinch.

_It's Elliot, it's Elliot's hand... _Even if her mind knew that it was Elliot there, that it was Elliot with his hand brushing her neck and face, her instincts still said something else. _It's Elliot, it's only Elliot, and he would never hurt you, you know that._ She took a deep breath and immediately burst into tears again. _Oh God..._

Elliot felt sick. _Her crying is a good sign. It means she's not hiding it. You have to try and remember that, however awful it is for you to watch._ 'Liv, come on, it's OK.'

**I'VE SPENT THE WHOLE NIGHT SITTING HERE...**

_It's not, it's not OK, it's not, OH GOD DON'T TOUCH ME! _ She bit her lip as she felt him beginning to rub her back. _DO NOT flinch, DO NOT lash out, he's trying to help, just let him think that he can help..._ 'El...' She began to cry harder. 'Elliot...' _Oh God, why can't you help me, you were meant to help me!_

'It's OK, Liv, I'm here.' Elliot silently cursed himself. _You egotistical shit, do you really think that you can make everything OK just by the power of your presence? But I don't know what else to say! Well, then maybe you should try a bit harder. After all, this is what you're supposed to be trained for._ 'Liv, I'm here for you, OK?'

**I'VE SPENT THE WHOLE NIGHT SITTING HERE...**

'No, no, Elliot, please...' _Elliot, help me..._

'Liv, it's OK, I promise-'

**I'VE SPENT THE WHOLE NIGHT SITTING-**

'NO!' Olivia clenched her fists. _STOP IT! _

'Liv, come on, it's OK-'

**I'VE SPENT THE WHOLE-**

'IT'S NOT YOU!'

'What, Liv, what's not me?'

**I'VE SPENT-**

'Elliot...' _It's Elliot, it's Elliot. _Olivia felt an odd sense of relief. _It's Elliot._ She began to sob quietly. 'Elliot...'

'Ssshhh, Liv, come on.' He was stroking her hair again, and Olivia smiled for a second. _It's Elliot. Elliot's here. _She looked up at him and he smiled at her reassuringly, stroking the side of her face with his thumb. 'Liv, it's OK.'

'El, I... I...'

'What is it, Liv?'

She sat up, hesitated for a second and then threw her arms around him. 'El, I'm so glad that you're here.'

**_A/N: What did you think? Do you think it's progressing well? Want to send me a review? I'd be ever so grateful if you did!_**


	8. Chapter 8

_**A/N: Sorry for the delay in updating, I've been really busy! Thanks for all your lovely reviews for the last chapter - inspirationimagination, it was your review that got me properly going on writing this one, so thank you so much for that. It was wonderful. courtneylovejason - as ever, thank you for your review, I adore you. Hutch917, thank you - you seem to be a real regular now!  
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_**For anyone who's interested, I had a sudden burst of inspiration today and should have the first chapter of a new story up either later today or tomorrow, if you want to check it out. It'll be called 'Hysteria', and like this one, it'll most likely have an M rating.**_

_**Anyway, read this chapter, I hope you enjoy it, and send me a quick review to let me know!**_

_**(for future reference: the speech marks key on my computer does not work.)  
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Elliot woke up to the sound of running water. _What the..._

He sat up and looked at the bedside clock. It was 3am. He frowned and glanced over at his bed. It was empty, the sheets pushed back and crumpled and the pillows scattered around. _Shit._

'Liv?' He got up and walked down the hallway, stopping outside the bathroom door. 'Liv?' He paused and listened. He could definitely hear her in there. _How the hell did she manage to get past me without waking me up?_ He knocked quietly. 'Liv, it's me.'

There was no reply and he sighed. 'OK, Liv, I'm coming in.' He twisted the handle and pushed the door open, and a thick cloud of steam billowed out into his face.

_Jesus Christ._

The bathroom was swelteringly hot. 'Liv?' _Oh God, what's she done this time? _ He took a step forward and suddenly realised that he was ankle deep in almost scaldingly hot water. 'Jesus...'

'Go away, Elliot.' He could hear a tremor in her voice. She was hunched over in the overflowing bathtub hugging her knees to her chest, still wearing the same oversized T-shirt she'd refused to take off since she'd arrived two weeks before, the saturated fabric clinging to her. The hot tap was still running full blast, sending thick clouds of steam up into the air as water spilled over the rim of the tub and onto the floor.

'Olivia, you know that I can't do that.' He moved further into the bathroom, feeling the depth of the water around his feet slowly decreasing as it drained out into the hallway.

_That's going to ruin the laminate flooring. _

_What the fuck, Elliot, how is that the first thing that comes into your head?_

He mentally kicked himself, and then glanced up and saw that she had covered the mirror with a towel. 'Oh, Liv...'

'What?' A defensive edge came into her voice. 'I didn't want to have to look at it, OK?'

He sighed and squatted down next to her. Her skin was bright red and flushed from the heat and her ruined hair was bedraggled and sticking to the sides of her face, soaked with steam and sweat. 'Liv, you should have woken me up.'

'Why? I just wanted a bath.' He saw her eyes begin to well up and she blinked impatiently. 'Is there anything wrong with wanting to have a bath?' _I needed to try and wash some of the dirt off of me._

He put his hand gently on her shoulder and she flinched. 'Liv, you still have the hot tap on full. The water is so hot that the bathroom is full of steam.'

'So?' Her mouth set in a hard line. 'I just didn't want the water to get cold, that's all.' _The burning feeling makes me feel better._

He sighed again and gestured at the silver mass she had clutched in her left hand. 'And the wire wool?'

_The dirt wouldn't come off, I tried and tried but it wouldn't come off! _'I... I...' Her lip began to tremble. 'Elliot, why did I let this happen to me?' Her voice wobbled a little and suddenly she dissolved into thick racking sobs. 'I invited him into my apartment, I should have known better...'

'Liv, no.' His voice was kind but firm. 'You don't get to do this to yourself.'

Tears were pouring down her cheeks now. 'But why, El, why-'

'Olivia. Look at me.' He stroked her soaking wet hair and took her right hand, the sodden plaster of the cast clinging to his skin. 'Look at me.' She sighed and turned her face towards him. It was all Elliot could do not to let her see his reaction. He had never seen her look so small and vulnerable.

_Elliot, focus._

He took a deep breath. 'Liv... if you were talking with another victim, what would you say to her?'

_Why does he keep calling me that?_ 'But I'm not a victim, I'm... I'm... me.'

'Olivia, you are, and you deserve to give yourself just as much compassion as you would give to any other woman who found herself in this situation. This is not your fault, and you did not let this happen to you.' _This is my fault. I let this happen._

She cried harder. 'I did, I did, if I'd fought harder then maybe-'

Elliot had had enough. 'Olivia, STOP IT!' She immediately fell silent and he smiled sympathetically at her. 'Liv, I know this is awful, and I know how you feel, but you can't keep blaming yourself. He did this to you. You did not make this happen, and you did not let this happen. The only person whose fault this is is him, do you understand?'

She nodded. 'Yes.' _But I still don't believe it._

_Oh, Liv, you were always such a terrible liar... _ He sighed. 'Liv, have you ever heard of something called special pleading?'

She didn't answer. Tears were streaming down her face again.

'Most people use it as a way of justifying selfish actions. It basically boils down to 'that's not OK but I can still do it because it's me.' You're different, though. You use it against yourself. Liv, you're not special, not like that. You are just like every other victim that comes through the unit, every other woman you have ever met in your years working for SVU. Don't waste your energy blaming yourself. You're better than that.' He smiled reassuringly at her. 'OK?'

_Don't say it don't say it don't say it he won't understand..._ Olivia swallowed. 'Elliot, I had an orgasm.'

He was momentarily speechless.

Her face crumpled and she began to cry hysterically. 'I knew, I knew you'd think that, I knew everyone would think that, I don't know what's wrong with me-'

'NO, no, Liv, ssshhh, Liv, that's not it.' _Idiot._ He squeezed her hand reassuringly. 'Sssshh, Liv, come on, it's OK.' He frantically tried to think of what he could possibly say to make her feel better. _Come on, Elliot, you know there's nothing you can say to make this better. This is worse than anything you'd ever imagined._ 'Liv, ssshhhh, it's OK.'

'No, it's not, people will think I enjoyed it!' _And I didn't, I swear that I didn't..._

'No, Olivia, they won't. It doesn't mean anything other than you had a natural response to being stimulated in that way. Your bloodstream was full of adrenaline, and that combined with his deliberately stimulating you... it triggered a simple physiological reaction. It was nothing more than that.' He smiled softly at her and stroked her hair. 'He didn't do it because he wanted to give you pleasure, Olivia, he did it because it gave him even more power over you. Just making you do it wasn't enough, he had to make you like it too. It was just another act of violence, and you need to see it like that rather than seeing it as something to be ashamed of.'

Olivia looked down at her knees and sniffed. 'Thank you, El.'

He smiled at her again. 'That's OK, Liv.' He gestured at the taps. 'Mind if I turn the water off now?'

She bit her lip and nodded. _Oh God, I've made such a mess of his house, he must hate me..._

'Good girl.' He leaned forwards and turned off the water. 'OK.' He sat back again and stroked her hair. 'I'm going to take you back to bed now, OK?'

She looked up at him, tears still streaming down her face, and managed to force a smile. 'OK, El.'

'OK.' He leant into the tub and lifted her up and into his arms. She sniffed and wrapped her arms around his neck, burying her face in his shoulder, and he smiled and kissed the top of her head. Her T-shirt was soaking wet and felt cold and clammy against his skin as he carried her back to his bedroom and laid her back down on the bed. 'I'll get you another T-shirt-'

'No.' She shook her head and curled up on her side on top of the blankets, shivering with her arms wrapped tightly around herself.

'Oh, Liv...' He sat down next to her and stroked her hair again. 'It must be so uncomfortable...'

She began to cry again. 'I don't want to be naked, Elliot, I never want to be naked again...'

He nodded. 'OK.' He stroked the side of her face. 'I'll go and get you some more blankets.'

Her head snapped up. 'No.'

'No?'

'Lie down with me.' She looked up at him, a pleading look on her face. 'I just want you to put your arms round me, please.'

He smiled reassuringly at her again. 'OK.' He climbed onto the bed and lay down behind her, feeling her flinch as his hand brushed against her side. She hesitated and then snuggled back against him, grasping one of his hands in hers and pulling it towards her so that his knuckles brushed against her chin. He kissed the top of her head and stroked her hair, before wrapping his arm around her middle and waiting until he felt her breaths steadily slowing and becoming more regular, before he closed his eyes and fell asleep himself.

**_A/N: The tone is changing a little, they're beginning to work together a little bit more as Elliot gets his head around what happened to her and Olivia begins to feel a little more trusting and able to talk about it... anyway, send me a review, and I'll see you later today or tomorrow with 'Hysteria'!_**


	9. Chapter 9

_**A/N: Sorry for the long delay on this one, but I finally have an update for you all! Some aspects of it might come as a little... unexpected... but hopefully you'll all enjoy it anyway. I think the response I'll get will be pretty interesting, and it could definitely go either way, but... it was something I'd always wanted to do, so here it is.**_

_**Thanks for all your awesome reviews for the last one, and I'm sorry for keeping you waiting for so long!**_

_**inspirationimagination - your reviews are always amazing, so thank you. I'm glad you appreciated the little bit of humour that's there - I always to try to drop a little bit in here and there to stop it from becoming a total angstfest, and also because my philosophy in life is that you have to find a way to laugh about it, whatever situation you happen to find yourself in. Plus I could really see him taking the cruel-to-be-kind route, especially if nothing else seemed to be working, and also because we all know what he's like when it comes to his feelings.**_

_**courtneylovejason - I'm glad you like how I'm depicting the developing understanding on both sides of what happened, and I'm so sorry that I kept you waiting so long!**_

_**PushTheButton - The whole psychological thing is a big aspect of this story for me and something that I'm really enjoying developing, so I'm happy that you think that it works and that you're enjoying it. The speech marks key on my computer doesn't work and I can't afford to replace it, hence the apostrophes...(Also, is your name an 'Authority' reference?)**_

_**KKoboe - A much, much longer chapter for you! Enjoy!**_

_**ElandLiv12123 - Glad you liked it, and sorry I kept you waiting so long for the update!**_

_**Anyway, here it is, give it a read and send me a review to let me know what you think! (like I said, I'm expecting an interesting response to this one, so we'll see - it could go either way.)**_

Olivia was curled up on the couch reading a magazine and waiting for Elliot to get back from court when she heard someone knocking on the door.

_Oh God._

She held her breath.

_Go away go away go away go away go away go away..._

There was a pause, and then the person knocked louder.

_Oh God, he's back, he's found me, he's come for me, oh God... _

She'd been having nightmares about this, about him finding her and hurting her again, ever since that night when... when he...

_(oh God when he)_

At first she'd woken up every night screaming, but now... now, she'd learned to control herself. Now, she didn't wake Elliot up every time she had a nightmare, and now he believed that she was actually getting over it. It was why he finally felt able to leave her alone for short periods of time rather than constantly lying to everyone and saying that he had stomach flu.

_She wasn't, though._

Every night she'd lie awake for hours, listening for the sound of his footsteps outside. Last time, she'd been stupid and let him get a jump on her.

_Now, though, she was prepared._

She reached behind the couch cushion and pulled out the .38 she'd bought for $500 from a friend of someone she'd once worked with, having them come to the apartment while Elliot was at the store trying desperately to find something that she would eat. She hated keeping a secret like this from him, hated herself for keeping a secret like this from him after all he'd done for her, but...

_He wouldn't understand._

The person outside was knocking on the door again, and Olivia stood up and slowly, quietly made her way across the room. _It's OK, Olivia._ She bit her lip and stared at the latch. _You can do this, Olivia. You can do this._

'Olivia?'

_That wasn't his voice... _

'Olivia, I know you're there.'

Olivia frowned. 'Kathy?' _What the..._ She opened the door a crack and peered around it.

Kathy smiled. 'Hi, Olivia.'

_What the hell is she doing here?_ 'Uh, Elliot's not here-'

'I know, Olivia. I've come to talk to you.'

_What?_ 'You have?'

'Yes.' Kathy smiled patiently. 'Can I come in?'

_No, go away and leave me the fuck alone. _ 'Uh... sure.' Olivia stepped back and held the door open, and then suddenly she realised that she was still holding the gun. _Oh crap._

Kathy just looked at it and sighed. 'Did you want to give me that, Olivia?'

_Make me._ Olivia's eyes narrowed. 'Why?'

Kathy raised an eyebrow at her. 'Well, I think we both know that you probably shouldn't be carrying a weapon right now.' She held out her hand.

_Bitch._ Olivia really hated that she was right. 'Fine.' She glanced down at the gun, savouring its weight in her hand, and then reluctantly handed it over.

'Thank you.' Kathy took it from her and expertly flipped it open, emptying the bullets into her hand and slipping them into her pocket. 'How are you feeling?'

'I'm fine.' _What is she doing here?_

'You're not.' Kathy looked at her sympathetically. 'Olivia, I know.'

_No. How? She can't._ 'Know what?'

'I know what happened.'

_That bastard, I can't believe Elliot told her, he promised that he wouldn't tell anyone..._

'Don't worry, Elliot didn't tell me.' Kathy sat down on the couch and began to unpack the large shopping bag she'd brought with her. 'A friend of mine was working an extra shift at the hospital that morning and mentioned that my ex-husband had been in with someone he seemed to know well but had still insisted on registering as a Jane Doe. That in itself is pretty unusual, and then when she described her... what can I say, I put two and two together.'

_Shit._ Olivia sighed and crossed her arms. 'Why did you come here, Kathy?'

'Because we both know that Elliot likes to save people, Olivia. There's no way he would have let you stay somewhere on your own. He'd want to keep you somewhere he could keep an eye on you.'

Olivia smiled a little. 'Yeah, you got that right.'

Kathy shrugged. 'What can I say, I was married to the man for over 20 years, I got to know him pretty well.' She sighed and settled back against the couch cushions. 'Anyway, Olivia - I'm not here to make you talk, or to preach at you, I'm just here to sit, OK?'

_Why?_ 'Uh... OK?'

'Oh, and I brought you some magazines.' Kathy gestured at a small stack of glossies by the couch, and then bent down to pick one up. 'Hope you don't mind if I read your Cosmo first.'

_Am I high?_ 'Uh, of course not...'

'Great.' Kathy settled back against the cushions again and opened the magazine. 'I also brought you some frozen yoghurt. It's in the Duane Reade bag.' She shot her a knowing look. 'I figured, and from the looks of you I was right, that you wouldn't be eating much. I understand. Sometimes the thought of having food in your mouth just seems so disgusting and foreign, but the yoghurt should go down easily enough.' She smiled sympathetically. 'There's also some high-calorie protein shakes. El used to use them back when he was training a lot, but they work pretty well as a means of just getting the calories in when you need them.'

_This is..._ Olivia cleared her throat awkwardly. 'Uh... thanks, Kathy.' _Why are you doing this?_

'No problem.' Kathy reached down and grabbed another magazine from the stack. 'You like Glamour?'

Olivia leaned forward and took the magazine from her wordlessly. _I just... what the hell is going on?_

Kathy smiled at her and settled back against the cushions, nonchalantly flipping through her magazine as Olivia perched on the edge of the couch watching her.

_Why is she here? _

_I didn't ask her to come. _

_Did Elliot ask her to come? _

_No, why would he? _

_He wouldn't. _

_But then why is she here?'_

Kathy cleared her throat and turned the page again. 'Olivia, did he ever tell you what made him decide to volunteer to join SVU?'

'Uh... he just told me that he believed that sex should be one the best experiences in life, not one of the worst.'

Kathy smiled. 'Typical El.' She looked back down at her magazine.

_What the hell is going on?_ Olivia looked at her copy of Glamour, trying to concentrate on some trite, pointless article about the latest 'It' shoe. _Did she come here just for some girly bonding time? Because if she did, then this is the awkward girly bonding time from hell._

'I was fifteen.' Kathy's voice was calm and casual. 'My girls' school had an annual dance with the local Catholic boys' school, and it was the first year that I was old enough to go.' She turned the page of her magazine, still not taking her eyes off the text. 'Me and my best friend were so excited that we went shopping a whole month before and spent the whole day trying to pick out the perfect dresses. She picked a green one with ruffles, and I ended up choosing a pale blue one with a sparkly top and a big skirt.' She smiled at the memory. 'I was a late grower, so I had to stuff the top with toilet paper to make it hang right.'

Olivia pretended to keep reading her magazine, occasionally sneaking glances up at Kathy as she spoke.

'We got to the dance and it was your standard Catholic school dance, lights up at all times and no slow songs, and it was all far less exciting and glamourous than we'd been led to believe by our older sisters. Me and my friend were pretty bored by about an hour in and we were talking about using the money my mom gave me to just cut our losses and get a cab home to watch TV.' She sighed, and turned the page of her magazine again.

'There were these older boys, maybe two years above us, and they said they had some beer and some vodka, and so we agreed to go and hang out with them behind the sports building for a while. It sounds silly now, but back then, when you're fifteen, just the hint of any older boys wanting to spend time with you is like a dream come true. So back behind the sports building we went, and they pulled out some six-packs and a couple of bottles of spirits, and once we'd started on those they started smoking pot, passing the joint around and taking deep drags on it.'

Kathy didn't seem to be upset by what she was saying at all. From the tone of her voice, she might as well have been talking about the weather.

'I'd never smoked before, not even cigarettes, and to be honest with you I didn't really like the taste, so I kept taking swigs of the vodka to wash it away, and before I knew it was feeling really odd. I said that maybe I ought to go but they laughed at me and called me a stupid baby, so I stayed.'

It suddenly occurred to Olivia that she'd never bothered to really get to know Kathy. _She'd always been around, and she'd spoken to her plenty of times, but she was always just Elliot's wife, not a separate person._

'Anyway, I kept drinking and then suddenly the whole world started to sway and I thought I was going to faint, so I leaned forward and took a deep breath, and that's when I threw up on my shoes and burst into tears. I told my friend that I'd had enough, that I wanted to go home, but she didn't want to leave and told me to just go on my own. We never spoke again after that night.' She swallowed, took a deep breath and carried on. 'I was scared of the dark and I didn't want to walk through the unlit school field all the way to the road.' She sighed again. 'So one of the older boys offered to walk with me as far as the gate to get a cab.'

Olivia felt her stomach turn over. She'd heard this story told so many times before, but to hear it from someone so familiar to her... it was different_. God, how must El feel listening to me? _ She blinked and forced herself to keep her eyes on the pages of her magazine, occasionally turning the page, although she had no idea what she was supposedly reading.

'He said he didn't want any of the teachers to see us, which made sense, so we went round the back way, between the science buildings and the chapel. Normally I would have been wary of this but I was feeling so ill and I'd had too much to drink and my head was still woozy from the pot... and besides, he was so nice, he'd offered to look after me... so I followed him.' She cleared her throat. 'And then suddenly he had me pinned against a wall and he was kissing me, forcing his tongue into my mouth, pulling on the fabric of my dress so hard that he tore one of the straps and groping at my chest.'

Olivia glanced up to see that she was smiling bitterly. 'I'll never forget the look of surprise on his face when he shoved his hand down the front of my dress and came away with a handful of toilet paper rather than the well-developed breasts he'd imagined.'

'Did it stop him?' No one was more surprised than Olivia when she heard herself speak. 'Did it make him stop?' _Please say yes, please..._

Kathy shook her head sadly. 'No. He tore a hole in my dress where the skirt met the top and shoved his hand inside, feeling around, still slobbering all over my face, and I have no doubt about what he would have done next if it wasn't for El.'

_El?_ 'He was there?'

Kathy smiled. 'It was how we met. He was at the boys' school, in the year above me. His mother made him come to the dance in the hope that he'd find himself a nice Catholic girlfriend, but he hated big social events so he was doing the usual angsty adolescent boy thing of hanging around on his own, doing nothing in particular, until enough time had passed for him to go home. He heard what was happening, and before I knew it the guy was being pulled off me and El had thrown him on the ground and was punching him. I had to actually drag him away.' She smiled again. 'I'd never known anyone who would defend me like that before.'

_Yeah, I know that feeling. _ 'And... what happened next?' _How did you deal with it?_

She sighed. 'Nothing. I should have reported it, but back then there was a different attitude to those things, they would have just chalked it up to boys being boys and left it at that. But, as it was, El walked me home and...' She smiled again. 'And, believe it or not, he told my mother about how I'd accidentally torn my dress climbing a tree, and she believed him!' She laughed. 'And then the next day he was waiting for me outside the gates after school, and he asked if I wanted to go to the diner up the road with him, and that was that.'

_I can't believe it never occurred to me to ask how they met. Isn't that what everyone asks married couples that they've just been introduced to?_ Olivia shook her head at herself. _All these years you've just thought of her as an extension of Elliot, and an inconvenient extension at that..._ 'How...' Her voice caught in her throat. 'How did you feel afterwards?'

Kathy shrugged matter-of-factly. 'You know, the usual. Stupid, dirty, useless. I blamed myself for letting myself get into that state, and for following him behind that building, and for trusting him in the first place. But Olivia, I realised something.' She looked up for the first time to make sure that she was listening. 'The more I thought about it, the more I realised that what happened was not my fault, and once I understood that - I mean, I didn't feel fine again, but I was able to live with it rather than letting it constantly haunt me.'

'How long-' Olivia was almost scared to ask the next question. 'How long did it take you to get there?'

Kathy smiled. 'Olivia, the fact that you just asked me that means that you're already halfway there.'

Olivia looked down and bit her lip. _I wish._

'I know you don't believe me, but it's true.' She sighed again. 'Look, Olivia - El, he likes to save people, he likes to play the hero, like he did the night that we met. That's one of the reasons I married him, you know, because I wanted him to save me.'

_Really?_ 'It was?'

Kathy nodded. 'I started seeing someone new shortly after me and El divorced. It only lasted a few weeks, but what I had with him... it made me realise how much was wrong with my relationship with Elliot. I'm not saying that we weren't in love, because we were. When we married, I thought that he would be the only man for me, but... the whole thing was built on this need of his to rescue me, and how badly I wanted him to be there and save me from what were then still very raw, traumatic memories. It took me over 20 years to figure out that he couldn't, and that it wasn't fair of me to have expected him to.' She looked up at Olivia. 'He can't magically save you either, Olivia, so don't make that mistake as well.'

Olivia looked at the floor. 'Believe me, I won't.'

**_A/N: What do you think? More?_**


	10. Chapter 10

_**A/N: Another chapter so soon? Well, yes. Not only did I get a couple of truly awesome reviews for the last one (thank you, courtneylovejason and Kristy6, and Kristy6 - I'm working hard on that story you asked for as we speak) but I am also supremely jetlagged, and what can I say - sleep deprivation is one of the main things that helps me to write. **_

_**This is a very, very long chapter, just over 3000 words, but I just couldn't cut it down any more than this, so I hope you all like it enough to make it to the end (ought to make you happy though, KKoboe!) **_

_**Also, the positive response I got from introducing Kathy was a pleasant surprise for me, because she does have a lot of straight-out haters out there (even if I've always thought of her as being quite sweet, despite the fact she is mildly inconvenient to my shipping.) **_

_**Kristy6 - like I already said, your review was amazing and it helped make me decide that this story was worth updating this soon. I'm glad you're so into my stories, because I get wonderful reviews from you every time you read a chapter (your ones from Paranoia were pretty awesome too - a couple of them had me cracking up laughing!) **_

_**courtneylovejason - was this 'severely soon' enough for you =p Seriously though, I'm happy you like it so much, because I always look forward to getting your reviews. **_

_**redangel365 - thank you. I really liked it myself too, and I'm so happy that someone else likes it despite the fact that Elliot doesn't make an appearance. It must say good things about my writing =p Like I said, the whole introducing Kathy thing had me a little unsure of how people would take it, so the fact that everyone seems to have liked it is awesome. **_

_**PushTheButton - what can I say, it's your lucky day! No sooner have you said that you're looking forward to an update, but here it is! **_

_**Marathon note over (man, but I can really go on in these things) give it a read and let me know what you think. It's a little... different... than some of the others, but it's something that I thought had to happen, and like I said - I've been through this stuff myself, so please don't all start sending me hate mail for being unrealistic and trivialising the kind of things she's been through... I tried to make it as realistic and sensitive as possible, hence the amount of detail and the high word count, so I hope you like it - and please, please send me a review to let me know, because this is another one that could go either way and I have rather a lot invested in it.**_

_**EXTRA NOTE: Because the site is cracking down a bit, I have been forced to edit this chapter pretty massively. I'm going to try and rewrite the ones I'm going to be editing, but in the meantime there'll be a big gap. **_

_**Also, if you want to read the original unedited version, send me a quick review saying so and I will get on it for you! Like with the second chapter, I would highly recommend it - I can't leave nearly enough in to do it justice.**_

CHAPTER 10

'El...' Elliot felt Olivia shaking him awake. 'El, wake up.'

He rubbed his eyes and sat up. 'What is it, Liv? Are you OK?'

'No, I-' Olivia hesitated. _Do it._ She shook her head and threw her arms around him. 'No, I'm scared, El, I don't know when I'll be myself again...'

Elliot tried to hide his surprise. _Has she ever admitted to me that she was scared before now?_ He put his arms around her and kissed the top of her head. 'Give it time, Liv. You know you need to, you're just being you and impatient as ever.'

'El, I-' _Oh God, I can't do this._ She pulled away, bit her lip and looked down, fidgeting with the hem of the oversized T-shirt that she hadn't taken off since she had arrived almost a month before. _Just ask him. He'll do it. He has to do it._

He sighed to himself. _She's hiding something. _'Liv, tell me what's bothering you.' _Besides having been brutally raped in your own home, of course._ He mentally kicked himself.

_Ask him!_ She looked up at him, took his hand and guided it up under her shirt, silently cringing. _Oh God, this is so humiliating..._

Elliot's eyes widened in shock. 'Liv, what are you doing?'

She hesitated again. _It's too late to back out now, so you might as well just say it._ She chewed on her lip, still not quite meeting his eyes as she pressed his hand against her chest. _Say it!_ 'Elliot, I want to have sex.'

'You... what? Liv, I really don't think that's a good idea...'

_You don't think I know that?_ 'That's because you don't understand.' She finally looked him in the eye. 'El, I want to be me again. I want the last person who touched me not to be him. I want it to be you, El. I trust you like I trust no one else.' _I want to feel you on me instead of him, feel your hands on my skin, feel your lips against my mouth, feel you inside of me, even if it's just for a few minutes, even if it doesn't last... _'Please, El, for me.' _I want you to be the first._

_Oh, Liv..._ He smiled sadly at her and stroked the side of her face. 'Liv, you don't have to-'

'I want to.' Olivia put her other hand on his shoulder, the plaster of the cast on her arm rough against his skin. 'Kiss me, Elliot.'

He leaned in and kissed her, stroking the side of her face with his hand. He felt her hesitate, and then she was tentatively kissing him back, her hand still clasped around his beneath her shirt. He moved his hand down to her waist and she flinched. 'Liv, you really don't-'

Olivia silently cursed. _Control yourself, you idiot._ 'Just give me a minute.' She took some deep breaths. 'OK, I'm ready.' She took his hand and held it back against her side, pulling him down on top of her.

He smiled at her and kissed her again, first tentatively and then more deeply, cautiously slipping his tongue into her mouth-

_Oh no no no no no no NO!_ She made a choking noise and gagged, pushing him off her and bolting upright, gasping and heaving as she hung over the side of the bed. _Oh God, this isn't sexy..._

_Bastard._ Elliot sat up and put his arm around her shoulder, fighting back a surge of guilt. _For God's sake, Elliot, how could you do this to her?_ 'Sssssshhhh, Liv, ssssshhhhh, it's OK, it's OK.' She could feel him stroking her hair reassuringly. 'I'm sorry, Liv, I'm so sorry, I didn't think.' _You useless selfish asshole, you knew this would happen..._

'No.' She bit down on her lip and shook her head. 'No, it's not your fault, it's mine.' _You've ruined everything, you useless over-sensitive bitch. Happy now?_

He sighed. 'Liv... none of this is your fault.' _I'm the one who did this. It's all my fault, and I'm sorry._ 'You don't have to prove anything, OK? We don't have to do anything that you don't want to do.'

She looked up at him. 'But El, I want to do this.' _Why can't he see that?_

'Liv-' _I don't want you to regret this tomorrow, I couldn't bear it..._

She put her hand on the back of his neck, pulled him in and kissed him, her arms wrapping around his back as she pulled him back on top of her. 'Shut up, Elliot.' _Now, before I lose my nerve._ 'Kiss me.'

* * *

><p>huge, huge cut.<p>

* * *

><p>He stroked the side of her face, starting to kiss her again, feeling her lips brushing softly against his and her thumb stroking the back of his neck as the plaster of the cast on her arm rubbed uncomfortably against his skin, the whole time pretending that he didn't feel her wincing with every movement, trying to think of something to force himself to finish faster without making her think that he was pitying her, or treating her any differently because of what had happened.<p>

_Her smiling._

_Her laughing._

_The impromptu football game that Cassidy had insisted on at the annual department barbecue, and where they had played together the day before their partnership officially started._

_Her hair was scraped back untidily with an elastic band she had taken off his desk before they left the squadroom._

_She had kept tackling him, chasing him around the field and cackling loudly, hurling herself through the air and grabbing his ankles and sending him crashing onto his face on the ground. It quickly became a running joke that he should just hit the deck himself every time play started and save her some trouble so that she could go cripple someone else once in a while._

_But that would mean not seeing that wonderful, mildly pitying smile she was giving him every time he sat up after yet another rough tackle, with yet another fresh grass stain on his shirt._

_He loved that smile._

_Elliot didn't even really mind the humiliation of repeatedly having his ass handed to him by a girl who couldn't weigh more than about 125lbs at best._

_He'd turn around and she'd be smiling, throwing her head back and clapping her hands as she laughed at him, doing her ridiculous victory dance that made her look a bit like a demented ostrich, her hair already coming loose and her high-heeled shoes kicked off at the side of the field, her white cotton socks stained by the grass._

_And then, when he had somehow finally managed to dodge her long enough to actually score a point, she had run across the field, jumped up and thrown her arms around him, and he had felt her breath on his face as she laughed into his ear, her hair tickling his cheek as she told him not to forget that he was still her bitch, before she planted a quick kiss on his cheek and skipped off to high-five Cassidy on the other side of the field, the back of her shirt riding up to show a quick flash of skin._

And then, before he knew it, it was over.

'Thank you, El.' She was looking up at him, stroking the side of his face. 'Thank you for doing this for me.'

'That's OK.' He kissed her. 'I love you.' As soon as he had said it, Elliot suddenly realised that it was true. _Oh shit._

_**A/N: Edit aside, did you still like it? Please send me a review and let me know!  
><strong>_


	11. Chapter 11

_**A/N: So, I have a Heritage update for you... thank you so much, my two reviewers for my last chapter, because it was a tricky one. Give this one a read and let me know what you think!  
><strong>_

_**Kristy6, hopefully this chapter should go a ways towards addressing your concerns... though I think we talked it out pretty good already! Also, thank you so much for your lovely review to 'Paranoia' - it greatly improved my mood, despite everything.**_

_**courtneylovejason, I'm glad you liked it, and I'm glad you liked how it was done. The next chapter will have the first actual squadroom-based scene, so hopefully that should answer some of your questions too.**_

_**inspirationimagination - you're lovely. Hell, you're ALWAYS lovely. I loved your review. Just loved it. As in it took me quite a while to stop bouncing around the house. Not only was it specific and detailed, but it said such lovely lovely things... so thank you, and I hope you like this one just as much!  
><strong>_

_**For everyone who was hoping that from now on it would be a happy-ever-after-true-love-conquers-all - unfortunately, that's not how life works, and if it did, I'd be scouring the singles bars of Belfast right now. I hope you stick with it anyway though, because while things never magically resolve themselves, they can get better in the long run.  
><strong>_

_**This note has been rather short for me but, due to a lack of anything else to waffle on about, here it is! I hope you like it and be sure to let me know!  
><strong>_

_I shouldn't have done it._

He was still sleeping, one arm reaching out for her.

_Oh God, I shouldn't have done it._

She'd moved as far over to the other side of the bed as she could, and now she was balanced precariously on the edge of the mattress, clutching at the bedsheet with both hands, not daring to move in case it woke him up.

_I can't believe that he actually wanted to cuddle afterwards. _

_I can't believe that he had the audacity to look hurt when I didn't want to._

Less than five seconds after he had finished she had already been up and running to the bathroom _(shouting something about how you had to pee afterwards to prevent cystitis)_, suddenly struck with horror about what she had done.

_(oh God oh God oh God oh God this is so awful so awful)_

She could still feel him inside of her.

_I didn't come this time. Why didn't I come this time? I asked him to do it, it was all my idea, so why couldn't he make me come when the guy who... who... _

Olivia stared into the mirror, forcing herself to look her reflection in the eye.

_Was He right? Did I secretly want it? Is that why I came when He touched me and not when El did?_

She suddenly stopped and looked down, horrified to feel IT running out of her and down the insides of her legs. _Oh God, this is so disgusting. How could I have let him put this in me? Oh God, what if some of His... stuff... is still inside of me too? It can't be, oh God, it can't be, it would have all-_

It had run out of her Then too.

_What?_

It had run out of her Then too.

_Oh no, no, no..._

IT would have been trickling down her legs but she had never known, it had never occurred to her, and because it was mixed with all the blood _(her blood)_ she hadn't seen it, she'd walked miles and miles with the stuff caked on her thighs and-

She retched and ran to the toilet, falling onto her knees and emptying her stomach into the bowl. Not that there was much to empty, only a little of the toast Elliot had made her eat that morning and some of one of the protein shakes Kathy had brought.

_(oh this is so disgusting)_

There was a little bit of blood on her thighs now but nothing like before, nothing like Then, just enough to give the STUFF a faint pinkish stain, and it would stop bleeding soon enough, wouldn't it? _Wouldn't it?_

_It had to. _

It couldn't be that bad, she couldn't be that damaged, no matter how much it had hurt...

_(oh God but it had hurt)_

It had felt as if she was being torn open and stabbed in the stomach from the inside, every move had made her want to scream-

_Even if I told him not to stop, how was he able to carry on? Seeing and hearing me screaming in pain and crying wasn't enough to turn him off? _

_Oh God, what if it turned him on? _

She grabbed the showerhead and turned it on full blast, cranking the temperature up to the maximum setting and holding it between her legs.

_How could he have done this?_

_It's because you told him to._

_That doesn't matter, he shouldn't have done it anyway!_

_If he hadn't, then you would have been even more upset._

The STUFF was draining out of her faster now, it and the blood turning the water running out of her and into the bottom of the bath a faint, cloudy pink, and she began to shuffle around, trying desperately to avoid actually having to stand in it.

_Oh God oh God oh God oh God this is so disgusting..._

_Wait._

_No. _

_Oh no._

_No, she wasn't._

_SHE COULD NOT BE GETTING AROUSED BY THIS OH GOD-_

She screamed and threw the showerhead at the wall, breaking it into two pieces before it fell into the bath, still spewing water uncontrollably.

_Oh God why does this keep happening OH GOD-_

_(I KNEW I SHOULD HAVE CUT IT OUT OF ME WHEN I HAD THE CHANCE OH GOD)_

She sank to her knees, realising too late that she was kneeling in the contaminated water.

_(OH GOD NO)_

She shrieked and jumped to her feet, wobbling unsteadily for a second before she fell, grabbing at the shower curtain and pulling it down before she hit the floor with a crash, the wet nylon clinging uncomfortably to her body.

_Oh no, did Elliot hear that?_

She held her breath and listened, afraid to move, hoping that the walls between the bathroom and Elliot's bedroom were enough to have stopped the sound of her screams from carrying.

_He didn't hear._

_If he'd heard, he would have come looking._

_Unless he doesn't care anymore._

She had waited for as long as she possibly could before going back to bed, hoping desperately that he would have fallen asleep while she was away, but he hadn't. The minute she had slipped back into bed beside him, holding her breath and trying not to cry, he had smiled and reached out for her.

_I can't believe he thought I'd want to cuddle._

After an uncomfortable hour or so of silence he'd finally fallen asleep, alone, and she had lain there beside him silently staring up at the ceiling, fidgeting with the bedcovers and biting her lip.

_What have I done?_

It was hours later now and she was still sore. She shifted uncomfortably, taking care not to wake Elliot, and then slipped one hand down between her legs, feeling a wetness beneath her fingers. _Oh God, are you turned on even by this, you awful sick bitch?_ She held her hand up to the light and saw that her fingers were smeared with blood. _Shit. _She was still bleeding._ Maybe it's just my period?_ She knew that it wasn't. He'd torn her.

_Oh God, how could he have kept going? He could tell how much it hurt me, he must have felt me tear, but he still didn't stop!_

She bit her fist, trying not to cry. _Why didn't he stop?_

_Because you told him not to._

She pulled up the bedcovers and buried her face in the sheet. _He should still have stopped!_

She bit down harder on her fist until she could taste blood in her mouth, and then suddenly felt him stir.

_(Oh God he's awake)_

'Morning, Liv.' Elliot smiled and rolled over towards her to kiss her cheek.

She fought the urge to shove him away from her. 'Morning.'

_What if that's the real reason why he works for SVU? What if he gets off on this? What if... what if the reason that he sits and listens to me for so long is that he's... he's remembering everything I tell him so... so..._

Oh no. Oh NO.

_No, Olivia, don't be ridiculous. _

She was being ridiculous.

_But... what if I'm not?_

'Liv, are you OK?' He was leaning over her now, his face full of concern.

'Yes, I'm fine.'

_Oh God, what if he wants to go again? What if last night wasn't enough for him?_

_It has to have been enough._

_Not if he decides to just take it._

_He wouldn't, he wouldn't, he wants to help me..._

_He didn't seem to have any problems with causing you pain last night._

_But... I asked him to do it. I told him to do it. _

She began to chew on her lower lip. _Oh God, I shouldn't have done this... _

Elliot tried to take her hand and she jerked away. 'Liv?'

_I thought it would make me better! Why didn't it make me better?_

'Liv, talk to me.'

'I'm fine.'

_Why won't he just leave me alone? What does he want me to say? _She bit her lip._ I was screaming in pain, there were tears running down my face, I was... he must have felt me tearing, and..._

_And he still enjoyed it enough to have had an orgasm. My pain made him come._

She heard him sigh. 'I'll go and get you some water.'

_What is it about me that makes men need to hurt me?_

She burrowed deeper under the covers. _Except Elliot doesn't want to hurt you. He was trying to help you. You know that. All he ever wants is to help you._

_Really?_

_Yes, and you know that, you're just scared._

She heard the phone start to ring and pulled the bedcovers up over her head, waiting for the answerphone to click on. _Shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up-_

There was a brief silence as the ringing finally stopped and before the stilted, automated voice of the answering machine kicked in. 'Hello, you have reached 7 - 1 - 8 - 0 - 3 - 1 - 2 - 1 - 3 - 9 ...'

_Trust Elliot not to have gotten around to recording his own message. _Without thinking she smiled to herself, and then she suddenly felt a rush of guilt. _How could I have let myself think all those awful things about him? This is all my fault, not his. This is just like you, always blaming everyone but yourself, God, it's no wonder no one likes you..._

'...please leave your message after the tone.'

BEEP.

'Uh, hi, Elliot, it's Fin. We just got a hit back on the DNA you ran from the Jane Doe rape kit last month, and-'

Olivia froze and peeked out from under the covers. _Oh God, no... it couldn't be true._

'-told us to call you so that you could deal with the guy yourself, and-'

_No, no, it wasn't possible... _

'-got the guy down at the precinct if you want to come by and talk with him, so-'

_Oh God... they found him... they actually found him..._

'-only hold him for so long, so give me a call ay-sap to let me know you got this.'

She heard the click as he hung up.

_Oh my God... they found him... they... they found him..._

'Liv, I'm sorry.'

She looked up to see Elliot standing in the doorway holding a glass of water.

'El...' Her voice caught in her throat. 'El, they found him.'

He was still just standing there. 'About last night, Liv, I'm so sorry-'

_Why isn't he listening?_ 'El, they found him.'

He sat down on the bed next to her and handed her the glass. 'Found who, Liv?'

'Fin called. He said that the DNA you ran came back with a hit. The DNA that you got from... from me.'

Elliot's stomach lurched. _Oh no, why, why did she have to hear that? _ 'He did?'

She nodded, squeezing the water glass between her hands, feeling the glass bend slightly with an odd, grating creak. 'He said to come down there because they have the guy in custody.'

'Oh.' He paused for a minute. _Oh God, how do I do this?_ 'OK, well, I'll, uh, go deal with that-'

Olivia was already on her feet, the water glass forgotten beside the bed. 'I'm coming too.'

He sighed. 'No, Liv, you're not.' _._

Olivia's eyes narrowed. 'Yes, El, I am.' _And I'd like to see you try and stop me._

_Are you insane?_ 'Liv, that's not a good idea.'

'Why not? At the very least I can tell you whether you have the right guy or not!' _After I get my hands on that bastard he's going to be eating and shitting through a straw for months._

'That's not the point, Liv, it's too soon-'

'Why? We make all the real victims do it all the time at work. Why not me?'

'Because... well, because...' _Because I can't do that to you._

'You keep going on and on about how I'm not special and that I need to treat myself like one of the victims we see, El, so why shouldn't I come with you? Am I special, or aren't I? You can't have it both ways, El, it doesn't work like that.'

He stared at her. _Yeah, there's no way that she's going to back down on this one._ 'Fine, you can come, but you're not going anywhere near him, let alone talking to him.' He frowned. She didn't seem to be listening. 'Olivia, you're going to stay away from him, do you understand me?'

She nodded innocently. 'Yes, El, of course I do.' _But that still doesn't mean I'm going to do it._

_**A/N: Another change in tone... what do you make of it? Send me a review and let me know!**  
><em>


	12. Chapter 12

_**A/N: I have another chapter for you, and as this is really a sort of 'Part One of Two' with the next chapter, I'll try and get that one up soon too. In the meantime, don't forget to send me a quick review to let me know what you think of this one!  
><strong>_

_**Also, thanks to everyone who reads 'Paranoia' for your advice on how to deal with my mother, I wish I could say that it had made everything all perfectly fine again but whatever, she's just a bit of a crazy bitch. You've given me some help in seeing how to learn to live with it though, so thanks =) All you retail slaves out there - Happy(?) Black Friday, and hopefully most of your customers weren't THAT crazy (I too used to work retail, and I remember it well.)**_

_**inspirationimagination - Once again, I am so so SO happy you enjoyed it so much. I worked hard on creating a balance between the different moods and thought processes, so I'm glad that it worked. I always try to put a lot of thought into my phrasing and description as well, especially in a story like this where the mood is so changeable and the subtle nuances of the language play such a huge part in developing the mood, so... and that was incredibly incoherent but my brain's kind of turned to mush after cranking this chapter out so fast for you guys! I hope you like this one just as much.**_

_**PushTheButton - I'm glad you liked how I wrote the different emotions, and how I depicted the way that Olivia's attack and her trauma have so completely thrown her for a loop. I'm going to be developing that a lot more in the next few chapters, so hopefully you'll enjoy that too.**_

_**courtneylovejason - as ever, well spotted =)**_

_**Kristy6 - It's good that you thought the chapter brought it back to more realistic ground. I really wanted the two chapters to work as a big contrast to each other because in the first one, she's worked herself up into believing that once she does this everything will be OK again, so as almost the whole thing is written from her perspective it read a little like a really fucked-up fairytale - 'if you complete this one task you have earned your freedom' kind of thing. And then of course afterwards, she feels exactly the same, and it's one hell of a crash - as you saw in the second chapter. Anyway, I'm glad you liked it. It is hard to understand for anyone who hasn't been through something like this, so I'm happy that you're trying. I hope you had fun for Thanksgiving too!**_

_**Hutch917 - I think Olivia's pretty confused as well...**_

_**lou3174 - Yes, it's awful that people still have to go through this, especially since the vast majority don't have an Elliot figure there to look out for them and help them through it. What can I say though, it's kind of cathartic for me to write. Watching SVU, as sad as this sounds, has also made me feel a lot better as time has passed as well - it's a world where they always catch the bad guys and the police are all kind and understanding and however bad it gets, Elliot and Olivia are always there... it's a fucked-up kind of escapism.**_

_**Anyway, my usual marathon author's note is over, and I hope you all like the chapter. I'll try and get the next one up as soon as I can, but my beloved, poisonous mother is here this weekend, so we'll see how it goes... but in the meantime, don't forget to send me a review of this one to let me know what you think!**_

'I want to go in and talk to him.'

'Liv...' Elliot sighed. They'd been over this over and over again for almost an hour on the way to the precinct, and rather than backing down she was just getting steadily louder and more persistent. 'We both know that that isn't a good idea.'

Olivia clenched her fists and glared. 'Why the hell not?'

_Why the hell do you think?_ 'Because you're still too fragile!'

Olivia bristled. _You utter bastard._ 'I am NOT fragile, Elliot, I'm NOT!'

'Liv, you are.' He tried to take her hand and she brushed him away angrily. _Oh, for Christ's sake. After we had sex last night you practically tore my bathroom apart trying to wash yourself off while I pretended not to hear. When I got up this morning, the torn shower curtain was stuffed behind the toilet tank in what I assume was some half-assed attempt to hide it. Does that sound like normal, healthy behaviour to you?_ 'I'm sorry, and I know you don't want me to say it, but you are.' He smiled sadly at her and offered her his hand again, feeling a surge of irritation as she glanced down at it and wrinkled her nose. _Oh, grow up. _He immediately felt bad. _No, Elliot, that's not fair._ 'Please, Liv, just let me help you.'

_Patronising asshole._ Olivia's eyes narrowed. 'Fuck you.' She pushed him aside impatiently and headed into the squadroom without a backward glance. _Damn him, refusing to believe that I'm OK, thinking that I can't do this on my own, that I need him to watch over me all the time like a fucking babysitter..._

Elliot swore to himself and ran after her. 'No, Liv, wait-' _There's something I need to tell you first..._ She was already heading over towards Fin and Munch. _Shit._ 'Liv!'

She ignored him. _OK, Olivia, act casual._ 'John, Fin, anything fun happen while I was away?'

'No, not really.' Munch leaned back in his chair and raised an eyebrow at her. 'Except that guy down on 23rd who mooned the bus full of nuns and then got chased bare-assed for fifteen blocks by seventy-three offended Mass-goers fresh out of the evening service.' He cackled to himself.

Fin rolled his eyes. 'What he means is, it's really great to see you again, Liv.' He smiled at her. 'To be honest, jokes aside, none of us were expecting to see you back any time soon once Elliot told us what had happened.'

_What?_ Olivia's stomach turned over. 'He... he did?' She shot Elliot a look. _What did you tell them?_

'No, we all thought you'd need a little more time.' Munch shrugged. 'God knows I would after something like that.'

'...Really?' _Elliot, what the hell did you tell them?'_

'Who wouldn't?' Munch shook his head and started fiddling with an already thoroughly desecrated paper clip. 'Something like that , it shakes you up pretty good because it makes you realise that no matter how cautious you usually are, it just takes one brief lapse in vigilance, you know?'

Olivia looked stunned. 'It... it does?' She sat down hard on the nearest desk. _Oh God, no..._

Elliot's heart sank. 'Liv, no-' _It's really not what you think-_

Munch was still fidgeting with the paper clip, completely oblivious. 'Well, yeah. There'll always be someone who says it was your fault, and maybe in some ways it might have been, but don't let that get to you.' He finally discarded the paper clip and looked up at her. 'Things like this just can't be helped, Liv.'

Olivia's head began to spin, bile rising in her throat. _Oh no, no, no, he can't, they can't... _ 'What the... what the hell-' _Elliot, what the hell did you do?_

_Oh God, that could not have sounded worse._ Elliot stepped in front of her. 'No, Liv, it's not what you think-'

'El, I...' She felt as if someone punched her hard in the gut. 'How could you tell them, Elliot?' Her voice caught in her throat. 'How could you tell them about-'

Elliot quickly cut her off. 'About your car accident?' He gave her a meaningful look. 'Sorry, Liv, but I had to tell them about your car accident to explain why you weren't here.'

Olivia blinked. 'My... car accident?' _What the hell is he talking about?_

'Yes. How you swerved to avoid a raccoon in the road, spun out and hit a concrete post?'

'Oh? OH!' Olivia felt a sudden rush of guilt. _Of course he wouldn't have told them. God, Olivia, you're such a bitch._ 'Oh... yes.' She cleared her throat awkwardly. 'My car accident.' _Crap, now I'll have to sell my car. I'd only just figured out how to pop the hood without having to use a slim jim._

'Terrible shame, Liv, that was one real nice car you had there.' Munch shook his head mournfully. 'Real nice.'

Elliot sighed to himself. _Sensitive as ever there, John._

Fin cleared his throat and looked at his watch pointedly. 'So, El, the DNA match I called you about-'

Olivia was immediately on her feet again and looking around. _At long fucking last._ 'Where is he? I want to talk to him.' She shot Elliot a warning look. 'I want to interview him myself.' _And I'm damn well going to._

_Oh, for Christ's sake, Liv..._ Elliot rolled his eyes. 'Well, you can't.'

'But I want to!' _Who the fuck are you to tell me what to do?_

'Olivia, I'm not happy with your even being here in the first place.' _If you want me to try and take care of you, then maybe you should try listening to me once in a while._

'Well, Elliot, maybe it's not your choice to make, did you ever think of that?' _Looking after me does not give you the right to control me, whatever you might think._

Munch grinned and elbowed Fin in the ribs. 'Those two bitch at each other like an old married couple.' He feigned a wistful expression and put his arm around Fin's shoulders. 'Think that'll be us one day? Drinking lemonade on the porch, watching the grandkids playing in the yard, bickering fondly?'

Fin ignored him. 'Elliot, what the hell's your problem? Liv's good, why shouldn't she have her shot with Phillips?'

'Phillips?' Olivia felt her stomach turn over. 'His name is Phillips?'

'Yeah.' Fin pushed Munch's arm off his shoulder, grabbed a file off his desk and handed it to her. 'Jonathan T. Phillips.'

Olivia took the file and stared at it numbly. _Phillips... _She suddenly felt very, very odd. She could hear her blood pounding in her ears, her heart feeling oddly fluttery and light, as if it was both rising up into her throat and evaporating into thin air. She leaned against the nearest desk and took a deep breath, trying to control the heavy, rising wave of nausea crushing her chest. _His name is Phillips... _

'OK, Liv, enough.' Elliot tried to take the file from her and she snatched it away angrily, feeling herself sway on the spot a little before she caught herself. 'Come on, Liv-'

'NO, Elliot, I want to talk to him and I want to talk to him NOW!' _Great argument you got there, just stamp your feet and demand an ice cream and I think you've got him beat._ She sighed to herself. _Well, it's not like I can tell him the real reason, is it?_

Elliot was desperately fighting the urge to scream at her out of sheer frustration. _Why can't she see that I'm just thinking of her?_ 'Liv, I said NO-'

Munch laughed and slapped him on the shoulder. 'Don't go getting all territorial on us, Elliot. Even if you don't want to share your Jane Doe with everyone, Liv is your partner.'

Elliot gritted his teeth as they started to walk towards the interview rooms. _Well, it looks like I don't get any choice in this. Wonderful. I feel so valued and appreciated._ 'That's not the point-'

Olivia cut him off. 'Then what is the point, Elliot?' She smiled sweetly.

Elliot took a deep breath, pushing the urge to scream even further down. _Why won't you just let me help you, for God's sake?_ 'Liv...'

'Shut up, Elliot.' She pushed through the next set of doors and then suddenly stopped short, staring through the crosshatched safety glass, her eyes wide.

Elliot leaned in and a second later she felt his breath on her ear. 'Liv, it's OK.' _This is why_ _I told you not to come._ 'You don't have to do this...'

She didn't seem to have heard him. 'That...' She felt sick. _Oh my God, that... _'El, that's Him...'

'Those psychic lessons are really paying off I see.' Munch opened the door. 'You want me to introduce you to our current resident Prince Charming, Liv?'

Olivia bit her lip and nodded, and then Elliot felt her hand on his. He sighed and squeezed it reassuringly. 'You want me to come in with you, Liv?'

She shook her head, hesitated, and then nodded. 'Yes. Yes, just when we're first, uh, introduced.' She looked at him and forced a smile. 'Best we all get to know him at once, right?'

_That's my girl. _He smiled and followed her into the room. 'Right.'

Munch smacked Jon hard on the shoulder. 'Detectives Benson and Stabler, this is our friendly neighbourhood rapist Jonathan T. Phillips!' He nudged Jon. 'You want to tell them what the T stands for or shall I?'

Jon glared silently.

'Fair enough!' Munch grinned. 'In this case, boys and girls, T is for Teresa.'

'It was a family name!' snapped Jon. 'I was one of eight boys!'

'Whatever. Considering your DNA just showed up in the vagina and mouth of one of our rape victims, I think that you've got worse problems right now than an awkward middle name.' He raised his eyebrows at Olivia. 'Reckon you can take it from here, Liv?'

Jon glanced over at her and winked. 'Hey, Liv.'

Olivia barely heard him. She felt like she was watching everything through a smeared black-and-white television screen. 'From...' _Is that really me talking? Is that really my voice?_ 'From her vagina and her mouth?' _My vagina and my mouth?_ She had to fight the urge to cover her crotch self-consciously. 'His DNA?' _His... His... oh God, His..._ 'It was... it was There?' _Of course it was there, where the hell did you think it was? Queens? _'Uh, of course. It was there.' She mentally kicked herself. _Moron._

'That's right.' Munch was giving her a concerned look. 'You've gone awfully pale, Liv, are you sure-'

_Control yourself, Benson._ Olivia quickly shook her head. _Oh God, I can feel His eyes on me..._ 'No, no, I'm fine, I can do this.' She shot Elliot a look. 'I can do this, Elliot.' She felt Jon's eyes on her again and forced herself to look away. _I can do this. I know that I can._

Elliot had no choice but to follow Munch back out of the room and into the viewing area. Fin was already there, leaning impatiently against the wall and fiddling with his phone. 'Well, you two took your sweet time.'

'Well, our beloved Mr Phillips makes such scintillating company.' Munch rolled his eyes. 'We just couldn't tear ourselves away.'

Elliot shifted uncomfortably and glanced at Olivia as she paced back and forth on the other side of the door. 'I'm still not sure this is a good idea-'

There was suddenly an ominous click and they looked at each other in silence.

Munch was the first to speak. 'Did she just lock the door?'

Elliot nodded. 'Go get Cragen, now.' Suddenly he heard a scrape and looked back into the room to see Olivia forcing the back of a chair under the door handle. _Oh shit. Oh SHIT._ 'NOW, John!'

Munch didn't argue.

_**A/N: What do you think? The confrontation is coming up next! Please let me know what you think, and I'll take it from there!**_


	13. Chapter 13

**_A/N: As promised, here's Part 2, updated nice and quick for you! What can I say, PTSD is a cow for insomnia, but my insomnia often works out well for you guys! I've done the formatting a little bit differently in this one to differentiate between the two sides of the two-way mirror, so hopefully that reads OK for you. Thank you so much for your reviews for the last chapter, and please let me know what you think of this one as well!  
><em>**

_**courtneylovejason - I hope this was updated fast enough for you! (it was actually physically impossible to get this finished any sooner...) Liv's a great one for acting like a badass even when she doesn't feel it (eg at the end of Undercover) and she also likes to act like one of the boys, so that seemed to me to be like something she would do - I kind of get the sense that a lot of how she acts around most people is a work persona, so it makes sense that she'd revert to what she knew at a time like this.  
><strong>_

_**lou3174 - if anyone was to have trouble with their self-control to that extent, it'd probably be Elliot...**_

_**inspirationimagination - I'm so glad you liked it. So, so glad. Munch is also one of my favourites so I love it when I can give him a big part to play in a scene... Belzer's gallows humour is a highlight of the show for me! I enjoy experimenting with the speech vs thoughts thing a lot, as you can tell... sometimes I wonder what it would be like in reality if I could hear everyone's thoughts too... **_

_**Kristy6 - Thanks for your review and I'm happy that you're back to enjoying the story a lot, and that you liked the last chapter so much. The humour in the show is one of the reasons I like it as much as I do, because anyone can write angstangstangst, but to balance it with a bit of dark humour just makes it a thousand times better in my opinion. Then again, that might just be me.  
><strong>_

_**(Also I'm kind of envious of your long interstate drive. I love driving, and travelling, and to be able to drive across big swathes of the US sounds AMAZING - maybe because Ireland is so tiny.)**_

_**Anyway, I hope you all like this one too, and I hope the formatting doesn't seem too weird, and don't forget to let me know what you think!  
><strong>._

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**Olivia turned away from the door and forced herself to actually look at Jon properly for the first time since they'd arrived at the precinct. **_**Wow... he looks so... so...**_** Her blood ran cold. **_**He looks so normal.**_

**He raised his eyebrows and smirked at her. 'Locking the door, huh?' **

**'Just want to make sure that we don't get interrupted.' Olivia forced a smile and leaned back against the door, crossing her arms in front of her.**

**'Why, you want a good fucking?'**

Behind the glass, Elliot winced.

**Olivia rolled her eyes. 'From you?' She snorted derisively. 'Please.'**

**'Well, we both know that you got to be here for a reason, right, sweetheart?'**

_**Just pretend it's someone else. Pretend it's just another day. You can do that. You've got him by the balls, you just have to twist. Deep breaths, Olivia, you can do this.**_** 'Walk me through what happened.'**

**He smiled languidly and leaned back in his chair. 'You know what happened.'**

_**It's just another day, just another interview...**_** 'I want to hear it from you.'**

**'Well, it was late at night and I went out for a walk-'**

_**Fuck this.**_** 'Did you plan the whole thing and specifically go out looking for someone, or was it just her?'**

**He winked at her. 'Honey, I'm always open to new things.'**

Elliot wondered idly if he was open to having someone's fist shoved far enough down his creep throat to castrate him from the inside. He smiled to himself._ Only one way to find out._

**Olivia was leaning against the door again, her hands clenched tightly into fists inside the big pocket on the front of her sweatshirt. **_**I will not show him that I'm afraid.**_** 'So why'd you pick her?'**

**'Her?' Jon raised his eyebrows at her. 'This another fantasy of yours?'**

**'This...' Olivia swallowed nervously, hoping that she sounded more confident and purposeful than she felt. 'This isn't about me.'**

**'Oh, I think it is.' Jon grinned. 'I think it's about both of us.' He sighed dramatically and rolled his eyes. 'Although... I suppose if that's the way you want to play it, then that's the way we'll play it.' He winked at her. 'We both know how much you love to roleplay, after all.'**

Elliot fought the urge to slam his fist through the window. 'Where the fuck is Cragen, I sent Munch to get him hours ago!'

Fin glanced at his watch. 'It's been less than five minutes, Elliot.'

Elliot ignored him. _Come on, Liv, please, just let me in..._

**Olivia took a deep breath and tried to control the waver in her voice. **_**Come on, Olivia, you can do this.**_** 'I said, why'd you pick her?'**

**'She looked upset. I comforted her.'**

**'By pinning her down and... and... and by...' She was already getting flustered and she immediately hated herself for it**_**. Get a fucking grip, Benson. You've been waiting for this for a month, don't you dare fuck it up now.**_** 'And, uh, by doing what you did?' **_**Real eloquent there, well done.**_

**Jon gave her a long, patronising look. 'Please, she loved it.'**

**'I bet she didn't.' **_**I hope and pray that I didn't.**_

**Jon leaned forward and grinned. 'Well, if she didn't want it, then why did she invite me back to her apartment?'**

**Olivia bit her lip, forcing herself not to cry. **_**I ask myself that every single minute of every single day.**_** 'Was there anything that she could have done to stop you?' **_**If I'd fought harder, pleaded more, begged less...**_

Elliot sighed. _Liv, there was nothing that you could have done, and you know that, I know you do._

**Jon was leaning casually back in his chair again, giving her a pitying smile. 'I wouldn't have done anything that she hadn't asked me to do. I could tell what she wanted and how much she was getting off on it.'**

**Olivia felt a sudden surge of anger. 'Oh, you could, could you?'**

**He raised an eyebrow at her, his gaze moving slowly up her body until it met her eyes, and she fought the urge to cringe. 'You should have heard her scream as I pleasured her. I stroked her until she came so hard that I thought her eyes were about to pop out of her head. I kept asking her and every time she told me that it was good, that she was enjoying it.' **

Munch was back with Cragen, and the captain did not look happy. 'What the hell's going on here, you three?'

Fin nodded towards the interrogation room. 'Liv's locked herself in there with that creep Phillips.'

Cragen frowned. 'Our Jane Doe rapist?'

'That's the one.' Elliot was biting his thumbnail and watching Olivia through the window. For all her tough act, he could already see her shaking_. It's OK, Liv, it's OK... _He held his palm against the viewing window, ignoring the odd looks he was getting. _Fuck them all._

**'And don't think I don't know when a woman's faking it, Liv.' Jon leaned forward again, his eyes bright and sharp, and Olivia instinctively backed away until she was pressed up against the two-way mirror, feeling her stomach lurch as he grinned and winked at her. 'I even pleasured her orally. Is that the kind of thing that a rapist would do?' **

_Don't listen to him, Liv..._ Elliot began to stroke the window with his thumb without thinking. _Don't let him get to you..._

Munch cleared his throat. 'You bonding with the window there, Elliot?'

Elliot whipped his hand away from the glass and glared. 'Shut up, John.' He silently cursed himself. _Keep a handle on it, you idiot, or they're going to guess that something's up._

**Jon glanced down at her crotch and smiled. 'This turning you on?'**

**Olivia felt a sudden rush of nausea. **_**Oh God, I think I'm going to be sick...**_** 'No. Should it?' **_**Easy, Olivia, you can do this.**_

**He pushed his chair back and nodded at the tabletop, eyebrows raised. 'You want to fuck right here on this table?'**

Elliot flinched. _Jesus Christ._

**Olivia forced down the urge to gag and crossed her arms again. 'No.' **_**It's OK, it's OK, he's handcuffed to the chair, he can't get you... **_

**'Why not?' There was a sudden harshness in Jon's voice. 'No one else will ever want you, you filthy bitch.'**

Elliot saw her flinch and bit his lip. 'You're not filthy, Liv, don't listen to him...'

Fin cleared his throat. 'You say something, Elliot?'

_Shit._ Elliot shook his head. 'No. No, I didn't.' _Don't listen to him, Liv, don't let him get to you, you're better than this..._

**Jon was smirking at her again, licking his lips, and something inside Olivia suddenly snapped. **_**This bastard cannot say shit like this to me and just get away with it. **_** 'You know what? You're wrong. Someone did.' **

**He snorted. 'Who?'**

**'The guy who was in here five minutes ago. He fucked me last night, and he fucked me hard. It was incredible.' **

There was an awkward silence behind the two-way mirror.

Fin was the first to work up the courage to break it. 'So, uh, you two...' He cleared his throat and glanced at Munch and Elliot in turn. 'Any takers?'

There was a brief silence before Munch finally sighed and reluctantly gestured at Elliot, shaking his head mournfully.

**'You're lying.' Jon's voice had become uncertain.**

**'I'm not. He was good.' Olivia managed a wink and a weak smile. 'Hell, he was fantastic.'**

Elliot blushed bright red behind the two-way mirror and stared at the floor as he felt Fin and Cragen's eyes on him. _This was horribly like a nightmare he'd had once, except that this time he wasn't naked and Judge Donnelly wasn't pointing and laughing._

**'But did he make you come?' Jon raised an eyebrow at her.**

**Olivia forced a laugh. 'Did he? Did he?' **_**No.**_** 'He made me come so hard that I screamed his name over and over and over until my throat was raw and my voice was hoarse.' **

Elliot felt Munch pat him on the back and turned even redder. 'She's, uh, exaggerating a little.'

**Olivia leaned over the table and stared him in the eye. 'So how does that feel, you son of a bitch?' **_**Do you want to hit me? Come on, do it. Do it, you asshole. I've got my gun.**_

Cragen looked doubtful. 'Uh, Elliot, I know that she has a funny way of going about this sometimes but-'

**Jon was staring right back at her. 'How does it feel? I don't know. How do you feel? How do you feel knowing that you didn't even try to struggle?'**

Fin shot Munch a surprised look. 'Did he just say 'you'?'

**Olivia felt sick. **_**How do I feel? How do I feel? I feel... I feel... Oh GOD, I feel... For fuck's sake, Benson, control yourself.**_** Her jaw set into a hard line. 'Fuck you.'**

Elliot smiled to himself. _That's my girl._

**Jon smiled. 'Honey, you did.'**

**'I did not.' **_**Shut up shut up shut up shut up they'll all hear you...**_

**'Yes, you did, don't you remember? In your apartment? I held you down and we fucked passionately right there?'**

Fin shook his head. 'Jesus Christ, the bastard raped Liv...'

Cragen leaned in towards Elliot. 'Elliot, did you know about this?'

Elliot nodded silently, not taking his eyes off her. _Come on, Liv, come out now, you've done your thing, now come home..._

**Jon was leaning back in his chair, his arms crossed, smiling as he watched Olivia pacing back and forth restlessly. 'You threw your head back and you screamed as I touched you, Liv, oh God, it was so hot-'**

**'SHUT THE HELL UP!' Olivia screamed, throwing the file at him and sending papers scattering across the floor. She turned away for a second, taking deep breaths and trying to stop shaking. **_**Oh God, now they all know, they all know everything, oh God...**_** 'Rape... rape I deal with every day, but this... but you...' She swallowed and turned around to face him. 'Why did you have to make me come?' Suddenly she felt tears beginning to run down her face. **_**Shit.**_** 'Why did you do this to me?' **_**This isn't how this was meant to go...**_

**'Please, you wanted me to, don't you remember how hard you came, Liv? Don't you remember how much you loved it, don't you remember the way that you kissed me?'**

Elliot bit his lip again. _Don't listen to him, Liv, please..._

**Jon licked his lips and winked. 'God, I always loved your tits, Liv, they were fantastic, all pale and soft and pert, and the way your nipples got so hard as soon as I touched them, it was just exquisite-'**

_Enough._ Elliot pushed past Cragen and grabbed the loudspeaker handset. 'Liv, it's El, come out now, OK?'

**'-and the way that you kicked and you screamed, I knew that you were getting off on it just as much as I was-'**

'LIV, that's enough, come on!' Elliot beat on the glass, feeling it reverberate hollowly beneath his fist. 'LIV!'

**Olivia was standing in the centre of the room, clenching her fists, her shoulders hunched and shaking. 'Stop it, just stop it...'**

**'-I felt you come, Liv, I felt you squeezing me, I felt you thrusting your hips up into me as you threw your head back-'**

Elliot pounded harder on the window. 'Liv, it's OK, it's El, come on, Liv, let me in, OK?'

**'Oh GOD, Liv, and when I was licking you, my God, you were so sweet-'**

Olivia burst into noisy sobs and Elliot felt another surge of rage. _Oh, I'm going to break this guy into a hundred thousand tiny little pieces before I'm done..._ 'Liv, Liv, it's El, it's OK, Liv, let me in...'

**'-and you know what, I bet that guy who fucked you last night was thinking about what I did to you the whole time-'**

**Olivia buried her face in her hands and sank to the floor, curling up into a ball against the wall. 'No, no, that's not true...'**

'OLIVIA, OLIVIA, THAT'S NOT TRUE!' Elliot bit his lip and dropped the loudspeaker handset as he turned to Cragen. 'Fuck this, I'm breaking that window.'

'Elliot, no-'

**'-I bet he was fantasising about doing it himself, wishing that he just had the balls to do it-'**

**Olivia held her hands over her ears. 'No no no no NO!'**

'WHAT THE HELL DO YOU WANT ME TO DO?' Elliot gestured angrily into the room where Olivia was cowering against the wall sobbing. 'Look what he's doing to her!'

**'-hell, I bet you were thinking about it too, weren't you, the way that I pushed into you again and again, the way you squeezed your legs around me-'**

**'NO!'**

'Come on, Cap, you gotta let me get her out of there-'

'Elliot, you cannot do this-'

**'-oh, Liv, just thinking about this is so hot that I'm getting hard right now, I'd fuck you right now if I could.- **

**'Please, please, please don't, please...' Olivia slumped onto her side and buried her head between her knees. 'Please...'**

Elliot clenched his fists at his sides. 'Fuck you, this is your fault, you're the ones that let her go in there in the first place-'

'From what John told me, she wanted to go, Elliot-'

**Jon pushed his hips upwards and winked. 'You want to unzip me? Because I'd really appreciate it if you would, Liv, I think I mentioned what we could do on our second date before, didn't I?' He raised an eyebrow at her. 'And I bet you're really, REALLY good...'**

'LOOK AT HER!' Elliot grabbed Cragen's jacket and shoved him hard against the window, jabbing his finger towards where Olivia was curled up on her side on the floor, her eyes squeezed tightly shut and her back pressed up against the wall. 'She's not competent to make that kind of a decision!'

Cragen pushed him away angrily. 'You are way, WAY out of line right now-'

'Well, you know what?' Elliot's voice had become dangerously quiet as he stepped forward and leaned in so close that Cragen could feel his breath on his face. 'I really don't give a flying fuck-' He clenched his fists and then suddenly there was a deafening crash.

Munch shrugged and casually dropped the fire extinguisher on top of the pile of broken glass. 'Oops.'

**Olivia suddenly felt a hand on her shoulder and froze. **_**Oh God oh God oh God not again not again please...**_

**'Liv?' She could hear Elliot's voice. 'Liv, it's me.'**

**Jon looked Elliot up and down and grinned. 'Ah, is this your little sex partner?' He leaned forward in his chair again, feigning interest. 'Tell me, was it like throwing a pencil down an empty hallway after I'd had her?' He looked Elliot up and down and smirked. 'I hear steroids can do terrible things to one's dick.'**

**Elliot ignored him and stroked the side of Olivia's face. 'Liv?'**

**She turned her head and looked up at him with wide, glassy eyes. 'Elliot, I let him do things to me, Elliot, I let him...' She broke down into thick, heaving sobs. 'El, I let him...'**

**'Sssshhhh, Liv, you didn't let him do anything.' He leaned over her and scooped her up into his arms, feeling her bury her face in his shoulder and sob harder as she wrapped her arms around his neck. He kissed the top of her head and began to stroke her hair soothingly. 'You didn't let him do anything.' **

**There was a loud thump and Elliot glanced up. Munch shrugged at him again and slipped his shoe back on. 'Oops.'**

**'He hit me with his shoe!' Jon was glaring angrily up at Munch. **

**'I didn't see anything.' Elliot rose to his feet, still holding Olivia tightly against his chest as he stroked her hair. 'Anyone else see anything?' Cragen and Fin shook their heads, and Elliot sighed. 'You know, Jon, you really need to stop making up these little stories.'**

**'FUCK YOU!' Jon tried to stand up and Fin grabbed his shoulders and shoved him back down into the chair. 'I'll have all of you for this!'**

**'You want to take it from here, El?' Fin was staring down at Jon as if he'd like to break both his legs and then dangle him by his ankles from the George Washington Bridge.**

_**Oh yes, I've lain awake and fantasised about this, I've thought about it every time I've had to hold her hair back while she vomits and to hold her while she cries, believe me, I'd like to break every single bone he has, I'd like to sit in here and bounce his head off the walls until he apologises for what he did to her and begs me to stop...**_** He heard Olivia sniff and hugged her tighter. 'No, I'm going to take Liv home.'**

**Munch winked at him. 'Don't worry. We'll make sure to question him pretty thoroughly for you.' He undid his top button and loosened his tie. 'Won't we, Detective Tutuola?'**

**Fin grinned, his hands tightening on Jon's shoulders. 'Damn straight we will.'**

**Cragen sighed. 'You know what, I think I'm going to go do some paperwork on the other side of the building until you two are done in here...'**

**Munch still hadn't taken his eyes off Jon. 'You sure you don't want to stay awhile, Elliot?'**

**Elliot looked down at Olivia, smiled and kissed the top of her head, feeling her snuggle closer to him as he began to stroke her hair soothingly again. 'Yes, John, I'm sure.' **

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**_A/N: What did you think? Send me a review and let me know!_  
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	14. Chapter 14

_**A/N: Yes, it's another Heritage update for you! Sorry it took so long (so long for me, anyway) but I have been afflicted with a touch of writer's block... So, give it a read and I hope you're interested enough to want to read more, so let me know!**_

_**If you're waiting on a 'Paranoia', 'Hysteria', or 'Anew', update, I'm sorry for the delay, but they have all been completely stymied by the writer's block - my apologies, but I've managed to emulate Benson and get myself a touch of the ol' PTSD.**_

_**On an unrelated note - any of you who live in New York, for the love of all that is holy be careful on the F train. There's a serial attacker working it and the stations it serves, and trust me, he can get anyone.  
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_**inspirationimagination - I love that you loved it so much. I was incredibly proud of those two chapters because they could both have gone so, so wrong, but I didn't think that they had... and I'm glad you agreed. As ever, I love using Munch in an important role... he's maybe my third favourite character on the show (no prizes for guessing who the first two are...) I also wanted to break up the intensity with a bit of humour, as I always like to do - in a way that sort of reflects life because however bad everything is going, there's always a few little light touches along the way, and I tend to focus hard on trying to find the humour in everything, if only to preserve my sanity a little... But anyway, your review was AMAZING, it completely made my week, and thank you so, so much for it. You're always awesome =)  
><strong>_

_**courtneylovejason - I very much enjoyed the mental image of my favourite set of platonic partners tag-teaming the sonofabitch uninterrupted, and I'm glad that you did too...**_

_**lou3174 - I'm glad you liked the humour, I always try to use a little bit of it in everything I write, however dark the subject matter.**_

_**PushTheButton - I always try and use private thoughts interspersed with the dialogue because, no matter how close people are, no one ever, EVER shares everything with someone else. Especially with something like this, what goes unspoken is just as and sometimes more important than the actual spoken words are.**_

_**Hutch917 - I'm happy you liked it, and hopefully you will like this one just as much.**_

_**gemfinder360 - welcome to my little world of E/O fic, I don't think you've ever reviewed me before but thank you! I hope you become one of my regulars, and of course that you like this chapter too!**_

_**Kristy6 - I know that you didn't review the last one because you're so busy, but hopefully this one will go a ways towards balancing out what you thought of Chapter 10 - like I said before, it can be kind of hard to get your head around the reasoning if you've not experienced something like this before, and sometimes I can forget that.**_

_**Anyway, long, LONG note over, here's the new chapter, and I really, REALLY hope that you like it (and don't forget to send me a review to let me know!)  
><strong>_

Olivia shifted uncomfortably, feeling Elliot's arm tighten around her middle. Her stomach hurt. It had been hurting all day, a sort of low-down burning cramp that just wouldn't go away. _Maybe it's my period._ No. It was a different kind of pain than that. Anyway, after... IT... had happened, six weeks before, she'd gone straight on the Pill (_just in case it happened again, you know, not that it would, right? Right?_) and she still had a week's worth of pills left in the packet.

She sighed. _As if I didn't have enough to deal with without getting an upset stomach as well._

She heard Elliot mutter her name in his sleep and she pulled his hand closer up towards her face, stroking it thoughtfully with her thumb. It was almost two weeks since they'd, um, well, you know, and (_Thank God_) he hadn't mentioned it once. When he'd first brought her home after the scene at the precinct, he'd laid her down on his bed and she'd curled tightly into a ball, convinced that he was going to try something again or at least suggest it, but... he hadn't. He'd just tucked the covers in around her, stroking her hair as he told her awkwardly that he loved her, and then he'd sat in the chair beside the bed, reading case files (_her case files?_) and occasionally glancing up at her as she pretended to sleep.

Later that night, when he'd finally climbed into bed beside her, it had actually been her that made the first move, instinctively snuggling back into him and letting him wrap his arms tightly around her and clasp her hand in his. She was afraid for a minute that she was leading him on, that he would take it as an excuse to push for something more, but he hadn't, and she was glad_. _

_It was as if he'd passed a test she hadn't even known she was setting him until after she'd done it. _

She smiled and kissed his hand. She liked having him there, liked knowing that he was there to protect her, knowing that whenever she felt unsettled she just had to pull his arm more tightly around herself, and she'd feel him kiss the back of her neck and wrap himself protectively around her, muttering soothingly.

She felt another twinge and winced, her hand momentarily tightening around his before she could stop herself. _Shit._

'Hmm?' Elliot was immediately awake, propping himself up on his elbow and leaning over her as he rubbed his eyes. 'Liv?' He brushed her hair back off the side of her face, quickly stifling a yawn. 'Are you OK?'

_Yes, I'm fine, go back to sleep._ 'I-' She winced again. 'Elliot, I don't really feel well.'

_That's not like her._ He frowned and sat up, brushing her hair back off her face as she rolled onto her back and looked up at him. 'What's wrong, Liv?'

'My stomach hurts.' Olivia mentally kicked herself as she realised how stupid she sounded. _Did you seriously just wake him up because you had a stomachache? What are you, five? _She felt a sudden rush of embarrassment. 'It's not that bad though, really, I'm fine-'

_Oh, Liv..._ He smiled sympathetically and squeezed her hand. 'Do you want me to go and get you some water?' _Although I'm thinking that a super-size Big Mac and fries meal with an extra-large milkshake might be more helpful right now._ 'Or maybe some Tylenol?'

She bit her lip and nodded, and he smiled at her again, swinging his legs out of bed. 'OK, Liv.' He stroked her hand. 'I'll be right back.'

She heard his footsteps disappear down the hallway and rolled back onto her side, pulling the bedcovers up to her chin. She didn't like being alone. The few hours she spent each night curled up with Elliot in his bed were perhaps the only times she really felt safe.

_But of course you had to find a way to ruin that too, didn't you?_

She hadn't meant to. She'd love to spend the entire night there with him, feeling him holding her while she slept, but she just couldn't. _Not now that she knew what she was capable of doing to him. _

Almost every night she ended up having to force herself to crawl out of bed in the early hours of the morning and to curl up alone on the couch, her knees drawn up to her chest and her eyes wide open, because it was the only way to make sure that she wouldn't hurt him. _Not that she'd ever mean to, but..._

But she was afraid of what she might do to him if he accidentally startled her during the night.

There was an awful time a few nights before, when she had selfishly decided to stay in his bed, convincing herself that she'd be fine... and then just as she had woken up after yet another nightmare, filled with panic, Elliot had moved in his sleep and his hand had landed on her hip-

(_and then she was leaning over the side of the bed, feeling under the mattress for the knife she had hidden there, pulling it out and and oh God and_)

She shivered._ If he hadn't sleepily muttered her name as she leaned over him and somehow woken her out of it, she had no doubt as to what she would have done to him._

_After everything he's done for me, I would have killed him right there without even blinking._

After that, every time she'd woken up in the middle of the night, however little she'd wanted to, she'd moved to the couch. She hated sleeping alone, but...

But however terrifying it was, it was better than putting him at risk every night for something that wasn't even his fault.

_She'd had this awful nightmare two nights ago where she'd woken up and the whole room had been drenched in blood, and she was smeared in it up to her elbows, and he'd just been lying there, and no matter how much she shook him and shouted his name and that she was sorry he... _

That had become another constant feature in her nightmares, the idea of waking up in the morning or coming out of one of her odd 'episodes' to find him dead, to find that she'd stabbed him or shot him or done God knows what else to him for no reason other than he had wanted to help her.

_Oh shit._ She was crying again. She pressed her face into the bedcovers and held her breath, trying to get a grip on herself before Elliot came back. _I can't believe I nearly did that to him... after everything he's ever done for me, after everything he's put up with, I would have killed him without hesitating, without a second thought, just because I couldn't control myself_.

She could hear his footsteps in the hallway._ Shit._ She quickly wiped her eyes, forcing herself to take some deep, calming breaths. _OK, control yourself. Don't start sobbing again. He thinks that you're past that. Don't upset him. This isn't his fault. _

'Liv?' She pulled down the bedcovers and saw him smiling reassuringly as he sat down beside her, holding a bottle of Tylenol and a glass of water. 'Are you OK?'

She bit her lip again and nodded, feeling a sudden rush of guilt. _He was so wonderful to her, the way he held her and talked to her, and the way he kept telling her that he loved her, even if she knew that he didn't mean it and that he was just saying it to make her feel better, it helped, it helped so much, and she'd still nearly... _Before she could think about it she was sitting up, grabbing the back of his neck and pulling him in to kiss her, pressing her lips firmly against his and reluctantly opening her mouth a little, surprised that it wasn't actually as hideous as she'd thought it was going to be-

_He's getting off on this._

She felt herself tense. _No, shut up._

He'd put down the Tylenol and the water and now he was kissing her back, his hands stroking the sides of her face, and she could feel him smiling as he kissed her, and-

_He's getting off on thinking about last time, the way that you screamed in pain..._

She tried to push the voice away. _No, he's not, he's not, he loves me, he says he does, why would he say that? _She felt him take her hand in his and she smiled, feeling a rush of warmth towards him as he began to stroke her palm with his thumb. _See, he loves me..._

_He didn't love you before, though, did he? It was only AFTER, only AFTER what happened that he decided that he loved you... _

Olivia felt her stomach turn over, the brief glow of warmth quickly smothered beneath the sick feeling now settling in her gut. _No no no... _She focused on keeping her lips moving, trying to ignore the nauseating, wet feeling of his mouth on hers, fighting the urge to gag and push him away. _No, that wasn't possible..._

_He doesn't love you, he loves what happened to you._

Olivia felt a wave of revulsion. _No, he loves me. He loves ME._

He'd suddenly stopped kissing her and he was pulling away. 'Liv-'

'What?' _Oh God he can read my thoughts he knows he knows that I know-_

'Liv, you're bleeding.' He was pointing behind her, his face full of concern.

'What?' She turned around and saw several small spots of brownish-red blood on the sheet. _Shit. I was so sure that'd stopped by now. _

'Liv-'

His eyes were still moving between her face and the spots of blood on the sheet, and she felt a sudden burning surge of rage and shame. 'Well, maybe you shouldn't have been so damn rough with me! Did you think of that? Or were you too busy thinking about what He did to me the whole time you were fucking me?'

Elliot's jaw dropped. 'Liv, I barely touched you!'

'But you would have done!'

'I... what?'

_Don't you dare try and play dumb with me, asshole._ 'You would have done, you would have touched me, you would have stuck your hand down my pants and-' Her voice caught in her throat as she suppressed the urge to gag. 'And... and groped my tits, and-' A look of disgust crossed her face. 'And TORN me...'

_Oh God, I didn't, did I? _'But Olivia, you kissed me!' _And I wouldn't do that to you again, I swear, not after last time, no matter how much you cried and begged me to. _He sighed to himself. _To be honest, since I started taking those antidepressants just for the side effects, so that I wouldn't trigger you by having any, um, unexpected and completely involuntary physiological issues during the night or first thing in the morning, I probably COULDN'T do that to you even if I wanted to... _'I didn't try to touch you anywhere, I just kissed you, and I did that because you kissed me first!' _I kissed you because I love you, and I thought that you did to. _

'So?' _What the hell is wrong with him? _'That doesn't mean that it's OK to take advantage of me!' _Didn't they ever teach you not to sleep with the victims back when you joined SVU?_

'Take advantage? Olivia...' _What the hell is she talking about now? _He tried again. 'Olivia, I know that I've accidentally triggered you, and I'm sorry, but-'

She yanked her hand abruptly away from his. 'YOU SHOULDN'T HAVE HAD SEX WITH ME, ELLIOT!'

Elliot's stomach lurched. _Oh God, I was afraid she might do this..._ 'Olivia, you asked me to do it. You begged me to do it, remember?' He looked searchingly at her, a note of pleading in his voice. _It wouldn't be the first time a victim had accused a male cop of that, whether they'd actually had sex or not, but... the idea of HER thinking that he could do that was just... _'Please, Liv, tell me that you remember...' _Oh God, please tell me that you remember consenting to it, please, because I didn't do that, I would never, ever do that, and you know that, I know that you do, you know that I would never hurt you... No, she's not thinking logically, Elliot, you know that...  
><em>

She bit her lip and nodded. _Of course I do, but..._ 'But you still shouldn't have done it, Elliot.'

_Thank God. Oh, thank God. _He took a deep breath, trying to think of a way to soothe her a little. 'Olivia, I'm so sorry, I swear, I thought that you liked it-'

**I KNEW THAT YOU WERE GETTING OFF ON IT JUST AS MUCH AS I WAS...**

Olivia froze. 'What...' Her voice caught in her throat. 'What did you just say?' _How could you have thought that I LIKED IT?_

Elliot cursed himself. _Nicely done, you utter, UTTER bastard..._ 'Olivia, I...' He didn't know what to say that wouldn't just make it worse. 'I mean, I thought you wanted me-'

**PLEASE, YOU WANTED ME TO.**

'I didn't I didn't I DIDN'T!' She lashed out and he lurched backwards, clutching the side of his face. 'I didn't want you, I DIDN'T!'

Elliot tried to stop the hurt from showing in his face. _Of course she didn't, you selfish idiot._ 'Olivia, I am so, so sorry-' _The mood swings are normal, you know that, the mood swings are normal, it's not personal..._

'You bastard, you bastard, you utter bastard...' Tears began to stream down her face, and he put his arms around her. 'How could you do this? How could you do this to me?' She shoved him hard with both hands but he was still holding her, rubbing her back soothingly. 'How, Elliot, how?' She began to sob quietly, resting her forehead against his chest, her palms flat against the front of his T-shirt and her fingers snagging against the fabric as her hands began to curl into fists. 'Why, El, why did this happen?' He tried to stroke her hair and she hit him again with the flat of her hand. 'NO!'

'Liv...' He sighed and started to rub her back again. _You can lash out at me all you like but I'm not going anywhere._ He kissed the top of her head and stroked her hair. 'Come on, Liv, sssshhhh, come on...' _Let her get it all out._

She began to pound on his chest with her fists. 'Bastard, bastard, bastard, BASTARD...'

_I know I am._ He bit his lip and hugged her tighter. 'Come on, Liv, ssssshhhh, it's OK, I'm here, it's OK...'

'No, no, it's not!' She shoved him hard again but he just wrapped his arms more tightly around her back. 'It's NOT, El!' Suddenly she broke down into loud sobs and threw her arms around him, burying her face in the side of his neck. 'It's not OK, El, it's not, it's not...' She began to cry harder. 'Elliot, it's not...'

'Ssssshhhh, Liv, I know.' He kissed the top of her head and began to stroke her hair again. 'I know.'

_**A/N: What do you think? A bit of a step back for her after all the trauma of the interview there, but hopefully that's not upset any of you too much. Anyway, as ever, send me a review to let me know, and I'll get to work on Chapter 15! (which is going to have more Kathy in...)**_


	15. Chapter 15

_**A/N: Yes, I finally, FINALLY finished this chapter after quite literally days of cursing at it... and let me say, if I thought I was blocked last time, this time was immeasurably worse. However, I cleared it by writing a quick, intended-to-be-just-practice, completely unrelated chapter of another story (which I actually thought turned out pretty well, so I uploaded it - thank you for reviewing, svucrazyfan, ashleysvureader, lexiaalia93, lou3174, YourTimeIsNow and MariskaHargitaylove, and also thank you to everyone who added me as a favourite author/signed up for author alert after I posted it!) So, yes, writer's block reasonably cleared, I managed to bash this thing out in a few hours, and even though I normally wait until the evening (Ireland time) to upload, I was just so keen to be rid of it that I did it now. I hope you like it anyway, despite its half-assed-ness. The next chapter will be the first part of the Order, when she goes to make her statement to Alex about what happened.**_

_**Just a quick note to all those lovely, LOVELY people who have been sending me hateful messages about how this has been done to death and how talentless and unoriginal I am - one, bite me, and two, I know it's been done. That's why I'm doing it. I mix stories with my own more original plotlines with stories with fairly common ones, and I do it because a lot of the time I feel that I can bring something original to them. This story is a perfect example of that - yes, the idea has been done, but to be honest I've read a lot of them and few actually go into much depth. I understand that most people will not have to go through this in their lifetime, and I am unbelievably glad for them, but I have, and... I wanted to do this storyline in a way that would kind of resonate with other people who have, because I know from my blog work that there are a LOT of them in the SVU fandom. The show itself is actually sometimes guilty of the same thing when it comes to the aftermath of attacks, so I wanted to try and to that a little better as well. If you don't like it, or you're getting impatient for them to just bang again already, then tough. This is going to play out at its own pace, and it's going to do it realistically. There are also going to be a LOT of court chapters later, so it really will have both the Law and the Order in it... which I've not really done before! (except Aftermath, and that was to be honest largely Order.)**_

_**OK, rant over.**_

_**inspirationimagination, you have no idea how awesome it is for me that you love my story so much! I'm so glad you liked the return of the flashbacks, her vague paranoia, her thoughts, her beginning to vocalise her emotions and her need for comfort - so THANK YOU. You made my day, as you always do. You're awesome. **_

_**Kristy6, I'm glad you like Munch, because he's one of my favourite people on the show and I always try to convey his sardonic awesomeness as best I can =) I'm also glad you find her ups and downs more realistic too, because I was afraid that a lot of people would be disappointed by that. Also, I thought about Elliot's reaction at the station a lot and I ended up thinking that maybe subconsciously he had decided that it was time for them to know, given that once the full-on investigation and evidence-gathering began it would become impossible to hide it anymore... but it had gotten to the stage where it had been too long for him to just come out and say it, so he found his own way to do it. **_

_**courtneylovejason, I'm sorry about the delay and continuing writer's block, but there's a lot more honesty in this chapter for you! **_

_**ElandLiv12123, I'm pleased you also like the level of emotion in what I write - I work hard on it.**_

_**Monkeywand, I like that you too like Munch. He is awesome =) Also, I'm glad you like the dialogue and the internal thoughts and how they work together. That's one of my 'things' that I pretty much always do, as many of you might have noticed... It helps in my whole desire to really get a feel of the characters, if that makes any sense... **_

_**thisisunrest - I'm happy you like the story, and hopefully you'll like this chapter too!**_

_** Anyway, TRULY MARATHON note over, here's the chapter, give it a read and let me know what you think! (please?)**___

'So how are you feeling?' Kathy handed Olivia another glass of wine. 'Any better?'

'Yes, I'm-' Olivia hesitated. 'No, not really, I...' She bit her lip. 'I don't know, I feel... different.'

Kathy raised an eyebrow at her. 'Different?'

'Yes... in a way I feel better, safer, I mean, now that I have El (_well, now that I trust El_) and... and now that I know for sure that He's in Rikers and not out, but...'

Kathy looked up in surprise. 'They caught him? Already?'

'Yeah, the DNA from the... the...' She tipped her head back and drained her glass. 'The DNA from my exam came back, and it pulled up a hit.'

'That's great, Olivia!' Kathy broke into a wide smile, and then she saw the look on Olivia's face. 'Isn't it?

_I wish._ 'Yeah, it is, but... in another way I feel worse, because I thought that once I'd talked to Him, once I had seen him again, I would feel better, that I would feel less... less powerless, less useless, but I don't.'

'What?' Kathy's eyebrows shot up. 'You actually saw him again? Where? Did you go up to Rikers?'

_Ha. Like I'd have the guts to do that._ 'No, he was at the precinct.' Olivia bit her lip and stared longingly at her empty wine glass. 'El submitted my kit as a Jane Doe with the note that it was his case and his case only, so when the results came back, they went straight to him, and... and so it was my squad that dealt with it.'

Kathy looked surprised. 'And you were OK with that?'

'Of cour-' Olivia stopped. _I hadn't really thought about it._ 'Actually, I... I don't know.'

'Well, did El ask you before he did it?'

_Should he have done?_ 'I don't remember, I was just so tired, I remember the nurse giving me the emergency contraception, I remember the drugs to try and prevent STIs, and in the middle of all that I guess he might have done, but...'

'Don't worry, it's not important.' Kathy leaned forwards and picked up her wine glass. 'I just think that, if it ever happened to me, I'd be afraid that it might make everything a little too uncomfortable if I knew the detectives working my case.'

'Well... yes, but... even though I know them all so well, and even though that could make things a bit awkward, I know that my unit aren't just good, they're the best.' Olivia forced a smile. 'And if anyone's going to nail his ass to the wall, it'll be them.'

'That's the spirit.' Kathy took a sip of her wine. 'So, walk me through it. The results came back, and El decided to take you to the precinct with him to... what? To try and spook the guy?'

Olivia chewed on her lower lip and shook her head._ If anyone got spooked, it was me._ 'No, I overheard a voicemail message from Fin about it while El was out of the room. The phone's right next to the bed.' _No. Shit. Shit._ 'He's been sleeping on the floor, you see-'

Kathy leaned forward and refilled Olivia's glass. 'So, you made him take you down there?'

_Wouldn't you?_ Olivia shrugged. 'Of course I did.'

Kathy laughed. 'You really have him wrapped around your little finger, don't you?'

Olivia smiled. 'Munch says I have him whipped.'

'Well, I think he's right.' Kathy grinned and took another sip of her wine. 'OK, what happened after that?'

'Fin told me His name.' Olivia suddenly felt like she was about to throw up. 'And... and...' She emptied her wine glass in a single gulp and took a deep breath, trying to calm herself. 'And it made it worse, it made it so much worse, oh God...'

'Why? Was it someone you knew?' Kathy had already refilled Olivia's glass and now she was leaning forwards, her face full of concern.

'No, but...' Olivia didn't know how to explain it. 'It made Him real, it made Him a man, not a vague presence, and that was worse, because if he was just a man then he could be anyone, and anyone could do this, I mean, if it hadn't happened and I passed him in the street I might even have found him attractive-' Olivia gagged and put her head between her knees, accidentally spilling her wine all over the carpet. _Oh shit._ She quickly sat up and wiped her mouth. 'Holy shit, I've just ruined El's carpet...'

Kathy rolled her eyes and grabbed the wine bottle off the table. 'Fuck him.'

_I did._ Olivia squirmed uncomfortably, staring at the spreading wine stain on the floor. _Did I forget to mention that?_

Kathy picked up Olivia's glass and refilled it again. 'So, you found out his name. What happened next?'

'I... I went to the interview rooms, and I saw Him, and... and he looked so normal, and then he LOOKED at me, and...' A look of disgust crossed Olivia's face. 'And the bastard WINKED at me and said... he said...' She felt a wave of dizziness wash over her. 'And he said 'Hey, Liv.''

'And you still talked to the guy, even after all that?' Kathy looked like she wasn't sure whether she should be impressed or disapproving.

'Yeah, I... I...' Olivia took a gulp of her wine. 'I made them let me go in there, because I...' She paused, staring down at her knees. 'Actually, I don't know what I thought I was going to do. Yell at him, hit him, goad him? I just... I just wanted to punish him for what he did to me.' _And instead I set myself up for round two._

Kathy was nodding sympathetically. 'Don't worry, Olivia, I understand.' She took Olivia's hand in hers and squeezed it. 'How did you feel afterwards?'

'I...' Olivia sighed and stared down at her knees, fidgeting with the hem of her sweatshirt. 'Numb. Sick. All I wanted was to see Him again so that I could make him pay, make him understand what he'd done, but when it came down to it, it was as if he was pinning me down all over again, and he didn't even have to touch me, Kathy...' Olivia felt a wave of nausea, downed the rest of her wine in a single gulp and grabbed for the wine bottle, filling her glass to the brim. 'He didn't even have to touch me to control me...' _And now he knows that he's won..._

'Olivia, that's normal...' Kathy smiled reassuringly at her. 'I'm amazed you even had the courage to face him in person at all...'

_Really?_ 'You... you are?'

'Yes.' Kathy smiled and squeezed her hand again. 'I know I couldn't have done it.'

Olivia blinked. _Does she really think that?_ 'Yes, Kathy, you could. Of course you could.'

'If you say so.' Kathy shrugged and took a sip of her wine. 'But Olivia, look at it this way. You got it out of the way. You've faced him. Olivia...' She leaned forwards and smiled at her. 'Olivia, you've won.'

Olivia shook her head abruptly. 'No. No, I haven't.' _He did._ She started picking at her fingernails. 'And it wasn't enough, I... I have to do it again, I have to do it all again, Alex says...' She paused and drained her glass in a single gulp. 'Alex says I have to come in and give an official statement, and I don't want to, Kathy, I don't...' She suddenly burst into tears. 'Please, Kathy, I don't want to, it's been over six weeks since they arrested Him and I keep telling her to go away, but she still won't give up, she still keeps trying to make me, she doesn't understand...'

'I think she probably does, Olivia.' Kathy smiled softly.

'Then why does she keep trying to make me do stuff I don't want to? She keeps trying to make me come to her office just so... just so...' Olivia's voice cracked and she trailed off, her whole body shaking. 'Just so that she can make me relive it, over and over and over...'

Kathy gave her a sympathetic look. 'But why do you think she's doing that, Olivia?'

Olivia sniffed and wiped her eyes. 'I don't know...'

'You do. Do you think she's doing it for fun, or because she wants to?'

'Well, no, but...'

'I doubt she wants to have to go through the whole thing any more than you do, Olivia, but she knows that she has to, and no matter how awful it's going to be, it'll be worth it when they put him away for good, right?' Kathy smiled reassuringly. 'Right?'

'Right.' Olivia stared at her feet. _God, Olivia, you're such a coward._ She felt a tinge of shame and quickly pushed the voice away, reaching for the wine bottle. _Oh shit._ It was empty.

'Wow, it's amazing how this always seems to happen, huh?' Kathy laughed and reached into her bag. 'Don't worry, I brought more.' She pulled out two more bottles and uncorked the first one, refilling both their glasses. 'You know how it is, you just get talking and then before you know it, you're both a couple of lushes, drinking the night away...' She laughed again.

_Now's your opening. _Olivia forced a laugh, silently cringing at the thought of what was coming next. 'Yeah... um... Kathy, there's...' _Say it._ She swallowed awkwardly. _SAY IT._ 'Kathy, there's something else.'

Kathy took another sip of her wine. 'Tell me.'

'I...' Olivia took a huge gulp of her wine and then grabbed the bottle, pouring wine into her glass until it overflowed. 'I wanted to... I wanted to...' She took a deep breath. 'There was a thing.' _Nicely put, idiot._

Kathy smiled patiently and put down her wine glass. 'OK, Olivia, tell me what happened.'

_I fucked your ex._ 'Well, I... I thought that if I, you know, had sex again... it might make it easier... you know, just to get it out of the way, make the whole idea of sex less of a big deal...'

If Kathy was surprised, she hid it very well. 'OK. And did you?'

'Yes, I...' _I fucked your ex._ 'I... went out to a bar, and I picked up a guy, just a... just a random guy, you know, no one special, and...'

'And he knows all about what happened?'

'Yes, of course he-' _Shit. No. Fake bar guy, fake bar guy..._ Olivia mentally kicked herself. 'Yes... I, uh, told him, you know, right after I brought him home and, uh, told him I wanted to, uh, do him.' _Wow, Olivia, stay classy..._

Kathy raised an eyebrow at her, an amused look on her face. 'And what did our favourite anonymous barfly say when you told him that you wanted to 'do' him?'

Olivia started chewing on her thumbnail. 'He didn't want to do it, he told me that he didn't think it was a good idea, that he thought it was too soon for me to think about doing that again.' Olivia rolled her eyes. 'I was just sitting there, practically begging him to fuck me, and he wouldn't!'

'Well, he's a good guy.' Kathy leaned forward and picked up her wine glass. 'What happened next?'

_I fucked your ex._ 'Well, I kept asking him to do it, and eventually he gave in and said we could give it a try.'

Kathy smiled fondly. 'I'm not surprised.' She took a sip of her wine and paused thoughtfully. 'So, tell me what happened. Was it just a quick thing? In, out, in, out, and goodnight?'

'No.' Olivia shook her head, feeling a sudden, unexpected glow of fondness towards Elliot. _He would never do that to me._ 'No, he tried to make me enjoy it, he... he touched me, stroked me, but I still couldn't come, and then... and then...' _And then I fucked your ex._ 'And then he just carried on anyway until he finally came, and...' Olivia grimaced. 'And despite everything, it... it made me... it made me feel really...' She sighed and bit her lip. 'Used.'

Kathy frowned. 'Did you ever tell him to stop?'

'No, he wanted to but I told him to keep going.'

'OK.' Kathy paused and then raised an eyebrow at Olivia, smiling conspiratorially. 'So, how was it, the actual sex part, orgasms aside? Was it good? OK? Laughably awful?'

'It... it hurt.' Olivia felt tears in her eyes and angrily wiped them away. 'It hurt so, so much, and... and...' _Say it say it say it..._ She took a deep breath and went for it. 'Kathy, what if he was getting off on how much he was hurting me?'

Kathy sighed. 'I don't think that's true, Olivia, do you?'

'I...' Olivia paused. 'No, no, I don't, he was so kind and gentle with me, he kept asking me if I was OK, but... but...' She began to cry again. 'But Kathy, it was meant to make me better, it was meant to make me better and it didn't, I just feel worse, I can just feel him moving inside me and I feel so dirty for it, I was just lying there and... it was as if... I feel a bit like he was just masturbating using me...'

'Olivia, he wouldn't do that.' Kathy's voice was kind but firm. 'You know he wouldn't do that, especially not to you.'

'I know, but... I feel...' _Say it._ 'I feel like I've been violated all over again.'

Kathy sighed again and patted Olivia's knee sympathetically. 'I understand, I really do, but... Olivia, you haven't. Rape is an act of violence. Did it feel violent? Did it feel like he was trying to hurt you?'

'I...' _No. Never._ 'No, he... he stroked my face, and... and he looked into my eyes, and...' Olivia smiled a little. 'And he held my hand.' _And then after he finished he blurted out that he loved me..._

'So this was someone who cared about you. It wasn't rape, it wasn't a quick mindless fuck, it was... well, I wouldn't say it was making love, unless of course you were in love with him, and God knows that's entirely your business, but it was definitely more like that than anything else, don't you think?'

_Yes._ Olivia smiled. 'How are you so good at this, Kathy?'

Kathy rolled her eyes and took another sip of wine. 'Years of experience. Three teenage daughters, endless nights of sobbing over boy troubles... although, thank God, nothing like this.' She laughed. 'Believe me, you learn more trying to comfort heartbroken adolescents every other day than you ever would in a lifetime of special training.'

_I... I wish my mother... _ Olivia felt tears well up in her eyes again. _Shit._ 'I wouldn't know.' She quickly wiped her eyes, biting down hard on her lip. _Don't go there._

Kathy leaned forward to refill her glass, pretending not to notice. 'Olivia, he was just trying to help you. Can't you see that? Everyone is only trying to help you, and while it might not work sometimes... they're trying.' Kathy smiled and squeezed Olivia's hand reassuringly. 'Really.'

Olivia sighed. 'I know.'

'I know you do.' Kathy patted the back of Olivia's hand. 'And that's why you're going to call Alex tomorrow and arrange to go in and make that statement.'

_Wait a minute-_ 'No, I-'

'Yes, you are.' Kathy gave her a stern look. 'And then afterwards we'll see about doing something about that hair.' She glanced at Olivia's ragged, uneven haircut and grimaced. 'You look like a fucking scarecrow.'

Olivia burst out laughing. 'Thanks, I-' She suddenly heard the sound of Elliot's key in the door. _Fuck._ She quickly moved her foot to cover the wine stain on the carpet. _Smooth, Olivia, smooth._

'Liv?' Elliot closed the door behind him, turned around and stopped. _Why is my ex-wife here?_

_Oh God he's so wonderful why is he so wonderful to me when I keep being so hateful to him-_ Olivia bit her lip, got up and ran to him, throwing both her arms around him and pressing her face into the side of his neck. 'El, I'm so, so sorry...'

Elliot sighed and put his arms around her. 'Ssshhh, Liv, it's OK...' He began to stroke her hair soothingly, sneaking a suspicious glance over her shoulder. _Why is my ex-wife here?_

Kathy smiled and waved. 'Hi, El.'

_Why is my ex-wife here?_ 'Uh, hi...' He swallowed nervously. 'What are you doing here, Kath?'

Kathy nodded at Olivia. 'Me and Liv have been having a bit of a girly night.'

Elliot's eyes widened. _Dear God._ 'Oh... uh... did you have fun?' _Why, why, what did I do to deserve this..._

Olivia finally pulled away from him and nodded. 'Yes, El, we did.' She smiled weakly, her fingers curling around the lapels of his suit jacket as she looked up at him. 'We talked a lot of stuff out.'

_Oh._ Elliot took her hand and squeezed it, looking at her carefully. 'And do you feel better now?'

'Yes.' Olivia bit her lip thoughtfully and smiled, stroking his hand with her thumb. 'Yes, El, I do.'

'Good.' He smiled, put his arms around her again and kissed the top of her head, shooting Kathy a grateful look. 'I'm glad.'

_**A/N: So... what did you think?**_


	16. Chapter 16

_**A/N: Finally, an update! I know, I know, it's been ages, but this chapter was such a cow to write. Getting chapters of this story finished has been like pulling teeth lately. Anyway, here it is at last, and please send me a review to let me know what you think!**_

_**Thank you all for all the reviews you've sent so far - especially Hailey, who reviewed every single chapter one after the other and completely made my week!**_

_ **twilightgleek97, it's nice to meet you! I don't think you've reviewed me before (please correct me if I'm wrong) so I'm really glad to hear you like my writing!**_

_**inspirationimagination, I cannot say this enough. You are one of my favourite reviewers. Seriously, thanks. I'm glad you think the thoughts flow well with the spoken conversation, and that parts of it made you laugh despite the dark subject matter... that's always something I aim for, I think it's important to try and find the humour in everything no matter how awful.**_

_**PushTheButton, I'm glad you liked it. As far as Kathy goes... you don't really see her and Olivia together much in the show, but when I thought about it I realised Olivia would probably latch on to any maternal figure at a time like this, and Kathy is definitely that. Plus, she has a similar experience, and she would probably have gone through years of therapy herself when she was younger, so she knows all the right things to ask. I actually mention it a little bit in this chapter - Kathy's familiar enough that Olivia feels she can trust her, but distant enough that she'd feel comfortable that she could keep her at arm's length whenever she needed to. Olivia's also more than a little short on female friends, and I honestly could not see her opening up to Alex about something like this - I think she'd want to keep it as distant from work as she could, because she does tend to compartmentalise more than most. Also, Kathy's reached out to her, and sometimes just that is enough to prompt a close bond for someone who's feeling vulnerable and threatened (I remember the woman in Wholefoods who first came over to see what was wrong having to stay with me for most of the day because I wouldn't let her leave until SVS were all done, and then she ended up meeting up with me several times over the next couple weeks just to talk - and this was someone I had never met before that moment, and I really don't form relationships easily.)**_

_**lou3174, I'm pleased you liked it =)**_

_**courtneylovejason, that is AWESOME! I can't believe this is your favourite SVU story =) I actually jumped up and down a little bit (partly because I'd convinced myself that everyone hated it...) so THANK YOU. I really like the relationship developing between Olivia and Kathy here as well, and I did get a little bit of a kick out of how Kathy so clearly knew exactly what had gone on between Olivia and her ex... and that she seemed a tiny bit entertained by how much Olivia was clearly squirming over it... Anyway, I'm sorry for keeping you so long waiting on an update... this writer's block has GOT to just go fuck itself and leave me alone...**_

_**gemfinder360, yeah... sadly this chapter was just as much of an ass as all the others... and how did the interstate move go?**_

_**RhondaRoo. thank you =) It's great to know that you think I did a good job on this one, especially with such intense subject matter.**_

_**Monkeywand, that's not a horrible thing at all... at least I hope it's not because I had a little bit of a giggle over it too! Then again, I do have a very dark sense of humour... Also, thanks for the vote of confidence. I really needed it =)**_

_**So, my usual epic note over, here's the new chapter... hopefully you all like it, and please send me a review to let me know! **_

_I don't want to do this._

_I don't want to do this._

_I don't want to do this._

Olivia crossed her arms on the tabletop and buried her face in them, biting her lip. _Why are they making me do this, why..._ She squeezed her eyes shut, forcing herself to take some deep breaths. _Calm down, Olivia, deep breaths, it's OK, it'll be fine, you've had two weeks to prepare, you can do this, you know you can do this..._

'Room for one more?'

_Shit._ Olivia quickly swiped the tears out of her eyes and looked up at Elliot, feeling a rush of embarrassment. _How long has he been standing there? _She managed to force an uncomfortable smile. _No, go away._ 'If you want.'

'I do want.' He sat down beside her, watching her fidgeting nervously with the stem of her wine glass. 'Wine any good?'

'Meh.' Olivia shrugged and took another sip. 'It's all right, I guess. Figured that since Kathy had brought it all the way over here it'd be kind of a shame to waste it.' She smiled ruefully. 'Anything to take the edge off, right?' _Oh God..._ She started chewing on her lip, feeling another wave of nausea wash over her as she remembered what she was going to have to do in less than seven hours. _Oh God, I don't want to do this..._

'Right.' Elliot smiled at her, desperately trying to decide what to say next. _Just try and sound supportive. _ 'Uh-' _But don't sound like you pity her! _ He cleared his throat uncomfortably. 'Big day tomorrow, huh?' _What the fuck was that, Elliot? She's going to the DA's office, not Six fucking Flags!_ He silently cursed himself. 'Uh, I mean-'

'I know.' Olivia grimaced. 'I can't believe Kathy managed to talk me into doing this...' _Damn her._

Elliot grinned. 'Well, I still haven't figured out how you've ended up being best girlfriends with my ex-wife...' _Or what awful sin I must have committed to bring that upon myself... _He sighed. Despite himself, he had constant nightmarish visions of the two of them sitting there and cackling over his sexual technique.

'She's sweet. I like her.' Olivia paused thoughtfully. 'And... well, it's just nice to have someone to talk to who's been through the same thing and who understands, I mean, before... before this happened, I hadn't really seen her as a person, you know, she was just your wife, and then she was your ex-wife, so we never really talked much, but now that we have, it's, well... it's like, she's... familiar, but she's not too close, so...' She looked at him. 'Do you know what I mean?' _Or do I just sound like a rambling fool?_

Elliot smiled at her. 'Yes, Liv, I do.' _You've never liked letting anyone too close, so when you need someone to talk to, she's a good compromise._ He sighed, reached out and put his hand on hers. 'You do know you can still talk to me, don't you, Liv?'

Olivia rolled her eyes. 'Of course I do, what kind of stupid question is that?' _We're talking now, aren't we?_

He raised his eyebrows at her. 'Well, you've barely said a word to me about giving your statement tomorrow.'

Olivia bristled. _That's because it's none of your goddamn business._ 'Well, why the hell should I?'

_Because you're clearly terrified and I want to help._ Elliot squeezed her hand. 'You don't need to be nervous about it, Liv.'

Olivia fought back the urge to roll her eyes. _Why won't he just fuck off?_ 'I'm not nervous, why would you think I was nervous?' _Is it because you think I'm weak? Because I'm not, I'm just... I'm just..._ She suddenly felt like she was about to cry. _I'm just stupid..._

Elliot smiled gently at her and stroked her hand. 'Because honestly, Liv, if it were me, I'd be scared out of my mind.'

_Oh._ Olivia bit her lip. 'Well, I'm not.' _So there._

_She has to know that I can tell that she's lying._ He put his hand on her shoulder, looking carefully at her face. 'Are you sure?' _Just talk to me, Liv, please, I want to help..._

Olivia felt a burst of frustration. _He just doesn't get it!_ 'No, I'm... I'm not nervous, really El, I'm not, I'm just... I feel...' She hesitated. _How the hell do I describe this?_ 'I feel... embarrassed?' _Embarrassed? Is that the right word?_ She shook her head. _God, I don't even know anymore..._

Elliot sighed. 'Why do you feel embarrassed, Liv?'

_Why in fuck's name do you think?_ 'Because I know that when I get there they'll all be judging me, laughing at me, thinking how stupid I was.' Olivia rolled her eyes and drained the glass, impatiently blinking back tears. _For fuck's sake, Olivia, control yourself._ 'And they'd be right to.'

'Oh, Liv...' Elliot put his arm around her and kissed her forehead. 'Why would they be right to?'

She snorted. 'Well, Elliot, why don't we just think about it for a minute, huh? How stupid does my story sound? 'I met a guy, I thought he was cute, so I took him home with me and we drank together and then we made out on my couch.'' She sniffed and wiped her eyes. 'No one's going to believe that I didn't consent to sex after that. They'll all think that I just woke up the next day with buyer's remorse. Face it, El. If this was anyone else, this case wouldn't be getting anywhere near a court.'

Elliot sighed. _Unfortunately, that was probably true..._ 'Liv, who you are doesn't matter.' He smiled gently at her and stroked her hand with his thumb. 'They're not going to judge you, Liv, because they all know that it isn't your fault that you were raped-'

_FUCK YOU! _Olivia yanked her hand away angrily. 'No, El, I WASN'T!' She slammed her fist down hard on the table and the empty wine glass jumped and fell over. 'I'm NOT a victim, El, I CANNOT be!'

'Olivia, I'm sorry, but...' Elliot hesitated, stroking her shoulder reassuringly. _Come on, you know that she needs to hear this. _ 'Liv... you are. You are a victim, and however awful that must feel, you need to accept that before you can begin to move on from this.'

'Move on?' Olivia laughed bitterly, grabbed the bottle and refilled her wine glass up to the brim. 'El, I can't move on. He's ruined me. We both know that.'

Despite himself, Elliot had to push down a faint twinge of impatience at her. 'No, Olivia, he hasn't, and the only thing that we both know is that you're stronger than that.' _And I for one wish that you would just stop wallowing in self-pity. This isn't the Liv I know._

'Oh yeah?' Olivia snorted derisively. 'Didn't you see how I acted in that interrogation room?'

Elliot sighed. _Yes, and that was why I told you not to go in there in the first place. _ 'Yes, Liv, I did, and I really, really wish that you hadn't had to go through that, but that doesn't change the fact that you have nothing to be ashamed of.' He took her hand again. 'Really.'

'Ha. Yeah.' Olivia rolled her eyes sarcastically and took another swig of wine, her hands trembling slightly. 'Yeah, I'm sure they'll all believe that tomorrow.' _And then maybe afterwards we can all sit down over coffee and discuss the merits of Munch's theories about the Kennedy assassination, and about how we all saw Elvis buying maxi pads at Duane Reade last week..._

Elliot sighed to himself. _Liv, the only person who would ever think something like that is you._ 'Liv. It's Alex. There is no way that she would ever believe that you asked for this to happen to you.'

_Or maybe she just won't say it to my face._ Olivia raised her eyebrows at him. 'And what about the others?'

He smiled reassuringly at her and stroked her hand. 'Forget the others. They're just there to watch. This is between you and Alex, Liv. Just concentrate on telling her what happened, from start to finish, and you'll be just fine.'

'Mmmm...' Olivia bit her lip and laid her head on his shoulder. 'El, I...' _Oh, just admit it, he knows anyway._ 'El.. I'm scared.'

He tightened his arm around her and kissed the top of her head. 'I know, Liv. I know.'

'I'm so happy you're here, El...' Olivia chewed on her lower lip and looked up at him, her eyes wide. 'Please don't leave me...' _Oh God, El, please don't let me drive you away..._

Elliot felt a pang of sadness. _How could she ever think I would do that to her?_ 'I won't, Liv, I won't.' He smiled and began to stroke her hair. 'I'll be there for you tomorrow too, OK? I'll be waiting right outside the whole time, so if you need me you just have to shout, OK, and I'll be right there.' He grinned. 'No matter how many sleazy lawyers I have to mow down on my way in.'

She smiled for a second. 'Thank you, El.'

Elliot smiled and kissed her forehead, 'That's OK, Liv.' He paused for a second. _You might as well just ask her one more time..._ 'Liv, I... I'm sorry to keep going on about this, but... are you really sure that you don't want me to come in with you?'

Olivia nodded. 'Yes, El, I am.' _Please stop asking me that. I feel like such a bitch when I have to say that I don't want you there. _She took his hand in hers and squeezed it. 'I'd... well, I'd rather have someone I didn't know.' She forced a laugh. 'That probably sounds really stupid, doesn't it?'

'No.' Elliot started to stroke her hand with his thumb. 'It doesn't sound stupid at all.'

Olivia snorted. 'Come on, El, the whole thing sounds really stupid.' She laughed bitterly and let go of his hand to pour herself a fresh glass of wine. 'Because, you know, maybe if I'd just slept with him rather than being such a silly little prick-tease he wouldn't have had to do it, right?' She rolled her eyes and took a deep swig of the wine. 'Right?'

'No, Olivia, NO, you do NOT get to do this to yourself!' Elliot grabbed her shoulders, forcing her to look him in the eye. 'Listen to me. There is no justification for what he did. You know that. There is nothing you could possibly have done that would give him the right to do something like this, and from what I've heard, I honestly think that when he went with you to your apartment he already knew exactly what he was going to do to you. Not with you, Liv, to you.' He looked searchingly into her eyes. 'Do you understand me?'

'But El, I... I...' Olivia bit her lip. 'I mean... tomorrow... do I really have to tell them everything? I mean... really everything?' _Even... even That?_

He sighed and put his arm around her shoulders again, starting to stroke her hair. 'Liv, you know that you do.' _We both know what the defence can and will do with something like that if you don't get your side of the story in first. _'If you don't, it'll just make things worse.' _Believe me._

_I know, but-_ Olivia shook her head, her eyes wide and panicked. 'But... but, El... no, I can't, they can't know, I mean, the beatings or the... the penetration (_Oh God oh God no that's disgusting_) or... or anything like that, I could almost bear, but...' She trailed off, chewing on her lower lip. _Just not That._

_Oh, Liv..._ Elliot bit his lip. 'Liv, I know how ashamed you feel because he made you come, but we've been over this. It wasn't pleasure, and you have no reason to be ashamed of what happened.' He tightened his arm around her shoulders and kissed the top of her head. 'OK?'

'No.' Olivia shook her head again and drained her wine glass in a single gulp. 'It was still an orgasm.' _I lost control of myself. I let myself lose control. No one can ever know._

'Yes, Liv, but...' He paused. _Elliot, you have to ask._ 'Liv, what happened that night... it felt different from the way it felt when we were... you know, together... didn't it?'

_Of course it did._ Olivia bit her lip and nodded. 'Yes, El. Yes, it did.' _I liked it when you touched me, I liked feeling you kiss me, I liked it when you held my hand... _She choked back a heave. _Not like with Him, that was... that was awful, it was so awful..._

Elliot breathed a silent sigh of relief. _Thank God._ 'So you can see the difference between an involuntary physiological event, something that was forced out of you, and a consensual, intimate moment, can't you?' He looked closely at her face, trying to read her expression. 'Can't you?'

'Yes, but El...' Olivia bit down even harder on her lip. 'El, you didn't make me come...' _What if I've found what really gets me off and now nothing else will ever be enough?_

Elloiot smiled. 'To be honest, Liv, if I had, I would have been worried.' He stroked her shoulder. 'I love you, Liv, and that's what makes it different, that's what makes what he did to you different, because it's not about something involuntary like an orgasm, it's about choice. I gave you a choice, and he didn't. He did what he did out of violence, because he wanted to hurt you, and I...' He paused. 'And I did what i did out of love and affection.' He smiled sadly at her and stroked the side of her face. 'Can't you see that?'

_How can he still love me after this?_ Olivia's lower lip started to tremble. 'But El... what if they don't believe me?'

Elliot sighed and squeezed her hand. 'Liv... it's Alex, you know thar you can trust her, and as for the Bronx SVU guys we've got in to help... I mean, they've heard everyone's stories, and they've seen the photos of your injuries-'

_WHAT?_ Olivia's eyes widened in shock. 'Oh God, there are PHOTOS?'

Elliot blinked in surprise. 'Well, of course there are photos, there are always photos, don't you remember the nurse taking them at the hospital-'

_NO!_ Olivia shook her head, her face full of panic. _Oh God oh God oh GOD-_ 'What kind of photos?'

'Well, you know... the standard full body ones, some detailed ones of your face, neck, abdomen and so on, and... well...' Elliot paused. _Oh shit._ 'And the ones they took during the rape kit.'

Olivia's jaw dropped . _Oh no no no no no no NO-_ 'How many people have already seen them?' _Oh God, this isn't happening, it can't happening..._

Elliot silently cursed himself. _Oh God, Elliot, you idiot, what have you done now? _ 'Well, you know, the nurse, a few people at the DA's office, Alex, a few other people at the unit-'

_The unit? Oh God... _Olivia took a deep breath, and then she froze, a cold flood of realisation hitting her hard in the chest. _No.., no, wait... no. Oh, NO. _She felt a rush of horror.'Have YOU seen them, El?'

_Oh Jesus._ 'Liv-'

'I SAID, EL, HAVE YOU SEEN THEM?'

Elliot hesitated. _You have to tell her._ He sighed and nodded. 'Yes, Liv, I have.'

Olivia nodded blankly, and then she licked her lips. 'Was it before or after you slept with me?' Her voice was cool and measured.

Elliot bit his lip. _Oh God... _ 'Come on, Liv, I don't really think-'

'ANSWER THE QUESTION, EL, BEFORE OR AFTER?'

He sighed again. 'Before.'

_Oh God..._ Olivia just shook her head, her eyes blank and emotionless. _Oh God, oh God, no... _ 'So... so you'd seen me naked before, before we...' A look of disgust flashed across her face. 'Before I'd wanted you to?' The whole time I was embarrassed to show you my body, and you'd already seen it?

'Yes, Liv, but it wasn't sexual-'

'And you didn't tell me? The whole time I thought it was a trusting, intimate, shared new experience, that neither of us had seen each other like that before so it was... it was... you know, special, or...or...' Olivia managed to suppress a heave. 'But you'd already seen the goods?' She shoved him away from her. 'And clearly you liked what you saw, huh?'

_For Christ's sake..._ 'For one thing, Liv, it wasn't like that, and for another, I honestly thought it would be easier for you if you didn't know.' _Why can't she understand that I just want to help her?_

_Oh, sure. Sure you did._ Olivia cleared her throat and took another gulp of wine. 'So... what are they of?'

_Oh no, please don't be asking what I think you're asking..._ Elliot swallowed awkwardly. 'What do you mean, what are they of?'

_Don't think that you can play dumb with me._ She put the glass down and looked him straight in the eye. 'The rape kit photos, El. We both know they can vary from victim to victim. What's in mine?'

_Oh God..._ 'Liv...' He stroked the side of her face. 'Liv, please, you don't want to do this-'

She swatted his hand away. _Asshole._ 'Don't you dare tell me what I fucking want to do, El, now what the hell are they of?'

Elliot squirmed in his chair. 'There were some of the, uh, the bruises and abrasions on your thighs, and... and the blood...'

She raised her eyebrows at him and crossed her arms impatiently. 'And?'

He bit his lip. 'Liv-'

Her eyes narrowed. 'El, we both know the things don't stop there, now tell me about the damned money shots.'

He sighed. 'Liv, please don't cheapen yourself like that.'

Olivia slammed her fist down on the table, her face contorted with rage. 'TELL ME!'

_Oh, Liv, please don't make me do this to you..._ Elliot shifted uncomfortably. 'Well, uh.. there were some showing the... you know, the tearing, both before and after the nurse sutured it, and... some showing the bruising around your, um...'

'THIS ISN'T FUCKING GRADE SCHOOL, ELLIOT, USE THE DAMN DIRTY WORDS!'

Elliot took a deep breath, steeling himself. 'There were several showing the tearing and trauma around the general vaginal region, some showing the bruising in the inguinal area, and several more detailing the bruising around the clitoris from the excessive force he'd used as he stimulated it with his fingers.' He stared down at his hands, unable to bear the look on her face. 'There were also photographs documenting the tears in the perineum, and the extensive lacerations and bite wounds to both the vaginal area and the inner and outer labia.'

There was a painful silence, and Elliot swallowed uncomfortably and cleared his throat. 'I am so, so sorry that I let someone do that to you, Liv.' He took her hand in his, forcing himself to look at her face again. 'And I'm so sorry I didn't tell you I'd seen the photos, I should have done, I know, but... I really didn't want you to have to hear that, that's all, I swear.'

'Oh God...' Olivia was shaking her head blankly, tears streaming down her face. 'Oh... oh God...' She took another deep gulp from her wine glass. 'Oh, God, El...' She started sobbing. 'Oh, no, El, no...' _How could I let someone do that to me, why, why did I let Him do this, what the hell is wrong with me... _'El...'

Elliot sighed, pulled her into his arms and hugged her tightly, holding her face against his shoulder and stroking her hair. 'Sssshhhh, Liv, sssshhhh, I know, I know...' He slipped one arm away from her for a second, carefully picked up her wine glass and emptied it into the pot of fake flowers on the table. 'I know, Liv, I know, ssssshhhhh, Liv, come on...' He wrapped his arm around her back again and hugged her tightly against his chest, murmuring soothingly into her ear. 'Come on, Liv, sssshhhhh, it's OK, I'm here, I'm here...'

'But El, I don't want them to look at me like that, I don't...' She began to cry harder and then she threw her arms around him, pressing the side of her face against his shoulder. 'El, please, I don't...'

'I know, sssshhhhh, come on, Liv, come on...' He kissed the top of her head and started to stroke her hair again. 'Sssshhhh, come on, Liv, it's OK, it's OK...'

_No, no, no..._ Olivia shook her head, biting down hard on her lip. 'No, it's not, El, it's not OK, it's not!' She clamped her arms more tightly around his back and buried her face in the front of his sweatshirt, sobbing loudly into his chest. 'Elliot, it's not...' _Please make it better, please..._

'I know, Liv, I know.' Elliot sighed and hugged her tighter, rubbing her back reassuringly. 'But it will be, Liv, I promise.' He leaned down and kissed her forehead. 'I promise.'

_**A/N: So... thoughts? Good? Bad? Please send me a review and let me know!**_

_**The next chapter will be the actual statement, so... I should probably get started on that, because I'm fairly sure that it's going to be a tricky one.**_


	17. Chapter 17

_**A/N: So, I just wrote a really long note and then Opera crashed and I lost the whole thing... and I cannot write it out again...**_**_but hopefully being able to read the new chapter that little bit sooner will make it worthwhile? _**

_**This chapter is really the first part of two as I divided the statement into two sections, simply because it was getting so long - I'll try and get the second half done soon - and I hope you like how I've done it. It's mostly set in the single interview room as a conversation between Olivia, Alex and Jon's defence attorney, so it's an interesting set up... and, well, I hope it reads OK.**_

_**So, now that I've weaseled out of devoting another half hour to rewriting the note that got lost when my crappy browser crashed, here's the new chapter of Heritage for you, and I hope you all like it just as much as the last one. Please send me a review to let me know what you think, and in the meantime I'll get started on Part 2!**_

'Statement of Olivia Juliet Benson, date of birth 23rd of the first of 1968, in the case of the People vs. Jonathan Teresa Phillips. Charges are one count rape in the first degree, one count attempted murder in the second degree, one count kidnapping in the second degree, one count assault in the first degree, one count predatory sexual assault, four counts sexual abuse in the first degree, and two counts committing a criminal sexual act in the first degree.' Alex clicked off the tape, leaned forward and put her hand on Olivia's arm. 'Are you ready for this, Olivia?'

Langan rolled his eyes. 'You're not allowed to prompt your witness, Alex, no matter how weak your case.'

Alex gave him a dirty look. 'Shut up.' She smiled reassuringly at Olivia, taking her hand and squeezing it. 'Liv. Are you OK?'

_No._ Olivia bit her lip and nodded. 'Yes.'

'Good.' She leaned back and clicked the tape back on. 'Let's start with how you first encountered the defendant that night. What happened?'

Olivia took a deep breath. 'Myself and my partner had just returned from an unexpected hostage incident, and he was tired so he dropped me off outside the precinct rather than driving me home. I was...' _Depressed. Humiliated._ She swallowed. 'I was... I wasn't feeling well, so I went and sat down on a bench for a few minutes, and... and that's when he first approached me.' She silently cursed herself. _And I didn't even see him coming._

'And what happened then?'

_**'Bad day?'**_

_**She smiled ruefully. 'Believe me, you have no idea.'**_

_**He laughed. 'Me too.' He smiled at her and stuck out his hand. 'I'm Jon.'**_

Olivia started chewing on her lower lip. 'He... he struck up a conversation with me to quickly establish an emotional connection so that I would trust him-'

'Objection, Ms Benson couldn't possibly have known what my client was thinking at the time.' Langan didn't even look up from cleaning his fingernails.

Olivia's eyes narrowed. _Yes, because I was too stupid to see it then, but now I know exactly what he was doing._ 'Well, he acted like he knew me, and then he took advantage of what he found out to make me feel indebted to him, to make me feel like he was an ally rather than a threat.'

'What did he do?'

'He, uh...' Olivia stared at the table, blushing bright red. _Well, you don't have to tell them everything..._ 'He, uh...' _Really? Are you so embarrassed about admitting that your partner had just shot you down that you're willing to perjure yourself?_ She took a deep breath, clenching and unclenching her fists. 'He asked if I had man problems, and when I said yes, he...'

_**He took her hand again. 'Though, if you don't mind me saying so, anyone who couldn't appreciate someone as lovely as you are doesn't deserve you.'**_

'And when I said yes, he engaged in flattery to try and win me over.' She shook her head disgustedly. 'And it worked.'

'OK.' Alex was rapidly scribbling on her legal pad. 'And what happened after that?'

'Uh...' Olivia shifted uncomfortably in her seat. 'We... he wanted to go back to my place.'

Alex glanced up at her. 'Did he force you?'

Olivia cringed as though she'd hit her and Alex bit her lip and turned off the tape. 'I'm sorry, Liv, but you know I have to ask.'

Olivia ignored her. 'Let's just get this over with.'

'OK.' Alex picked up her pen and clicked the tape back on. 'Did he force you to take him back to your apartment?'

_**'It's pretty chilly out here. Are you cold?'**_

_I wish he had._ 'Uh, no, he just...'

_**He grabbed her arm and hailed a cab. 'Come on, we're going back to your place.'**_

She took another deep breath, steeling herself. 'He just acted like he'd already decided what we were going to do and I was too tired to argue, so I went along with it.' She mentally kicked herself. _God, how could you have been so stupid?_

'Uh huh.' Alex noted something down. 'And what happened once you were back at your apartment?'

_**'This is really good whisky, Liv, I'm impressed.'**_

'We, uh, had a few drinks, and... uh...'

_**'Is this the same partner you had the fight with earlier?'**_

_**She bit her lip and nodded, looking down at the floor. 'Yes.'**_

Olivia bit her lip and looked down, picking nervously at her fingernails. 'And we got talking, and... and he acted all kind and sympathetic, so I thought...' She laughed bitterly. 'So I thought that I could trust him.' _Idiot._

'And what did he do then?'

_**He put his drink down, leaned in and kissed her. **_

'He...' She stared down at the table, trying to focus on the lingering burning feeling in her throat from the double Scotch Munch had slipped her before she came in rather than on what she had to say. 'He kissed me.'

'And what did you do when he kissed you?'

_**She hesitated. OK, this isn't so bad, when was the last time you had a date that went this well? **_

'I... I, uh...' She started to shift uncomfortably in her chair again. 'I went along with it.'

'Can you clarify what you mean by that, Ms Benson?' Langan was staring at her, a glint in his eye.

_**She hesitantly began to kiss him back, still keeping her hands down by her sides. **_

'I... I...' Olivia took a deep breath. _Remember what Elliot keeps telling you, it isn't your fault, it isn't your fault... _ 'I kissed him back.'

'You kissed him back?' He raised an eyebrow at her.

Olivia squirmed. 'Yes.' _Why did I have to choose an attacker who went to law school with Langan?_ 'But I didn't really want to, I just-'

'OK.' Alex quickly noted something down. 'Run me through what happened after he kissed you.'

Olivia shifted awkwardly. 'Well, I... he...'

_**'I hope you're not too tired...' **_

Olivia felt a sudden wave of panic. _Oh God oh God oh God..._ 'I...' She bit her lip, suddenly hearing the rest pour out in a jumbled, chaotic rush. 'I asked him to leave and he refused and then he attacked me.' She took a deep breath, trying to calm herself. 'That's what happened.' _Is that enough? Can I go now?_

Langan sighed pointedly. 'I'm afraid I'm going to need a little more detail than that, Ms Benson.'

_Snake._ Olivia gave him a dirty look. 'Why, so you can go home and pleasure yourself over it?' _Asshole._

Langan's jaw dropped and Alex quickly hunched over her notes, faking a coughing fit. Olivia smirked to herself. She had a feeling most of the New York legal world would know about this by the end of the day. _That'll teach you not to bully the DA's office into letting you sit in, you bastard. _

'The details, Ms Benson.' Langan was rubbing the back of his neck uncomfortably and scribbling something on his legal pad. 'What happened next?'

_**He stood up, his eyebrows raised. 'What, just like that?'**_

_Do I have to?_ Olivia swallowed nervously, picking at her fingernails. 'I repeatedly asked him to leave, and he refused.'

Alex had started to write on the pad again. 'Why?'

_**'What do you mean, NO?' He laughed. 'You brought me back here, Liv, you let me up to your apartment, you can't say no now!'**_

_Why the hell do you think?_ Olivia took a deep breath. 'He seemed to believe that I owed him something.'

'And what happened next?'

_**'Oh, I get it, you want to play.' He smiled. 'God, Liv, you are such a tease.' He grabbed the back of her head, twisting her hair painfully around his fingers, and kissed her. **_

'He said I was a tease, and he forced me to kiss him.' Olivia's voice had become very cool and methodical. 'He asked if I wanted to play.'

Langan cleared his throat. 'Play what?'

Olivia gave him a dirty look. 'Monopoly.'

'Ms Benson-' Langan shot her a warning glance.

'Don't give me that look, you ass.' Olivia could see Alex fighting back another fit of laughter, her shoulders shaking as she hunched forwards over her notes again. 'We both know he meant some kinky sex thing.'

'Really?' Langan raised his eyebrows. 'So it WAS just a sex game?'

_Sneaky son of a bitch._ Olivia's eyes narrowed dangerously. 'No.'

'OK.' Alex finally managed to catch her breath long enough to interject, quickly wiping her eyes on the back of her sleeve. 'Olivia, what happened next?'

_**She tried to turn her head away and he pulled hard on her hair, forcing her head backwards and tearing her hair out at the roots. She cried out and he began to kiss her neck before forcing her down to her knees. **_

Olivia bit her lip. _Why does she keep making me talk? Haven't I said enough yet? _'He tore out a huge chunk of my hair, and then...' _Oh God, and then..._ 'And then he forced me onto my knees.'

'And what did he do then?'

_**He still had her hair twisted tightly around his hand, and he wrenched her head back to look up at him as he began to undo his trousers and pushed them down. 'Do you ever look, Olivia?'**_

'He dropped his pants, and then he asked if I had... if I had ever looked.'

'And-' There was a slight tremble in Alex's voice, and she stopped and cleared her throat. 'And what did he do then?'

_**'I bet you never look, Olivia. Look at it!' He forced her head forwards, pressing it into his groin. 'LOOK AT IT!' She clenched her eyes shut and he kicked her. 'OPEN YOUR GODDAMN EYES!' **_

'He forced me to open my eyes and look at his penis, and then he forced me...' Olivia felt tears begin to run down her face. 'And then he forced me to perform oral sex on him.'

'Not to accuse you of anything, Ms Benson, but...' Langan sighed and leaned forwards across the table, and Olivia instinctively shrank back against her chair. 'My client is quite certain that he never orally penetrated you.'

_**'Don't worry, I'm not going to make you suck it. I'll leave that for you to look forward to later.' He paused thoughtfully. 'Maybe on our second date.'**_

'He didn't, but...' _God, you sound stupid. You should never have let Alex charge him with that fourth count of sexual abuse. _ 'But he... he made me kiss it.'

'He made you kiss it.' Langan's voice was full of sarcasm as he sat back in his chair. 'OK, Ms Benson, carry on.'

Alex shot him a look. 'It's OK, Olivia. Take your time.'

_**'Struggle, Liv, and I swear to God I will break your spine right here.'**_

'He told me he would kill me if I tried to struggle.'

_**He pressed his knee painfully into her back, yanking off her belt and tying it tightly around her wrists, binding her hands behind her back. **_

'He pressed his knee into my spine until my legs went numb and he wrapped my belt around my wrists.'

_**Olivia's head hit the floor hard and a stabbing pain shot through her as dozens of razor-sharp lights exploded in front of her eyes. She felt her right wrist break as it twisted beneath her back, the buckle of her belt forced against it by her weight.**_

'He threw me down onto my back on the floor and broke my wrist.'

_**'Now, are you going to behave for me?' He released her shoulders and she immediately tried to wriggle backwards and away from him. 'I'll take that as a no then.' He grabbed both ends of her chiffon scarf, looping it into a noose and pulling it tight around her neck. **_

'He asked me if I was going to behave for him, and when I tried to get away, he tied my scarf around my neck and tightened it until I couldn't breathe.'

_**She choked and began to thrash around, opening her mouth wide and throwing her head back trying to suck in some air, her feet kicking and scrabbling against the floor. **_

'I... I fought and I fought and I fought, but... it wasn't enough, he was too strong for me...'

_**Oh my God, you might actually be about to die, and you're going to have to do it knowing that you've brought this on yourself with your own stupidity... **_

She began to cry harder. 'I thought I was going to die...'

_**She felt her limbs begin to grow heavier and closed her eyes as black spots begin to dance across her vision, refusing to look at him, carefully picturing happy memories instead. She would not let this bastard's face be the last thing she saw before she died.**_

'And...' She took a deep breath, reflexively rubbing her throat. 'And then he choked me until I was unconscious.'

Alex nodded and noted something down. 'And then what happened when you came round?'

_**She felt him slap her hard across the face and she opened her eyes again. He'd loosened the knot, but her throat hurt so much that she could barely breathe. 'Are you going to be good now, or do I have to do that again?'**_

'He slapped me until I woke up, and then he told me that if I fought him, he'd...' She choked back a sob. 'Then he'd do it again...' Her lip trembled and then she broke down again, sobbing so hard that she could barely speak. 'I didn't want him to do it again, Alex, I didn't...'

'I know, Olivia. I know you didn't.' Alex clicked off the tape and leaned forwards, smiling kindly. 'Do you want to take a break, Liv?'

She nodded, glancing frantically at the door. 'I really need the bathroom, can I go to the bathroom?'

'Sure.' She got up. 'I'll come with you-'

'No, no, I'm fine!' Olivia jumped up and almost ran out of the room and towards the bathroom, ignoring the sound of Elliot calling her name behind her. _Oh God this is so awful how could I have been so STUPID- _

She shoved open the bathroom door and ran into the nearest stall, locking the door behind her and pulling her purse roughly into her lap as she sat down on the toilet, burying her head in her hands. _I knew this was a bad idea, I knew I should have just let it go but no, I had to make a complaint, and no, I had to prosecute..._

She swore silently to herself as she rummaged through her bag. _Selfish assholes making me do what I don't want to do- AHA! _ She pulled out one of the whisky miniatures Munch had slipped her earlier along with the Scotch, giving her watch a quick guilty glance. _Well, it's 6pm in Dublin, right?_

She took a deep breath, twisted the cap off and downed it in a single gulp, savouring the burning feeling as it spread down her throat. _Right._ She stood up and unlocked the door to the stall, slipping the empty bottle back into her purse. _Let's do this thing._

She left the bathroom and started back down the hall, and then she stopped. _Shit._ Elliot was standing outside the interview room waiting for her. _Be cool. You know what he's like about projecting._ 'Hey, El...'

He gave her a concerned look. 'You OK, Liv? I shouted your name but you didn't say anything.'

'Oh, I didn't hear you...' Olivia forced a smile. 'I guess I just really had to pee.' She rolled her eyes. 'Too much coffee's a bitch, huh?'

Elliot smiled fondly and stroked her shoulder. 'You got that right.' He took her hand and squeezed it, nodding at the interview room door. 'Everything OK in there?'

_No._ 'Yes, but...' She bit her lip, took a step forward and wrapped her arms around his back, laying her head on his chest. 'I don't want to do this, El, please, please don't make me...' _You promised you wouldn't, you promised..._

He sighed and hugged her tightly, starting to stroke her hair. 'I know you don't, Liv, and I won't make you, but...' He kissed the top of her head and then pulled away a little, smiling as he looked down at her face. 'But you know it's the right thing to do, don't you?'

Olivia glared. _Damn him._ 'I really hate you when you're right, El.'

He laughed, leaned in and kissed her forehead, opening the door of the interview room for her. 'I love you too, Liv.' He stroked the side of her face. 'You can do this, OK?'

'I know.' She smiled back, taking his hand in hers for a second, and then she was back inside the interview room and closing the door behind her, listening to Langan grumble impatiently as she rested her forehead against the door and took a deep, steadying breath. _I can do this. I can do this._ She nodded to herself, gritting her teeth. _I can do this._

Langan rolled his eyes at her as she finally sat down. 'Nice of you to join us again, Ms Benson, I was about to cancel my dinner plans.'

Olivia gave him a look. 'Kiss my ass, Langan.' She turned back to Alex and forced a smile. 'You ready?'

Alex smiled. 'If you are.' She picked up her pad and clicked the tape back on, clearing her throat. 'You had just told us how the defendant had choked you until you lost consciousness.'

'OK.' Olivia nodded and chewed on her lip, suddenly horribly afraid that she was about to start crying again. 'Well, after... after he did that, he... he slapped me until I came round, and then...' She swallowed. 'And then he asked if I was going to be good now.'

Alex smiled reassuringly at her. 'And what did you tell him?'

_**He began to tighten the scarf around her neck again. 'Yes, I have to do it again?'**_

_**'No! No,' she croaked. 'No, I'll be good.'**_

'I... I...' She immediately burst into tears again. _Shit._ 'I told him that yes, I would, but I had to, he would have killed me-'

Langan raised a hand lazily. 'Conjecture, Miss Cabot.'

Alex ignored him. 'It's OK, Olivia, I understand.' She cleared her throat, staring down at her notes, and then Olivia heard her sniff. 'What happened after that?'

_**He pushed her shoulders down again and ripped off her dress, casting it aside. **_

'He... he tore off my clothes, and he...'

_**He began to lick her, biting her, pushing his tongue inside her, and her whole body clenched.**_

'He started to... lick... me...'

'Where, Olivia?' Alex gave her an apologetic look, shrugging helplessly. 'Where did he lick you?'

Olivia took a deep breath. 'My...' _For God's sake, just say it._ 'Between my legs.'

_**'I know you women really like this, huh?'**_

She laughed bitterly. 'He told me that he knew women really liked that.'

'Lucky you, Ms Benson, you scored the only rapist who cares about his victim's pleasure...' Langan grinned. 'That is assuming that he's actually a rapist, of course...'

'NO!' Olivia began to cry harder. 'No, I didn't want him to, I swear, I swear...'

Alex's eyes narrowed. 'Don't make me exclude you, Mr Langan, because I'll do it.' She smiled kindly at Olivia. 'Are you OK to carry on, Liv?'

_I want to go home now._ Olivia hesitated, thinking about Elliot sitting on the other side of the door. _I want to go home with him..._

Alex was leaning in, a concerned look on her face. 'Liv? Are you OK?'

_Let's just do this. _Olivia bit her lip and nodded, concentrating on taking slow, steady breaths. 'Yes. Yes, I'm fine.'

'OK.' Alex shot Langan a warning look. 'What happened after he started to lick you, Olivia?'

Olivia cleared her throat. 'I... I begged him to stop, I really did, I didn't like it, but he wouldn't, he just kept doing it and telling me...' She managed to swallow a heave. 'He kept telling me how good I tasted, and how much he could tell that I was loving it...'

_**He was biting her again, catching folds of skin between his tongue and his teeth, deliberately biting down hard, forcing his tongue deep inside her, and she fought to stop herself from screaming in pain.**_

'He bit me.'

_**She felt him shove his fingers roughly into her. **_

'He penetrated me digitally and orally.'

_**'Do you like this? Do you? Don't lie to me, I can TASTE it! I can taste how much you're loving this!' **_

'He made me tell him over and over how much I loved what he was doing to me.' Olivia paused, and then burst into a fresh wave of sobs. 'And I did, I did...'

_**'Taste it.'' He forced his hand so far back that it made her gag, the sides of her mouth stretching painfully. 'I SAID, CAN YOU TASTE IT?' He yanked his hand back and hit her again. 'TALK TO ME!'**_

_**'Yes.' Her voice trembled. She could taste blood in her mouth from where his fingernails had scraped against the back of her throat. 'Yes, I can.'**_

'Uh...' Olivia cleared her throat again, staring at the door. 'Can I have another bathroom break, please?' She forced a smile. 'Too much coffee.'

_**A/N: What do you think? Please send me a review and let me know!**_

_**(Also, to my favourite reviewer of 'Blame': I doubt you're reading this, since you think I should give up writing**** altogether and took the trouble to tell me so, but if you are - I won't. I'm not going to quit doing something that I enjoy doing and that plenty of others enjoy reading just because one person thinks my ideas are stupid and unrealistic.)** _


	18. Chapter 18

_**A/N: So... I managed to push through the writer's block and somehow finish another chapter of Heritage for you. Like I said, it's part 2 of the last chapter, so it leads straight in, and it's basically a straight continuation of the interview. I hope you all like it, and please send me a review and let me know what you think.**_

_**Hailey, I'm sorry about all the shit that's happening. I wish I could make it better, but in the meantime, consider this chapter for you, and I'll keep trying to finish up the next chapter of Paranoia for you. **_

_**courtneylovejason, I adore you. I know Langan's her real-life husband which I always get a massive kick out of - whenever Peter Hermann's name appears in the credits I do a little cheer. This is a rare honour - off the top of my head, the only other people I can think of who get that are Mike Doyle, Richard Belzer and Diane Neal. (Hargitay and Meloni are, of course, givens.) **_

_**gemfinder360, it is always appropriate to laugh =) And I think it's in the Irish genes to be quick with comebacks - because most of the people I know here are as snarky as they come. (Also, we still have to go whaling sometime.) **_

_**PiperOnlyFanFic, wow - ALL of you were crying? OK, I'm a little proud of that. I shouldn't be, but I am. And I'm glad you're all reading it from the start - I put a lot of time into my story arcs so I like it when people can watch them play out in their entirety. **_

_**inspirationimagination, you are of course forgiven. I wish I could say that work is swamping me right now, but... alas. I am back at college, but as my entire artwork right now involves picking random crap off the street and sealing into little plastic baggies (to quote my tutor 'Jesus, Olivia, your desk looks like a crime lab') I have a lot of time on my hands. So I sit at my desk and write my explicit fanfic and hope to God that I don't have a seizure because then someone might read it and find out what I'm actually doing while I'm looking all studious. Ahem. And I always like to try and get a couple mentions of the Home Place in... (and like I said to courtneylovejason, I get a massive kick out of the Langan thing too.) **_

_**LissaLikesLeopards, thanks. Your praise is much appreciated.**_

_**Anyway... new chapter all done, all ready for you to read, and I hope you all like it as much as the last one and as much as the earlier chapters, and as ever, please send me a review and let me know what you think! **_

'OK, Liv.' Alex smiled at Olivia, her finger poised over the record button. 'Are you ready to keep going?'

_No._ 'Uh, yes... yes, I am.' Olivia swallowed, shifting awkwardly in her seat and wishing that she had never left the bathroom. 'Where was I?'

Langan cleared his throat and picked up his notes. 'I begged him to stop, I really did, I didn't like it, but he wouldn't, he just kept doing it and telling me how good I tasted, and how much he could tell that I was loving it. He bit me, he penetrated me digitally and orally, he made me tell him over and over how much I loved what he was doing to me, and I did, I did.' He sighed pointedly and tossed his legal pad back onto the table. 'Continue, Miss Benson.'

Alex gave him a warning look and clicked on the tape. 'OK, Liv.' She smiled reassuringly. 'Tell me what happened after that. What did he do next?'

_**'You know, I think that you're really going to enjoy this part.' Suddenly he was on her, his weight pressing her down into the floor. **_

Olivia squirmed uncomfortably, feeling her cheeks start to burn with shame. _Hold it together, Benson. _'He smiled at me and smeared my... my blood and, uh, wet... wetness from... you know... THERE... on my face...' _Oh God, this is so humiliating..._

Langan started to scribble something on his pad. 'So he actually got you wet?'

Olivia's jaw dropped. _No, he can't be saying that I..._ 'Well, yes, but it wasn't like that, it wasn't, it's common for women who-'

'I know, Olivia.' Alex shot Langan a dirty look. 'And so do you, Mr Langan. Watch yourself.'

Langan shrugged and leaned back in his chair. 'I'm entitled to protect my client's best interests, Alex.'

Alex ignored him. 'OK, Olivia. What happened next?'

_**She felt his fingers roughly groping around, the spots where he had bitten her still burning with pain. **_

'Then...' Olivia hesitated. 'Then he started to... touch me...'

_**He found what he was looking for and started to rub it between his fingers, pinching it uncomfortably. **_

'And then he... he...' Olivia bit her lip. _Oh God, do I have to say it, do I really have to say it? '_And then he started to forcibly stimulate me.'

Langan raised an eyebrow at her. 'He pleasured you?'

'If you want to call it that.' Olivia laughed bitterly. 'And then he said 'does that feel good?' and when I refused to answer, he beat me.'

_**'I SAID, DOES THAT FEEL GOOD!'**_

_**She nodded, tears streaming down her face.**_

'I... I nodded, but that wasn't enough.'

_**'TALK TO ME!'**_

_**'Yes, yes, it feels good.'**_

'I told him that yes, it did, it did feel good, but he just kept ASKING...'

_**'How good?'**_

_**'Please...' She began to sob.**_

'I begged, and I begged, and I begged, but...'

_**'HOW GOOD?'**_

_**'It's really good.'**_

'And then...' She paused and swallowed.

_**'I knew you liked it really.' He laughed and she felt him force himself inside her. 'Hold your legs together.'**_

'And then, after I told him that it was good, that it was really good, he... he...' Olivia chewed on her lip, staring at the floor. 'He... entered me.' She glanced at the door, already half out of her seat. 'Can I have another bathroom break now?'

'Just hang on one second, Miss Benson...' Langan sighed and leaned forwards, tapping his pen against the table. 'Just out of interest, if you weren't saying no, and kept telling him how much you liked what he was doing, how was my client meant to know that you weren't consenting?'

_Oh God, I knew no one would believe me, I knew they'd all think I was lying, oh God, why did I do this, why... _Olivia felt a sudden rush of desperation. 'I begged him! I just told you, I begged him!' _Why isn't that enough? What else could I have done?_

'You begged him.' Langan was staring at her, pen poised. 'How did you beg him?'

_What?_ Olivia blinked. 'What do you mean, how did I beg him, I just... begged him-'

'No, Miss Benson. Your exact words.' Langan leaned forwards, an unpleasant glint in his eye. 'What were your exact words when you begged him?'

Olivia swallowed, staring at her knees. 'I... I said...' _Oh God, I knew this was all my fault..._ She felt tears begin to stream down her cheeks. 'I said... 'please.''

Langan nodded and scribbled down a note. 'And that's all you said? 'Please'?'

'I-'

'Not 'please, don't do this', not 'please, I don't want to do this'?'

'Well, OK, no, not then, but before-'

'Because I know that even during the most sedate consensual sex there can often be a great deal of...' Langan smirked and raised his eyebrow at her smugly. 'Pleading.'

_Bastard. _Olivia's eyes narrowed. 'Well, then maybe you shouldn't be such a selfish lover.'

Langan blinked in surprise, his mouth opening and closing wordlessly as Alex snorted loudly, quickly clapped her hand over her mouth and faked a coughing fit.

_Oh, did I strike a nerve? _ Olivia smiled to herself for a second, feeling a faint glow of satisfaction as she watched him squirm. _Asshole._

_Focus, Olivia. _

She rolled her eyes._ Duh._ 'Uh, can I have my break now?'

Alex nodded, wiping tears of barely-suppressed laughter out of her eyes. 'Yes, Liv, of course, take as long as you need.'

'Thank you.' Olivia pushed back her chair and left the room, shooting Langan one last glare. _Snake._

'Liv?' Elliot was waiting outside. 'Are you done?'

'No.' She tried to push him out of the way and he took her hand. _For God's sake... _'Look, Elliot, I really need to go and splash some cold water on my face, OK?' _Now leave me the fuck alone._

Elliot squeezed her hand. 'Do you want me to come with you-'

_Damn him. _Olivia swore to herself, yanking her hand away and fighting back a burning surge of impatience. 'For God's sake, El, can't you just stay here and leave me alone for once?'

Elliot blinked in surprise, a look of hurt appearing on his face. 'Liv-'

_Damn him, damn him, damn him!_ 'Look, El, calm down, I'll be back in a second, OK?' Olivia rolled her eyes again and finally shoved past him, clenching her fists as she stormed towards the bathroom. _Interfering nosy projecting bastard-_

She reached the stall and yanked the door closed behind her, slamming the bolt home and sitting down hard on the toilet_. Can't just give me five minutes on my own I have to lock myself in the damn bathroom to get a minute to myself..._ She leaned forwards and started to hunt through her bag again, finally pulling out another small bottle.

_Hmmm._ Olivia scrutinised the name. _Stolichnaya. Sounds Russian. _She paused thoughtfully. _Fuck knows what time it is in Moscow, but it's got to be evening by now. _ She shrugged, unscrewed the top and poured it down her throat, waiting for the brief feeling of warmness to spread through her body.

_There._

_There it is._

Olivia smiled. _That's better._

She started to stand up and then hesitated. _What if that's not enough? What if I still lose it in there? I have to talk about... about how he... about how I... about... It... _

She felt her eyes well up. _I can't lose it, not now, not in front of Langan..._

Olivia chewed on her lower lip and sat back down, pulling another miniature out of her bag. _Thank God Munch understood, thank God he knew how awful this would be and that sometimes everyone needs a little bit of liquid courage, not like Elliot, him and his damn mommy issues... _

She frowned. _Hmmm_. This one was Tennessee whisky. _It's even earlier there than it is here... _She hesitated, staring at the bottle. _But they're all hard drinkers down in Tennessee, right?_

_Yes, but I'm not._ She sighed and went to put it back in her bag, and then she stopped. _For fuck's sake, Olivia, you're about to talk about everything He did to you in front of that creeper Langan. If that isn't the right time for a daytime slug of whisky then what the hell is?_

It was a fair point. She shrugged and downed it, tossing the empty bottle back in her bag as she got to her feet. _Right. Let's do this._

She came out of the bathroom and immediately felt a surge of guilt as she saw Elliot loitering outside the interview room, clearly at a complete loss as to what he was meant to do now. _Oh, El..._ She bit her lip. _You're a horrible person._ She opened her mouth to say something and then suddenly burst into tears. 'El...'

'Liv?' Elliot looked up and saw her running awkwardly towards him, weeping hysterically.

_Shit. _

He took a step forward and then she was clinging to him and sobbing into the front of his shirt, her hands clutching at the fabric of his jacket. 'El, I'm not OK, El, please, I'm sorry I was so awful to you...' _Please don't leave me, please..._

Elliot sighed. 'Ssssshhh, Liv, come on...' He wrapped his arms around her back and hugged her tightly. 'Come on, Liv, it's OK, it's OK...' He kissed the top of her head. 'It's OK...'

'NO!' She pulled away and stared up at him accusingly, her face red and swollen. 'No, Elliot, it's NOT!' _Why do you keep SAYING that?_

Elliot mentally kicked himself. _Of course it's not, idiot. _ 'Yes, Liv, I know, I know, sssshhhhh...' He hugged her tighter and started to stroke her hair reassuringly. 'Come on, Liv, ssssshhhh, I'm here...'

'El...' _Please don't make me go back in there..._ She buried her face in the front of his shirt, hearing him start to murmur soothingly into her ear as she cried. 'El, no...' _I can't, oh God, I can't..._

She heard someone clear his throat and turned her head to see Langan staring at them with interest. 'Are you two a couple now?'

Olivia nodded before she could catch herself, and Langan raised his eyebrows. 'How long for?'

_Nosy son of a bitch._ Olivia's eyes narrowed. 'None of your business, you troll.' She reluctantly let go of Elliot and angrily swiped the tears out of her eyes. 'Right.' She pointed at the interview room. 'Let's go finish this so I don't have to look at your weasel face again until the fucking trial.'

Langan grinned. 'If there is a trial...'

_Asshole._ Olivia rolled her eyes and shoved past him into the interview room. 'Believe me, creep, there will be.' She sat down hard on her chair and leaned forwards, her arms crossed on the tabletop. 'Start the fucking tape again, Alex.'

Alex blinked in surprise and quickly flicked on the record switch. 'OK, Olivia, you'd just-'

'I know where we were.' Olivia gritted her teeth. _OK, Olivia._ _You can do this._

_**'Oh, Olivia... oh, you're so sexy...' He was kissing her harder, his fingers still stroking her clitoris, twisting and rubbing it between his fingers.**_

'He was still... stimulating me, and he started to tell me how sexy I was, how good it was...'

She swallowed. _Oh fuck, here comes the hard part, oh God..._

_**Suddenly she realised that her body was starting to respond. **_

Olivia licked her lips. 'I... I...'

_**Oh no, no, no... **_

'He was touching me, and I...'

_**She tried to force it to stop, focusing all her energy on pushing it down, but the tension was still beginning to build. **_

Alex leaned forward, smiling reassuringly. 'And you what, Olivia?'

_**This cannot be happening. **_

'I...'

_**Not to me. **_

_**Not to me.**_

_**Not to me.**_

_**Not to me.**_

_**Not to me.**_

Olivia cleared her throat. 'He kept touching me and eventually I became aroused.'

Langan's eyes widened and suddenly he was scribbling frantically on his legal pad, a shit-eating grin spreading across his face. Olivia shot him a dirty look. _Scumbag._ 'But I didn't like it, if that's what you're thinking.' _Like I don't know that that's exactly what you're thinking, you misogynistic bastard._

'Of course not, Miss Benson.' Langan leaned back in his chair and smirked. 'Carry on.'

'Counselor...' Alex glanced at him, a definite warning tone in her voice. 'OK, Olivia, what happened next?'

Olivia took a deep breath. 'Well, he...'

_**'Please don't do this to me, please...' She began to cry harder. 'Please, I'll do anything...'**_

'I begged him to stop what he was doing.' She gave Langan a triumphant look. 'I begged him to stop. I told him 'please don't do this to me, please.' She raised an eyebrow at him. 'Your unfortunate conquests ever do that?'

Langan studiously ignored her.

_**He smiled at her. 'Oh, Liv, it's so sweet that you just want to please me, but I really don't mind returning the favour, honestly.' **_

'He...' Olivia grimaced. 'He kept calling me 'Liv.' It was like he... like he knew me or something, like he knew me well enough to have the right to call me that, like he was trying to find another way to be...' She fought back a heave. '...intimate.'

_**He kissed her and began to move his fingers faster. 'It's only fair.'**_

'He insisted that he was going to make me come, that it was only fair that he return the favour, and then he started to stimulate me harder and faster.' Olivia swallowed. 'And then... and then I...'

_**She cleared her throat and let out an awkward moan. Oh no, that sounded fake. Try harder. 'Oh, uh, Jon...' She tried to ignore the burning sense of shame creeping through her so that she could focus on what she needed to do. **_

She cleared her throat uncomfortably. 'And then... I decided to fake it.'

Langan raised his eyebrows at her. 'You decided to fake it?'

_**You can cringe later, now just do this. She cleared her throat. 'Oh, Jon...' She arched her neck backwards and moaned again. 'Oh, JON...'**_

'Yes. Yes, I did.' Olivia suddenly realised that she was crying again and quickly wiped her eyes. 'Can I have another break now?'

Langan rolled his eyes. 'Another one? Miss Benson, I understand that maybe you'd rather go and cuddle with your new boyfriend in the hall than do important things like this, but some of us have other things to do today!'

Olivia saw a look of surprise flicker briefly across Alex's face before she could hide it, and her heart sank. _Fantastic. That's just what I needed._ 'Alex?'

'What? Oh, yes.' Alex clicked off the tape and smiled at her. 'Take a break. Take as long as you need.'

This time Olivia was down the hall, in the bathroom and safely locked in her new favourite stall almost before Elliot could open his mouth. _Where is it, where is it, where is it..._ She pushed back a rising feeling of desperation, ransacking her bag. _Oh God, where is it, where is it... _

_For FUCK'S SAKE!_ She let out a cry of exasperation and emptied her bag out onto the floor, pawing frantically through her belongings. _Oh God, oh God, oh God, oh God..._

_There aren't any left._

Olivia felt a rush of panic. _No, no, there have to be, there HAVE to be..._

She started to rifle through her possessions again, turning her bag inside out to see if something had slipped into the lining or got caught on a seam, in case something had somehow gotten snagged in a fold...

_There aren't any left._

'FUCK!' Olivia threw her bag against the door and buried her face in her hands. 'Fuck, fuck, FUCK-'

'Are you OK in there?'

_Shit._

'Miss?'

Olivia hadn't realised that there was someone else in the bathroom.

She crossed her fingers and prayed. _Leave me alone, leave me alone, please just leave me alone..._

'Miss? Would you like me to go and get someone for you?'

_Shit shit shit shit SHIT!_ Olivia cleared her throat. 'No, I, uh...' She trailed off. _What do I say now?_

There was a sigh. 'I'm going to go and find one of the special detectives, OK?'

Olivia sat bolt upright. 'NO!'

'Miss, if you need help, they'd be better trained...'

'No, I don't, I...' Olivia bit down hard on her lip, frantically trying to think of something that would make her leave her alone. 'I... I just, uh...' Inspiration struck. 'Do you have a tampon?'

'Ah...' The woman outside laughed, the air of tension immediately broken. 'Of course I do. It happens to the best of us, dear.' A hand appeared under the door holding out a cellophane-wrapped tube, and Olivia automatically reached out and took it. 'Next time just say so, I thought you were having a nervous breakdown in there!'

'No.' Olivia forced a laugh. 'No, just caught short.' She sighed to herself. _What the hell am I going to do now?_

The walk back to the interview room was easily the longest 15 seconds of her life. _I can't do this. I can't do this. I can't do this. I can't do this._

_You have to do this._

Olivia sighed. _I know I do._

She somehow managed a listless smile as Elliot raised his eyebrows questioningly and then she was back in that room again, closing the door behind her and taking a deep, calming breath. _OK. OK, I can do this. I can do this. _She slowly made her way to her chair and sat down, fidgeting nervously. _I can do this. I can do this._

Alex gave her a concerned look. 'Liv, are you OK?'

_No._ 'Yes. Yes, I'm fine.' She forced a smile. 'Come on, we're nearly done.' She saw Langan roll his eyes and gave him a dirty look. 'Let's finish this thing.' _Quick, before I lose my nerve and run. _She glanced longingly at the door. _I wonder how far I could get before El tackles me..._

'OK.' Alex reached forward and turned the tape back on. 'What happened after you decided to fake it, Olivia?'

She took a deep breath. 'I...' _I can't do this. Oh God, I can't do this._ 'I...'

It's _OK, Olivia. You're not talking about you, you're talking about someone else, all this happened to someone else, you can do this, Olivia, it's just one more day at work, just one more day..._

_No. Her heart sank. No, it isn't._

_**He was still touching her, stroking her clitoris with his fingers in between twisting it roughly, digging his fingernails in, rubbing it between his thumb and forefinger.**_

Olivia cleared her throat. _Say it._ 'He kept... touching me.'

_**She chewed her lip, biting down hard enough to draw blood as she felt her legs begin to shake. **_

'I could feel...' She looked down, horribly aware of Langan's eyes on her. 'I...'

_**Oh no, come on, Olivia, hold it, hold it in, come on, you can do it, you can do it... **_

'I kept trying, I kept trying, I swear...' Olivia shook her head, tears streaming down her face. 'I tried, I tried, but..'

_**She didn't think that she could. Oh no, NO... **_

Olivia was still shaking her head, her eyes wide and panicked. 'He... he...'

_**Her body arched, her hips thrusting upwards to push against him, and he smiled and kissed her, forcing his tongue into her mouth.**_

She began to sob loudly. 'And then... and then I...'

_**She felt herself begin to come and finally gave in and wailed, tears streaming down her face as she felt her muscles contracting around him, before trailing off into racking sobs.**_

She licked her lips. 'And then I came.'

There was a long silence in the interview room.

Langan was the first to speak. 'And did you light up a cigarette then, Ms Benson, or did you wait until my client had left?'

Something in Olivia's eyes flared. 'You SON OF A BITCH!' She leapt up and threw herself across the table at him, her hands clenched into fists. 'How DARE you do this, how DARE YOU MOCK ME-' She hurled herself on top of him and both of them crashed to the floor. 'You BASTARD, YOU BASTARD-'

'Whoa, Liv, Liv, come on...' Alex was on her feet, grabbing at her shoulders and trying to pull her away. 'Liv, come on!'

'NO!' She kept slapping Langan hard in the face, shoving his hands away as he tried to fend her off. 'BASTARD!'

She heard Alex slam the door open and shout something and then Elliot was there and pulling her off Langan, pinning her arms by her sides as she felt a fresh burst of rage. 'No, El, no, I'm not DONE yet!' He tried to soothe her and she slapped his hand away angrily, her eyes wide with fury. 'NO!'

'She's crazy. She's completely crazy.' Langan was on his feet again, brushing dust off his suit and straightening his tie. 'I want a psych eval on her, I want it now-'

Elliot hoisted Olivia up into his arms, trying to avoid her flailing fists as she screamed obscenities at Langan. 'Just shut up, you scumbag, you brought this on yourself, I know what you're like, I know what you must have said to her!'

'The hell with you.' Langan shook his head angrily, grabbing his legal pad and briefcase from the table. 'Your girlfriend is a complete nut.'

'No. No, she's not.' Elliot fixed Langan in a glare. 'She's traumatised, and she's traumatised because of what your client did to her and what you've just put her through.' He looked him up and down, his face full of disgust. 'Don't think I haven't thought about doing what she's just done in the past.'

Langan took a step forward. 'Was that a threat, Detective, because-'

Elliot rolled his eyes. 'Oh, just shut up.' He tightened his arms around Olivia. 'Come on, Liv, we're going home.' He gave Langan a warning look. 'We'd better not see you again until trial, counselor.'

_**A/N: What do you think? I for one think Langan has had that coming for a while... **__**As ever, please send me a review and let me know what you think!**_


	19. Chapter 19

_**A/N: I have more Heritage for you! Are you excited? I hope so. I have a little bit of crossover between SVU and the 'Mother Ship' in this one, in that Dr Olivet makes an appearance and there is a reference to one of my other L&O ships... and if you're interested in the episode she references, it's called 'Helpless' and it's in Season 3 of original L&O.**_

_**As ever, thank you all for your reviews, thank you to Hailey for putting up with my bitching about my endless creative blockage, and I hope you all like this one just as much as the last ones - and of course, please send me a review to let me know what you think! **_

_**Rhonda Roo - I know, that always really amuses me too. Whenever his name appears on the credits/his character appears on the screen I squeal 'Peter Hermannnnn!' and it drives my housemate nuts. Apparently he, Mariska and HCJ are good friends off the show... which for me would result in some hella awkward dinner parties... **_

_**badbehavior, I missed you! I'm the same sometimes, and then I feel really bad for neglecting sending reviews but I get the updates to my phone and it slips my mind when I next log back on properly... so, my bad. Thank you so, so much for your review, and for saying that this is the best story you've read so far on FF... that made me very, very, VERY happy. You have no idea. Squeals of joy were heard. **_

_**inspirationimagination, you're still one of my favourites. In fact, you always will be one of my favourites. And yes, Peter Hermann certainly does have a gift for the Smug. I did enjoy writing the mini-standoff at the end... though to be honest I think in a stare down between him and Elliot there is only ever going to be one winner. **_

_**Hailey, your letter was AWESOME and I hope the snow is less wet and nasty! (Also, thanks for your review, but I've said that numerous times already. So, yeah.) **_

_**gemfinder360, you are correct. Bitch did deserve it. **_

_**courtneylovejason, yeah stuff like that is tough but they seem to be slowly getting there... and I hope this was soon enough of an update for you! **_

_**lou3174, damn straight. Liv's still a badass, whatever she's been through. **_

_**PiperOnlyFanFic, thank you so much! **_

_**W.S.C. Magica De Spell, thank you - I put a lot of effort into getting emotions and thoughts across well, so I'm glad that it worked well for you. **_

_**morgancorinthos84, thank you for your sudden spurt of reviews - it really made my day to wake up to those on my phone. I'm really glad you liked the story and I hope you like this chapter just as much. There's a lot of discussion in this chapter about why she chose to sleep with him so soon, which I'm hoping people will like - it was something I kind of wanted to get out there properly at some point during the story. And thanks for saying you liked the internal dialogue - that's something I put a fair bit of work into because sometimes I think it's even more important than what the characters are actually saying. **_

_**So, usual huge huge note over, thanks to everyone who's been reading and to all of my reviewers, and I hope you like this chapter just as much as the other ones - and please send me a review to let me know!**_

'So, Olivia, do you know why you're here?'

'Yes.' Olivia's eyes narrowed. 'Because that asshole Langan made me come.'

'And why did he make you do that?'

Olivia rolled her eyes. 'Well, I don't know, Doctor, maybe-'

'Elizabeth.' Dr Olivet smiled. 'Call me Elizabeth.'

Olivia bristled. _Fucking shrinks and their mind games, trying to make me think she's my friend..._ 'OK, then, ELIZABETH, I'm here because I got angry.'

'And why did you get angry?'

_Why the fuck do you think?_ 'I got angry because he's a patronising insensitive misogynistic asshole.'

'Why do you say that?'

'Because he implied I was lying, that I was a stupid vindictive bitch who'd...' Olivia bit her lip, trying to control the waver in her voice. 'Who'd loved every second of it, who'd made up the story of being attacked because... because I had buyer's remorse, because I was ashamed...'

'Doesn't he often do that with rape victims?'

_For fuck's sake..._ Olivia rolled her eyes again. 'Yes, he does, because he's an asshole. We've been over this.'

'But you've never physically attacked him before, have you?'

Olivia shifted uncomfortably in her seat. 'Well, no, but...' She paused. 'But this is different.'

'Because it's you?'

'Of course because it's me!'

'Because I listened to the tapes from when you interviewed Mr Phillips, and from what I heard, Olivia, you've been distancing yourself from what happened to you as much as you can.'

_Wouldn't you?_ Olivia drew herself up to her full height and cleared her throat. 'What makes you say that?'

'Well, for one thing, you kept referring to the victim as 'she' and 'her.' 'Why'd you pick her', 'was there anything she could have done.' At one point you even explicitly stated that 'this isn't about me.''

_So?_ 'Look, I just didn't want everyone to know what had happened, OK?'

'Why not?'

'Why the fuck do you think? Because it's embarrassing!'

'Why is it embarrassing? Don't you think they'd understand?'

_Why would they? You obviously don't. _ 'Of course they wouldn't understand! They'd all tell me that it wasn't my fault-' Olivia's eyes widened as she realised what she'd just said. _Shit. _ 'I mean-'

'Do you think it's your fault, Olivia?'

_Yes._ 'Well, no, of course I don't...' _Liar._

'Were you ashamed to tell them what happened because you didn't want to admit you'd lost control?'

Olivia's eyes narrowed. _Bitch. _'I didn't lose control.' _So there._

'Because from what I heard on the tapes, the trigger that prompted you to attack Mr Langan was being reminded of the fact that Mr Phillips made you orgasm.'

_Fuck you. _Olivia gritted her teeth. 'I did not lose control. I never lose control.'

'Do you think you're in control now?'

_This is so fucking stupid, I swear to God..._ 'I don't know, ELIZABETH, what do you think?'

'It doesn't matter what I think, Olivia. I'm asking you.'

_Yes, of course I am._ 'I...' Olivia stopped and bit her lip. _Shit. _ 'I... don't know.'

'Does that make you uncomfortable?'

Olivia forced a laugh. 'What makes me uncomfortable is having to sit here and waste my time talking to some stupid quack psychiatrist about something that doesn't matter.'

'Do you often lash out when you feel like someone is trying to take control of a situation away from you?'

Olivia just crossed her arms and sat back in her chair, staring at the floor.

Dr Olivet sighed. 'Olivia, I'd like to talk about the incident with the razor blade.'

_The fuck?_ Olivia sat bolt upright. 'Who told you about that?'

'That's not important.'

_Oh, that bastard, that complete and utter bastard..._ 'It was Elliot, wasn't it?'

'That's not important, Olivia.'

Olivia shook her head angrily, clenching her fists. 'That underhanded son of a bitch, how dare he-'

'Tell me what happened, Olivia.' Dr Olivet's voice was calm but authoritative.

_Fine._ Olivia rolled her eyes. 'Well, I found a packet of razor blades in the bathroom cabinet and I decided I fancied a change of hairstyle.' _Happy now?_

'Do you often want to hurt yourself, Olivia?'

_What?_ Olivia fought back a surge of exasperation. 'Jesus Christ, I cut off my hair, I didn't slash my wrists or anything!' _Why do you keep asking me all these stupid questions? _

'Cutting hair is often a form of self-harm. Did you know that?'

_Fuck you._ Olivia opened her mouth, and then she stopped, staring at her knees. 'No.' She started to fidget with the fabric of her sweatpants. 'No, I didn't.'

'Was that all you were going to do?'

_No._ 'Yes.'

'Olivia, we both know that that's not true.'

_BITCH! _Olivia felt a rush of anger. 'Then why the fuck did you ask me? Are you laughing at me?'

'Olivia, I'm trying to give you the opportunity to tell me yourself.'

Olivia looked at her coldly. 'I didn't come here just so someone else could laugh at me.'

'Olivia, I'm not laughing at you.'

'Yes you are! Everyone is! Everyone is laughing at me!' Olivia laughed bitterly. 'See, even I'm laughing at me!' _Because if you don't laugh you cry, right? Right?_

'Why are they laughing at you?'

'Why do you think? Because I was stupid, because I let this happen to me!'

'You didn't let anything happen, Olivia.'

'I did, I did, I...' Olivia burst into tears. 'I couldn't control it, I tried, I tried, I swear, I couldn't do it, it just happened, I couldn't stop it-'

'Tell me about the razor blade, Olivia.'

Olivia let out a cry of exasperation. 'I TOLD you, I cut my hair!' _Now just DROP IT!_

'What else were you going to cut, Olivia?'

'NOTHING! I TOLD YOU, NOTHING!'

'Olivia, you told Elliot that 'you weren't done yet' when he caught you.'

_Fuck you._ Olivia rolled her eyes. 'Look, just leave me alone, OK?' _It's not like you give two shits anyway, you sadistic bitch._

'Olivia, he had to coax you into giving him the blade. You were so desperate to hang onto it that you cut your fingertips down to the bone.'

Olivia felt a sudden flash of anger. 'IT BETRAYED ME!'

'What betrayed you, Olivia?'

Olivia blinked. _Shit. Shit._ 'Nothing, nothing did, I was confused for a second, that's all-'

'Olivia, what else were you going to do with the blade?'

'Nothing.' Olivia crossed her arms. 'Nothing.'

'Elliot told me that when he came into the bathroom your underwear was around your ankles.'

Olivia's eyes narrowed. 'Then Elliot is a liar.'

'Why would he lie about that?'

'Well, I don't fucking know, do I?'

'Olivia, tell me. What were you going to do with the razor blade?'

'I...' Something inside her finally snapped. 'It was mine, it was special, He took it from me, it let Him take it from me!'

'The blade?'

'NO!' Olivia was shaking with anger. 'No, no, it was mine, He forced it out of me, he took what was meant to be special and beautiful and he made it violent and ugly, and it... it let Him, it responded to him, it shouldn't have done, it betrayed me, it let him do it, and I wanted to make sure that it would never do it again, that that would never happen to me again, and... and...' Olivia bit her lip and stared at her knees. 'And I was going to cut it out of me.'

'You were going to mutilate yourself.'

Olivia nodded silently_. Can I go now?_

'Why?'

_What, that wasn't enough for you?_ 'I just told you why.'

'But why did you feel like your orgasm was such a betrayal?'

'Because it was... it was meant to be special, to be something beautiful, something I shared with someone I loved, and... and He ruined it.' Olivia started to cry again. 'He ruined it for me...'

'Is that why you had sex with Elliot?'

_WHAT? _ Olivia's jaw dropped. 'How did you know about that?'

'I-'

'Did he tell you? Because that was PRIVATE, it's NOTHING TO DO WITH THIS-'

'He didn't tell me, Olivia. I heard it on the tapes.'

_Fuck._ 'I... I wanted to...' Olivia sighed. 'I just wanted to feel someone else on me other than Him.' _Was that so wrong of me?_

'You wanted Elliot to fix you?'

_Oh, for fuck's sake..._ 'No, I didn't say that.'

'Then why?'

'I...' Olivia took a deep breath. 'I wanted to remind myself that sex could be loving and beautiful before I forgot completely. I didn't want to just think of the bad.'

'And did it work?'

'No...' Olivia started to cry harder. 'No, it hurt, it hurt so much, and then afterwards I... I felt so violated, so dirty, I couldn't believe I let him put that in me... it was so crude, so... so awful, and I just... I just wished that I hadn't done it...'

'Do you still feel that way?'

_Of course I do._ 'I...' Olivia wiped her eyes. 'Well, no, I-' She stopped, blinking in surprise. 'No, I... I don't...' _Oh my God, I don't..._

A flicker of a smile crossed Dr Olivet's face. 'So how do you feel about it now?'

Olivia was shaking her head in amazement. 'I... I know that it was different than... than the other time.' _Oh my God, I do, I really do..._

'How was it different?'

'Because...' _Because I love him._ Olivia smiled. 'Because he kept asking if I was OK, he... he stroked my hair, and he held my hand, and... and he told me he loved me, I knew that I could trust him, it was... it was special. It was just us, it was about us, it wasn't about... about ugliness, or violence, or power, it was about...' She trailed off. 'It was about how he felt about me, how I felt about him, and...' She smiled again. 'And when he came he held me close and whispered my name into my ear...'

There was a brief silence before Dr Olivet cleared her throat. 'And why did you choose Elliot?'

_Well, that's an easy one._ 'Because he says that he loves me.'

'He says that he loves you?'

'Yes, that's what I just said.' Olivia raised her eyebrows at Dr Olivet. 'You know, you really need to listen more.'

'But you don't believe him?'

'What?' _Where did that come from?_ 'Of course I believe him!'

'Then why did you tell me that he 'says' he loves you, rather than just saying that he loves you?'

_Oh, for fuck's sake... _Olivia rolled her eyes again. _This is such utter bullshit..._

'Why don't you believe that he loves you, Olivia?'

_Don't be stupid, I do._ 'Because I...' _Wait, what?_ 'Because I can't see how he can...'

'Why not?'

Olivia shifted uncomfortably in her seat, clenching her fists so tight that her fingernails dug into her palms. 'Because... because I'm dirty, I'm awful, I don't deserve him, and that's worse, that's worse than anything, because... because...' She trailed off.

'Because what, Olivia?'

Olivia stared down at her knees. 'Never mind. It's not important.

'Humour me.'

Olivia could feel tears starting to stream down her face again. _Crap._ 'Because I want him to love me...'

'Do you love him?'

'Yes.' Olivia smiled a little. 'Yes, I do.'

Dr Olivet sighed. 'You told Mr Phillips that Elliot made you orgasm.'

_What? Why are we back on this again? _Olivia stared at her. 'So?'

'And did he?'

_No._ 'Yes, he-' She stopped, biting her lip. 'No. No, he didn't.' _Though God knows he tried..._

'And how did that make you feel?'

'How did what make me feel?' _I definitely don't feel sexually frustrated, if that's what you mean. I don't ever want to have an orgasm again._

'Knowing that Mr Phillips had been able to bring you to orgasm when someone you loved couldn't.'

_Oh. _Olivia blinked. _OK._ 'It made me feel...' She sighed. 'It made me feel that maybe... maybe...'

'That maybe you enjoyed what had happened to you?'

_Yes..._ Olivia nodded silently. 'And I... I don't want that to be true, I don't, because... because that would make me as bad as He is, and...' She bit her lip. 'Elizabeth, I'm afraid...'

'What are you afraid of?'

'Duh.' Olivia rolled her eyes. 'What do you think?'

'But is that the only thing?'

Olivia hesitated. 'I...' _Oh, just say it, she knows anyway._ 'I'm afraid I'll always be like this, that sex will always be that awkward, that painful, because...' She sighed. 'Because I don't want to think that He's ruined that part of me forever.'

'Do you think that he has?'

'I don't know.' Olivia bit her lip. 'But just once I'd like to be able to, you know, make love to my boyfriend, properly, without having to force myself through it...' She took a deep breath, silently willing herself not to start crying again. 'We haven't been... together... like that since that one time, and I feel like He's taken that from me forever... that it wasn't enough for him to violate me, that he had to make it so I would feel that every man had violated me...'

'Do you want to make love to your boyfriend?'

'I...' Olivia sighed. 'Sometimes I think about how wonderful it could be, feeling him touching me and holding me and moving inside of me, being able to look into his eyes as he kisses me and watch the pleasure on his face as I...' She burst into tears. 'As I hold him close to me and press my body against his, but then I remember, and... and it's not fair, it's not, He's taken that from me, he's taken all that from me...' Olivia buried her face in her hands and sobbed. 'I want to, I want to so badly, but I know that I can't, and I'm scared that I never will, and... and sometimes the thought of that just makes me want to die because however awful it was I can't imagine living without that kind of intimacy, I just... I just...' She wailed and threw her wadded up tissue across the room. 'I just don't KNOW!'

'What don't you know, Olivia?'

'I just...' Olivia stared at her knees. 'I don't know why I let this happen to me...' She looked up, tears streaming down her face. 'What's wrong with me?'

'What do you think is wrong with you?'

'I... don't know...' Olivia shook her head blankly. 'I just don't know...'

Dr Olivet sighed. 'OK, Olivia, I think that's enough for today.' She smiled at her and put her notepad down. 'Will I be seeing you again?'

Olivia's jaw dropped. 'I thought I only had to come once!' _That underhanded bastard Langan, I swear I'll break his miserable troll legs when I get a hold of him, I swear to God-_

'Yes, Olivia, you did, but if you'd like to make this a regular thing I'll fit you into my schedule.'

_Fuck that._ 'Oh, well, I don't-' Olivia stopped, biting her lip. _No, Olivia. No, you don't want to. _'Actually... I might think about that...' _What? Please tell me you're just humouring her..._

Dr Olivet smiled. 'Do.'

'Uh...' Olivia shifted uncomfortably in her seat. 'Elizabeth... can I ask you something?'

Dr Olivet leaned forward in her seat. 'Sure.'

Olivia took a deep breath. 'Why did Alex ask you to do this instead of Huang?'

Dr Olivet sighed. 'Because, Olivia... I was raped too. I know how it feels to believe that you somehow asked for it, that because you put yourself in a potentially dangerous situation in the first place you deserved what happened to you... except for me it was even worse because I went back after he assaulted me once, and it was then that he raped me, and everyone just kept asking me, why would you do that, why would you go back, and...' She shrugged. 'And the answer is, I don't know, but... I still know that I didn't ask for what happened, Olivia, and neither did you.'

_Oh._ Olivia cleared her throat. 'Was it... was it a boyfriend who raped you?'

Dr Olivet laughed bitterly. 'No, it was my gynaecologist. And the worst thing was, after he first assaulted me, people kept asking was I sure that he'd assaulted me, was I sure it wasn't just a new exam, and I just kept telling them that I'd been going to the gynaecologist since I was 15 but it had never made me feel dirty before... and then I went back, to prove that what he did was wrong, and... and that's when he raped me.'

_Oh._ Olivia looked at the floor. 'When... when did it happen?' _I don't remember ever having this case... and I remember every case I've ever had..._

'Almost ten years ago.' She patted Olivia's arm reassuringly. 'But Olivia, I promise, it does get better. I actually ended up marrying a detective who worked my case, years later, and...' She smiled. 'And believe me, we get on just fine. Take it slowly with Elliot, and see what happens. You might be surprised.'

_**A/N: What did you think? It had some very dark parts this time around, but I hope you all enjoyed it anyway and weren't too disturbed - and please send me a review and let me know what you thought!**_


	20. Chapter 20

_**A/N: So, here's more Heritage for you! After a week or so of being blocked on it completely I had a sudden burst of productivity this morning and finished it in about four hours, so it's your lucky day! **_

_**Thank you so much for all your lovely reviews, and even though this chapter has a very different tone to most of the earlier ones I hope you'll like it just as much anyway - and please send me a review to let me know what you think! **_

_**Hutch917, thank you so much! courtneylovejason, I'm so glad you liked it and that you enjoyed the therapy session and the breakthroughs Olivia had in it. I've always thought she and Dr Olivet would get on well, because she's also a proper badass =)**_

_** gemfinder360, thanks, and thank you for listening to me bitch about writer's block endlessly... **_

_**lou3174, I'm happy you liked the dark humour in it - as most of you know, I always try to mix my writing with a little humour, however dark it might be. **_

_**HAILEY! Thank you for listening to me rant and for proofreading this for me, and I'm really happy you liked the last chapter - Benson can be pretty heartbreaking at times =( I just want to hug her so bad... Anyway now that this chapter is finally over I can finish off your minific and send your letter - so yay! **_

_**inspirationimagination, I'm glad you found the psychiatrist plausible - not only have I watched her God knows how many times on original L&O, but I've had my own experiences of psychiatrists/psychologists and my God could they piss me off sometimes... I just kept wanting to tell them to mind their own damn business. I'm also happy you liked how Elliot and Olivia handled the whole idea of the trip to the psychiatrist, because it was exactly how I could imagine it happening if it was on the show - I just have this mental image of Elliot dropping into her office before the appointment and quietly explaining the whole thing to her in the hope that she can help - which, it seems, she can =) Anyway, thank you so much, and I hope you like this chapter just as much! **_

_**PiperOnlyFanFic, thanks! **_

_**SteffieDawn, I'm so happy you like my story and my writing so much, and I hope this chapter is just as good as you'd hoped. **_

_**W.S.C. Magica De Spell, I'm glad you still liked it, however dark it was. **_

_**So, usual marathon note over, here's the new chapter for you. I hope you all like it, and please, PLEASE send me a review to let me know what you think!**_

_**EXTRA NOTE: Because the site is cracking down on - ahem - smut, I have been forced to edit this chapter pretty massively. I'm going to try and rewrite the ones I'm going to be editing, but in the meantime there'll be a big gap. Also, if you want to read the original unedited version, send me a quick review saying so and I will get on it for you!**_

'Was the therapist helpful today, Liv?' Elliot kissed the back of her neck, tightening his arms around her middle as she lay beside him in his bed.

Olivia nodded, stroking the palm of his hand with her thumb. 'Mmm-hmm.'

Elliot smiled. 'I'm glad.' He turned his head to kiss her cheek. 'What did you talk about?'

Olivia snuggled back against him, smiling as she felt him begin to stroke her hair. 'We talked... we talked about how I need to... distance myself less, and...' She snorted derisively, rolling her eyes. 'And she said I had issues with control.'

Elliot sighed. _Sounds about right._ 'Do you think you'll go back?'

'I-' Olivia hesitated. 'Well, I'm not really sure yet...' _For one thing, I don't need a shrink to tell me what's wrong with me._

'Well, I think you should.' Elliot hugged her tighter. 'I think it could be good for you.'

Olivia shifted uncomfortably. _Ask him. _'Well, maybe...' _Do it._ She bit her lip and rolled over onto her back, looking up at his face. 'Actually, El, I was thinking about...' She hesitated. _DO IT._ 'You know, about something the therapist said...'

He smiled and stroked her hair. 'What did she say?'

'She said... well, she said... it was about how we had sex, and...' Olivia chewed on her lower lip. 'El...'

He frowned and took her hand. 'What is it, Liv?' _Did I do something to upset you?_

'El... El, I...' Olivia took a deep breath. _You can do this. You know you can._ 'Will you... will you kiss me?' _Please don't say no, please..._

He smiled, leaned down and pressed his lips gently against hers. 'Like that?'

Olivia shook her head. 'No. Properly.' She forced a smile. 'I promise I won't throw up on you this time.' _Wow, you really know how to make yourself irresistible, don't you? _She paused. 'Or, you know, hit you.' _Even better, he'll be mad with desire now._

Elliot opened his mouth to say something, and then he stopped, looking at her uncertainly. 'Are you sure?' _I really can't bear to upset you again, not like last time, that was awful, that was so awful..._

Olivia smiled. 'Yes.' She stroked the side of his face. 'I love you, El, and... and I want you to kiss me.' _Please, please kiss me..._

Elliot bit his lip. _Oh God, I want to, I want to so badly..._ He hesitated for a second, and then he smiled, leaned in and kissed her, feeling her tense up a little before she tentatively wrapped her arms around his back and pulled him in close.

_Oh wow._

_Oh WOW._

Olivia smiled to herself and hugged him tighter, opening her mouth a little as she kissed him and feeling her stomach flip as she tasted his lips on hers. _This really isn't so bad after all... _ 'El...'

'Oh, Liv...' Elliot could feel her smiling against his mouth and he began to kiss her more deeply, stroking the side of her face with his thumb and winding strands of her hair around his fingers. 'Olivia...'

'El...' She could feel his tongue beginning to flick gently against her lips and she instinctively tensed, suddenly back on the floor of her apartment with... with Him, he was holding her down and forcing her to... to... She bit her lip, forcing down a scream, and then she felt Elliot's arms tightening around her and she smiled again, starting to run her hands over his back. 'Oh, El...' _It's you, it's you, I love that it's you..._

Elliot felt a tinge of doubt. _Elliot, are you really sure she wants to do this?_ He pulled away a little, looking carefully at her face. 'Are you OK, Liv?' _Don't think I didn't feel you tense up a second ago._

She smiled. 'Yes, El, I'm fine.' _I love that he keeps asking me that..._

'I'm glad.' He kissed her softly on the mouth, cradling the side of her face with the palm of his hand. 'I love you, Olivia.'

'I love you too.' Olivia took a deep breath. _Say it say it say it say it-_ 'Now take my top off.'

Elliot blinked in surprise. '...What?'

She looked him in the eye. 'Take my top off, El.'

Elliot hesitated.

_Oh God, what do I do?_

_Do what she says._

_But what if she's upset?_

_She wouldn't just do this for me, would she?_

_Would she?_

'Elliot.' Olivia was looking at him, her eyes narrowing and a definite edge in her voice. 'Take my top off, now.'

_Yikes._ Elliot took a deep breath, took hold of the hem of her T-shirt and pulled it carefully over her head.

_Oh Jesus oh Jesus..._ Olivia barely suppressed a gasp, suddenly remembering the way he had lifted her T-shirt the last time they were... together... and how he had hurt her, he had hurt her so much she had bled-

Elliot felt a burst of shame as she instinctively cringed away and hunched over, crossing her arms tightly across herself. 'Oh, Liv, you don't have to-'

_Stop it, Olivia._ She mentally kicked herself. _He did it because he loved you._

She took a deep breath, forcing herself to uncross her arms and let them fall to her sides as she looked shyly up at him. 'El, I'm doing this because I want to, not because I have to.'_ I do, I do want to do this, I want to do this so much... _She sat up straight and smiled. 'Kiss me.'

Elliot just stared at her, suddenly painfully aware of how badly he wanted her, how much he wanted to run his hands over her bare skin as she kissed him, hear her moan as she moved beneath him... _Elliot, stop it. This isn't about what you want. _He bit his lip. _Oh God, but I want her, I want her so much..._ 'Liv...' He shifted uncomfortably, still unsure. 'I don't know if-'

'Shut the hell up, Elliot.' Olivia leaned forward, grabbed him and pulled him down on top of her, pressing her body tightly against his. 'Now for God's sake kiss me again.'

Elliot smiled to himself. _That's my girl._ He leaned in and kissed her, feeling her tongue begin to brush across his lips as he breathed in the scent of her skin and ran his fingers through her hair, silently thanking all the gods for sending him the genius therapist. 'Oh, Liv...'

'El...' Olivia felt him start to stroke her bare back and she hugged him tighter, her teeth catching on his lower lip as she smiled to herself.

_OK, you've done it, you can stop now._

_I know, but... I don't want to stop._

Olivia felt her breath catch in her throat.

_Oh my God..._

_I don't want to stop..._

Elliot felt her tense and he stopped and looked at her. 'You OK, Liv?'

'Yes, El, I am...' Olivia started to kiss him again, taking his hand in hers. 'Harder, kiss me harder...'

Elliot's eyes widened. _Jesus._ 'Liv-'

'Mmm, El...' Olivia tightened her arm around his back and he felt her smile against his mouth, her hand still on his and pressing it firmly against her chest. 'El...'

'Liv...' He hugged her tighter. 'Oh, Olivia, you're so beautiful...' _This therapist deserves a goddamn medal..._

'El...' She smiled again and kissed him harder, finally slipping her tongue into his mouth. 'Oh, El...'

_Maybe that's enough._

_No. No, it's not enough._

'El...' She wrapped both her arms around his back again, and then his tongue was moving tentatively inside her mouth and she let out a quiet gasp, her hands clenching into fists.

_Oh no..._ Elliot pulled away a little and looked at her carefully, stroking the side of her face with his thumb. 'Are you OK, Liv?'

She smiled at him. 'Yes, El, I am. I really am.' _More. I need more._ She took a deep breath and then suddenly her hands were on the hem of his T-shirt and she was pulling it over his head and throwing it on the floor, pressing her body tightly against his chest and realising with a jolt how much she loved the feeling of his bare skin against hers. _This isn't weird or awful at all... _ 'Oh God, El, I love you...'

Elliot slid his hands slowly around her waist, stroking his fingers gently across her skin. 'I love you too...' _So, so much..._

'Mmmm, El...' Olivia tightened her arms around his back, laying her palms flat against the sides of his body and starting to lift her hips, enjoying the feeling of his chest on hers, pushing her down into the mattress as he wrapped his body tightly around hers. 'El...' She buried her face in the side of his neck, breathing in the scent of his skin as she stroked his back with her fingertips. 'Oh, El...'

_That's enough. You can stop now._

_But I don't want to stop..._

'El...' Olivia began to kiss him again, slipping her tongue back into his mouth as he hugged her tighter and smiling to herself. She could feel his hands on her bare skin, his heart beating hard and fast against her chest, hear him breathing heavily as he kissed her harder and harder, and suddenly she was filled with a sense of impulsive invulnerability. 'El, put your hand down my pants.'

'What?' Elliot pulled away and looked at her. 'Liv-'

'I... um...' She forced a smile, suddenly unsure of herself. 'Put... put your hands down my pants. Please.' _I can do this. I can totally do this. It's fine. Oh God, this such a bad idea... _She bit her lip. _No. No, I can do this. I have to try._

Elliot was smiling at her, leaning down to kiss her again, holding his hand flat against her abdomen and sliding it carefully down under her pyjama shorts and inside her underwear-

**YOU KNOW, I THINK THAT YOU'RE REALLY GOING TO ENJOY THIS PART.**

_- _Olivia's breath caught and she clamped her legs together and pushed him away. 'OK, El, stop. That's enough.'

'Oh.' Elliot felt a slight twinge of disappointment and immediately hated himself for it. _You selfish asshole._ 'OK, Liv.'

Olivia felt a rush of guilt. _God, Olivia, you're so selfish._ 'I'm sorry, El, but...' She looked away, chewing on her lip. _Please forgive me..._ 'I mean, I know it's your hand, I know it's you touching me, but... but...' _But a part of me is still afraid..._

Elliot sighed. _Oh, Liv..._ 'Sssshhhh, Liv, don't worry.' He leaned in and kissed her. 'I understand.' _It's my fault, and I'm so sorry for pushing you._

'I knew you would.' _Of course I knew you would..._ She smiled, cuddling up to him as he put his arm around her shoulders and hugged her tightly. 'I love you, El.' She laid her head on his chest, draping her arm across his body and taking his hand in hers as she felt him start to stroke her bare shoulder with his thumb. 'I'm so glad it was you...'

'So am I.' He smiled and kissed the top of her head, pulling the bedcovers up and tucking them carefully around her body. 'And I love you too.'

She looked up, smiling up at his face and stretching up to kiss him softly on the mouth. 'I know.' She snuggled up closer to him and closed her eyes, laying her head back on his chest and smiling to herself as he started to stroke her hair. 'I know.'

_**A/N: Edit aside, did you still like it? Please send me a review and let me know!**_


	21. Chapter 21

_**A/N: So, more Heritage! I hope you all like it, because I for one am sick of the sight of it and am ready to just publish and be done with it. There's some more Kathy and some more of her and Olivia talking things out, so... hopefully you'll all like that, even if it is a bit different from last time. Thank you all so much for all your feedback, and please send me a review after you've read this to let me know what you think! **_

_**SteffieDawn, thanks. I too wish every man in the world was like that :( Oh well. I'm glad you like the internal thoughts because that's kind of a hallmark of my writing... so it's good to know it's appreciated. **_

_**inspirationimagination, I'm happy you liked how it was written - for one thing, I thought she would want to build up to things slowly, and for another, yes, she would be blunt. I couldn't see her being big on flowery language, she'd just tell him what to do when she wanted to do it (and God help him if he didn't... :)) So, yeah, they've started to work through things more now so we'll see how that goes. **_

_**Hailey, you're awesome, I love you, and I want to be in Michigan right now. So, what else is new? Anyway, I'm glad you liked the story line, because one of the points of me doing this story was to try and bring something new to an idea that has been done over and over, and maybe to give it a touch more realism? (Also, your letter kicked epic ass.) **_

_**courtneylovejason, thanks! And, you know, if she was going to trust anyone with this it would be him...**_

_**Rhonda Roo, I'm pleased you liked the internal thoughts too, because like I said to SteffieDawn, they're sort of a hallmark of my writing, so it's good to know that they work. **_

_**gemfinder360, I didn't think they'd jump straight to sex from where they were before, so I'm glad you liked that - and it's the beginning of building back up to the way she was before, and it's a big milestone for her to want to be touched like that again after everything that has happened. **_

_**BonesSVUlover, thank you :) **_

_**PiperOnlyFanFic, thank you too :) **_

_**SVUandBonesAddict, I'm so happy you liked this. Like I said to Hailey, I wanted to bring something new to this story line and try and portray it more realistically, as well as go more in depth to some of the issues the show kind of skips over, because even once they've caught/convicted the attacker, that's still nowhere near the solution to all the victim's problems. One thing I definitely knew is that she wouldn't immediately be insatiable-100mph-do-me-now in terms of sex, whoever it happened to be with, so I wanted to show her slowly building up to it and finding her confidence instead of just jumping straight into it. **_

_**Anyway, note over (and, praise be, nowhere near as rambling as the one I posted in the last chapter of Grievance - that thing just never shut up) here is my brand new chapter for you all. I hope you all like it, and as ever, please send me a review to let me know what you think!**_

'So, do you want it any shorter?' Kathy looked up, scissors poised over Olivia's hair.

'Hmm...' Olivia pursed her lips thoughtfully. _Yes. You looked like a badass with short hair._ She grinned to herself. _You're damn right I did._ 'Yes. Shorter.'

'You got it.' Kathy smiled and started cutting again. 'So. Talk to me.'

_Crap._ Olivia shifted uncomfortably and looked away. 'Do I have to?'

Kathy raised her eyebrows at her. 'Yes.'

_Damn._ 'Uh...' _How can I put this without mentioning I've been playing grab-ass with her ex all week?_ 'Well, El took a few days off work to spend with me, you know, after the therapist thing, and that was, you know, really nice...' _Although it would have been even nicer to get five minutes alone once in a while, he followed me everywhere except the bathroom..._

'Oh yeah?' Kathy smiled. 'What did you do?'

_Groped each other. _'We went to the park, went to a couple of galleries...'

'A gallery?' Kathy burst out laughing. 'You actually took El to a gallery?'

'Yes.' Olivia finished off her glass of wine. 'Two.' _And then he kissed me outside the Rodin exhibit. _She smiled to herself. _And in the cafe, and by that weird sculpture, and behind the gift shop... _

'Wow...' Kathy was shaking her head in disbelief. 'I can't believe you actually got El into a gallery...'

Olivia shrugged. 'Well, I minored in Art History at college, and I thought it might be fun to try and explain some of the paintings to him...'

'Yeah?' Kathy raised an eyebrow at her. 'And did he like it?'

'No.' Olivia grinned. 'He sulked the entire way round and glared at the sculptures.' _Not to mention most of the paintings._

Kathy sighed. 'Sounds about right...' She picked up the wine bottle and poured herself a fresh glass. 'Do you want some more wine?'

'Oh God, yes.' Olivia smiled and held up her glass. 'This is my first drink in days, El's such a killjoy like that, and God knows I've had barely five minutes to myself all goddamn week...'

Kathy laughed and picked up the scissors again. 'He's really been keeping you busy, then?'

'Yeah.' Olivia snorted. 'So busy I kept forgetting to take my St John's Wort...' She smiled ruefully and took a gulp of her wine. 'No wonder I've been all shaky and nervous all week, huh?'

'St John's Wort?' Kathy had stopped cutting her hair and was looking at her oddly, her hand tightening on the scissors. 'You're taking St John's Wort?'

Olivia shrugged. 'Well, yeah...' _You know, just in case, it's not like I'm really depressed or anything... _ 'I was having a rough few months and I read that it could help with, you know, low mood, so I figured I'd give it a go...'

'OK.' Kathy was chewing her lip frowning slightly, fiddling absently with the scissors. 'How long have you been taking it for?'

'About a year.' Olivia sighed and drank some more of her wine. 'Not that it seems to be helping much, although I suppose if I feel so rough after a few days without it then maybe it is...' She shrugged. 'I don't know though, I mean, if you're interested in trying it yourself then you should, I've heard it can be quite effective-'

'No, Olivia, I...' Kathy looked concerned. 'Have you mentioned that to your doctor?'

'What, so that she could be nosy about that too?' Olivia snorted. 'Come on.' _It's not like I'm weak or anything, it's just like taking vitamins really... _

'No, Olivia, that's not-'

'Look.' Olivia cut her off. 'I didn't go to Huang to get proper antidepressants, so why should I tell Dr fucking Olivet I'm taking some random plant extract?'

'No, I...' Kathy trailed off. 'Never mind.' She sighed and started trimming her hair again. 'Forget I said anything.'

Olivia felt a twinge of guilt. _Way to attack the one person who actually gives a shit, you moron._ 'I'm sorry, Kathy, but...' She bit her lip. 'Dr Olivet already thinks I'm a wreck, I don't want to give her something else to beat me with...'

'Olivia, she's your therapist. Why does it matter to you what she thinks?'

'Well, because...' Olivia shifted uncomfortably and looked away. 'You know, my job is really important, and I need to be strong and supportive for the people I work with, the people I help, and... and I shouldn't need to drug myself up to do that. I can't drug myself up to do that.' _How can I look them in the eye when I know I can't live with it myself? _'It's just... it just isn't right.'

Kathy sighed. 'Olivia... no one thinks you're weak.'

'Yeah, right.' Olivia rolled her eyes and took another gulp of her wine. 'Sure they don't.' _They all saw the breakdown I had in front of Him._ 'They already think I can't hack it any more, what do you think they'd think if they knew I was depressed?' _Not that I am depressed, of course, but they'll still think that I am._

'Why would they think you couldn't hack it any more?'

_Well, duh._ Olivia rolled her eyes again. 'Because they do.'

'Olivia, I'm sure they don't.'

'Yes they do.' Olivia was suddenly afraid that she was about to cry. _Shit. Shit shit shit. _ 'Even I'm worried about how It might affect me when I go back to work, so God knows what they all think of me...' _How can I work with them knowing that they know everything, that they've seen everything, I just... I just don't know..._

Kathy put down the scissors and looked at her carefully. 'What are you afraid of?'

'That... that I...' Olivia felt her breath catch in her throat. _Shit. Shit shit shit. Olivia, do NOT cry._ She swallowed and took a gulp of her wine. 'That I won't be able to work with the victims as well, that I'll keep making it about me and not be able to think objectively any more, and... and...' She drained her glass. 'And...'

Kathy raised her eyebrows at her. 'And?'

'And...' Olivia's shoulders sagged. _Oh, just tell her._ 'And I don't want them to think I'm weak._' There. Are you happy now?_

Kathy sighed and leaned forwards to refill Olivia's glass. 'Well, if it helps, Olivia, I don't think you're weak.'

'Oh yeah?' Olivia snorted. 'Why not?'

'Well, for one thing, because you got through the statement you had to give six weeks ago just fine.'

Olivia stared at her. 'Kathy, I attacked the defence attorney. I tackled him to the ground and gave him two black eyes.' _And tore his $2500 suit jacket, according to the bill he sent me. _She smiled to herself. _The bill that I immediately sent back with a note telling him exactly where he could put his fancy overpriced suit. _

Kathy shrugged and started to comb through Olivia's hair. 'Yes, but from what El's told me over the years, the guy's an insensitive asshole.'

'Yeah.' Olivia grinned. 'Yeah, he is.'

'Well then.' Kathy shrugged again and turned on the hairdryer. 'I don't see the problem.'

Olivia burst out laughing. 'Jesus, Kathy, how did I never spend any time with you before?' _Besides the fact I was in love with your husband, of course. _

'Because there was never a reason.' Kathy smiled at her. 'Olivia-'

Olivia's phone suddenly started ringing and Kathy clicked off the dryer and grinned. 'I bet that's El checking up on us.'

Olivia glanced at the screen and laughed. 'Yup.' She pressed 'accept' and held the phone to her ear. 'Hey, El.'

'Hi Liv.' She could almost hear him smiling down the phone. 'I just wanted to say I've finished at court, so I'll probably be home in about a half hour or so.' He cleared his throat awkwardly. 'You, uh, having fun with my ex-wife?'

Kathy leaned over Olivia's shoulder. 'Hi, El!'

'Yes.' Olivia winked at Kathy and gave her a thumbs-up. 'She's cutting my hair for me.'

'I know, and I can't wait to see it.' He laughed, and then she heard him hesitate for a minute, a hint of what sounded like concern coming into in his voice. 'Are you two, uh, drinking at all?'

'Yeah.' Olivia snorted. 'Of course we are.' _Jesus, it's like being in high school all over again..._ 'We are grown women, Elliot.'

'Well, I know, but...' She heard him sigh. 'Look, just go easy on it, OK?'

Olivia rolled her eyes at Kathy. 'God, El, it's only wine, you make it sound like we're pounding the fucking vodkas or something!'

'Liv, I...' He sighed again. 'OK. Have fun, Liv.'

Olivia smiled. 'I will.'

'I love you.'

'You too.' Olivia smiled again and hung up. 'He'll be home in a half hour or so.'

'I guess I'd better get this finished up then.' Kathy turned the dryer back on. 'How are things with you and El anyway?'

_Shit._ Olivia was afraid this was coming. 'Well, you know, he's really helping me, looking after me, in a completely platonic way, you know, just friends-'

'Well, he's clearly doing a good job.' Kathy smiled. 'You're looking so much better, Olivia.'

Olivia blinked. 'I am?' _Really?_

'Yes.' Kathy started to fluff her hair with her fingers. 'You look happier, you've got some colour back in your cheeks, you're putting on a bit of weight at last...' She smiled again. 'I'm glad.'

'Me too.' Olivia smiled back. 'I'm feeling a lot better too, you know, more like... well, more like myself.' She bit her lip. 'Does that make any sense?'

'Yes.' Kathy nodded understandingly. 'It does.' She raised an eyebrow at her. 'And how are things with your random barfly?'

_What? Who? _ Olivia frowned. 'My random barfly?'

Kathy rolled her eyes. 'You know, that guy you slept with four months ago.'

'Wha- OH!' Olivia mentally kicked herself. _Nice one, idiot. _'Oh yeah, that guy. My... uh... boyfriend...'

'Oh?' Kathy looked interested. 'He's your boyfriend now?'

Olivia sighed to herself. _Apparently, yes._ 'Yes.' She smiled a little, thinking about how wonderful it felt to hear Elliot tell her that he loved her. 'Yes, he is.'

'That's great.' Kathy gave her a knowing look. 'What's his name?'

_Shit._ 'Uh...' _Think, Olivia, come on._ 'His name is...' Her eyes darted around the room, finally settling on the spice rack. 'Basil. His name is, uh, Basil.' _Basil? Really, Olivia? Fucking Basil?_

Kathy raised her eyebrows at her. 'Basil?'

'Yes.' Olivia could feel herself blushing. 'Basil.'

'Well?' Kathy looked at her expectantly. 'What's he like?'

_Peppery and aromatic. _Olivia squirmed awkwardly in her seat. 'Well, he's, uh... he's nice...' _Wow, that was descriptive._

'Nice.' Kathy looked like she was desperately trying not to burst out laughing. 'OK. So how are things going with... uh... Basil?'

Olivia squirmed awkwardly and took another gulp of her wine. 'They're going OK.' _Oh God, why does she always want to talk about this, why..._

'Just OK?'

'Well, we, uh... well, we kiss, and we hold hands a lot, and... and we cuddle a lot, you know, in bed...' _Shit. No. Not in bed._ 'I mean, in the park. We cuddle a lot in the park.' _Smooth._

'Well, that definitely sounds like fun.' Kathy smiled a little. 'Anything else?'

'Well...' Olivia shifted uncomfortably. 'Well, about two weeks ago I... he...' _Jesus, are you seriously going to tell her about this, Olivia?_ 'We went to bed, and I...'

Kathy glanced up and raised an eyebrow at her. 'Did you have sex?'

_Ew._ Olivia grimaced. 'No, of course not.'

'OK.' Kathy put down the dryer for a second and took a deep swig of her wine. 'What happened?'

Olivia started to pick nervously at her fingernails. 'Well... I took my top off, and then he took his top off, and we kissed for a while, and then...' _And then I rejected him like the selfish little prick-tease I am._ 'And then we went to sleep.'

'OK.' Kathy picked up the dryer again and started to fluff her hair. 'Where was this?'

_What? _Olivia gave her a strange look. _Where the hell do you think? _ 'Here.' _No. Not here. Shit. Fuck. Idiot. _'I mean-'

Kathy grinned. 'Here? Where was El?'

_Fuck._ 'He was... uh... out.' Olivia had a sudden flash of inspiration. 'He was playing baseball.' _Baseball? Fucking baseball? That's the best you could come up with? _'Uh, I mean-'

'Baseball?' Kathy snorted with laughter. 'Really? El?'

_Shit. Run with it. _'Yes. Baseball.' Olivia felt herself turning bright red. 'With, uh, Casey.' She hesitated. 'Who, you know, really likes baseball.' _Well said._

'Wow.' Kathy was biting her lip, still clearly trying not to laugh. 'I didn't know El played baseball...'

Olivia sighed. _Yeah, that's probably because he doesn't._ 'Well.' She drew herself up to her full height. 'He does.' _And I'd like to see you try and prove otherwise._

'Well I never.' Kathy smiled and clicked off the dryer, starting to apply the finishing spray to Olivia's hair as she ruffled it with her fingers. 'So. Did you enjoy it?'

'It was... well, it was nice.' Olivia paused thoughtfully. 'It felt good, you know, except...' She stopped. _Now, Olivia, is the time to shut the fuck up_. 'No. It was good. It was really good.' _At least until I fucked it up._

Kathy sighed and picked up the styling spray. 'Except what, Olivia?'

'Uh...' Olivia stared at the floor, squirming uncomfortably in her seat as she took another gulp of her wine, draining the glass. _You brought this on yourself, you idiot. _ 'Well, I told him to, you know... touch me... THERE...'

'And what happened?'

_I rejected him._ 'I...' Olivia bit her lip. _I failed._ 'I... I couldn't do it.' She looked down at her knees, fidgeting with the soft jersey of her sweatpants. 'I tried to, and I wanted to, but I couldn't do it.'

Kathy gave her an understanding look. 'And now you're scared that you'll never be able to do it again?'

_Damn her._ Olivia sighed again. 'Yes.'

'Olivia, I know that you're not good at this, but you have to give it time.' Kathy finished styling Olivia's hair and took a sip of her wine. 'Keep trying until you feel comfortable with it, because you will.'

Olivia looked at her doubtfully. 'Really?'

'Yes. Really.' Kathy smiled, and then there was the sound of a key in the door. 'Ah. I think that's my cue to leave.' She gestured at the mirror in front of them. 'What do you think?'

'I really like it, Kathy.' Olivia smiled, brushing her fingertips through the tousled layers of her new cropped hairstyle. _Wow,_ _I actually look like me again, I FEEL like me again..._ 'It's wonderful.'

Kathy smiled again. 'I'm glad.' She looked up and grinned. 'What do you think of her new look, El?'

'Wow, Olivia, I...' Elliot trailed off, shaking his head in disbelief as he closed the door behind him. 'Olivia, you look...' He smiled, biting his lip. 'You look absolutely beautiful.'

Olivia chewed nervously on her lip. 'Really?'

He smiled again and hugged her tightly. 'Really.' He paused thoughtfully. 'You know what? I think we should go out.'

_What?_ Olivia blinked. 'Out?'

'Yes. Out.' He smiled at her. 'You can't go wasting that stylish new look of yours on just me, can you?'

_But..._ Olivia hesitated. _But I've not really been out, you know OUT out, since... since..._ 'Are you sure?'

'Yes.' He took her hand and squeezed it. 'Come on, we'll go to Grimaldi's. Best pizza in Brooklyn.'

'OK.' Olivia managed a shy smile. 'That sounds nice.' _Shit, am I about to cry again? _She swallowed awkwardly. _Really, Olivia? Again?_ 'I'll just, uh, go and change out of my sweatpants.'

'OK, Liv.' Elliot watched her disappear down the hall before he turned to Kathy and smiled. 'Thank you, Kath.'

Kathy smiled back and put her hand on his shoulder. 'That's OK, El, but I didn't do it for you.' She grabbed her bag and gave him a quick kiss on the cheek. 'You look after her, OK?'

Elliot hugged her. 'I will.'

_**A/N: So, what did you think? Please send me a review and let me know!**_


	22. Chapter 22

**_A/N: So, as ever, I was writing my usual long, long author's note, after a day of frantically trying to finish this chapter in between being cussed out by my asshole tutor, because God knows I think we could all use a boost right now, and... Opera crashed. AGAIN. I mean, come on, I do love Opera (earlier I installed an extension which changes the word 'leopard' to 'leopard', which is far more awesome than it has any right to be) but it doesn't seem to get on well with this site. Oh well. Anyway... apologies for not having my usual long rambling note, because I'm too damn tired to type it all out again, but thank you for all your wonderful reviews, I hope you like this chapter, and please send me a review to let me know what you think!_**

**_EXTRA NOTE: Because the site is cracking down on - ahem - smut, I have been forced to edit this chapter pretty massively. I'm going to try and rewrite the ones I'm going to be editing, but in the meantime there'll be a big gap. _**

**_Also, if you want to read the original unedited version, send me a quick review saying so and I will get on it for you!_**

'I can't believe you left your credit card here...' Olivia smiled and kissed the side of Elliot's face, tightening her arms around his neck as he carried her towards his apartment. 'I swear I thought that waiter was about to kill you when we told him...'

'Well, it's lucky you were there to wait while I ran to the ATM then, wasn't it?' Elliot grinned and hugged her tighter, leaning in to kiss her as he opened the door. 'And if it helps, I still can't believe you ate almost two whole pizzas by yourself.' _Or that I had to order another one because you'd already eaten most of mine._

'And the ice cream, El.' Olivia laughed and kissed him. 'Don't forget that giant ice cream...'

Elliot smiled. 'Never.' _I thought when you ordered a sharing dessert that you were actually planning on sharing it._ He sighed to himself. _I knew I should have ordered that cake. _'Or the fact that you wore such impractical heels that I've had to carry you home from the restaurant...'

'Oh, stop complaining.' Olivia grinned, stroking the back of his neck as he laid her down on their bed and sat beside her. 'Anyway, you said you liked my heels...'

Elliot smiled, lay down next to her and kissed her, propping himself up on his elbow and looking down at her face as he stroked her hair. 'I never said I didn't.' _I'm so glad you're getting your old confidence back again._ 'All I said was that they were impractical...'

Olivia shrugged. 'Well, I suppose that's fair.' She smiled and stroked the side of his face. 'Thank you for taking me out tonight, El. I had a really nice time.'

'Me too.' Elliot leaned down and kissed her, brushing her hair back off her forehead. 'You're so beautiful, Olivia...'

Olivia smiled again. 'Really?'

'Yes.' Elliot leaned in and pressed his lips gently against hers. 'Really.' He smiled and brushed his fingertips across the side of her face. 'I love you, Liv.'

_I love you too._ 'El, I...' Olivia trailed off and looked away, chewing uncertainly on her lip. 'I... well, I...' _Oh God, how do I put this..._

Elliot felt a tinge of unease. _Uh oh._ 'Liv?' He stroked her cheek. 'Are you OK?' _What did I do this time?_

'El... um...' Olivia took a deep breath, fidgeting nervously with the lapel of Elliot's jacket. 'El, I... uh...' _Shit._ 'Uh...'

Elliot smiled and kissed her, stroking her hair reassuringly. 'What is it, Liv?'

'El, I...' Olivia swallowed. _Say it say it say it say it say it NOW- _She cleared her throat and forced herself to look him in the eye, taking his hand in hers. 'El, I want you to make me come.'

_What?_ Elliot blinked. 'Uh, Liv...'

Olivia stretched up to kiss him again. 'Please, El.' She stroked the side of his face. 'I think I'm ready.' _No. No, I know I am._

'Liv...' Elliot hesitated, biting his lip. _She knows what she wants, Elliot, and you know she's not going to back down. _ He sighed to himself. _Yes, I do._ 'OK, Liv.' He smiled at her, leaned in and kissed her. 'But the second you want to stop, you tell me, OK?'

'I will.' She smiled and squeezed his hand. 'But I won't want to.' _After all, it's not that terrifying, right? Right?_

Elliot shifted awkwardly. 'OK...uh... well... that's good, I guess...' _Wow, Elliot. That's really seductive._ He sighed. _I know, but... _He bit his lip. _Oh God, where the hell am I meant to start?_ 'Well, do you, uh... do you want me to, you know, take your dress off?'

Olivia's breath caught in her throat. _- _'NO!' She saw the worried look on Elliot's face and mentally kicked herself. _Calm down, calm down, don't scare him away..._ 'No, I want to keep it on. You know, for now.' She forced a smile. 'And you really need to work on your sexy talk, El.'

Elliot smiled to himself. _That's my girl._ 'I'll keep that in mind, Liv...'

'Good.' Olivia looked up at him, hesitating for a second, and then she smiled and stroked the side of his face, raising her eyebrows expectantly. 'Go on, then. Don't keep me waiting.' _I'm not going to change my mind just because you keep stalling me._

Elliot laughed softly. 'Never...' _For one thing, I've been looking forward to this for what seems like forever._ He took a deep breath, leaned in and kissed her, cradling the side of her face and lightly resting his other hand on her leg, stroking her knee with his thumb and watching her closely. 'Is that OK?'

Olivia smiled and kissed him. 'Yes, El, it is.' She wrapped her arms around his back and pulled him in close, pressing her lips firmly against his as she felt his hand start to move up her leg. 'Kiss me, El, kiss me...'

'Oh, Olivia...' Elliot started to kiss her harder, savouring the taste of her lips on his as he slowly slid his hand up her inner thigh and under her dress, tracing his fingertips across her bare skin. 'Olivia, you're so beautiful...'

_It's El, it's El, it's El, it's El..._ Olivia buried her face in the side of Elliot's neck, breathing in his reassuringly familiar smell as he started to brush his thumb around the lace edges of her underwear, running his fingers across the soft cotton fabric and murmuring her name into her ear. _It's El, it's El, it's El, it's El..._

'It's me, Liv, it's me...' Elliot started to kiss the side of her face, breathing into her ear as he finally slid his hand inside her underwear. 'It's OK, Liv, it's me...'

* * *

><p>cut<p>

* * *

><p>He leaned down and kissed her, smoothing her sweaty fringe back off her face. 'Was that good?'<p>

'Oh... El...' Olivia blinked, sprawled untidily across the bed with her dress tangled up around her waist and soaked with sweat, the last aftershocks still pulsing steadily through her body. 'El...' She felt him stroke her cheek and she looked up at him and smiled again, pulling him down to kiss her. 'Thank you, El, thank you...' She hugged him tightly, burying her face in the side of his neck. 'Thank you...'

_**A/N: Edit aside, did you still like it? Please send me a review and let me know!**_


	23. Chapter 23

_**A/N: So, once again with record speed, it's more Heritage! This story seems to have taken on kind of a life of its own - I think it's because I'm so psyched to get the next few chapters. Anyway. There's more therapist this week, which may be a good or bad thing depending on your opinion of Dr Olivet... but it has some new insights that I hope you find interesting. Thank you all so much for your reviews, especially EdibleSlaw - you are the reason why I spent the whole day yesterday writing this out, and I hope you enjoy it. Anyway... please give it a read and send me a review to let me know what you think! **_

_**Hailey, you're always one of my favourite reviewers as well as one of my favourite people in the whole wide world... and yeah, I couldn't see either of them being particularly good at sexy talk, ESPECIALLY with each other. For one thing, Olivia's far too straightforward, and for another they've been so close for so long that it'd probably seem weird to suddenly be trying to talk dirty. At least, I think I'd find it weird, but maybe that's just me. **_

_**SVUandBonesAddict, I bet you're really psyched for tomorrow's new episode with the baby! Given the genes it will have, that kid is going to be freaking ADORABLE. Anyway, thanks for your review, and yes... that is quite the achievement. **_

_**Amber77, yeah, it seems likely. He's such a good guy though :) Now I just need to find myself my own Elliot (as my name's already Olivia, I'm sort of halfway there, right?) **_

_**Ren Victoria, I agree, it is about time. Hopefully having had that experience will eventually help her realise that what happened with Jon was in no way related to her enjoying anything. **_

_**SteffieDawn, I know, there need to be more Elliots in this world... and I'm really happy that the realism of it is something you like, because sometimes I do worry that it can be a little too dark. In my view though anything like is going to be dark, so I don't let that stop me. **_

_**courtneylovejason, I'm glad you liked it! **_

_**inspirationimagination, don't worry, I am perfectly fine with your sounding like a broken record (except you don't, because you always tailor your reviews so well to the chapter and put so much thought into them, which I LOVE.) I figured he'd be trying to reassure her the whole time because she'd been so scared before, and as for the dessert... yeah. I couldn't really see Liv being much of a sharer when it comes to food. She's not exactly the type to sit there with an ice cream sundae and two spoons. She ordered that thing, she's damn well going to eat it herself... **_

_**PiperOnlyFanFic, I'm sorry I didn't take my time, but... I hope this chapter is good enough to make up for it!**_

_** So, note over, Opera didn't crash (yet), and I hope you all like this chapter - and as ever, please send me a review to let me know what you think, because it really makes my day (and thanks again, EdibleSlaw, you're awesome.)**_

'It's wonderful to see you here again, Olivia.' Dr Olivet smiled.

'Uh, thanks.' Olivia smiled uncomfortably, fidgeting with a rip in the fabric of her chair. 'Did you, uh, want to get started now?' _Because I really fucking hate small talk. _

'After almost three months, I was beginning to wonder if you were coming back at all.'

'Well, I did.' Olivia rolled her eyes. 'Did you want to get started now?'

'Is there any particular reason you chose to come back?'

_Oh, for the love of..._ Olivia sighed. _I know El's paying you $300 an hour, but you don't have to stretch every fucking minute out like this._ She gritted her teeth. 'No, I just thought you wanted me to, that's all, but if I was wrong, then-'

'Do you often do that, Olivia?'

_What, fantasise about how great it might feel to throw a shrink out of a 20 story window? _ 'Do I often do what?'

'Do what you think others want rather than what you'd choose to do yourself.'

_What the-_ 'I...' Olivia felt an odd pang of unease. 'No, I didn't say that.' _Did I?_

Dr Olivet smiled patiently. 'Yes, Olivia, you did. You said that you thought I wanted you to come back, and that that was why you did.'

_Fuck you._ Olivia bristled. 'So?'

'Well, if you don't want to be here, Olivia, we might as well stop now, because I'm not going to waste your time or mine trying to make you do something you don't want to.' Dr Olivet raised her eyebrows and nodded towards the door.

_Damn her..._ 'Fine.' Olivia rolled her eyes again. 'I do want to be here. I came back because I wanted to. Are you happy now?'

'Why do you think admitting that to yourself has made you so angry?'

_Fucksake. _Olivia clenched her fists. 'I wasn't 'admitting' anything to myself.' Her eyes narrowed dangerously. 'And I'm not angry.'

'You seem angry.'

_Well, then maybe you should stop being such a bitch._ 'Well, I'm not.' _So there._

There was a brief silence, and then Dr Olivet cleared her throat. 'OK, Olivia. What would you like to talk about today?'

_How the hell should I know?_ 'Well, you know...' Olivia shrugged. 'Stuff.'

Dr Olivet raised an eyebrow at her. 'Stuff?'

'Yes.' Olivia gave her a dirty look. 'Stuff.'

'Any particular kind of stuff?'

Olivia rolled her eyes. 'Hey, you're the shrink.' _Start paying me $300 an hour to be here and maybe then I'd be willing to bother to come up with this kind of shit for you._

'Olivia, I'm not a 'shrink.''

'Oh yeah?' Olivia snorted. 'Then what the hell are you?'

'I'm here to help you, Olivia.'

_Fuck that. _Olivia crossed her arms and sat back in her seat, glaring at her knees.

Dr Olivet cleared her throat. 'OK, Olivia.' She smiled patiently. 'Did you want to start with your drinking?'

_What the fuck?_ Olivia's head jerked up. _Where the hell did that come from? _'What the fuck do you mean, my drinking? There's no 'my' drinking!'

'Did Elliot tell you that he called me two weeks ago for my advice?'

'He- what? No!'

'Well, he did.'

_Damn him, damn him, damn him..._ Olivia took a deep breath, forcing down a rising sense of irritation. _Damn him, damn him, damn him, damn him..._ 'I'm sorry, but I don't know why he did that.' _But I'm sure as hell still going to make sure he pays for it later._

'He did it because he was worried about you, Olivia. He says you're drinking too much. He says that he's afraid for you.'

_Oh, for the love of..._ 'Look.' Olivia sighed to herself and leaned forwards, lowering her voice. 'The thing with Elliot is... well, he hates telling anyone about this, but his mother was an alcoholic, among other things, and it really messed him up.'

'And?'

_What do you mean, 'and'? You're the fucking shrink, not me!_ Olivia rolled her eyes. 'And, I think he must be projecting into me or something, because I am definitely not one. His mother was the alcoholic, not me.' She forced a laugh. 'You know what these Irishmen are like, all mommy's boys...'

Dr Olivet ignored her. 'Do you drink often, Olivia?'

_Who doesn't?_ 'No, not that often.'

'Weekly? Daily? More than once a day?'

_Well, I'm not a fucking Quaker, if that's what you mean._ 'Maybe a few drinks in the evening...' Olivia saw a brief look flash across Dr Olivet's face and immediately bristled. 'What? It's just wine, it's not like I'm drinking bottles of spirits or anything, I mean, yes, I have some whisky or vodka or whatever SOMETIMES but not always, it's all just wine, and so what if sometimes I have a glass or two during the day too, I mean, isn't it healthier to spread it out rather than drinking it all in a massive binge?' She threw up her hands in exasperation, and then suddenly burst out laughing. 'I mean, come on, what, do you think I have a drinking problem or something?'

Dr Olivet sighed. 'Do you think you have a drinking problem, Olivia?'

Olivia's eyes narrowed dangerously. _Of course I fucking don't._ 'No, but I also don't know why you have to keep going on at me just because El never bothered to read Freud!'

Dr Olivet sat back in her chair again, scribbling something down on her notepad. 'Do you ever drink alone, Olivia?'

Olivia sat back in her chair and crossed her arms tightly in front of her. 'Not always.'

'So you sometimes do.'

'Well, yeah, because El doesn't drink, not any more, he says he wouldn't feel like he'd be able to protect me if he'd been drinking...' She smiled. 'He's always thinking of me...'

'Why do you think that is?'

Olivia stared. _Duh._ 'Because he loves me.'

'He loves you?'

Olivia felt a surge of impatience. 'Yes, he loves me!'

Dr Olivet raised her eyebrows at her. 'So he doesn't just say that he loves you.'

Olivia's jaw dropped. 'No!' _What the fuck is wrong with you?_ 'He doesn't just say he loves me, I mean, he does, but he says it because he does, he does love me!'

'I believe you, Olivia.'

'Then why would you keep asking me if he did or not?' _Did he tell you something? Oh God, did he tell you when he phoned that he didn't love me? No, no, he wouldn't, he wouldn't, he does, he does love me..._ Olivia felt a sudden rush of panic. 'I told you before, HE LOVES ME!'

Dr Olivet sighed. 'I know he does, Olivia, but I just wanted to see if you truly believed it yourself because the last time I saw you, you didn't.'

Olivia stared at her open-mouthed. 'Didn't... didn't I?' _But he's always loved me, I know that, I've always known that..._

'No, Olivia, you didn't.' Dr Olivet smiled a little. 'Has much else changed since then?'

Olivia frowned. 'Like what?' _I haven't married him or anything, if that's what you mean._

'Well, you told me before about how much you wanted to make love to him.'

_Oh yes._ Olivia felt herself blush bright red. _That._ 'OK, so maybe I did.'

'And how's that going?'

_Nosy bitch._ Olivia rolled her eyes. 'Well, I still haven't been able to make love to him, if that's what you mean.' _And believe me, I've tried._

'And how do you feel about that?'

'I... I feel...' Olivia hesitated. _I feel like a failure, I feel like a selfish prick-tease, I feel like a stupid weak little girl who's scared of sex-_ She took a deep breath. 'I feel like at least I'm trying.'

'But that's not good enough?'

_What? _Olivia's jaw dropped. 'Of course it's fucking good enough!' _What the hell is wrong with you?_

'Olivia-'

Olivia didn't seem to hear her. 'Because I'm trying, OK, I am, I mean, do you want me to suddenly be good to go all day every day, no problems at all, because that is not going to happen, OK?'

'Olivia-'

'What are you saying, just because I can't do that, I'm a failure? Because I can't hop in and out of bed to fuck the day away without turning a hair I'm not good enough for him?'

Dr Olivet sighed. 'Olivia, I didn't say that.'

_Bitch bitch bitch bitch BITCH!_ 'YES! YES YOU DID!'

Dr Olivet smiled patiently. 'No, Olivia, you did.'

'No, I...' _Shit. OK._ Olivia fidgeted with the knees of her sweatpants. _Quick. Change the subject. She's obviously a sex fiend, so just work with that._ 'OK, so we might not have actually properly made love yet, but that doesn't mean we won't.'

'I never said that it did.'

_Enough._ Olivia felt something inside her snap. 'Can you just quit with the goddamn mind games for a second?' _Can't you see that I'm trying?_

Dr Olivet frowned a little. 'Mind games?'

'Yes, trying to trick me into thinking I'm not happy, that I'm not better, because I am, really, I am!' She suddenly had a flash of inspiration. 'A few weeks ago I had a fucking ORGASM, did you know that?' _Because that's definitely the kind of shit you would know, you seem to know fucking everything..._

Dr Olivet's eyebrows shot up. 'Really? Elliot gave you an orgasm?'

_No, the fucking Pope did._ Olivia felt a twinge of irritation. 'Yes. Yes, he did.'

'What happened?'

_Nosy bitch._ 'Uh...' _Lie._ 'I don't remember.'

Dr Olivet gave her a look. 'How long ago was this, Olivia?'

_Six weeks and three days._ 'Uh... I'm not sure, I'd have to check my diary...' _Why, because you've got 'get fingered by boyfriend' scheduled in between 'spend the day on the couch watching Oprah' and 'cry in the shower for three hours while home alone'? _ 'It was about six weeks ago. Ish.' Olivia squirmed in her seat. 'I can't be sure.'

'Did you enjoy it?'

Olivia rolled her eyes. 'I came, of course I enjoyed it.'

'An orgasm doesn't necessarily denote enjoyment, Olivia.'

Olivia felt a sudden flash of panic. 'I know!' _You don't think I've told myself that over and over and over since... It... happened?_

'Do you?'

_No._ Olivia forced a smile. 'Yes. Yes, I do.'

'OK, so, orgasm aside - did you enjoy it?'

'Yes.' Olivia finally smiled a little. 'Yes, I did.'

'Why?'

'Because... because he... he...' Olivia bit her lip. 'Because he just makes me so happy...'

'He does?'

Olivia smiled again. 'Yes, he does.'

'And are you happy?'

Olivia sighed to herself. _God, she just never lets up, does she?_ 'Yes, can't you tell?' _You'd think that a shrink would be better at shit like this._

'I can tell that you certainly seem to be acting happier.'

_Duh._ 'Yes, and that's because I am.'

'Are you?'

Olivia rolled her eyes. 'Come on, you know I am, you just said I was.' _Do we really have to do this every fucking time? I mean, I know you're paid by the hour, but this is fucking ridiculous..._

Dr Olivet smiled patiently. 'No, Olivia, what I said was that you were acting happier, not that you were actually happier.'

Olivia blinked. 'No. No, you did, you said I was happier.' _Double dealing sneaky underhanded bitch, trying to pull this shit on me..._ 'Why don't you want me to be happy?' _What did I ever do to you?_

'Olivia, all I asked was whether you were happy or not.'

'Well, yeah, of course I am, I mean, look at all these pictures!' Olivia rummaged around in her bag and pulled out a thick stack of photographs. 'Me and El went out with Alex for the day to Coney Island and she took all these pictures of us, see, there we are on the boardwalk, and on the rollercoaster, and here's us on the beach, don't we look happy?'

Dr Olivet looked at her with interest. 'Do you always carry those around with you, Olivia?'

_Yes._ 'No, I just got them printed.' _Three weeks ago._ 'And see, look, we went on the Big Wheel!' She shoved the mass of photographs into Dr Olivet's hands. 'See, we look really happy!'

Dr Olivet sighed, slowly flicking through the photographs. 'Olivia, the funny thing about photographs is that everyone looks happy in them.'

Olivia snorted. 'No they don't.' _Those starving orphans in Newsweek certainly didn't look very happy. _ 'Don't be stupid.'

'Yes they do, everyone's learned to smile for the camera, however they really feel.' Dr Olivet smiled sadly at her and handed back the photos. 'Olivia, there's no point carrying a stack of photographs around with you to try and prove to yourself that you're happy when deep down you know that you're not.'

'No.' Olivia shook her head, clutching the photographs protectively against her chest. 'No, I am happy.' _Why are you doing this to me? _

'Are you sure?'

'Of course I'm sure!' Olivia laughed bitterly. 'I've got a wonderful boyfriend, a great job, amazing friends - why wouldn't I be happy?'

'Olivia, being unhappy is not something you should feel ashamed of.'

'No, you don't get it, I'm not unhappy! I'm better now!' _Why won't you just believe me?_

'You're better now?'

Olivia nodded frantically, trying desperately to keep the panic out of her voice. 'YES! I'm better now!' _Stop trying to break me again!_

'Olivia...' Dr Olivet sighed again. 'If you really think that you're better, then why did you come here today?'

'I... I...' Olivia felt a fresh surge of panic. 'No! No, I am better! I'm going out more, I don't have nightmares as much, I'm eating again and everyone says I've put a ton of weight back on, I mean, any more and I'll be too big for El's sweatpants, right? Right?' She forced an awkward laugh. 'And look, I had my hair cut, can't you see, I'm me again, I'm better!'

'Olivia, you were always you. What happened to you didn't change who you were.'

Olivia rolled her eyes. 'Yeah, right.' _I would never have let what that stupid bitch let happen to her happen to me._

'Olivia, you know that you didn't choose to let anything happen to you.'

Olivia was suddenly filled with rage. _FOR GOD'S SAKE GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY HEAD-_ 'NO! I CAME! I LOVED IT!

'What, Olivia?' Dr Olivet sighed and leaned forwards. 'What did you love?'

'WHEN I CAME! I CAME BECAUSE I LOVED IT!'

Dr Olivet smiled gently at her. 'Yes, Olivia, but when?'

'I...' _Shit._ 'I...' _Shit shit shit. NO._ Olivia swallowed awkwardly. 'I don't know what you mean.' _Now fuck off._

Dr Olivet raised an eyebrow at her. 'Don't you?"

There was a long, uncomfortable silence, and then Olivia suddenly heard her phone start to ring and almost cried with relief_. Thank God, thank God... _She pulled it out of her bag, giving Dr Olivet what she hoped was a vaguely apologetic look. _I win, you nosy bitch._ 'Benson.'

'Hey, Liv.' It was Fin. 'Do you remember the Hennedy case?'

'Nice to hear from you too, Fin.' Olivia rolled her eyes. 'Of course I do, why?'

'Well, that guy you collared for it just got sent down for 25 to life.'

_What?_ Olivia's jaw dropped. 'Really?' _I didn't even know his trial had started..._

'Yup.' She heard him laugh. 'Alex really handed his ass to him in court, Liv, I wish you coulda seen it.'

'Yeah.' Olivia bit her lip. 'Me too...' _Why didn't I know about something that important?_

She heard Fin sigh. 'Oh man, I'm sorry, Liv, I didn't think, I mean, Elliot told us not to bother you with any work stuff...'

_Oh, he did, did he? _Olivia felt a sudden burst of irritation. 'Well, he shouldn't have.'

'Oh come on, Liv, it's not like that-'

Olivia cut him off. 'What are you calling me for, Fin?'

'Uh...' She heard him hesitate. 'Well, a bunch of us are going out to celebrate the win, and I wondered if you wanted to come with us, seeing as you're the one who collared the creep, but if you don't want to then-'

'I do.' Olivia took a deep breath. 'I do want to. Where are you going?'

'Well, nowhere special, I mean, just a couple of bars...'

Olivia swallowed. 'Bars?' _Oh God, you know what Elliot's going to be like about that, he's always such a pain in the ass about my having any kind of life outside of that I spend with him..._

'Yeah, Liv, bars. Is that a problem?'

Olivia sighed to herself. _Well, Elliot will certainly think so._ 'Uh...' _Come on, Olivia. You know that if you go, you'll never hear the end of it. Is one trip out worth days and days of sulking and barbed comments?_ 'Yes, but...' _No. He doesn't own me. If he doesn't like the idea of me going out for a couple of drinks after work with my friends then he needs to get the fuck over himself._ 'Yes, Fin. Yes, I would. Shall I come meet you at the precinct?'

'Sure, Liv, I'll see you soon.'

'Great. Bye.' Olivia snapped her phone closed, smiling to herself, and then suddenly realised Dr Olivet was looking at her. _Fantastic._ 'What's your problem?'

'I don't have a problem, Olivia.'

'What, shouldn't I get to go out for a few drinks to celebrate a case I did a damn good job on, a case I solved and another girl's life I helped her start to get back, just because goddamn Elliot wouldn't like it?' _And I get quite enough of his crap at home without having to come and get it from you too._

'I don't know, Olivia. Should you?'

'Oh, for fuck's sake.' Olivia rolled her eyes and stood up, slinging her bag back over her shoulder. 'One evening out won't kill me, and Elliot needs to get the fuck over himself and stop being so damn possessive.'

Dr Olivet just looked at her. 'You don't need to justify anything to me, Olivia.'

Olivia opened her mouth to say something, stopped, and then turned and left the room, slamming the door shut behind her.

_**A/N: So,what did you think? Did you like it? Please send me a review and let me know!**_


	24. Chapter 24

_**A/N: Yes, once again, it's more Heritage! What can I say, lately this story seems to have really taken root in my brain. It's a bit of a step back this week (well, actually, it's one hell of a step back) but I hope you all like it anyway. You'll all be happy (I hope?) to know that I'm going to be updating this again very soon, most likely over the weekend, with a burst of short chapters, so you've got that to look forward to as well. In the meantime, I hope you enjoy this one, and please send me a review and let me know what you think! **_

_**SteffieDawn, you are correct, shrinks can be a real pain in the ass, especially the ones who think they are God's gift. Yeah, Elliot was a bit sneaky, and I'd probably want to give him a good slap for that if I was her, even if he is doing what he thinks is best. **_

_**EdibleSlaw, that was one badass review. Thanks :) **_

_**inspirationimagination, thank you, you're so lovely :) I'm so glad you thought I wrote the therapist well because the whole chapter is kind of hung off what she's saying, if that makes any sense (it's 10am here and I am not at my most eloquent.) **_

_**Hailey, once again you are my awesome proofreader and sounding (ranting) board while I'm writing, and for this you are AWESOME. And yeah, Liv in no way checks her stubbornness at the door. For one thing, she hates feeling vulnerable so she'll tend to fight off any attempts by Olivet to get her to admit to something she doesn't want to, whether she chose to go back or not... **_

_**SVUandBonesAddict, that child was adorable and TOTALLY worth the wait the show put us through for those two to get it together. Now the producers of Bones just need to invite the producers for SVU over for dinner and have a talk with them... **_

_**courtneylovejason, I'm happy you like the internal thoughts, and yes - Elliot is most definitely going to be pissed. **_

_**Ren Victoria, yes, it would have been. It's going to be interesting for all concerned when Olivia finally lets rip about everything she's been feeling rather than just blocking it out. **_

_**gemfinder360, I'm so glad you're happy about that! I once named a case after my housemate and she was kinda pissed :( And I'm really, REALLY happy you liked the chapter. I hope you like this one too, even if it is rather different from the last few... **_

_**PiperOnlyFanFic, thank you so much for your review, it was awesome! **_

_**Anyway, the huge note is once again over, so I hope you like this chapter and please send me a review to let me know what you think!**_

Olivia opened her eyes.

_HOLY FUCKING CHRIST-_

She felt a searing pain flash through her head and immediately squeezed her eyes shut again, barely stifling a whimper.

_What the hell happened?_

_Did I have an accident?_

_Am I hurt?_

_My... my head hurts._

_Oh God, my head hurts..._

She gingerly raised her hand up to her forehead, frowning as she realised she could feel layers of gauze and tape under her fingers.

_Jesus..._

_Where am I?_

She opened her eyes a little again, trying to focus through the odd blur that seemed to have settled in front of her vision.

_It looks like El's room._

She breathed a sigh of relief.

_Oh, thank God, I'm in El's room..._

_Yeah, because there aren't a million other bedrooms with off-white walls and cheap Ikea furniture in New York._

_But... _Olivia felt a twinge of unease. _But it has to be El's room..._

_Except-_

Her eyes widened.

_This isn't El's bedlinen._

_Oh my God, this isn't El's bedlinen..._

Elliot had some plain cotton sheets from Target or somewhere, nothing fancy, but definitely nicer than the rough tartan blanket she was lying under now, not to mention the plastic bags she was lying on...

_Oh my God._

Her stomach lurched.

_Oh God, oh my God, oh Jesus, oh no..._

_No, Olivia. Stay calm. Don't panic. It's fine._

She took a few deep breaths.

_It's fine, it's fine, it's fine..._

She shifted uncomfortably, the plastic trash bags rustling beneath her and sticking to her bare skin-

_Hang on_.

Olivia's blood ran cold.

_Where are my clothes?_

_WHERE THE FUCK ARE MY CLOTHES?_

She felt her lip start to tremble.

_Did... did someone hurt me?_

_OH GOD, DID SOMEONE HURT ME?_

_No, Olivia, no, if someone had hurt you you'd remember, you'd have to remember-_

_Wait._

She felt her stomach turn over.

_Rohypnol._

_GHB._

_Oh Jesus, oh Jesus, oh Jesus..._ Olivia felt tears start to stream down her face and she clutched the rough blanket closer around her body, trying not to think about who must have touched it, who must have touched her...

_No, not again, not again..._

Suddenly she heard someone clear his throat and she froze.

_Oh Jesus, who's that, who is that, oh my God, it's the man who's abducted me, he's going to rape and kill me, I know he is..._

_You don't know that, say something, maybe he wants to help you._

She swallowed awkwardly. 'Hel... hello?' _Please don't kill me, please, please don't kill me... _'Who's there?'

He snorted. 'You're awake then.'

Olivia smiled a little, feeling a burst of relief. _Oh, oh thank God, it's... it's... _ 'El...' _It's El, he's here, he'll make it better, he'll protect you... _ 'El, what happened...'

'I brought you some water.' Elliot set a glass down on the nightstand. 'Drink it.'

_What?_ Olivia frowned in confusion. _Why is he being... why is he being so-_ 'El, I-'

Elliot ignored her. 'I'm going to go do some paperwork for a case at the kitchen table.' He nodded at the door. 'You can come if you want, but you'd probably rather stay here.'

_What? _ 'El...' Olivia opened her eyes a little and reached out for him. 'El, no, help me...' _Why are you doing this, can't you see that I'm hurt, can't you see that somebody's hurt me..._

Elliot sighed and turned away. 'Help yourself.'

_What? _Olivia blinked in surprise. _No, no, where's he going..._ 'El?' She forced herself upright, barely noticing the blankets slipping down to her waist and exposing her torn, stained bra and bruised abdomen. 'El, where are you going?'

He ignored her, pausing only to close the door behind him with a sharp click.

_What... what..._

_No. No, he hasn't. He wouldn't._

'El?' Olivia felt a rush of panic. 'EL?' _No, no, no, no, no... _'EL, COME BACK!' _Come back, come back, come back, oh God, please come back... _'EL!'

_Calm down, Olivia, he'll come back, you know that, he always does, he has to..._

He didn't.

_Oh my God..._

Olivia felt like she was going to throw up.

_What just happened?_

_He left you, Olivia. That's what happened._

_But..._ Olivia bit her lip and lay back down, fighting back tears. _Why, why did he leave me, I thought he loved me..._

_He does love you._

_Then why is he doing this to me?_

_You know why._

_No, no, I don't, I really don't..._

_You do, Olivia._

_But... but..._

_I don't..._

Suddenly she heard the door opening again and her eyes snapped open. 'El?'

'Hi, Olivia.' Elliot was standing awkwardly beside the door, holding a large, clinking trash bag in one hand. 'Olivia, we need to talk.'

'El...' Olivia reached out for him, wondering why he didn't just put the bag down and sit on the bed with her. 'El, what happened, was I...' She felt her voice catch in her throat and she stopped, forcing herself to stay calm. 'El, was... was I attacked, you can tell me, El, I swear I can take it...' _I can, I know I can, as long as you're here I can take anything..._

'Attacked?' A look of irritation crossed Elliot's face and he laughed bitterly, dropping the trash bag beside the bed. 'For God's sake, Olivia, you weren't attacked, you weren't abducted, you weren't assaulted, you weren't raped, you were DRUNK.'

_What? _Olivia frowned. _What the hell is he talking about?_ 'No, no, El, I wasn't, I know I wasn't, I only had a couple of drinks, and anyway everyone was drinking, I mean, it was a celebration, and I was definitely no more drunk than anyone else there-'

_Oh, for FUCK'S sake... _Elliot felt a sudden surge of irritation towards her. 'Olivia, will you just shut the fuck up and listen for once?'

_But... but El... _Olivia shook her head wordlessly, tears starting to run down her face again. _Why, why is he being like this... _'El, I can't...'

Elliot cut her off impatiently. 'Olivia, a couple of kids found you at the bottom of the steps in a subway station. They freaked out, thought you were dead, called 911, and while the EMTs rushed you to the ER the cops reviewed the security footage. They saw you staggering down the street towards the subway. Alone. You fell down the steps, Olivia, and you did it because you were drunk.'

_I what? _Olivia felt her jaw drop. 'But... but El...' _Why won't he believe me?_ 'El, I swear I wasn't drunk, someone must have-'

Elliot let out a cry of exasperation, grabbed her shoulders and shook her. 'For GOD'S sake, Olivia, are you even LISTENING to me? You FELL down the subway steps. No one pushed you, no one attacked you, you fell!' He tightened his grip on her shoulders and forced her to sit up and look at him. 'YOU FELL, OLIVIA!'

'No...' Olivia just kept shaking her head. 'No, no...' _I'd remember, I would, I would..._

'Yes.' Elliot looked her straight in the eye, his voice flat and measured. 'You left the bar. You walked a block down the street. You decided for God knows what reason that you wanted to go get on the Uptown 6, although I'll be DAMNED if I know where the FUCK you thought you were going-' Elliot stopped, breathing heavily and trying to control the rising anger in his voice. 'You started down the steps, you lost your balance, and then you fell. You fell down ninety-two steps until you hit the bottom and knocked yourself unconscious. Ninety-two, Olivia. You're lucky you're not dead right now.'

Olivia blinked. 'I... I did?' _Of course, that must be why I can't remember, I'm concussed, I wasn't drunk, I had a head injury, I knew I didn't drink that much..._

Elliot sighed. 'Yes, Olivia you did. I was sitting here, freaking out, wondering how long I should wait before calling in your 'disappearance', and then right as I was beginning to lose my mind worrying about you, a friend of mine from the Lenox Hill ER called.' He gave her a cold look. 'You're lucky the doctor knew me, Olivia, because he recognised you and he called me, rather than put you through the system and have it get out that Detective Benson had been admitted to the ER, and that she was so drunk that she couldn't even stand. He sutured your forehead and set your arm without even officially admitting you.' At some point he had started shouting. 'I am going to be trying to repay this guy for what he did for the rest of my life, and the worst thing is I don't think you even come close to comprehending exactly what it is that you've done!'

'But El-'

'You broke your arm, Olivia. You broke three ribs. It's a goddamn miracle you didn't break your fucking neck!' He let go of her shoulders and threw his hands up exasperatedly, shaking his head. 'Olivia, it's not just you that you hurt when you pull shit like this, it's me too, and it's the poor people who have to deal with cleaning up whatever mess you left behind.'

'But... but...' Olivia looked down at her bare shoulders, feeling the plastic bags clinging to the backs of her thighs. 'But if I just fell, then where-'

Elliot snorted. 'Your clothes? I had to take them off. I had to take them off because you were sick all over yourself and the ER doctor, and then again in my car. The reason why you have the couch blanket instead of my usual sheets, in case you're wondering, is because you were sick all over them as soon as I got you home, and the reason I've covered the bed in plastic bags is so that if you throw up, or piss yourself, or, God forbid, shit yourself again, I won't have to throw out the mattress like I did your clothes!' He shook his head. 'I mean, Jesus Christ, Olivia!'

'El, I... El-' Olivia broke off into heavy sobs. 'El, I'm so sorry, I don't know what happened, I don't...'

'Liv, I-' Elliot hesitated, biting his lip. _I know I'm meant to be firm, I know I'm meant to scare her a little, but... _He sighed, sat down on the bed and wrapped his arms around her, stroking her hair soothingly as he hugged her tightly against his chest. 'Liv, I know, I know you didn't mean to...' He kissed the top of her head and hugged her tighter, murmuring soothingly into her ear. 'I know, Liv, I know, sssshhhh, come on, it's OK...'

'No, El, no, it's not OK...' Olivia buried her face in the side of his neck and started to cry harder. 'I don't know what happened, El, I'm sorry, I'm so sorry, I don't know why this happened, it must have just been a fluke thing, maybe someone spiked my drink or something...'

_Oh, for Christ's sake._ Elliot abruptly pulled away, leaving Olivia clutching onto thin air and blinking in surprise. _Enough._ 'Liv, it was not a fluke. No one spiked your drink. You were drunk, and I think that by now we both know that you have a problem.'

_Oh God, this again?_ Olivia could barely keep herself from rolling her eyes. 'El, we've been through this. I don't have a drinking problem. Your mother does, you're just projecting onto me-'

'STOP IT!' Elliot saw her flinch and quickly pushed away a twinge of guilt. 'Olivia, this has nothing to do with my mother, it has to do with you.' He reached down, picked up the trash bag and upended it over the bed, sending dozens of half-empty, brightly coloured glass bottles spilling across the blankets. 'While you were in your drunken stupor, I had a bit of a look around.' He finished shaking out the bag and tossed it on the floor, shooting her a disapproving glance. 'My mother may have been an alcoholic, Olivia, but all that means is that I know where to look.'

Olivia blinked. _Shit._ 'Look, El, I know this looks bad-'

'Oh yeah?' Elliot raised his eyebrows at her. 'You're damn right it looks bad, Liv.'

Olivia bristled. _Asshole._ 'Jesus, El, do you have to be such a self-righteous son of a bitch?'

Elliot just looked at her coldly. 'Olivia, questioning why my girlfriend has enough liquor to kill an Irishman stone cold dead hidden around the house does not make me a self-righteous asshole, it makes me a good boyfriend!'

_WHAT?_ Olivia's jaw dropped. _Does he really have no idea how unreasonable he's being right now?_ 'Why's that, Elliot? Is there something wrong with me having my own drinks in the house when you do too? You have a whole cabinet full, Elliot!'

Elliot laughed bitterly. 'Yeah, but I don't keep mine in the toilet tank, Olivia.'

Olivia gritted her teeth, fighting back a wave of frustration. _Oh come on, now you're just TRYING to make it sound bad._ 'Well, Elliot, maybe I wouldn't have to if you hadn't gone and put a lock on the damn drinks cabinet last month!'

Elliot sighed heavily and took her hand. 'And why do you think I did that, Olivia?'

_Because you're an asshole._ Olivia sat up straight and forced herself to look him in the eye. 'I really don't know, El.'

'Because I had three teenage daughters, Olivia.' He smiled sadly at her. 'You learn the tricks, like marking tiny lines on the bottles to show where the level is.'

Olivia's jaw dropped. _Oh my GOD._ 'You...' She yanked her hand away, shaking her head in disbelief. 'You sneaky son of a bitch...'

Elliot rolled his eyes. 'Why am I a sneaky son of a bitch, Olivia? Because I want to help you?'

_Why the fuck do you think?_ 'Because you're treating me like a child!'

'No, Olivia, I'm not.' He took her hand again and gave her a reassuring smile, stroking her palm with his thumb. 'I'm treating you like a vulnerable, traumatised woman, because that's what you are.'

_WHAT?_ Olivia bristled, her hand clenching tightly around Elliot's and her fingernails digging painfully into his skin. 'The fuck I am!'

'Olivia, I'm sorry, but you are, and unless all you want is to drink yourself into oblivion every day and die the same way as your mother, you need to accept that and let someone help you.'

'You bastard.' Olivia was staring at him open-mouthed, her hands clenched into fists. 'You utter bastard, how dare you bring my mother into this-'

'Olivia, like it or not, it's true, and even though you didn't die last night, next time you might not be so lucky, and...' Elliot trailed off and took a deep breath. 'Olivia, please, I love you, and the reason I'm saying this isn't to be unkind or to get at you, it's because I love you, really.'

Olivia snorted. 'Bullshit.' _No one could ever love me._

_Oh, for God's sake..._ Elliot felt a surge of impatience. 'No, Olivia, it is not bullshit.' He leaned forwards and took her other hand in his, looking carefully into her eyes. 'Olivia, I love you. I love you more than anything, and I want nothing more than to spend the rest of my life with you, but...' He sighed and stroked the side of her face. 'But Liv, there's only so long I'm going to be able to bear to just sit here and watch you destroy yourself.'

Olivia blinked. _No, no, no, no, no, no... _ 'El-' She felt her voice catch in her throat. 'El, are... are you... are you trying to tell me that you're leaving me?' _I can't live without you, I'd die if you left me, I know I would, you're all I have..._

'I...' Elliot sighed again. 'No, Olivia. No, I'm not.' He wrapped his arms around her again and hugged her tightly, turning his face to kiss the top of her head as he felt her burrow in closer to him, her arms clamped tightly around his back as she sobbed loudly into his chest. 'Not yet.'

_**A/N: What did you think? Did you like it? Please send me a review and let me know!**_


	25. Chapter 25

_**A/N: So, as promised, yet more Heritage. This is Part One of three, to be updated at various points over the weekend/beginning of next week, so there's plenty more to look forward to! Thank you all so much for your reviews on the last one, it was really hard to write so I'm really glad you all liked it. I hope you like this one just as much, and please send me a review to let me know! **_

_**SteffieDawn, was this a quick enough update for you? There's more traumatised Liv, but... hopefully you'll like it anyway. **_

_**EdibleSlaw, I think Elliot's got to the point where you really have to be cruel to be kind. The trouble is, all the interventions in the world won't make a difference unless she's willing to accept that there's a problem. **_

_**SVUandBonesAddict, as harsh as Elliot might have seemed in that chapter, yeah, he was right... he just needs to wait for Olivia to realise that now... **_

_**Ren Victoria, yeah... and we all know how afraid Olivia is of turning into her mother. **_

_**Hailey, you're awesome. Thanks for pre-reading this one for me too. Hopefully I'll get the other two finished pretty quick - there's nothing like a deadline to really light a fire under my ass (well, that and an outstanding review. EdibleSlaw, you know this already.) And... I too want my own Elliot. I just have to find out where they're all hiding... **_

_**courtneylovejason, I know... **_

_**inspirationimagination, you know how much I love you. I say so every time. But, I think I'll say it again. You're awesome. Thanks. I could really see Elliot getting angry over it, partly because he's so protective of her and partly because he seems to be afraid of showing any really strong feelings, so it's kind of easier for him to be angry than to admit that he's afraid. (And yeah, you're right - Olivia's mother died falling down some subway steps outside a bar.) **_

_**gemfinder360, I'm glad you thought it was sweet :) As harsh as some parts of that chapter were, you can really tell how much he loves her.**_

_ **PiperOnlyFanFic, yeah... I think Elliot's kind of getting to the stage where he's realising that he doesn't know how much more he can take. **_

_**So... usual huge note over, here's the first of my three mini-chapters. I hope you all like it, and I'll see you soon for the next one! In the meantime, give this one a read, and please, please, PLEASE send me a review to let me know what you think!**_

_Dr Olivet will fix it._

_Dr Olivet will fix it._

_Dr Olivet will fix it._

_Dr Olivet will fix it._

_Dr Olivet will fix it._

_Dr Olivet will fix it._

_Dr Olivet will fix it._

_Dr Olivet will fix it._

_Dr Olivet will fix it._

_Dr Olivet will fix it._

_Dr Olivet will fix it._

_Dr Olivet will fix it._

'Can I help you?'

'Huh?' Olivia opened her eyes and looked up. An annoyingly perky young woman was looking curiously at her from the end of the hall. _Oh, great. One of those. _ She rolled her eyes. _That's just what I need right now._

'Ma'am?' The woman was raising her eyebrows pointedly. 'Can I help you?'

'Uh...' Olivia wiped her eyes and staggered to her feet, wincing a little from where the edge of one of the door panels had been digging uncomfortably into her back. 'I. uh... I need to see Dr Olivet.'

The irritating woman frowned. 'Do you have an appointment?'

'No, I... I...' Olivia sniffed and wiped her nose, pushing her greasy hair back off her face. 'I just need to see her, OK?'

The woman sighed. 'Well, I really can't help you if you haven't bothered to call ahead to make an appointment, but maybe-'

Olivia felt a flash of rage. _Patronising useless stupid little-_ 'Look, you arrogant bitch, just tell me where the fuck she is, OK?'

A hard look came into the woman's eyes and she crossed her arms tightly in front of her, 'Ma'am, if you're going to use that kind of language then-'

_Then what? _Olivia gritted her teeth. _Uptight bitch._ She was filled with a sudden urge to slap this woman right in the middle of her stupid smug face. _No, Olivia. Deep breaths._ She swallowed uncomfortably, slowly counting to ten in her head. _Don't get mad, don't get mad, don't get mad..._

'Ma'am.' The woman nodded at the elevators. 'I'm afraid I'm going to have to ask you to leave.'

_NO! _Olivia's stomach lurched. 'No, no, please, I'm sorry, I'm just... I'm so tired, I've been sitting here for hours...' She rubbed her eyes, trying to clear her head. 'Please... please, I need to see her...'

'I'm afraid she's over at the 27th Precinct today, Ma'am, but if you come back tomorrow I'm sure she could-'

'No, no, I... I need-' Olivia's voice caught in her throat. _Why, why does everyone keep leaving me? Am I really that awful?_ 'I need to see her, you don't understand...' She started to cry. 'No one understands...'

The woman cleared her throat impatiently. 'Ma'am, have you been drinking?'

_Shut up, it's 9.34pm in Thailand._ 'I... I need Dr Olivet, where is she, can you call her?' _She understands, Dr Olivet understands, she'll make it better, she has to..._

'I'm sorry, Ma'am, I can't, but if you'll just tell me what's wrong-'

_Isn't that obvious?_ 'I am.' Olivia looked at her. 'I'm what's wrong. It's always me.'

'Ma'am, I'm sure that's not true-'

'It is.' Olivia wiped her face with her sleeve. 'It's my fault, it's my fault, everything's my fault...'

'What, Ma'am? What's your fault?'

'Everything.' Olivia shook her head blankly. 'I've ruined everything...'

The woman sighed again and glanced quickly at her watch. 'How have you ruined everything?'

'I... He...' Olivia felt her breath catch. 'He... he touched me. He... he did things to... to me, and... and I...' She bit her lip. 'Oh God...'

'Ma'am?' The woman stepped closer and looked at her carefully, a look of concern suddenly on her face. 'Would you like me to go and get one of the special detectives?'

Olivia shook her head, horribly aware of the tears that were streaming down her face. 'No, no, no, no, there's no point, they can't fix me, they can't fix anything, they're meant to help victims and I'm not a victim, I'm not, a part of me wishes I was but I'm not, I did this, I... I let Him, I let him touch me, and...' She started to cry harder. 'He touched me and I let Him and now I'm dirty, I'm so dirty, and he doesn't want me and I know he doesn't want me but I need him to, I need him to so much but all I do is ruin things-'

'Ma'am, are you telling me you're one of the victims from the special unit?'

_If only._ 'No.' Olivia laughed bitterly. 'No, I'm supposed to be one of the detectives!' _God, I'm like the punchline to some sick, pathetic joke..._

The woman was glancing at the elevators again. 'Ma'am, whoever you are, they could still help you-'

'NO! I LOVED IT!' Olivia angrily swiped the tears out of her eyes. 'HE HELD ME DOWN AND HE TOUCHED ME AND I LOVED IT!'

The woman blinked in surprise. 'Ma'am, when did this happen?'

'He said...' Olivia broke down into thick, heavy sobs, her voice hitching and catching in her throat. 'I thought that he loved me...'

'Your... your, uh...' The woman cleared her throat. 'Do you mean your attacker?'

'NO!' Olivia felt a flash of rage and pushed the woman hard in the chest, knocking her off balance. 'NO, HE WOULD NEVER HURT ME!' _WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS TO ME?_

'Right.' The woman gave Olivia a disdainful look, brushing some kind of invisible dirt off her suit. 'I'm sorry, Ma'am, but if you touch me again I'm going to have to call some of the officers-'

'NO, you don't GET it!' Olivia felt a fresh burst of panic. 'He's wonderful, he's perfect, it's ME, I'm the problem, he's all I have and I drove him away, he doesn't love me and now I have nothing, and I don't know how to make it better!'

'Ma'am, you're going to need to calm down-'

'I WAS MEANT TO BE BETTER!'

'I'm sorry, Ma'am, but I don't know what it is that you want me to do-'

'MAKE ME BETTER!' Olivia grabbed the lapels of the woman's jacket and shook her. 'MAKE ME BETTER SO THAT HE CAN LOVE ME!'

The woman pushed her away impatiently, clearly disgusted. 'Ma'am, you stink of alcohol, and I suggest you leave immediately before I have you booked for assault.' She looked her up and down, her nose wrinkling a little. 'And quite frankly, if you always act like this, then I'm not surprised that he doesn't find you particularly lovable.'

_**A/N: What did you think? Are you ready for Part Two? Please send me a review and let me know!**_


	26. Chapter 26

_**A/N: So, Part Two of three, and so far I seem to be keeping up a pretty decent pace on writing these! Thanks so much for all your reviews - I'm glad you liked the last one so much, and hopefully this one was worth the wait (however short.) I'm going to try and get the next one up soon - hopefully tomorrow, but I've been incapacitated for most of the day by a crippling headache, so we'll have to see (on a separate note - opiate based painkillers FTW.) In the meantime, I hope you all enjoy this one, and please send me a review to let me know what you think!**_

_** SteffieDawn, you were really quick off the bat with that review - thanks! I was grinning like a fool. Hopefully this was super-quick enough for you, and thank you for all the lovely things you said - it means a lot to me to know people think stuff like that about my writing :)**_

_**Hailey, you're awesome, and thanks for proofing this one too. You alone stand between me and various capitalisation fails. Also, I'm glad you think it's realistically done, because that is my main goal with this story (as I was telling my housemate earlier, it's kind of my personal pet project, even over all my others.) Also, for anyone else reading this, you should all go read Hailey's new mini fic thing. It's short but ADORABLE.**_

_**EdibleSlaw, yes, the receptionist was a bitch. The trouble is with something like this is that people don't understand - and in some ways they don't want to, because if they do then it means also understanding that anyone could be in Olivia's position, even themselves. People don't like to be reminded of how easily they could be in that position, so they deal with it by acting hostile. Sigh. The amount of people who treated me like I was somehow infectious was beyond belief. **_

_**Ren Victoria, all the stress is kind of beginning to come out... and it won't be pretty.**_

_**PiperOnlyFanFic, yeah, she is. I hope you like this update too! **_

_**inspirationimagination, I still adore you, and I probably always will (although if you become vocally pro-Haden to the extent that you denounce all EO-ness, I may be forced to question the depth of our love.) That sounded kind of creepy. It wasn't meant to. I apologise. I'm kind of drugged on codeine right now. Anyway, I'm happy you like my writing and that you think I'm talented :):)... I just have to work on believing that myself now, huh... and I do try to make my portrayal of distress realistic, because a lot of the time it's not all melodramatic screaming and wailing, it's more desperate and subtle.**_

_**SVUandBonesAddict, I know... I love Liv too! I just want to give her so many hugs right now. Also, my writing over sleep? Dude, that's pretty flattering (plus I always do stuff like that, I'll start reading a new story and it'll just take over my day, and then it'll be 5 in the morning and I'll still be awake and reading.)**_

_**So, all new chapter for you, a day after the last one (impressive new record, self) and I'll try and get the next one done soon (just cross your fingers that my headache clears off sooner rather than later.) Anyway, I hope you all enjoy this chapter, and please send me a review to let me know what you think!**_

.

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><p><em><strong>'Hey, Liv, I wasn't expecting to see you today.' Cragen smiled at her from behind his desk.<strong>_

_**'Yeah, I... uh...' Olivia shifted uncomfortably on the spot and closed the door behind her. 'I was just here to see the therapist.'**_

_Oh my God... _Olivia hunched over on the couch, burying her face in her hands. _What the hell is wrong with me, I've ruined everything..._

_How could you let yourself do this?_

_How could you let this happen?_

_No wonder no one likes you._

_No, no, no... _Olivia shook her head, biting down hard on her lip. _No,_ _Elliot, Elliot likes me, he loves me..._

_He doesn't._

_He told you himself._

_He's had enough of you._

_He's sick of having to look after you._

_He wants to leave but he feels too guilty._

_**'Oh yes, Elliot told me you were seeing Elizabeth Olivet.' Cragen put down his pen. 'How's that going?'**_

_**'It's, uh... it's fine. Everything's fine.' Olivia cleared her throat awkwardly. 'Is Elliot around?' **_

_You don't deserve him._

_You're ruining his life too._

_Why do you think you deserve to make everyone suffer because of you?_

_God, you're selfish._

_Oh God..._ Olivia buried her head further into her hands. _Oh God, I am, I am..._

_**'I'm sorry, he's not, but I can call him for you-'**_

_**'No, no, it's, uh, Cap, I...' Olivia took a deep breath. 'I... I, uh... I need something.'**_

_Oh no, no, no, no, no... oh God... why, why..._

_Because you're disgusting._

_I am._ Olivia started to cry. _I am, I am disgusting, I am..._

_If you disgust yourself, God knows what everyone else thinks of you._

_**'Sure, Liv.' Cragen sat back in his chair, smiling encouragingly. 'Anything.'**_

_I know._

Olivia bit her lip.

_I know what they think of me._

_**'I need a drink, just one, just one to take the edge off, please...'**_

_**'Liv... I've been dry for years, you know that.'**_

_'One drink, oh, just one drink, please, just one?' Come on, Olivia, who does that sound like?_

_No, no, no... _Olivia shook her head desperately. _No, no, no, I'm not her, I'm not..._

_No, Olivia, you're worse._

_You knew what would happen and you did it anyway._

_You chose this._

_You wanted it._

_**'Come on, Cap, everyone has a secret stash...' Olivia leaned over his desk, raising an eyebrow at him. 'Just a little taste, go on...' She winked. 'I'll make it worth your while...'**_

_Jesus Christ, Olivia. How the hell do you live with yourself?_

_No... _Olivia just shook her head, tears streaming down her face. _No, no, no..._

_How, Olivia? How?_

_How do you live with yourself?_

_How do you live with what you've let yourself become?_

_I don't, I can't, but... _Olivia broke down into thick, heavy sobs. _But I don't know what to do, I don't know what to do, oh God, why can't someone help me?_

_Because it's all your fault, Olivia._

_You brought this on yourself._

_I know. _Olivia nodded blankly. _I know I did._

_I asked for this._

_I loved it._

_I'm the one who ruined my life._

_**'Olivia, you're like a daughter to me.'**_

_**Olivia laughed and brushed her finger unsteadily down the side of his face. 'Come on, Cap, we see enough guys come through here who like to fuck their daughters to know that isn't an issue...' **_

_OH GOD OH GOD OH GOD OH GOD-_ Olivia curled up on her side on the couch, hugging her knees tightly against her chest. _Oh God, what have I done, what have I done..._

_**Cragen cleared his throat and stood up. 'Look, Liv, I'm going to call Elliot to pick you up, OK?'**_

_**'NO!' Olivia felt a sudden flash of panic. 'NO, HE HATES ME!'**_

_He's going to leave you, Olivia._

_One morning you're going to wake up and he's going to be gone._

_I know, I know, I don't deserve him, I don't..._

_Every second you're together must be absolute hell for him._

_I can't believe you're selfish enough to make him put up with you every day._

_I know, I know..._ Olivia started to cry harder. _But I don't know what else I can do..._

_Yes, Olivia, you do._

_**'Liv, even if El did hate you he'd still want to help-'**_

_**'NO!'**_

_Remember your mother?_

_Remember how miserable she made you?_

_Remember how much you hated her?_

_Do you really want to put him through that?_

_Don't you love him?_

_Don't you want what's best for him?_

_**'Liv, please, tell me that I can do-'**_

_**Olivia shook her head, tears streaming down her face. 'There's nothing, there's nothing anyone can do...'**_

Olivia bit her lip. _But... but I don't want to go to Hell..._

_Do you really think you'll be getting into Heaven after everything you've done, Olivia?_

_You'll be doing the world a service._

_You've spent your whole life being selfish. _

_It's time to think of someone else for a change._

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><p><strong><em>AN: What did you think? Did you like it? Please send me a review and let me know!_**


	27. Chapter 27

_**A/N: I finished Part Three! I'm so psyched right now that I actually finished it, because I thought for sure I wouldn't. This is the kind of the end of Act I of Heritage, so I may have a little bit of a break before I launch into Act II... (then again it is me, so 'a bit of a break' probably means like a week or so.) Thanks so much for all your reviews for the last one, and I'm glad you seemed to 'get' it, if that makes any sense - an addiction like this can really change your behaviour and make you act like a completely different person (and do things that you would never, ever do) and, while I've never had a first-hand experience of alcoholism, I know a few people who have, so I'm glad it made sense. I hope you all enjoy this chapter too, and please send me a review to let me know! **_

_**inspirationimagination, I like you. You're awesome. I wish I could bottle up your optimism and keep it in my desk for moments like this. And yes, Olivia's behaviour has deteriorated so much more over the past few chapters - it's like being reminded by Dr Olivet that she might not actually be super cheery happy after all has pushed her over the edge. **_

_**Hailey, I know. Writing this scared the bejesus out of me a little bit because in a weird way, the logic does make sense. Depression will do weird, weird things to your mind. **_

_**SVUandBonesAddict, I'm glad you like that I introduced Cragen too. He's had so much experience of alcoholism himself that I think he really understands what Olivia is going through right now, whereas maybe others don't (or can't.) **_

_**PiperOnlyFanFic, I know - addiction will really make you act irrationally, because all that's on your mind is getting your next drink, so you'll do whatever you need to do to get it - especially if you've kind of built alcohol up into this miracle elixir to stave off depression, like Olivia seems to have done. **_

_**SteffieDawn, you're so lovely. I'm so happy you like my story (and my writing in general :)) and I hope you find this chapter keeps on holding your interest (and that you continue to be fascinated by where I am taking it.) **_

_**EdibleSlaw, yeah. Addiction will make you do crazy, crazy things, and one of criteria of alcohol dependence on the DSM-IV is that the drinker will keep on drinking, despite knowing that doing so is causing them physical or psychological harm. Creepy and out of character, yeah, but also scarily accurate as to what addictions can make someone do, however they normally behave. **_

_**So, huge note is once again over, and here is the third part of my little Easter update event thing (yeah, that was really eloquent, but you all know what I mean.) I hope you all like this chapter (and think it makes a strong ending for the first act of the story), and please, PLEASE send me a review and let me know what you think!**_

Elliot sighed, watching the floor numbers tick past on the display about the elevator doors.

_I just don't know any more..._

It had been four hours since Cragen had called to tell him what had happened, and he'd spent most of that time sitting at his desk, pretending to do paperwork and struggling to think of what exactly to do next.

_This has gone too far, Elliot._

_You have to get her into a program or something._

He shook his head, walking out into the hallway as the elevator doors popped open with a cheerful dinging sound.

_I wish I knew how to help her._

_I wish I knew how to show her how wonderful she is._

_I wish I knew how to make her see what she's doing to herself._

He sighed again.

_I wish she'd just believe me when I tell her that I love her..._

He finally reached the door of his apartment and started rifling through his pockets for his keys. _I just-_

Suddenly he noticed the letter taped to the door with his name scrawled on it in Olivia's handwriting.

_Fantastic._

Elliot rolled his eyes and tore open the envelope.

_I wonder what excuse I'll get this time..._

Almost every time he came home now he'd find a little note tacked on the door saying that she'd just gone to get some milk, or that she'd gone to meet a friend, or that she'd just fancied a walk, and then she'd stumble back in sometime after midnight, reeking of booze and covered in God knows what, explaining that there was a queue or that they'd lost track of time or that she's gotten lost...

_You've always got an explanation for everything, haven't you, Liv? _

_You must think I'm really fucking stupid._

Elliot unfolded the letter, pushing back a surge of irritation at her.

_For God's sake, does she really think writing a bunch of 'x's after my name on a cheap envelope this time will-_

His eyes widened.

_Oh my God._

_NO._

'LIV?' Elliot started to hammer on the door, frantically searching for his keys. 'Liv, it's me, open the door! LIV!'

There was no answer.

_Oh God, oh my God..._

'LIV! LIV, OPEN THE DOOR!' He fought back a wave of panic, still desperately trying to find his keys. _Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck- _ 'LIV!' He took a deep breath and rammed his shoulder hard against the door, feeling the hinges pop off the frame, and then the door was finally open and he was stumbling forwards into the room, the letter still clutched in his hand. 'LIV-'

He stopped, staring across the room.

_Oh God, oh God, oh God..._

Olivia was lying on her back on the couch, her body limp and still and her eyes rolled back in her head.

_Oh no, oh God, oh Jesus, oh no..._

'OLIVIA!' Elliot ran across the room and dropped to his knees beside her. 'Olivia, Olivia, talk to me!' He grabbed her shoulder and shook her. 'LIV!' He shook her again, harder this time. 'OLIVIA!'

_**'I'm so sorry, El.' **_

'Oh God, Olivia, please don't do this to me...' Elliot choked back a fresh surge of panic and pressed his fingers into the side of Olivia's throat, almost crying with relief when he felt a pulse. 'Oh thank God, thank God...' He leaned down and kissed her, taking her hand and clutching it tightly in his, stroking her palm reassuringly with his thumb. 'It's OK, Liv, I'm here, OK?'

_**'I've tried, but I'm just not strong enough.' **_

_Stay calm. Elliot._

_Stay calm._

_She needs you to be calm._

_I know._ Elliot nodded and dialled 911, forcing himself to take a deep breath. _I know she does. _

'911, what is your emergency?'

'Uh, this is, uh, Detective Elliot Stabler, Manhattan SVU, I need EMS to 75 Henry Street in Brooklyn Heights, apartment 5F, my, uh, my... my girlfriend, she...' He felt his breath catch in his throat and he mentally kicked himself, pushing down the rising sense of panic in his chest._ Stay calm, Elliot, stay calm._ 'My girlfriend's tried to kill herself, I just came home and found her unconscious on the couch, I, uh, I think she's taken an overdose, there's an empty pill bottle under the table...'

'Are you able to find a pulse?'

'Yes, but it's really weak and, uh, slow, and... and, uh...' Elliot suddenly burst into tears. 'Oh my God, oh my God...' _This is my fault, this is all my fault, oh God..._

'OK, Sir, that's good.' The 911 operator's voice was reassuringly calm. 'Is she breathing?'

'I... I...' _Oh God, she has to be... Elliot_ leaned down and pressed his ear against her mouth. _Oh, thank God, thank God..._ 'Yes, yes, she is, but... but she-'

'Calm down, Sir, an ambulance is on its way. Do you know what exactly she's taken?'

'Uh...' He leaned forward and picked the pill bottle up off the floor. 'Temazepam. She's taken all of her Temazepam.' _The Temazepam that I got her, that I made her take when she didn't want to..._ Elliot shook his head blankly, tears still streaming down his face. _Oh God, this is my fault, it's all my fault..._

'OK, Sir, when the EMTs get there, you're going to need to show them the bottle-'

Elliot felt a surge of impatience. _You don't think I already know this shit?_ 'Did you say the ambulance was on its way?'

'Yes, Sir, it is but I'm going to need you to stay on the line so-'

Elliot ignored her and dropped the phone on the floor, scooping Olivia up in his arms and carrying her into the bathroom. 'Come on, Liv, it's OK, it's OK...'

_**'I wish I could think of something better to say, but all I can think of is how much I wish I didn't have to leave you.'**_

He grabbed the showerhead and sat with her on the bathroom floor, cradling her against his arm. 'Liv, come on, I need you to wake up for me now, OK?' He shook her gently. 'Liv?'

_**'I love you, so, so much, El.' **_

Elliot tightened his arm around Olivia's shoulders and turned the water on full, feeling a sudden burst of relief when she immediately started coughing and spluttering as the jet of cold water hit her in the face. _Thank God, thank God... _

_**'You're the best thing that's ever happened to me, and I just can't do this to you anymore.'**_

'Liv, talk to me, come on, Liv, come on...' Elliot shook her again. 'Come on, Liv, talk to me, how many? How many did you take? LIV!' Olivia groaned something under her breath and her head slumped forwards, and Elliot felt his stomach lurch. _Shit, oh shit, oh Jesus..._ 'It's OK, Liv, ssshhh. I'm here...' He carefully tilted her face back up, cradling the back of her head against his shoulder. 'Liv, it's OK, it's OK, you're going to be fine, just stay with me, OK?' He turned his head to kiss her cheek, took a deep breath and stuck his fingers down her throat. 'Liv, it's OK, really, it's OK...'

_**'Thank you for everything.'**_

He felt her start to gag and he hugged her tighter, stroking her shoulder reassuringly as she lurched forwards and started to heave loudly, spilling a mixture of what looked like red wine and the remains of a few dozen half-digested pills into her lap. 'Come on, Liv, come on, it's all right, it's all right, I know, there we go...' He kissed the top of her head and stuck his fingers deeper into her throat, clearing her mouth as she coughed. 'Liv, I need you to hang on for me, OK?'

_**'Being with you gave me the few moments of happiness I had.'**_

He didn't stop until she wasn't bringing up anything other than thick globs of an unpleasant green liquid, and then he smoothed her hair back off her face and hugged her tightly against his chest, rocking her soothingly. 'Come on, Liv, come on, please...'

_**'I wish I could have learned to be the woman you deserved.'**_

He heard her murmur something under her breath, her fingers tightening a little around his hand, and he bit his lip and hugged her tighter, pressing his lips against the top of her head. 'Liv, wake up, please, please, wake up...'

_**'I hope that one day you'll come to understand that you're better off without me.'**_

'Hold on, Liv, OK, just hold on for me...' Elliot kissed her forehead and started to stroke her hair, still clutching her hand tightly in his. 'Do NOT think I would be better off without you, OK, because I won't, so don't go giving up on me, OK?' He squeezed her hand tighter. 'Just hang on, Liv, please, I love you, I love you so much, and whatever's wrong we'll work through it, I promise...'

_**'I'm so sorry, El. You didn't deserve this.'**_

He hugged her tighter. 'I promise, Liv, we'll work through it together and I will do everything I can to make it better, OK, I will, and I love you so, so much, Liv, I do, I really do, and... and...' He felt his breath catch and he swallowed awkwardly, fighting back a fresh wave of tears. 'Please, Olivia, I'll do anything, just stay with me, OK, please...' He bit his lip and kissed her forehead. 'Please...'

_**'Please forgive me.'**_

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><p><em><strong>AN: What did you think? Did you like it? Please send me a review and let me know! **_


	28. Chapter 28

_**A/N: Soooo... more Heritage. As usual my planned 'break' didn't last very long, but hey, that's how I roll. Thank you all for all your reviews for my last chapter, and I hope you like this one just as much... and please send me a review and let me know! **_

_**Iwannahamberger2, sorry about the whole salty clear substance thing. It's Irish witchcraft. I'll try not to let it happen again. But seriously, I'm so glad you're so emotionally invested in it... I take it as a huge compliment! **_

_**SVUandBonesAddict, I know. It got me pretty damn bad writing it, so goodness knows what it'd do to the poor sod reading it. **_

_**Ren Victoria, I don't think he can help himself :( **_

_**Hailey, I love you. You're awesome. Also I'm glad you liked the chapter so much, especially because I personally think that that was one of the best ones I have ever written (like every nerd, I have a secret 'leader board' in my head.) I've been in an NYC bathroom though and those things are tiny. I'm only 5ft and a bit tall, and even I kept knocking stuff off shelves and racks. If you're in there with both El and Liv, I think things might be a bit awkward. Because, you know, you'd be standing pretty much on top of them. Kind of a moment killer. It's like all the fics that have them having wild sex in the shower - I just keep going 'have you ever SEEN a New York shower? Are EO secretly midgets and/or gymnasts?' But I digress. Thanks for your review. I'll shut up now. **_

_**EdibleSlaw, the trouble with people telling me what to do is that I'm so contrary that it immediately fills me with an inescapable desire to do the exact opposite... and I'm glad you liked the emotional intensity of this chapter. I put a lot of work into it, so I'm glad you think it worked well. Elliot does have a way of reacting to being afraid of losing someone, in that rather than get worried he gets angry... maybe he should consider a few trips to Dr Olivet as well. **_

_**inspirationimagination, I'm so glad you liked it, and that the whole shift-in-atmosphere thing worked - it kind of reflected how it would have been for Elliot, coming home as usual after a routine commute to suddenly come across something like that... he does tend to lose his rationality when it comes to things involving Olivia, I mean, you just have to watch Fault to know that (God, I love Fault.) **_

_**SteffieDawn, I'm really happy you liked it too... your reviews are always so nice! And yeah, things like this can almost be harder on the people close to the sufferer as they can on the sufferer themselves. **_

_**PiperOnlyFanFic, since you ask so nicely... **_

_**courtneylovejason, I know :( The problem is that while Elliot's tried to intervene before he doesn't seem to have gotten very far, and when he finally outright said 'you have a problem' it triggered her into this sudden downward spiral. Poor guy, he does try... **_

_**badbehavior, I missed you! Also I'm glad you liked it. And Alex will be making an appearance in the next chapter, and will be in it a hella lot more as the story progresses, so you have that to look forward to! **_

_**So yeah, once again I have rambled on for hours, and I hope you all like this chapter as much as you seemed to like the last one... and please send me a review and let me know what you think!**_

'Liv...' Elliot leaned down and kissed Olivia's forehead, clasping her hand tightly in his. 'Liv, why didn't you just tell me that things were so bad?'

_She did tell you, Elliot. _

_No, no, she didn't, if she did I would have tried to help her, I would, I swear I would, but she never did, I know she never did..._

_Stop lying to yourself._

_She told you and you know it._

_No, no, she didn't, she NEVER TOLD ME!_

_Really, Elliot? You don't think that maybe her drinking was her way of telling you?_

Elliot shifted uncomfortably. _Well, no, if it was then why wouldn't she tell me about it rather than trying to hide it?_

_Please. She wanted you to find out. If she'd wanted to actually hide the bottles, you never would have found them._

_Oh God, oh God..._ Elliot shook his head, choking back a thick wave of guilt. _ I'm a terrible person, I should have seen it, I should have known..._

_Yes, Elliot, you should._

_She was begging you to help her and you didn't even bother to notice._

_You might as well have held her down and forced the pills down her throat yourself._

Elliot sighed and started to stroke Olivia's hair. 'Liv, I'm so sorry, I am, I should have helped you, I should have made it better, I should never have let things get this far, I know that, and... and...' He felt his voice catch in his throat. _Shit._ 'And I know you didn't think I'd understand, I know you didn't think I'd love you if you told me, but that's not true, Liv, it's not, and-' He swallowed awkwardly. 'I'm sorry if... if you thought that... that what I said a couple days ago...' He squeezed her hand, feeling tears starting to run down his face. _Shit. Shit._ 'That it meant that I didn't love you, that I couldn't love you, because that's not true, and maybe I was too harsh but... but I just couldn't bear the thought of losing you, Liv, and even though you were still alive I was still losing you, and I knew that, and it scared the shit out of me...'

_That's right, Elliot, everything is about you._

_You selfish son of a bitch._

_I know, I know I'm selfish..._ Elliot bit his lip, leaned down and kissed her, stroking her cheek with his thumb and resting his forehead against hers. _I should never have said what I said to her, I know, I know I shouldn't, but..._

_You're right, you shouldn't._

_I know, I know..._

_She thinks she's her mother, Elliot._

_When you say bad things about her mother, you might as well be saying them about her._

_Oh God, oh God, you're right... _Elliot smoothed Olivia's hair back off her face and kissed her forehead, still stroking her cheek with his thumb. _Oh God, Liv, I'm sorry, I'm so sorry... _

_Sorry doesn't cut it, Elliot._

_You should have helped her, and you didn't._

_You should have saved her, and instead you just sat back and watched her destroy herself._

_I know, I know, but I just wish... I wish..._

_What do you wish, Elliot?_

_That you hadn't been such an asshole?_

_That you were the one lying there instead of her?_

_No, I-_ 'I wish...' Elliot took a deep breath. 'I wish I hadn't been so cold with you that night, I wish that I had never left you alone in the street like I did, you have no idea, Liv, and even if you're too good to say it I know that this is all my fault, and every day I hate myself more and more and more for just leaving you there, for just driving away and leaving you standing there alone in the dark, and I shouldn't have done it, I know I shouldn't have done it, and I can't even say that I didn't know what could happen because I did, I DID know, I saw what could happen every day at work, and... and...' He choked back a fresh wave of tears. 'And I just did it anyway!'

_Oh God, I did it anyway, how could I do that to her?_

_How can I never have said this to her?_

_Has she spent this entire time thinking that I've been blaming her for what happened rather than me?_

'Liv, I'm sorry, I'm so sorry, this is all my fault, all I can think about is the life we could have had together, the life we should have had together, if only I'd just driven you home that night and told you how I felt about you rather than being a stupid asshole and running away like I always have, but I didn't, and I was, and... and... and so...' Elliot shook his head blankly, tears still streaming down his face. 'And so I just drove away and left you there.'

_I left her there._

_I just drove away and left her there._

_How could I have just left her there?_

_Oh God, Liv, I'm sorry, I'm so sorry..._

_We've been through this, Elliot. Sorry just doesn't cut it any more. _

Elliot bit his lip. _I know, I know, but I am, I really am, I am so sorry..._

He leaned down and kissed her again, her hair tickling the side of his face. 'Liv, I love you so, so much, and you're not your mother, you're not, and I know that you know that, and...' He swallowed awkwardly. 'And... and maybe you think that I should have just let you die, that I shouldn't have forced you to live when you didn't want to, but... but...' He suddenly burst into tears. 'But I was too selfish, Liv, I couldn't bear to live without you, and I knew that, I love you too much, I could never love anyone as much as I love you, and I know that you don't believe that I do, but...' He bit his lip again, stroking the side of her face. 'I do, Olivia, I love you, I will always love you, and... and I'd do anything for you, Liv, please just let me help you...' He squeezed her hand. 'Please...'

'Sir?'

_Crap. _Elliot looked up and saw one of Olivia's doctors standing in the doorway. _Shit. Fuck._ 'Oh. Hi.' He wiped his eyes quickly. _For fuck's sake, don't you people ever knock?_ 'Is, uh... is everything OK?'

'Well, it seems to be. She's still sedated for now, but she should wake up later this evening.' The doctor smiled at him. 'She's been very lucky. From what the EMTs told me, your actions this afternoon may have helped to save her life.'

'Good.' Elliot nodded. 'I'm glad.' _Did you really just interrupt us to come and congratulate me on actually knowing some basic first aid, or are you about to try and shove some more ominous paperwork at me to sign? _He somehow managed to force a smile, his hand tightening a little around Olivia's. 'Was there anything else?'

'Actually, yes.' The doctor flicked quickly through Olivia's chart. 'I needed to ask if you could give me some help with something.'

Elliot mentally rolled his eyes. _Of course you do._ 'Uh, yeah, sure.' _I'm not committing her so if you're going to try and pull that crap on me again you can go and fuck yourself with your involuntary admission forms. _ 'Anything.'

'Well, I haven't been able to find any details of your girlfriend's OB-GYN on file, and I was hoping you might be able to pass them on to me so that I can call-'

'Her OB-GYN?' Elliot raised his eyebrows. 'You want me to get her OB-GYN involved in this now?' _Wow, with you, the psychiatrists, the ER guy, and the radiologists, not to mention those other guys who didn't seem to do anything but stare, this is really turning into some kind of fucked-up medical party where everyone's charging by the hour..._

'Well, yes.' The doctor looked surprised. 'Of course.'

_Oh, for fuck's sake..._ Elliot sighed and crossed his arms. 'I'm sorry, but I really don't think that's necessary.' _And if she wakes up with a ton of people she doesn't know in the room, it's probably just going to freak her out even more._

A look of irritation crossed the doctor's face. 'Well, with all due respect, Sir, this isn't about you-'

Elliot cut him off. _You don't think I know that? _ 'Look, I understand that in a case like this you might want to look into the background a little, but I think she'd really rather keep this as quiet as possible.' He lowered his voice. 'We already have her rapist indicted and awaiting trial and I can't see how what happened today could otherwise concern her OB-GYN, so if we could avoid getting her involved I think-'

The doctor rolled his eyes impatiently. 'No, Sir, you don't understand. I don't want to call her OB to gossip, I need to call her OB because what happened today obviously concerns the babies.'

_What? _Elliot frowned. 'The babies?' _What in fuck's name is he talking about?_

'Sir, I'm really sorry to have to be the one to tell you this, and I was really hoping that by getting your girlfriend's OB here to explain I could make this a little easier, but...' The doctor sighed. 'But I'm afraid that what happened today has had fatal consequences regarding the female baby.'

_The fuck?_ Elliot just stared at him. 'The female baby?' _What female baby? Is this meant to be some kind of fucked up joke, because it's not funny-_

The doctor nodded sadly. 'Yes, Sir. Our OB Dr Quinn has confirmed it using an ultrasound.'

Elliot just shook his head wordlessly.

_Oh God._

_Oh my God._

He looked at Olivia, stroking the palm of her hand with his thumb.

_Olivia's not pregnant._

_How could she be pregnant?_

_Well, Elliot, when a man and a woman-_

_Yes, I know that, but... but... _

_Oh God, she is._

_She is pregnant._

_Is it... is it mine?_

_Of course it's mine._

_No, no, not like that, I mean, is it... is it... _He felt his stomach turn over._ Is it... is it His?_

_No, no, it can't be, I mean, yes, we used a condom, but-_

He stopped.

_No, Elliot, you didn't. _

_You took it off because it was hurting her._

_I did, oh God, I really did... _Elliot felt a sudden burst of hope. _It's mine, it has to be mine, really, properly mine..._

_Elliot. Neither did he._

_Oh God, oh God, he didn't, of course he didn't... _He buried his face in his hands._ Oh God, this all just keeps getting worse and worse..._

_It doesn't matter._

He looked at Olivia and squeezed her hand.

_I don't care whose genes it has, it's still my daughter._

_Of course it is._

_But..._

Elliot's stomach lurched.

_But..._

_But he said..._

_Oh my God._

He felt like someone had kicked him in the chest.

_No, it can't, it can't, that's not possible, oh God..._

'My...' Elliot swallowed, suddenly terrified that he was about to throw up. 'My daughter's dead?'

'Yes.' The doctor looked at him sympathetically. 'The benzodiazepine overdose caused your girlfriend to become increasingly bradycardic, which in turn caused her blood pressure to drop significantly.' He sighed and closed Olivia's chart. 'She went into shock, and as a result of this, despite our best efforts, the female baby died before we were able to stabilise her.'

'Oh my God...' Elliot shook his head blankly. 'Oh my God...' _Oh my God, this can't be happening, Olivia can't have lost our baby, my daughter can't have died before I ever got to know her, it just... it just can't... _'No, you don't understand, this can't be happening...' _I would have known if she was pregnant, I would have felt it if my daughter had died, I know I would..._

'There was nothing we could have done, Sir. Even if the baby was still alive when Ms Benson arrived at the hospital, which is unlikely, it couldn't have lived more than another few hours at most.' The doctor sighed again. 'The good news, though, is that the male twin appears healthy - strong, steady heartbeat, good foetal movement - and Dr Quinn sees no reason for concern at this point.'

'There's-' Elliot looked up, feeling a faint twinge of hope. 'There's a male twin too?' _He's alive? He's healthy?_

The doctor looked surprised. 'Well, yes...' An odd look flickered across his face. 'I mean... they are YOUR children, aren't they, you did know-'

'Yes.' Elliot cleared his throat. 'Yes, they are. Of course they are.' _How could they ever be anything else?_

The doctor nodded and flipped Olivia's chart back open. 'OK, well, if you can give me her OB's details then I can call and arrange a follow-up in a couple of weeks-'

Elliot cut him off. 'No.' He forced a smile. 'No, I want to see for myself. You know, that my son is OK.'

The doctor frowned. 'Well, that's really against hospital policy-'

'Please.' Elliot glanced over at Olivia. 'I almost lost my girlfriend today, you just told me yourself how close it was, and all I need is to just see her-' He caught himself. 'To just see OUR child. Please.'

'OK.' The doctor gave him an understanding look. 'OK, I'll call Dr Quinn and see what I can do.'

_**A/N: So, BIG surprise there... and believe me, Alex is going to have some fun with that in court. Congrats to Hailey for sitting on her knowledge of Olivia's pregnancy for so long (shower inspiration + knowing me rather well = guessing where my stories are going before I get there) and in the next chapter, you all have seeing her (Olivia's, not Hailey's) little boy for the first time. **_

_**(Also, trust me. This is not going to be one those fics where everything is immediately wonderful, or where everything suddenly plunges into deep melodrama, because as ever that is not how life works... Anyway, I'm going to keep this going in a similar vein as before. So, panic not.)**_

_**I hope you all liked the chapter, and please send me a review to let me know what you think - they really do make my day!  
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	29. Chapter 29

_**A/N: So... more Heritage! I know, I know, I haven't updated anything else in FOREVER, but... I don't know, Heritage has just kind of caught my imagination recently. Anyway. I can't do my usual huge note this week, because my housemate is making increasingly impatient noises about going out (what is this 'outside' nonsense?) but thank you for all your reviews, and like Hailey said - you all know how much I love you anyway :)**  
><em>

_**I hope you all like this chapter, and please send me a review to let me know what you think!**__  
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_I can't believe this is happening._

Elliot was sitting on the edge of Olivia's bed, stroking her hair and waiting nervously for the sonographer to arrive.

_I can't believe this is happening._

_I can't believe this is happening._

'Liv...' He sighed, leaned down and kissed her forehead. 'Liv, why didn't you tell me?'

_More to the point, Elliot, why the hell didn't you notice?_

_I don't know..._ Elliot shook his head, leaning forward to rest his hand on her stomach. _I really don't know... _

_Pregnancy's not exactly a subtle condition, Elliot._

_Yes, but it's not like I ever really saw her naked, and yes, I'd noticed she was a little larger when I cuddled her at night, but I just thought she was putting some weight back on at last, I mean, she was so thin before, and it's not like she's huge now, there's only a small bump, hell, Cragen looks more pregnant than she does..._

_Elliot, you suck at excuses._

_I know. I know I do._

_Almost as much as you suck at being a boyfriend._

_No, that's not fair, I take care of her, I look after her, I make her feel safe..._

_Obviously not safe enough that she'd tell you that she was pregnant._

He just shook his head.

_Why?_

_Why didn't she just tell me?_

_Maybe she didn't think you'd understand._

Elliot bit his lip and started to stroke Olivia's hair. _But of course, of course I understand..._

_Do you?_

Elliot cleared his throat. 'Liv... uh...hmm... uh...' He trailed off into silence. _Shit._ 'Uh...'

_Wow. You're very eloquent today, Elliot. When you're done here, maybe you can go write the next great American novel in that notebook thing Dr Olivet gave you._

Elliot rolled his eyes. _Well, I don't know what the fuck to say!_

_Yes you do._

_You're just afraid to say it._

Elliot swallowed awkwardly. 'Liv, I... I love you.' He leaned down and kissed her forehead, stroking the palm of her hand with his thumb. 'I love you, I do, more than anything, and... and...' He sighed. 'And I'm not going anywhere, I promise.'

_Of course I'm not going anywhere._

_Did she think I would?_

_Did she really think I would leave her if she told me she was pregnant?_

'Liv, I don't know if... if you were scared to tell me because you knew it wasn't mine, or if it was because you didn't know whose it was, but I don't care. Really, I don't.' Elliot smiled a little and squeezed her hand. 'This is our child, Liv. I'm going to look after both of you. Not because I have to, but because I want to.' He squeezed her hand. 'I'm not going to up and leave you, Liv, I promise, and I know that you know that, deep down...'

_How do you know that, Elliot?_

_Well, because... because... _

Elliot swallowed.

_Because she has to._

_She knows how much I love her. _

_How could I ever leave her?_

_I couldn't._

_I couldn't live without her._

_I'd rather die._

_Wow. Talk about melodrama, Elliot. Forget the novel, go write for 'Days of Our Lives.' You'll be set for life._

_But it's true. _Elliot sighed. _Melodrama or not, it's still true. _'I hope you know how much I love you, Liv.' He smiled again. 'And even though I've only known about our son for maybe a half hour or so, and I haven't even seen him yet, I already love him too, and I can't wait to meet him.' He raised her hand to his lips and kissed it. 'It sounds really stupid, I know, but I'm already thinking about names and planning how to turn my study into a nursery.'

_Study's kind of a strong word for 'room with boxes of books and an old table', Elliot._

_Come on, I work in there..._ Elliot squirmed uncomfortably. _I mean, yeah, not all the time, but, you know, sometimes I do..._

_The time you sat in there for two hours because there was a huge wasp in the kitchen doesn't count, Elliot._

_Oh, for fuck's sake... _Elliot rolled his eyes. _You make it sound like I was hiding or something._ 'Look, Liv, what I'm trying to say is... I love you. I love you more than anything. Finding out that you were pregnant, it... it's made one of the worst days of my life into one of the best, and while I know the circumstances aren't perfect, and I understand how difficult you might find this, that's what I'm here for.' He smiled and kissed her. 'Night feeds, school PTA meetings, Little League, girl problems... just ask, Liv, and I'll do everything I can to help. Really.' He squeezed her hand. 'I want to help raise my son, Liv.'

_She knows that._

_Of course she knows that._

_She has to know that._

Elliot sighed. 'Liv... Liv, I just wish-'

_What, Elliot? What do you wish?_

He bit his lip.

_I... I..._

_Shit._

His phone was ringing.

_For fuck's sake, I don't have time for this... _

He felt a burst of irritation, yanking the phone roughly out of his pocket to look at the caller ID.

_Alex. Again._

He clenched his fists.

_For fuck's sake..._

_Why can't she just leave me the fuck alone?_

_Can't that fucking appeal wait until tomorrow?_

He gritted his teeth and flipped the phone open. _This better be fucking good._ 'Stabler.'

'Elliot-' He heard Alex clear her throat. 'Elliot, it's me.'

_No shit. _Elliot rolled his eyes.'Look, I'm sorry, Alex, but now really isn't a good time to discuss the Meyers appeal.'

'No, Elliot, that's not why I'm calling, it's... I... uh...' He heard Alex hesitate. 'Is... is Liv OK?'

_What?_ Elliot felt a twinge of unease. 'Why, uh... why wouldn't she be OK?' _This isn't that weird 'psychic link' thing you and Liv go on about when you're drunk, is it? Because I really don't think getting a weird itch around the time your friend got stabbed counts as proof of a psychic connection-_

'I...' He could hear Alex chewing on her lip. 'I got a really odd voicemail message from her while I was in court this morning, and she sounded...she sounded as if...' She took a deep breath. 'Elliot, I've been trying to call her for hours, and she won't answer. Is she OK?'

_Not really, no. _'Well, uh... she...' Elliot trailed off. 'Uh...'

_What the fuck do I tell her?_

_Should I tell her the truth?_

_Would Liv want me to tell her the truth?_

_It's Alex, of course she'd want me to tell her the truth._

'She...' Elliot swallowed uncomfortably. 'Alex, she...'

_Wait._

A thought suddenly struck him.

_Did Alex know?_

_Did Liv tell her about the babies?_

_Oh God, does Alex know who the father is?_

_You have to ask, Elliot._

_You have to._

_Yes. Yes, I do._ He took a deep breath. 'Alex, did Liv tell you that she was pregnant?' There was a long silence at the other end of the line, and he cleared his throat. 'Alex?'

'No, Elliot.' He heard Alex sigh quietly. 'No, she didn't.'

Elliot's heart sank. _Shit. _'Well, uh...' He bit his lip, suddenly terrified that he was about to cry again. 'She was, well, she is, she was going to have twins, but... but...' His voice caught in his throat and he cursed himself. _For once, you asshole, don't make this all about you. We both know that's the reason this whole nightmare happened in the first place._ 'Alex, she... she tried to kill herself, and-'

'She what?' Alex gasped. 'Oh my God, Elliot, I-'

_Oh, for the love of-_ Elliot felt an inexplicable burst of impatience at her. _Do you really think I've got time to listen to you having a breakdown right now?_ 'Look, it's OK, she's going to be fine, I mean, she's still unconscious but she's going to live, but... but...' _Oh God..._ 'Alex, she lost one of the babies.' He shook his head blankly, tears running down his face. 'She lost our daughter.'

There was another long silence, and then Alex cleared her throat. 'How many weeks was she?'

_What?_ Elliot frowned. 'Alex-'

'You slept with her right after she was raped, didn't you?'

Elliot felt an unpleasant pang of shame. _Come on, you don't have to put it like that..._ 'Well, yes, I-'

Alex cut him off. 'When?'

_What is this, Twenty Questions? _ 'Alex, I really don't think-'

'It's important, Elliot. How long ago did you two sleep together?'

_Oh, just humour her._ 'Uh... about...' Elliot counted up the weeks in his head. 'About five or six months ago, I think, but-'

'Is that when she got pregnant?'

_I wish. _ 'I... I don't know.' Elliot sighed. 'She didn't tell me.'

'But she's not had sex with anyone else since then?'

_The fuck?_ Elliot's jaw dropped. 'No, of course not!' _Why are you doing this?_

'And you haven't slept with her again?'

'No.' Elliot glanced down at Olivia and squeezed her hand. 'No, I haven't.'

'Then she's over 24 weeks.' A calm, professional tone had come into Alex's voice. 'Thank you, Elliot.'

'That's OK, Alex, but I can't see how it would matter, I mean, the doctor said there was nothing they could have done...'

'It matters because I'm going to up the charges to include one count of murder in the first degree and three counts of attempted murder in the first degree.'

_You... what?_ Elliot blinked. 'But Alex, you can't-'

'Watch me.'

'But Alex-' Elliot heard a sharp click on the other end of the line. _What the-_ 'Alex? Alex?' He frowned. _Did she just hang up on me?_ 'Alex, what-'

'Sir?'

Elliot looked up to see a nurse wheeling a large monitor and ultrasound machine into the room on a trolley. _Finally._ 'Yes?'

'Dr Quinn requested an urgent ultrasound for-' She looked at a chart. 'Olivia Benson?'

'Uh, yeah.' Elliot stuffed his phone quickly back into his pocket and nodded at Olivia. 'She's asleep right now, but-'

'Don't worry, Dr Quinn explained the situation to me, Mr...' The nurse looked at him questioningly. 'Mr...?'

_Oh, right._ Elliot mentally kicked himself. _Idiot._ 'Stabler.' He swallowed awkwardly. 'Elliot Stabler.'

The nurse smiled politely. 'Nice to meet you, Mr Stabler.' She laughed, turning to set up the machine. 'Sorry to put you on the spot like that, but you don't like to just assume these days, do you, and I wouldn't want to go making things awkward by calling you by the wrong name the whole time!'

Elliot smiled a little, moving from the bed to the chair to allow the nurse to pull the blankets down to Olivia's hips. 'Yeah, I made that mistake a few times myself when I was starting out.' _It was especially awkward when it turned out the woman I assumed was his wife was actually the local hooker. _He smiled to himself and squeezed Olivia's hand. 'Liv's my girlfriend, but I'm hoping we'll get married before she has the babies.'

'Well, that's lovely.' The nurse finished setting up the machine and reached for the tube of gel. 'Do you have a date set yet?'

_If only. _ 'No.' Elliot laughed. 'No, I still have to persuade Liv to let me marry her at all.'

'Ah, I see.' The nurse laughed, spread the gel on Olivia's stomach and turned on the monitor. 'So. Are you excited to see your son?'

'Yes.' Elliot smiled, feeling a twinge of genuine excitement. 'Yes, I am.'

'Great.' The nurse leaned forwards and pressed the probe into Olivia's stomach. 'OK, if you'll just give me a moment...' She frowned thoughtfully, moving the probe around on the screen. 'Ah, here we go.' She stepped back a little, gesturing at the screen. 'There's your baby.'

'Oh, wow.' Elliot tightened his grip on Olivia's hand, shaking his head in disbelief. 'Oh my God...'

'There's his heartbeat.' The nurse pointed at the screen. 'It's good and strong, so there's no reason to worry about that.'

'Mmmm.' Elliot kept stroking Olivia's hand, unable to take his eyes off the screen. _Oh my God. I can't believe this is happening._ 'How many-' He bit his lip. 'How many weeks is she?'

The nurse sighed. 'Well, it's hard to tell after the first few months, babies grow at such different rates, but... given what I've seen on her chart, I'm going to guess roughly somewhere between 25 and 30 weeks.'

Elliot frowned thoughtfully.

_25 to 30 weeks..._

_Then-_

His heart sank.

_Shit._

_No, it could still be me._

_It's close, but it could still be me._

He cleared his throat. 'Are... are you sure?'

'As sure as I can be.' The nurse turned back to the screen, still moving the probe around Olivia's stomach. 'He's a strong, healthy baby, Mr Stabler. You and your girlfriend really have nothing to worry about.'

'Yes, but...' Elliot shook his head in disbelief. 'I can't believe she's so far along... she's not even showing that much, I mean, I thought she was just putting a bit of weight back on...' _You could be wrong, just tell me she's definitely 25 weeks, please..._

The nurse shrugged. 'Some women don't, especially when they're carrying the baby upright against her spine like she is.' She grinned. 'Time flies, huh?'

'Yeah.' Elliot was still staring at the monitor, stroking the palm of Olivia's hand with his thumb. 'Yeah, it does.' _Don't worry, Elliot. It could just be a big baby. You were a big baby, and so were all your other children. It could still be yours. _He squeezed Olivia's hand, breaking into a wide smile as he watched the baby moving on the screen. 'Oh, wow...'

The nurse smiled and pointed at the monitor. 'Your son is sucking his thumb.'

'I know, I can see.' Elliot smiled. _He's sucking his thumb._ He raised Olivia's hand to his lips and kissed it. _My son is sucking his thumb..._ 'He's beautiful.'

'And perfectly healthy.' The nurse smiled again. 'Feel better now?'

'Yes.' Elliot nodded. 'Yes, I do.' He took a deep breath and pointed at the other shape on the screen. 'Is that-' _Fuck, don't cry._ 'Is that his sister?'

'Yes.' The nurse sighed. 'Yes, it is, I'm so sorry...'

'That's-' Elliot swallowed awkwardly, suddenly horribly aware that he was about to cry. _Shit. Shit. _ 'That's OK, I mean, it's not like I ever got to know her.' _You can cry about this later, Elliot. This isn't about you, it's about Liv._

The nurse gave him a look. 'Mr Stabler, I've been doing this for almost twenty-five years, and something like this is never, ever easy, even for me.' She smiled sympathetically. 'I cannot imagine what you're going through right now, but I can give you some numbers for groups that might be able to help.'

_SHUT UP!_ Elliot gritted his teeth, pushing down an odd feeling of panicked impatience. _ I really, really don't want to talk about this right now. _ He cleared his throat uncomfortably, staring at the screen. 'Look, he's kicking.'

'Yes, Sir.' The nurse sighed a little and started moving the probe again. 'Yes, he is.'

_**A/N: What did you think? Did you like it? Please send me a review and let me know!**_


	30. Chapter 30

_**A/N: So, after a two week break (well, I say break, but it was more that I didn't have time to write because I was right in the middle of final show stuff) I am back, and with more Heritage! Which is, you know, hopefully a good thing. I'm glad you all liked the last chapter, and of course please let me know what you think of this one!**_

_**Also, for any Ireland-based readers - it's my final show at the University of Ulster at Belfast coming up, at the end of this week and for most of next week. So, if any of you want to come see what I do in real life (which in this case is 'making videos about being molested') you'll be very welcome!  
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_**Hailey, I adore you too. I love you with my whole kidneys (BOTH of them) and all the rest of my organs. And I'm glad you liked the chapter :)  
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_**EdibleSlaw, yeah, Alex will make a proper appearance soon enough. The thing with Alex though is that she's so tightly wound that you kind of get the sense that she would deal with something like this by looking for someone to blame - so her way of being a great friend is to throw the book at the guy. At least she has Elliot, though, and Kathy - at least until Alex gets her head around the idea properly.  
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_**SVUandBonesAddict, wasps are the spawn of Satan with yellow stripes. I'm 26, and I'm still scared shitless of them. That's one of the great things about Belfast, it's so cold and wet most of the time that we don't have much in the way of wasps. Paramilitaries, yes, but no wasps.  
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_**courtneylovejason, I know :( But, at least Elliot is there to help her through it. And if it helps, I really wanted the baby girl to live as well :(  
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_**gemfinder360, thank you! That's so sweet :)  
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_**PiperOnlyFanFic, you are very welcome!  
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_**SteffieDawn, thank you! And mixed emotions will be a fairly common feature for a while I'd say...  
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_**inspirationimagination, you're right - that is very Alex. Plus, you know what she's like about finding ways to add more charges every time she can - so goodness knows what she'd be like if it involved Olivia... And I'm glad you liked the sonogram scene, because I worked really hard to get that right :)  
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_**dark but so Lovely - here you go... I hope it was worth the wait!  
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_**nativeSOBX, we've been talking a lot on PM (though not so much the past couple weeks because of all the final preparation stuff going on here) and I'm glad you enjoy the story so much.  
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_**W.S.C. Magica De Spell - thanks!  
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_**So... long note done, and here is the brand new chapter of Heritage for you... I hope you all enjoy it, and as ever, please send me a review and let me know what you think!  
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Olivia opened her eyes, blinking against the harsh fluorescent lights.

_Where am I?_

She looked around and saw Elliot asleep in the chair next to her bed, still holding her hand.

_Oh, El..._

She smiled a little and stroked his hand with her thumb.

_I love him so much..._

_But..._

Olivia frowned.

_But why is he here too? _

_I don't understand..._

'I-' Olivia cleared her throat. 'El?'

'Liv?' Elliot was immediately awake and sitting on the bed beside her, still clutching her hand tightly in his. 'Liv, oh my God, Liv...' He bit his lip, leaned down and kissed her. 'God, Olivia, I love you so, so much, and I'm so sorry, I am, I should have seen it, I should have done something...' He wrapped his arms around her and hugged her tightly against his chest, burying his face in her hair. 'I'm so sorry, Liv, I'm so, so sorry...'

_What? _Olivia frowned and pulled away from him. 'El, what the hell is wrong with you?' She looked around, suddenly realising where she was. 'El, am I in a hospital?'

Elliot smiled reassuringly and stroked the side of her face. 'Yes, Liv, you are, and I know how much you hate them, but I'm going to get you out as soon as I can, OK, just trust me-'

'Get me out?' Olivia stared at him. 'What the fuck do you mean, 'get me out?' Why do you have to 'get me out?''

'Uh...' Elliot glanced down, shifting awkwardly on the spot. 'Well, they, uh... they have you on a temporary psych hold right now, but I'm working on it, I'm going to get you out of here and take you home with me, OK?'

'A psych hold?' Olivia stared at him. 'Why the fuck am I under a psych hold?'

'Well, because...' Elliot hesitated. _How the hell am I meant to put this?_ 'Because...' He bit his lip, squeezing her hand in his. 'Because you tried to kill yourself last night, Liv, remember?'

_She already knows she tried to kill herself, asshole, you didn't have to tell her again._

_Well, what the fuck was I meant to say?_

_How about 'it's hospital procedure', or 'it's just a technicality', or-_

'No.' Olivia shook her head, her hand tightening momentarily around his. 'No, I didn't.'

_Huh? _Elliot looked at her. 'You didn't what?'

'I didn't try to kill myself.'

Elliot bit his lip and stroked the side of her face. _Oh, Liv... _'Yes, Liv, you did-'

'No, El, I didn't.' Olivia smiled brightly. 'Why would I want to kill myself?'

Elliot sighed to himself. _Because I'm an insensitive, selfish asshole._ 'Liv...' He smiled gently at her. 'Liv, you did. You took a massive overdose of your temazepam.'

'Really? That's it? That's what you're so freaked out about?' Olivia let out an odd, high-pitched laugh. 'Jesus Christ, El, so I took some of my temazepam, so what? '

'You didn't just take SOME of your temazepam, Olivia, you took ALL of your temazepam.' Elliot sighed again and squeezed her hand reassuringly. 'That's 98 tablets, Liv, and you swallowed them with the best part of a bottle of vodka and two bottles of red wine.'

Olivia shrugged. 'Well, I was tired.'

Elliot just stared at her. 'You were tired?'

'Yes, El.' She smiled innocently at him. 'I was tired and I wanted to sleep, so I took some temazepam. You're the one who got it for me, El. I thought you wanted me to take it.'

'Liv, I-' Elliot bit his lip again, swallowing a sudden burst of guilt. _You don't think I know that I was the one who got it for you, the one who left it where you could find it, the one who almost let you die because I so damn selfish..._ He took a deep breath, fighting to keep the waver out of his voice. 'Liv... when I got back to our apartment, I found your note tacked to the door and you lying unconscious on the couch. You barely had a pulse. If I hadn't come home early, you would have died.'

'Come on, El!' Olivia rolled her eyes. 'OK, maybe I took a little too much, but do you really have to be such a fucking drama queen about it?'

_Oh, for the love of..._ Elliot felt a twinge of irritation at her. _For God's sake, can't you just let me help you for once? _'Liv, I'm not-'

Olivia cut him off impatiently. 'Look, I'm sorry if I worried you, El, but I just wanted to get some sleep, OK?'

Elliot sighed to himself. _What, and you left the suicide note there as some kind of weird practical joke?_ 'Liv, I...' He just shook his head. 'Oh, Liv...' _Why won't you just let me help you?_

Olivia smiled at him and squeezed his hand. 'I love you, El.'

'I love you too.' Elliot smiled back, leaned forward and kissed her forehead. 'And Liv, I...' He shifted uncomfortably. 'Uh...'

_You have to tell her._

_But... do I have to tell her now?_

Elliot swallowed awkwardly. 'Uh... Liv, I... uh...'

_Yes, Elliot, you do. It's not fair for everyone else to know when she doesn't._

_You can't sit there and pretend you don't know._

'Yes, El?' Olivia was looking at him expectantly.

_Elliot, she trusts you._

_You have to tell her._

_It'll be so much worse if you don't._

'Liv... uh...' Elliot cleared his throat. 'Liv, I... I know.'

'I'm glad.' Olivia smiled at him and stroked the side of his face. 'I knew you'd understand, El.'

_Nice one. _Elliot mentally kicked himself. _Try again, asshat._ 'No, not like that, I mean, yes, I do, but...' He took a deep breath. 'Liv, I know about the babies.'

'What?' Olivia's eyes narrowed almost imperceptibly. 'What the fuck do you think you're talking about, Elliot?'

'The babies, Liv...' Elliot smiled gently at her. 'I know about our babies.'

Olivia raised her eyebrows at him. 'We have babies?'

'Yes, we...' Elliot sighed. _Oh, just go for it._ 'Liv... why didn't you tell me you were pregnant?'

Olivia rolled her eyes. 'Because I'm not.'

'Liv...' Elliot smiled and stroked the side of her face. 'Liv, it's OK, I'm not going to leave you, really, I love you, Liv, I do, and I can't wait to raise our child together.' He squeezed her hand. 'Really.'

Olivia smiled patiently at him. 'Well, that's very nice of you, El, but I'm not pregnant.'

'Yes, Olivia, you are, I...' Elliot's voice caught in his throat. 'I saw it on the monitor, I saw our son, he was... he was sucking his thumb, Liv, it was amazing-'

'That's not funny, Elliot.' Olivia's voice had gotten very cold.

Elliot sighed to himself. _You don't think I know that already? _'Come on, Liv, look.' He picked one of the pictures from the sonogram up off the nightstand and put his arm around Olivia's shoulders. 'Can you see his face?' He smiled and pointed at the picture. 'He already looks just like you, Liv, I know that sounds stupid but-'

'Sorry, El.' Olivia shook her head. 'I don't see anything.'

'Come on, Liv, he's right there, look, there's his hand, see, he's-'

'El, there's nothing there.' Olivia pushed the photograph away, a definite edge coming into her voice. 'Now drop it.'

'Liv...' Elliot sighed and took her hand. 'Liv, I know this is difficult, but-'

'Elliot, ENOUGH!' She grabbed the photo out of his hand and threw it across the room. 'This is a really fucking sick joke you're playing, did you know that?'

'Liv, it's not a joke-'

'YOU'RE DAMN RIGHT IT'S NOT!' Olivia shoved him away from her. 'What the fuck is wrong with you, Elliot? Where the fuck do you get off on pulling shit like this?'

'Liv, calm down-'

'NO, ELLIOT, NO, I WILL NOT CALM DOWN!' Olivia slapped him hard across the face. 'YOU'RE TRYING TO GET ME LOCKED UP IN A FUCKING PSYCH WARD!'

Elliot blinked. _Jesus._ 'No, Liv, I'm not, really-'

'YOU ARE!' Olivia furiously swiped the tears out of her eyes. 'I know you're sick of me, El, but I'll just leave, OK, you never have to see me again, you don't have to lie and tell people I tried to kill myself and that I'm knocked up with some bastard child-'

'Liv...' Elliot sat down next to her again and put his arm around her shoulders. 'Liv, I'm not sick of you, I promise, I could never be sick of you...'

'Fuck you, Elliot, we both know that's not true.' Olivia pushed him away and crossed her arms. 'I don't know why I didn't fucking see it, all that shit you fed me about being together forever, you just wanted to fuck me and run, see how many times you could stick your dick in crazy before you got bored-'

'Liv, no-'

'What is it, El, you like them damaged?' Olivia gave him a look of disgust. 'You like the dirty little whores who want to be fucked by a complete stranger and then lie about it?'

_Jesus Christ..._ Elliot barely suppressed a wince. 'Olivia, you know that's not true-'

'Isn't it, El?' Olivia's eyes narrowed. 'Isn't it?'

'No, Liv, it's not.' Elliot sighed and brushed the hair back off her face. 'I love you, Olivia, I do, and I would never, ever think something like that about you, I promise.' He leaned in and kissed her forehead, wrapping his arms around her and hugging her tightly. 'I would do anything for you, really, I would...' He started to stroke her hair, turning his head to kiss her cheek and breathing in the familiar scent of her, horribly aware that he was about to cry himself. 'I couldn't live without you, Liv, I love you, I love you so much...'

'I just don't understand, El...' Olivia bit her lip and buried her face in the side of his neck, her arms tightening a little around his back as she felt him kiss the top of her head. 'I thought I could trust you, you promised me I could trust you...'

'Sssshhh, Liv, come on...' Elliot hugged her tighter, still stroking her hair. 'You can trust me, Liv, you know that...'

'Then why are you doing this to me, El?' Olivia pulled away and looked up at him accusingly, tears streaming down her face. 'What did I do to make you hate me that much?'

'Liv...' Elliot bit his lip, suddenly realising he could already feel tears on his cheeks. Shit. 'Liv, I don't hate you, I love you, really, I love you more than anything, I...' He swallowed awkwardly, feeling his voice catch in his throat. 'Liv, I... would you like me to call Dr Olivet for you?'

'That might be a good idea, El.' She gave him a sympathetic look and stroked his hand. 'I think you need to get some help.'

_**A/N: So, what did you think? Please send me a review and let me know!**_


	31. Chapter 31

_**A/N: So, yet more Heritage, after a little bit of a longer break than usual due to more finals stuff. I know I normally do a big long note, but as my beloved Hailey is going to be computerless all week after the next half hour or so, I decided to get it posted quick-smart instead - but I'll make it up to you next chapter, promise!**  
><em>

_**Thank you all so much for all your reviews, and I hope you like this chapter as much as you did the last one. So... as there is no big note this time... here's the chapter, I hope you like it, and please send me a review to let me know what you think!  
><strong>_

_'Please, Olivia, I'll do anything, just stay with me, OK, please...' He bit his lip and kissed her forehead. 'Please...'_

'What's-' Elliot's voice caught in his throat. 'What's wrong with her?' _She was fine a few days ago, I don't understand..._

The doctor didn't even look up from his notes. 'Well, she's been in denial about her pregnancy for a long time, and suddenly having it in front of her and forcing her to confront it was the final stressor that triggered this brief reactive psychotic episode.'

_'Why are you doing this to me, El?' Olivia pulled away and looked up at him accusingly, tears streaming down her face. 'What did I do to make you hate me that much?'_

'So if I hadn't told her she was pregnant, if I'd kept it from her until... until she was, you know, healthier...' Elliot trailed off, biting his lip. 'Was I the one who pushed her over the edge by telling her she was pregnant?'

_Olivia furiously swiped the tears out of her eyes. 'I know you're sick of me, El, but I'll just leave, OK, you never have to see me again, you don't have to lie and tell people I tried to kill myself and that I'm knocked up with some bastard child-'_

'No, Sir.' The doctor gave him a reassuring look. 'Brief reactive psychoses can occur following anything that would be considered by the individual to be a catastrophic life event. It wasn't anything you did.'

Elliot sighed to himself. _I wish I could believe that._ 'So why didn't it happen right after she was raped?'

_Elliot understands. Go and find Elliot. She was going to go and find Elliot, and he'd make everything OK. He always did. He'd be able to make this better, right? Right?_

_Of course he could._

'Because she suppressed it. She shut herself off from the world and built herself a new one, one that revolved entirely around you and her idea of you as some perfect protector.'

_'El doesn't drink, not any more, he says he wouldn't feel like he'd be able to protect me if he'd been drinking...' She smiled. 'He's always thinking of me...'_

Elliot's stomach lurched_. Oh God, you did this to her, you screwed her up so bad that she... that she..._ He fought back a sudden burst of nausea. 'But... but she didn't always think that, sometimes she yelled at me, blamed me-'

_She began to pound on his chest with her fists. 'Bastard, bastard, bastard, BASTARD...'_

'She either loved you or hated you? You were either her saviour or her enemy?'

_She shoved him hard again but he just wrapped his arms more tightly around her back. 'It's NOT, El!' Suddenly she broke down into loud sobs and threw her arms around him, burying her face in the side of his neck. 'It's not OK, El, it's not, it's not...'_

Elliot frowned. 'Yes... how did you know?' _Was there something I should have noticed?_

'Sir, PTSD has been suggested to be linked to something called borderline personality disorder, and while I don't believe she has BPD itself, it could explain some of her behaviour.' The doctor looked at him. 'You said her suicide attempt followed an argument you two had had the day before?'

_'For God's sake, Olivia, you weren't attacked, you weren't abducted, you weren't assaulted, you weren't raped, you were DRUNK.'_

Elliot felt a twinge of guilt. 'Yes, I'd... uh... I'd confronted her about her drinking, I said-'

_He sighed and stroked the side of her face. 'Liv, there's only so long I'm going to be able to bear to just sit here and watch you destroy yourself.'_

'I...' Elliot suddenly felt a cold feeling settle in the pit of his stomach. 'I told her I'd leave her if she didn't get some help...'

_'El, are... are you... are you trying to tell me that you're leaving me?' I can't live without you, I'd die if you left me, I know I would, you're all I have..._

Elliot was suddenly terrified that he was about to cry. 'But... but I...' _How could you have been so cruel, Elliot? How could you have done this to her? She loved you, she needed you, and you threatened to dump her when you knew that she was desperate for help!_ 'But I didn't mean it, I swear-'

'OK.' The doctor noted something down. 'And what happened after that?'

_'Liv, talk to me, come on, Liv, come on...' Elliot shook her again. 'Come on, Liv, talk to me, how many? How many did you take? LIV!' _

_Oh God oh God oh God oh God-_ Elliot swallowed uncomfortably. 'Uh... I don't really know, I was working the next day-'

_'NO, you don't GET it!' Olivia felt a fresh burst of panic. 'He's wonderful, he's perfect, it's ME, I'm the problem, he's all I have and I drove him away, he doesn't love me and now I have nothing, and I don't know how to make it better!'_

_Oh God, I left her, I sent her over the edge and then I left her..._ Elliot swallowed awkwardly. _No. Focus, Elliot. Stop being so damn selfish for once. _ 'But, uh, I know she tried to call her best friend...'

_'I...' He could hear Alex chewing on her lip. 'I got a really odd voicemail message from her while I was in court this morning, and she sounded...she sounded as if...' _

'And she tried to go and see her psychiatrist, but, uh, she wasn't in that day...'

_'I... I need Dr Olivet, where is she, can you call her?' She understands, Dr Olivet understands, she'll make it better, she has to..._

_'I'm sorry, Ma'am, I can't, but if you'll just tell me what's wrong-'_

'So she... she went to try and talk to our captain, and... and...'

_Cragen cleared his throat and stood up. 'Look, Liv, I'm going to call Elliot to pick you up, OK?'_

_'NO!' Olivia felt a sudden flash of panic. 'NO, HE HATES ME!'_

The doctor looked up. 'And he sent her away?'

_Olivia laughed and brushed her finger unsteadily down the side of his face. 'Come on, Cap, we see enough guys come through here who like to fuck their daughters to know that isn't an issue...'_

'He...' Elliot hesitated. _Oh God, do I really have to say this? Liv would hate it, she'd be so embarrassed, I can't do that to her..._ 'Uh...'

_'Liv, please, tell me that I can do-'_

_Olivia shook her head, tears streaming down her face. 'There's nothing, there's nothing anyone can do...'_

'He... uh...' Elliot took a deep breath. _You have to tell him, Elliot. He's trying to help her._ 'She propositioned him and he turned her down.' _And if he hadn't, I would have had to kill him, superior officer or not. _ 'And then she started crying and ran out of the precinct.'

The doctor noted something down. 'And what happened after that?'

_'Liv, talk to me, come on, Liv, come on...' Elliot shook her again. 'Come on, Liv, talk to me, how many? How many did you take? LIV!' _

'That-' Elliot swallowed, his voice catching in his throat. 'That... that was...'

_'Liv, it's OK, it's OK, you're going to be fine, just stay with me, OK?' He turned his head to kiss her cheek, took a deep breath and stuck his fingers down her throat. 'Liv, it's OK, really, it's OK...'_

'That was when she...'

_'Come on, Liv, come on, it's all right, it's all right, I know, there we go...' He kissed the top of her head and stuck his fingers deeper into her throat, clearing her mouth as she coughed. 'Liv, I need you to hang on for me, OK?'_

Elliot took a deep breath. 'That was when she tried to kill herself.'

The doctor nodded. 'So, she had experienced what she perceived as a complete rejection by everyone she cared about.'

_'El?' Olivia felt a rush of panic. 'EL?' No, no, no, no, no... 'EL, COME BACK!' Come back, come back, come back, oh God, please come back... 'EL!'_

'That rejection, followed by being confronted with evidence of her pregnancy, was enough to send her over the edge.' The doctor finished jotting something down and looked up. 'It wasn't one thing anyone did, it was an unfortunate combination of events and circumstances.'

_'I just don't understand, El...' Olivia bit her lip and buried her face in the side of his neck, her arms tightening a little around his back as she felt him kiss the top of her head. 'I thought I could trust you, you promised me I could trust you...'_

'But... I mean... I...' Elliot swallowed awkwardly. 'Why didn't she let me help her, why couldn't she have just told me she was pregnant, was she scared I would leave her, or... or...'

_Olivia pushed him away and crossed her arms. 'I don't know why I didn't fucking see it, all that shit you fed me about being together forever, you just wanted to fuck me and run, see how many times you could stick your dick in crazy before you got bored-'_

_'Liv, no-'_

'I doubt it, Sir.' The doctor gave him a sympathetic look. 'I don't think it was a deliberate deception on her part. She probably didn't tell you about your twins because in a way she didn't even know herself.'

'But... how could she not have known, how could she not have felt them moving or kicking, or... or noticed her stomach growing, that's just... that's just...' Elliot shook his head wordlessly. _That's just insane..._

The doctor sighed. 'I believe she's experiencing something called psychotic denial of pregnancy. It's where a woman is in such deep denial about her pregnancy that she makes up truly bizarre explanations for the physical symptoms, often bordering on the delusional.'

_Olivia looked up at him, her eyes wide and panicked. 'Oh God, El, I can feel it, I can feel the Dirt growing and shifting inside me, El, it's killing me, El, it's devouring my soul!'_

'I just...' Elliot just shook his head wordlessly. 'I just don't understand how this can be happening, I mean, Liv's not crazy or anything, she's just, you know, a bit... uh... a bit upset...'

_'NO, ELLIOT, NO, I WILL NOT CALM DOWN!' Olivia slapped him hard across the face. 'YOU'RE TRYING TO GET ME LOCKED UP IN A FUCKING PSYCH WARD!'_

'Experiencing an episode of brief reactive psychosis doesn't mean she has to be crazy, Sir. Often it's a one-off psychotic event rather than part of anything chronic, and once the stressor in question has been addressed there's no reason to believe that she should ever experience any further problems.'

_'Why, El, why is this happening to me, why...' Olivia looked up at him pleadingly, her breath catching and hitching in her chest as she cried. 'I'm scared, El, I don't understand, what did I do, what did I do wrong...'_

'OK.' Elliot took a deep breath, trying to control a rising sense of panic that was rapidly filling his chest. _Calm, Elliot, calm, she's going to be fine, you know she is, she's not crazy or anything, she can't be, you know that, she's just upset about everything, that's all..._ 'What can you do for her?' _Make her better, please, you have to make her better, I love her..._

The doctor flipped open Olivia's chart. 'Well, the first step will be to get her started on a regimen of antipsychotic medication, probably a high-potency drug like Haldol, which should reduce any risk to the baby as far as possible.'

_'I hope you know how much I love you, Liv.' He smiled again. 'And even though I've only known about our son for maybe a half hour or so, and I haven't even seen him yet, I already love him too, and I can't wait to meet him.' He raised her hand to his lips and kissed it._

Elliot felt a surge of relief. _Thank God. Thank God they don't have to do anything that could hurt the baby._ 'OK.' He swallowed awkwardly. 'OK, that's good.'

'Another reason I would suggest Haldol is that it can be given in single 'depot' injections every few hours, and given how uncooperative she has been so far, that is a definite advantage.'

_'NO!' Olivia yanked the IV needle out of her arm and threw the drip stand across the room. 'STOP PUTTING YOUR POISONS INTO ME!'_

_'Liv, it's not poison, it's to help you-'_

_'HE'S TRYING TO KILL ME!'_

Elliot sighed. 'And there's really no other choice besides medicating her?'

'Sir, while brief reactive psychoses almost always last less than a single calendar month, it really is essential that we treat her now and get her symptoms under control as soon as possible. While I appreciate your obvious concern for the health of your child, right now he's at more danger from her erratic behaviour than he would be from the Haldol.'

_'Look, Liv, look at our son, he's beautiful-'_

_'HE'S A MONSTER!' Olivia started to kick out at him, punching herself harder and harder in the stomach as Elliot tried to restrain her. 'HE KILLED HIS SISTER!'_

'One of the primary aims in managing a patient suffering from this kind of psychosis is the prevention of harm to themselves or others.' The doctor closed Olivia's file. 'While her condition will almost certainly resolve itself within a few weeks, in the meantime I'd judge her to be a serious risk to both her own health and that of her unborn child.'

_'Let me die, El, let me die, why couldn't you have just let me die, El?' Olivia curled up on her side, hugging her knees to her chest and staring vaguely at the wall as tears ran down her face. 'Let me die, El, please, just kill me, El, kill me, I don't want to live, you have to let me die...'_

Elliot sighed and glanced down the hallway towards Olivia's room, an unpleasant heavy feeling settling in his gut. _You know what you have to do, Elliot. _ 'OK. What do you need me to sign?'

_**A/N: So, what did you think? Please send me a review and let me know!**_


	32. Chapter 32

_**A/N: So, I had written out a long, long note... and then Opera crashed. Fuck. And I'm lazy, and can't be bothered to write the entire thing out again, because it took me almost twenty minutes, I'm tired, and my cat is yowling for food. So... my apologies. But if it helps, Mr Francis (the cat) is very grateful for your understanding. At least for now. He is, after all, a cat, and thus fickle/demanding/selfish.**_

_**Anyway...  
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_**Here is my brand-new-just-finished-this-morning-while-sleep-deprived chapter of Heritage! (so, please forgive any typos. Also, my beloved Hailey is away and couldn't proof it. Apologies.) **_

_**I hope you all like it (if that's the right word) and, as ever - please send me a review to let me know what you think!**__**  
><strong>_

Olivia opened her eyes.

_Why does El's room smell like sick?_

_Except..._

She frowned.

_Except I'm not in El's room..._

_El, what..._

_Wait..._

A cold feeling settled in her stomach.

_No..._

_No, that's not..._

_No it's not it's not it's not it's NOT-_

She felt a sudden flash of panic.

_No..._

_No, no, no..._

_Oh God my hands my hands are-_

'El?' She yanked desperately at the wrist restraints, her eyes wide with fear. 'El, what's happening?' _Help me, El, help me, please, you have to help me!_

'Liv, it's OK, I'm here, I'm here...' Elliot was immediately beside her, stroking her hair and murmuring soothingly. 'Sssshhh, Liv, it's OK, it's OK...'

'Why have you chained me up?' Olivia looked at him tearfully. 'Why am I in handcuffs?' _Oh God, I knew he'd realise how evil I was, he knows, he knows, he hates me, oh God..._

'Liv, I...' Elliot swallowed uncomfortably, forcing back a rising sense of guilt. _Oh God, I knew I shouldn't have let the doctor put these on her._ 'It's OK, Liv, they're not handcuffs, they're only wrist restraints, OK, it's not because you're bad, it's because... because...' He hesitated. 'It's to keep you safe, Liv.'

'No...' Olivia shook her head blankly. 'No, no, no, no...' _I thought you loved me, El, you told me that you loved me, you promised that you loved me..._

Elliot sighed. 'Liv, I...'

_I can't believe you're actually doing this to her._

He shifted uncomfortably, pushing back a fresh pang of guilt.

_I'm not doing it to her, I'm doing it for her..._

_Yeah, you just keep telling yourself that._

_God, you're such an asshole._

He sighed, took Olivia's hand in his and squeezed it tightly.

_I know._

_I know I am. _

He swallowed awkwardly, leaning in to kiss her cheek. 'Liv, it's OK, it's not forever, OK, it's just until you feel a bit better-'

_Why does he keep SAYING that?_ 'No, you have to make them let me go, El, they can't keep me here, get Alex to sue them or something-'

Elliot cut her off. 'No, Olivia.' _Please don't make this any harder for me._

_What?_ Olivia blinked in surprise. _But he never says no to me... _'Well, then let me call her, Alex will help, I know she will!' _She still loves me, even if you don't._

'Liv, she won't.' Elliot sighed heavily and stroked her cheek. 'You need to stay here for a while, and Alex agrees with me.'

'I... she...' Olivia felt like someone had punched her hard in the gut. 'She does?' _Why does everyone hate me? What did I do wrong?_

_You know what you did wrong._

_But... but I didn't mean for it to happen, they know that, they told me they knew that..._

_And you actually believed them?_

_Yes, yes, I did, I thought... I thought..._ Olivia bit her lip, tears running down her face. _I thought they loved me... _

_Please._

_No one could ever love you._

_No, no, I... I..._ Olivia felt a sudden surge of desperation. 'No, El, please, they can't keep me here, you can't let them keep me here, please, they can't, they can't...'

'Liv, they can.' He smiled sadly at her and squeezed her hand. 'I'm sorry, but they can, and they are.'

'No!' Olivia shook her head frantically, forcing back an overwhelming sense of panic. 'No, El, they said it was only temporary, you said it was only temporary-'

'It was, Liv, but... but...' _Elliot, you have to tell her._ 'Olivia... I signed a form giving them permission to keep you here.'

'You-' Olivia blinked. 'You... why, El, why would you do that to me, I know you don't want me but-'

'Because I thought you'd be safer here, Liv.' Elliot smiled gently at her. 'I'm not going to leave you, I promise, it's just... I think you need more help than I can give you right now.' _However much it kills me to say it._

'What?' Olivia stared at him in confusion. 'Why, El? You're all I need, all I've ever needed was you, why would I need anyone else?' _You promised you'd protect me..._

Elliot felt an unpleasant twinge of guilt_. This is your fault, you arrogant bastard. You've let her build you up in her head into something you're not._ 'Well, to, uh...' _To stop you from punching yourself in the stomach so hard you left bruises. _'To...' _To stop you from tearing out your IV line every five seconds. _ 'Well, uh, to...' _To stop you from smashing your head against the walls screaming that you wished you were dead. _ 'Uh...'

Olivia's lower lip started to tremble. 'Why do you hate me, El?' _Why did you have to lie and tell me you loved me?_

Elliot sighed. 'I don't, Liv, of course I don't, I love you, really, I do-'

'Then why won't you let me go home, El? All I want to do is go home, I want to be with you, I don't want to be here, El...' _I love you, El, I love you so much, why can't you just love me back, that's all I want, that's all I've ever wanted..._ She looked tearfully up at him, a note of pleading coming into her voice. 'El, please...'

'Ssssh, Liv, I know...' Elliot started to stroke her hair soothingly. 'I know, Liv, I know-'

_NO!_ Olivia felt a rush of panic. _NO NO NO NO NO- _ 'Elliot, I want to go home, please let me go home, I don't like it here!' _Why won't you listen to me, please, please, you have to believe me, El, you have to..._

'I know you don't, Liv, but it won't be for long, OK?'

'You said you'd take me home with you!' Olivia looked at him accusingly. 'You PROMISED!'

'I know, I know I did, but...' _But that was before._ Elliot bit his lip. 'Liv... you're not well.'

_Oh, for FUCK'S sake..._ Olivia had to fight the urge to actually roll her eyes. _I'm fine, why can't he just accept that I'm fine? _'No, El, I'm fine, promise!' She smiled brightly. 'See, I'm fine, El, I'm fine, I am, I'm fine-'

'Liv, I-'

'I'M FINE, ELLIOT!' Olivia took in a deep, wavering breath, and then she burst into tears. 'I want to go home, El, I want to go home...'

'I know you do, Liv, and I want you to as well, but...' Elliot hesitated. _How the fuck do I make this better?_ He cleared his throat. 'Look, it won't be for long, OK? You don't even have to worry about taking those nasty green tablets any more, and they won't be trying to put that IV back in, because-'

'Really?' Olivia's face brightened. 'You're not going to let him poison me any more?' _Oh my God, he loves me, he does love me..._

_Great._ Elliot mentally kicked himself. _Nice one, asshole._ 'No, Liv, you'll still have to have your meds, it'll just be in single injections, so-'

'I-' Olivia's eyes widened in terror. 'No, no, no, no, no, please...' _Oh God, he's paying them, he's actually paying them to kill me, he wants me dead, oh God, how could I have been so stupid... _ 'No, El, no...' _I loved you, El, I loved you..._

Elliot sighed. 'Come on, Liv, it's going to make you feel better-'

'NO!' Olivia grabbed his hand, clutching it so tightly that he could feel her fingernails digging into his palm. 'No, no, please, El, please, El, don't let him do it, he's trying to poison me, El, PLEASE...' _DON'T YOU KNOW GREEN MEANS POISON?_

'No, Liv, he's not, he's trying to help you, OK?' Elliot stroked the side of her face. 'It's OK, Liv, sssshhhh, come on...'

Olivia shook her head desperately. 'No, El, NO, they're killing me, El, I can feel my organs coming loose inside me, El...' _You have to believe me, El, you have to..._

Elliot felt a pang of sadness. 'No, Liv, that's our baby kicking, remember?'

'No, no, El, no, why are you doing this, I'm not pregnant, I keep telling you, why won't you just believe me, El?' Olivia looked pleadingly up at him. 'Please, El, I thought you loved me, don't let him kill me, El, please...' _Why won't you help me?_

'Liv, sssshhhh, come on, the doctor says you-'

'NO!' Olivia reared up in bed, fighting against the wrist restraints. 'HE'S LYING, HE'S THE ONE TRYING TO KILL ME, EL! WHY WON'T YOU JUST BELIEVE ME? WHY WON'T YOU BELIEVE ME, EL?'

'Sssshhhh, Liv, I know, it's OK...'

'NO! WHY DON'T YOU ASK HIM WHAT ZC STANDS FOR, EL?'

'Liv, come on-'

'IT'S CODE! IT'S CODE FOR WHAT HE'S TRYING TO DO TO ME!'

Elliot sighed to himself. In an odd way, it was actually better to see her angry again. Over the past week, she'd stopped fighting and mostly just lay in her bed and cried, and for some reason that seemed so, so much worse. He pushed away a rising sense of guilt and started to stroke her hair. 'Come on, Liv, it's OK...'

'No, El, it's not, it's not...' Olivia started to cry harder. 'No, El, please...' _Please don't let me die like this, please, just take me home and kill me there, stab me or shoot me in the head or... or... _She looked up at him, silently pleading with him. _Just don't let me die chained to a bed in a psych ward, El, please, I'm begging you..._

_Oh, Liv..._ Elliot bit his lip and looked at the doctor. 'Look, a cop I know from Major Case said his mother had been on a drug called Thorazine, and that it was really helpful...' _And this Haldol crap seems about as useful as pissing into the wind and hoping for rain._ 'Could we maybe, you know, try her on that?'

'Sir, while Thorazine can be a very effective antipsychotic, it's also contraindicated for use during pregnancy because it's known to be teratogenic.' The doctor smiled patiently. 'I appreciate your concern, but it's just a question of finding the minimum effective dose of Haldol. Yes, it takes time, but giving her Thorazine could increase the risk of birth defects, and given the extent of her alcohol consumption during her pregnancy I think the risks would outweigh the benefits in this case.'

'NO!' A flash of panicked rage crossed Olivia's face. 'STOP SAYING THAT, I'm NOT PREGNANT, I'm NOT, what kind of a selfish monster would I have to be if I was, how evil do you think I am that I'd deliberately ruin my child by starving it, by poisoning it-'

'Liv, that's not what he's saying-'

'It is, it is, it's... it's...' Olivia shook her head, curled up on her side and sobbed, tears streaming down her face. 'No... no, no, no, no, no...' _It's not possible, it's not possible, I know it isn't, it can't be..._

'Sssshhhh, Liv, come on, it's OK...' Elliot knelt down next to her bed and kissed her forehead. 'Come on, Liv, ssssshhhh...'

'El, no, I'd never hurt my baby, you know I'd never hurt my baby, you have to know that, you have to know I'd never... I'd never...' Olivia started to cry harder. 'El, no, I wouldn't, I know I wouldn't, I couldn't...'

_I know._ Elliot smiled sadly at her and stroked the side of her face. _I know you wouldn't, not deliberately._ 'Liv, I know, I know you would never mean to hurt our child...'

'El, I... no, no, oh God, I couldn't, I know I couldn't, I... I...' Olivia trailed off, a look of horror dawning on her face. 'Oh... oh God, oh no, oh no, El, no, please...'

Elliot's heart sank. _Shit._ 'Come on, Liv, sssshhhh, it's OK, I'm here...'

'El, I killed our child, I did, I... I...' Olivia let out a high-pitched wail. 'Oh my God, El, I'm so awful, I... oh God... oh God, I don't deserve to live, El, oh God, no, no, no, please, El...'

'Liv-'

'Why didn't you just let me die, El?'

_Oh, Liv..._ Elliot bit his lip and started to stroke her hair. 'Because... because I couldn't, Liv, I just couldn't, not-'

'You should have just let me die, El, you... you...' Olivia shook her head, staring blankly into space. 'You should have just let me die...' _Oh God, my baby, I killed my baby, that's why they hate me, that's why they want me to die..._

'No, Liv, I shouldn't, because it wasn't your fault, you know that, it wasn't you who did this, it was... it was...' _It was me. I did this. _'Liv, I...' Elliot took a deep breath. 'Liv, I know how desperate you were, how desperate you must have been to even consider hurting yourself, and... and...' _And I should have seen it and stopped it. I should have done something. I should have helped you. _He sighed to himself, smoothing her hair back off her face. 'Liv, I couldn't live without you. I wouldn't be better off without you, and what happened last week wasn't your fault. I know that, and so do you.' He smiled sadly at her, leaned in and kissed her cheek. 'Really.'

Olivia just rolled her eyes. 'Stop lying to me, El.' _And stop telling me what I'm meant to think._

_Oh, for the love of..._ Elliot felt an unexpected twinge of impatience. 'I'm not lying, Olivia.' _Why can't you just believe me for once?_

'Yes! Yes, you are, you-' Olivia stopped suddenly, her eyes widening.

_Oh my God. _

_On no..._

_No no no no no no no..._

_I..._

She shook her head in disbelief.

_I can't believe I actually fell for it._

_I can't believe I almost let you do this._

_Bastard._

_BASTARD._

_BASTARD BASTARD BASTARD BASTARD!_

Olivia shook her head blankly. 'Oh my God, you bastard, you utter bastard...' _How could you DO this to me? _

Elliot frowned. _What?_ 'Liv-'

'You BASTARD!' Olivia bolted upright and lunged at him, fighting against the restraints. 'HOW COULD YOU DO THIS?'

Elliot blinked. _Jesus._ 'Do... do what?'

'YOU... YOU...' Olivia's face contorted in hatred, her eyes wild. 'LIE! MAKE ME THINK I WOULD TRY AND KILL MYSELF! TRY AND TELL ME THAT I KILLED OUR CHILD, WHEN... WHEN...'

'Liv-'

'I KNOW WHAT YOU'RE DOING, EL! THAT'S WHY YOU WANT TO KEEP ME HERE, WHY YOU'RE LETTING THE DOCTOR POISON ME, MANIPULATING ME INTO ACTUALLY BELIEVING I WAS PREGNANT WITH SOME MONSTROUS CHILD-'

'Liv, he's not monstrous, really, I saw him, he's beautiful-'

'STOP LYING, EL, HE'S NOT REAL, NONE OF THIS IS REAL!'

_Oh God..._ 'Yes, Liv, it is-'

'YOU'RE ALL LYING! ALL OF YOU ARE WORKING TOGETHER, DRUGGING ME UP TO MAKE ME BELIEVE ALL YOUR LIES, I... I...' Olivia's shoulders sagged, all the fight suddenly seeming to go out of her. 'Why, El?' She looked at him, tears streaming down her bright red cheeks. 'Why?' _All I wanted was for you to love me, El..._

'I don't know, Liv.' Elliot sighed, watching her lie back down on the bed and turn her back on him, hunching up into a ball. 'I really wish I did.'

_**A/N: So, what did you think? Please send me a review and let me know!**_


	33. Chapter 33

_**A/N: So, yeah, I've been away for a little while... sorry about that, I've been kind of depressed, and it's kind of exhausting making everyone think you're happy all the time... so it doesn't really leave much energy for writing. Hopefully though you'll think this chapter was worth the wait, because it's been a long while since I wrote anything and I think I've gotten a little rusty... so yeah. Fingers crossed. I'm going to try and get a start on some more Grievance and/or Judgement in the next week or so, because I know it's been ages, but in the meantime I have the next chapter of Heritage all plotted out so that might be next.**_

_**This chapter has basically ended up being part one of two, because it was ending up seriously long and I had to divide it, if only to avoid giving all of you eyestrain. This one is mostly her relationship with Elliot, but the next one is mostly about the baby, so you have that to look forward to (if that's the right word, which to be honest it feels like it isn't. Oh well.)**_

_**Thank you all for your wonderful, WONDERFUL reviews, and I really hope all of you who had exams think that they went well... because, let's face it, exams are a bitch and one of the number one reasons Fine Art is such an awesome subject is that we don't have exams. Ever.**_

_**Anyway... here is the brand new, long awaited (I hope) new chapter of Heritage... I hope you all like it, and please, PLEASE send me a review to let me know what you think!**_

'Hi Olivia.' Dr Olivet put down her bag and sat on the chair beside Olivia's bed. 'How are you doing?'

_Better before you got here and told Elliot to leave._ Olivia shrugged. 'Fine.'

'I've been very worried about you, Olivia.'

Olivia snorted derisively. 'Fuck you.'

'Don't you believe me?'

'Of course I fucking don't.' Olivia rolled her eyes. 'I'm crazy, I'm not stupid.' _Don't you think I know that no one gives two shits about me?_

'Really?' Dr Olivet raised an eyebrow at her. 'You think you're crazy?'

'Come on, look at me, I'm stuck in a fucking psych ward in this horrible little room which locks from the outside!' Olivia gestured angrily around the room. 'All the damn furniture is bolted down and they won't even let me have proper fucking sheets, like I'm some kind of stupid fucking child!'

'You didn't answer my question, Olivia.'

'Yes.' Olivia gritted her teeth. 'Yes, I did.' _Now drop it before I say something I might regret._

'No, Olivia, you didn't.' Dr Olivet smiled gently at her. 'I asked you if you thought that you were crazy.'

_Fuck you._ 'And?'

'And do you?'

Olivia laughed bitterly. 'What the hell do you think?'

'It doesn't matter what I think, Olivia.'

'Like fuck it doesn't.' _You're the one with all the power._

'Do you think you're crazy, Olivia?'

_Oh, for fuck's sake..._ 'Don't try and bullshit me, you're a fucking shrink.' Olivia rolled her eyes again. 'How much is El paying you to be here, huh? You charge extra for coming all the way to this shit pit, or because it's the weekend?'

'He hasn't paid me anything, Olivia.'

Olivia's eyes narrowed dangerously. 'Don't fucking lie to me.' _You don't think I've noticed him cutting back on everything, emptying his savings and his 401(k), trying to find the money to pay you?_

'I'm not.' Dr Olivet put down her notepad. 'I'm not here to help you because I'm being paid. I offered to come because I've come to consider you as a friend.'

'You,' Olivia looked at her, a cold tone coming into her voice, 'Are NOT my friend.'

'Really?' Dr Olivet raised her eyebrows at her. 'I'm not?'

_If you were then you'd leave me alone._ Olivia just crossed her arms and looked away, staring intently at a stain on the floor.

'OK, Olivia.' Dr Olivet picked up her notepad again. 'Why don't we talk about why it was you tried to kill yourself?'

_Oh, for fuck's sake..._ Olivia pushed back a wave of impatience. _Why do people keep ASKING me that? _'I didn't try to kill myself.'

'Didn't you?'

'No.' Olivia rolled her eyes. 'Why the fuck would I do that?'

'Well, why do you think you might have wanted to, if you had?'

'But I didn't!' Olivia let out a cry of exasperation. 'I didn't try to kill myself!' _Why won't you just leave me the fuck alone?_

'Hypothetically speaking, Olivia.'

Olivia snorted. 'Hypothetically my ass.'

Dr Olivet looked at her with interest. 'Why are you so resistant to this, Olivia?'

_Fuck off and die._ 'I'm not.'

'You are.'

Olivia ignored her. 'You're a psychiatrist, aren't you?'

Dr Olivet nodded patiently. 'Yes, I am.'

'Well, then you should probably fucking know why it is that people want to kill themselves.' _Dumbass._

'Should I?'

'Yes.' Olivia looked her in the eye. 'You should.' _You should have been able to help me._

'Well, from my experience, Olivia, the reason why people try to kill themselves is because they've been through more pain than anyone could bear.'

Olivia forced a laugh. 'Yeah, but I'm not just anyone, am I?'

'You're not?'

'No.' Olivia swallowed awkwardly. 'I'm me.'

'I know you are.' Dr Olivet smiled gently at her. 'It's OK to admit that you're afraid, Olivia.'

Olivia's eyes narrowed. 'Fuck you, I'm not afraid.' _Why does everything have to be about fear with you?_

'You're not?'

_Of course I'm fucking not! _'No, I'm a cop.'

'What does that have to do with being afraid?'

_Everything._ 'I'm not afraid.' _So there._

'Are you sure?'

_Enough._ Olivia gave her a dirty look. 'Go fuck yourself.'

'OK, Olivia.' Dr Olivet sighed and put down her pad. 'Would you like me to go?'

_Yes, now fuck off._ 'I-' Olivia hesitated, feeling an odd twinge of panic. _No. Fuck off. Just tell her to fuck off._ 'Uh...'

'Olivia?'

Olivia shook her head and quickly wiped her eyes. 'No.'

'You want me to stay?'

_Yes! Yes yes yes yes YES!_ Olivia swallowed awkwardly and nodded. 'Mmm-hmm.'_ Please, please don't leave me here... _

'OK, then.' Dr Olivet smiled and picked up her notepad. 'Well. What would you like to talk about?'

Olivia gritted her teeth. _Come on, I said I wanted you to stay here, not that I wanted you to fucking make me talk to you._ 'How the hell should I know?'

'Because I'm here to help you, Olivia.'

Olivia bit her lip. _Then you shouldn't have sent Elliot away._ 'Mmmm...'

Dr Olivet sighed again. 'Well, would you like to know why I think you wanted to kill yourself?'

Olivia shrugged. 'Sure.' _This should be fun._

'I think that you felt that killing yourself would be easier than facing the source of your pain, and that when you realised you'd failed-'

'I DON'T FAIL!' Olivia felt an unexpected surge of oddly panicked rage. 'I DON'T FAIL, I NEVER FAIL!'

'Olivia, calm down-'

'NO, YOU THINK I'M A FAILURE, THAT I... THAT I..._' You think that I did this, that I did this to myself, that I WANTED this..._

'I'm sorry, Olivia, that wasn't what I meant-'

_Shut up shut up shut up SHUT UP-_ 'Look, I get it, OK!' Olivia let out a cry of exasperation. 'I know, I'm awful, I'm hideous, I'm evil, OK, you don't have to rub it in my face-'

'Olivia, I didn't say that.'

'You didn't HAVE to!' _You don't think I know what you're thinking? You don't think I know what everyone's thinking? You don't think that I know that you know what I am, what I've done, what I... what I..._

Dr Olivet smiled patiently. 'Olivia, I don't think you tried to kill yourself because you wanted to die, I think that you tried to kill yourself to avoid confronting the pain you felt.'

Olivia snorted. 'Oh yeah?' _It never occurred to you that maybe I knew that I deserved to die? It never occurred to you that maybe, just once, I knew best?_ 'You do, do you?' _Stupid self-righteous know-it-all bitch..._

'Yes, Olivia, I do, and I think that when you realised that you had survived you responded by retreating into a delusional state, rather than force yourself to face reality.'

'What?' Olivia burst out laughing. 'You think I WANT to be crazy?' _How fucked up do you think I am?_

'No, I don't, but I do think your brief episode of psychosis was a kind of defence mechanism.'

'Oh, for fuck's sake...' Olivia rolled her eyes. 'See, this is why I hate shrinks, they always read too much into fucking everything, find some deep meaningful reason for everything, making anything simple into a whole complicated nightmare!'

'OK, Olivia.' Dr Olivet turned the page on her notepad. 'So why do you think you might have tried to kill yourself?'

'Because...' Olivia looked away, silently fidgeting with the hem of her T-shirt. 'Because I don't deserve to live.' _Child killers should be forced to pay for what they've done._

'Why do you think that?'

'You know why.' _I know Elliot told you about the baby. I know he told you what I did to her._

'Do I?'

_Yes._ Olivia stared at her knees, biting down hard on her lip and silently willing herself not to cry. _I wish you didn't, but you do._

'Olivia?'

Olivia ignored her, still twisting the hem of her T-shirt around her fingers.

'USMC, huh?' Dr Olivet smiled and gestured at Olivia's T-shirt. 'Is that one of your fiance's shirts?'

'Boyfriend.' Olivia gritted her teeth. 'He's my boyfriend.'

'Oh, I'm sorry, I had the impression that you-'

'Well, we're not.' Olivia's voice was suddenly very cool and clipped. 'Do you think we could move on now?'

'OK, Olivia, why don't we-'

_Shut up shut up shut up SHUT UP-_ Olivia felt a sudden burst of irritation. 'Look, I said no, OK?'

'Olivia-'

'He asked me, and I said no.' Olivia sat back against the pillows and crossed her arms. 'So there.'

'Why did you say no?'

Olivia gave her a cold look. 'I don't have to justify myself to you.'

'No, Olivia, you don't. It just seemed very important to you that I understood that he had asked you, and that you had been the one to turn him down.'

_Stupid over-thinking bitch..._ Olivia rolled her eyes. 'If you say so.'

'Why do you think that might be?'

Olivia shrugged.

'Do you love him?'

Olivia nodded and wiped her eyes.

'Do you think that he loves you?'

Olivia nodded silently, staring down at her knees. _Leave me alone, leave me alone, don't make me think about this, please..._

'Didn't you think he meant it?'

Olivia shrugged again.

'That's not an answer, Olivia.'

_Oh, for fuck's sake... _Olivia gritted her teeth, trying to hide her irritation. 'Well, yeah, OK, I guess.'

Dr Olivet raised her eyebrows at her. 'You guess?'

'Yeah.' Olivia looked her in the eye. 'I guess.'

'Why do you guess?'

'Well, because...' Olivia shifted awkwardly. 'You know...'

'I don't. Why don't you explain?'

'Well, he... he'd gone to get his grandmother's ring from his mother, you know, while I was... uh...' _While I was drugged up to my eyeballs on crazy pills._ 'While I was, you know, sleeping...'

'He did?'

'Yeah, and he, uh...' Olivia rubbed the back of her neck uncomfortably. 'He persuaded one of the doctors to let him take me for a walk out into the main hospital so we could go to the cafe, you know...'

Dr Olivet looked surprised. 'Unaccompanied?'

_Yes._ Olivia nodded, trying desperately not to cry. _It was wonderful._

'Wow. That must have been difficult for him to arrange.'

Olivia shrugged.

'Why do you think he went to all that trouble?'

'Because...' _Because he loves me..._ Olivia bit her lip. 'Because he said he didn't want me to have to remember his proposal to me having taken place in a psych ward.'

Dr Olivet nodded. 'And what happened after that?'

'He went and got me a soda from the fountain, and then he gave me a german cookie from my favourite bakery, you know, the one on Eighth near Herald Square, and... and...' Olivia swallowed awkwardly. 'And... uh...'

'And?'

And...' Olivia took a deep breath. 'And then he kissed my forehead, pulled out the ring and asked me.' She smiled a little. 'It was... it was really sweet, it was wonderful... it was everything I'd ever wanted, and... and...' She laughed bitterly. 'And so I told him to go and fuck himself.'

Dr Olivet nodded and wrote something down. 'Why do you think you did that?'

'Because-' Olivia's voice caught in her throat. _Shit._ 'Because I didn't want to.'

'You didn't want to what?'

Olivia looked away, biting down hard on her lip. _Please leave me alone, please, please leave me alone, don't make me talk about this any more, please..._

'You don't want to marry Elliot?'

'No, I-' Olivia wiped her eyes. 'Well, it's not that, it's not him, it's.. it's...'

'You don't want to get married at all?'

_Of course I do._ Olivia felt a pang of sadness. 'It doesn't matter what I want. No one will ever want to marry me.' _Not now. Not any more._

Dr Olivet raised her eyebrows at her. 'Elliot does.'

'No.' Olivia shook her head and stared down at her knees, tears starting to run down her face. 'No, he doesn't. He just thinks he should.'

_**A/N: What did you think? Did you like it? Am I still OK at this? Please send me a review and let me know!**_

_**Also, Hailey, I don't know when you'll have a chance to read this, but I adore you and I miss you and I cannot wait to talk to you again! (and this is where I would put a heart if the site's formatting allowed it. Sad.)  
><strong>_


	34. Chapter 34

_**A/N: So... more Heritage! Thanks to those of you who have messaged me and reviewed me for your support, I really appreciate it, especially at a time like this. I'm afraid you may have to forgive me a few typos on this because my usual proof reader is busy being awesome, but... hopefully you'll like it anyway! I'm still working on getting my 'mojo' back, and getting lots more updates written for you to make up for the super long absence, but it might take a while... (and if you asked me to email you an unedited version I'm on it, I haven't forgotten you) so in the meantime I hope you enjoy this one, and please, PLEASE send me a review to let me know what you think!**_

_**(Also, please be nice. I don't think I'm on my usual form right now.)  
><strong>_

'So, Elliot told me you were going to have a baby in a few months.' Dr Olivet turned the page in her notepad, settling back into her chair.

Olivia sighed to herself. _Damn him._ 'Did he?'

'Yes, Olivia, he did.'

'OK.' Olivia shrugged. 'That's nice.'

'So.' Dr Olivet looked at her expectantly. 'Are you?'

_Well, duh. _ Olivia rolled her eyes. 'Well, if he says so then yes, probably.'

'You don't sound too happy about that, Olivia.'

_No shit._ 'Don't I?'

'No, Olivia, you don't.'

Olivia rolled her eyes again. 'And?'

'Well, most people are excited. They make plans, pick out names...' Dr Olivet raised an eyebrow at her. 'Have you done any of those things, Olivia?'

Olivia bristled. _Go fuck yourself. _ 'No. Should I?'

'Don't you want to?'

Olivia grimaced. 'No.'

'Why not?'

Olivia gritted her teeth. 'Because I don't.' _Now drop it._

Dr Olivet smiled at her sympathetically. 'It's OK to feel overwhelmed, Olivia. It's OK to feel sad.'

Olivia sighed heavily. 'Look, I just said I don't want to, OK?' _Why do you have to overthink EVERYTHING?_

'Olivia-'

'NO!' Olivia felt a flash of what she was fairly certain was rage. 'IT DOESN'T MATTER!' _Shut up shut up shut up shut UP!_

'Why doesn't it matter?'

'Because... because...' Olivia bit her lip, and then everything spilled out in a chaotic rush. 'Because I'm not keeping the thing anyway, OK, I'm going to give it away, wait for it to be born and then have someone take it away, someone...' _Someone better._ 'Someone who...' _Someone who deserves him._ 'Look, I'm just not going to keep it, OK, and you can't make me, you can't, YOU CAN'T-'

'Why would I try to make you keep your son, Olivia?'

Olivia just shook her head silently, staring at her knees. _I don't want him I don't want him I know I don't want him-_

'Have you talked to Elliot?' Dr Olivet looked at her carefully. 'Olivia?'

_Enough._ Olivia looked up at her, her eyes narrowing dangerously. 'Don't you fucking judge me.' _Why won't you just leave me alone?_

'Why would I be-'

'Because you are!' _I said I don't want him, isn't that enough for you?_

'Olivia, I just asked if Elliot-'

'Fuck you!' _I said LEAVE ME ALONE, now just LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE!_

'Olivia-'

'DON'T!' Olivia bolted upright, her eyes filled with rage. 'Don't you DARE feel sorry for him, don't you DARE make me feel bad for this!' _Don't you think I feel bad enough already?_

'Olivia, I-'

'NO!' Olivia cut her off. 'HE'S not the one who got attacked, HE'S not the one stuck with the baby, I AM, I'M the one who'll have to live with it, NOT HIM!'

'Olivia, calm down-'

'NO, ELIZABETH, NO, I WILL NOT CALM DOWN!'

Dr Olivet just smiled patiently. 'What is it you're so afraid of, Olivia?'

Olivia's eyes narrowed. _Can't you ever just take a fucking hint?_ 'I'm NOT, I'm NOT afraid, you're JUDGING ME, I KNOW YOU'RE JUDGING ME, AND I HATE IT, I HATE IT, AND EL HATES ME AND NOW EVERYONE HATES ME BECAUSE I'M AN UNGRATEFUL BITCH WHO WANTS TO THROW AWAY HER OWN CHILD, AND... AND...'

'I wasn't judging you, Olivia, I was just asking what your boyfriend thought about your decision.'

'Oh yeah?' Olivia rolled her eyes. 'Why the fuck do you care?'

Dr Olivet smiled again. 'Humour me.'

Olivia sighed to herself. _Oh, what the hell._ 'He... well, he...' She looked away, all the fight suddenly seeming to go out of her. _Crap. _'He, uh... he cried.' _It was awful, it was so awful, I didn't think he'd ever stop..._

If Dr Olivet was surprised, she didn't show it, 'He did?'

Olivia nodded and looked away, shifting uncomfortably. 'Yeah. He didn't want to let me see it, but he did.' _I could hear him sobbing from the bathroom down the hall._

Dr Olivet nodded and scribbled something on her pad. 'But he didn't try to stop you?'

'No, uh...' Olivia quickly wiped her eyes, still staring down at her knees. 'No, he... he just said that he loved me and that we'd do whatever I wanted to do.' She swallowed awkwardly. 'And I want to get rid of it.' _So there._

'Him.'

'What?'

'You want to get rid of him, Olivia. Not it. Him.'

_Oh, for FUCK'S sake..._ Olivia let out a cry of exasperation. 'Fine, it, him, what the fuck's the difference?' _I already told you, it DOESN'T MATTER!_

Dr Olivet sighed. 'The difference is that I'm concerned that you're trying to dehumanise your child because you're afraid that if you don't you might want to keep him.' She smiled gently at her. 'Just like you're afraid to stop being angry in case it means you have to start feeling other things like uncertainty, fear or grief instead.'

'Grief?' Olivia snorted. 'You really think I have any right to feel grief?' _Is this some kind of sick joke? Because it's not funny._

'You lost your baby, Olivia. It's normal to mourn, even as much as you would for an actual, living child. No one expects you to be able to just brush it off as if nothing happened.'

_Well, then they're idiots._ Olivia shrugged. 'If you say so.'

'Don't you think that you deserve to grieve for your child, Olivia?'

_No._ Olivia gritted her teeth, a definite edge coming into her voice. 'I don't know. I guess I haven't really thought about it.'

Dr Olivet nodded and scribbled something down on her pad. 'Do you think you would feel differently if you knew that it was Elliot's child?'

Olivia laughed bitterly. 'It's not.'

Dr Olivet looked at her, raising her eyebrows. 'From what I've heard, Olivia, there's a good chance it could be.'

'It's not.' Olivia looked back down at her knees, her hands fidgeting with the edges of the sheet. 'Trust me, it's not.' _I'd know if it was, I know I would._

'You seem very sure about that.'

_No shit._ Olivia sighed pointedly. 'Yeah, and that's because I am.' _I have to be. It's easier that way._

'Why's that?'

'Because... because...' Olivia sniffed again and wiped her eyes on the edge of the sheet. _Shit. Stop crying, stop crying NOW- _ 'Because that would be too good for me, I don't deserve that, I haven't done anything to deserve something that... that...' _Angry, angry, stay angry, you don't cry when you're angry..._

'Do you think you deserved what happened to you, Olivia?'

_Yes. _ 'What?!' Olivia stared at her. 'Where the fuck did that come from?'

'You talk a lot about deserving things. It makes me wonder if you think all of this is somehow something you deserved, some kind of punishment for some unknown wrong rather than just a terrible, terrible thing that could have happened to anyone.'

'But it didn't happen to anyone, did it?' Olivia forced a laugh, quickly swiping the back of her hand across her eyes. 'It happened to me.'

'That doesn't make it your fault, Olivia.'

_Oh, for the love of... _Olivia had to fight the urge to roll her eyes. _Doesn't she ever get bored of this crap? _ 'OK, fine, but that doesn't change the fact that this is not El's baby. It's not. It can't be. He doesn't deser-' _Shit._ She took a deep breath. _Nice one, idiot._ 'I MEAN, he's too good for that. He's too perfect for God to curse with a child that's half mine.'

'So, you think he doesn't deserve it?'

Olivia gritted her teeth. 'That's not what I said.'

'You almost did.'

_Oh for FUCK'S sake..._ Olivia had to fight back a sudden surge of impatience. 'Look, Elizabeth, are we just going to sit here and argue semantics or do you want to save us both some time and come out and say whatever the fuck it is you're getting at?' _We both know what you want to say, so grow a pair and just fucking say it._

'Well, Olivia, I seem to remember we were talking about your baby and whether you would feel differently if you knew that it was definitely Elliot's child.' Dr Olivet raised her eyebrows. 'That is, until you dodged the question.'

Olivia bristled. _Bitch._ 'I did not.'

'You did, Olivia, but that's not the point.' Dr Olivet looked at her carefully. 'Olivia... this isn't a symbol or a memento or a curse we're talking about, it's a real live child, and you're his mother.'

_But... but..._ Olivia bit her lip. _Oh no, please, please don't do this to me... _'So?'

'So, don't you feel anything?'

Olivia forced a smile. 'Nope.' _Now fuck off._

'Really? Nothing at all?'

'No, I-' Olivia's voice caught in her throat and she swallowed uncomfortably, staring down at her stomach and cradling it briefly in her hands. _I... I..._

Dr Olivet leaned forwards, looking carefully at her face. 'Olivia?'

Olivia shook her head, still looking down at her stomach. 'No.' Her voice was quiet and uncertain. 'No, I don't.' _Leave me alone, please, leave me alone, that's enough, I can't take any more..._

'Are you sure?'

Olivia nodded and wiped her eyes, biting down hard on her lip. 'Uh huh.'

'Olivia...' Dr Olivet sighed. 'Olivia, I know you don't want to talk about this, but-'

_Then why the fuck are you doing this to me? For fun?_ Olivia felt a sudden burst of impatience. 'Look, I'm sorry, but how is this any of your fucking business?' _Actually, since when was ANY of this your business?_

'I just want to be sure that you make the right choice for you, Olivia.' Dr Olivet gave her a sympathetic look. 'I don't want you to regret this in a few years, and given your current mental state I think there's a real chance that you might.'

_Oh._ Olivia bit her lip, staring at her knees. 'Well, it doesn't matter. It doesn't make any difference what I want.' _It never has._

'Why not?' Dr Olivet looked at her with interest. 'Olivia... do you think your child won't want you?'

'That's crazy!' Olivia let out an odd, high-pitched laugh. 'Where the hell are you getting all this from?'

'Well, for one thing, you keep rejecting Elliot even though you say that you love him.'

_You don't think I know that?_ Olivia smiled bitterly. 'Yes, and I do that BECAUSE I love him, not because I'm scared he's going to reject me and run away with... with that hussy from the apartment next door, or... or the mailgirl, or someone he met on the bus, or... or something!'

'OK, but you also try to push me away whenever you feel I'm getting too close.'

Olivia rolled her eyes. _Yes, that's because you're a massive pain in the ass._ 'So?'

'So, I think you find it easier to tell yourself that you don't want to keep your child than to open yourself up to the chance he might reject you, just like everyone else has.'

_My ass._ Olivia snorted derisively. 'No offence, Elizabeth, but you're full of shit.'

Dr Olivet raised an eyebrow at her. 'Am I?'

'Yes.' _Except... except... _ Olivia took a deep breath. 'Elizabeth, uh... can I ask you something?'

Dr Olivet smiled kindly. 'Of course you can.'

'Well, uh...' Olivia swallowed uncomfortably. 'Psychiatrists have to go to medical school, don't they?'

Dr Olivet nodded. 'Yes, Olivia, they do.'

'Did you go?'

'Yes, Olivia, I did.'

'I... I, uh...' Olivia hesitated. _Oh, for the love of God just say it._ 'Do you know much about babies? I mean, foetuses? Late-term ones?'

Dr Olivet sighed. 'I'm sorry, Olivia, I'm afraid I don't, but I'm sure-'

Olivia cut her off. 'Do you think he's lonely?'

'Do I what?'

'My baby, do you... do you think he's lonely?' Olivia looked up at her, a faint look of pleading on her face. 'He spends every day in there, alone, without... in silence, without...' Her breath caught in her throat. 'Do you think he misses his sister?' _Do you think he hates me for killing her?_

Dr Olivet leaned forwards, looking at her closely. 'Olivia... do you think your son hates you, or that he blames you for what happened?'

_Yes._ 'No, of course I don't, but... but...' Olivia looked away, biting her lip. 'It's just... since I found out about the baby, I... I suddenly got huge, you know, I started showing, and... and the doctor told me it was because the baby had shifted to lie differently, and that was making my bump much more prominent, so... so...'

'Olivia, it's normal for babies to move around in the womb.'

'Yes, but... but...' Olivia took a deep breath, steeling herself, and then everything poured out in a jumbled chaotic rush. 'Do you think he was deliberately hiding from me because he was afraid I'd kill him if I knew he was there?'

Dr Olivet didn't even miss a beat. 'Would you have?'

'NO!' Olivia visibly flinched, staring at her open mouthed. _What the hell is wrong with you?! _ 'Of course not, he's- it's my... it's my...' Her lip trembled and then suddenly she burst into tears. 'I don't want to hurt my baby, Elizabeth, I don't. and I don't know what to do...'

'Olivia-'

Olivia didn't seem to hear her. 'The doctor... the doctor said he's moved into the position they take before they're born, that he's just getting ready for that, but... but...' She wiped her eyes, choking back a fresh sob. _Fuck._ 'And it made me think about.. about when he's going to be born, listening to him crying and... and just ignoring him and waiting for someone to take him away rather than soothing him, knowing I'd never see him again, I... I...' She shook her head blankly, tears streaming down her face. 'I don't know what to do and there's no one to help me, Elizabeth, I can't even ask my mom because... because...' _Hold it together, Olivia, just hold it together, just a little bit longer... _ Olivia bit her lip, forcing herself not to break down. 'She'd know what to do, I know she would, but she's not here, and I... I...' She shrugged helplessly. 'And I just... I... I just... don't.'

'OK.' Dr Olivet nodded and jotted something down. 'Why do you think your mom would be able to tell you what to do?'

Olivia just stared at her. _Well, DUH._ 'Because she made that same decision herself, remember?' _God knows you've mentioned it enough times yourself._

'Well, if you think about it, Olivia, you already know what your mother decided to do.'

'So?' Olivia rolled her eyes. 'Just because she was too weak to do the right thing doesn't mean I have to be.' _My baby's innocent. He doesn't deserve to pay for my fuckups._

Dr Olivet raised her eyebrows at her. 'So you think your mother was weak?'

_Oh, for the love of..._ 'Well, no, I didn't say that-'

'You did.'

Olivia gritted her teeth. 'OK, fine, maybe I did, but I didn't mean it like that, OK?'

'How did you mean it?'

Olivia rolled her eyes again. _Fuck off and die._

'Olivia?'

Olivia gritted her teeth, forcing back a growing twinge of impatience. _For fuck's sake, don't you ever get bored of this shit?_ 'Look, can we just change the subject now?'

Dr Olivet didn't seem to hear her. 'Is it because she drank? Is it because she let herself get attacked, because she let herself fall apart, because she was selfish enough to leave you when you still needed her?'

'Fuck you.' Olivia's eyes narrowed, a steely edge coming into her voice. 'Don't you DARE talk about my mom like that.'

Dr Olivet ignored her. 'You're angry at her for leaving you, aren't you?'

'She... I...'' Olivia clenched her fists, swallowing a sudden pang of anger. 'She... she shouldn't have drank so much. She shouldn't have been so fucking careless. She shouldn't have... she shouldn't have...'

Dr Olivet leaned in closer. 'She shouldn't have what, Olivia?'

'STOP IT!' Olivia felt an unexpected surge of panic. 'My mom doesn't have anything to do with this!'

'I think she does.'

_Oh, for FUCK'S SAKE-_ Olivia let out a cry of exasperation. 'Why? Why do you think that?'

Dr Olivet sighed and sat back in her seat. 'Because I think that the reason you want her to tell you what to do is because you want someone else to tell you that you should keep your baby.'

Olivia felt an unexpected pang of hope. _Really? _'Do you... do you...' She looked at Dr Olivet, forcing herself to sound casual. 'Do you, uh, think she would?' _Say yes say yes say yes say yes-_

Dr Olivet sighed again. 'I don't know, Olivia, but it doesn't change the fact that this is a decision you have to make on your own.' Dr She smiled sadly at her and put down her notepad. 'I can't tell you what to do, and neither could your mother, because we're not the ones who would have to live with your decision.'

'Mmmm.' Olivia bit her lip and looked away, blinking back tears. _Why does this have to be so difficult, why, why can't it just be easy..._

'Olivia?' Dr Olivet was looking closely at her face. 'Are you OK?'

_No. _'Yes, I... it's just...' Olivia forced a smile, her lower lip trembling. 'Sometimes I really miss her, you know?'

'Do you miss her now?'

Olivia swallowed uncomfortably and shook her head. _Do not cry do not cry do not cry do not cry- _'Nope.'

Dr Olivet leaned forwards again and put her hand on Olivia's shoulder. 'It's OK if you do, Olivia. It's OK to admit that you miss her, just like it is to feel angry at her for dying and leaving you alone when you still needed her.'

_But... but..._ 'Elizabeth, I... I...' Olivia bit her lip, lunged forwards and threw her arms around Dr Olivet. 'I want my mom, Elizabeth, I want my mom...' She buried her face in her shoulder, her breath hitching and catching in her throat as she sobbed. 'I want my mom...'

_**A/N: Did you like it? Please send me a review and let me know! The little review box is right down there, you don't even have to sign in!**_

_**No, I'm not a review whore. Shut up.  
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_**(PS: I love you all.)  
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_**(PPS: Also, feel free to go check out Judgement and Blame, because I just updated those recently too!)  
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	35. Chapter 35

_**A/N: So, it's my first update in... well, FOREVER... what can I say, things have been pretty bad, but hopefully this'll go some way towards making it up to all of you. It's not my best work all told, for obvious reasons, so please be nice in your reviews... and please do review, because I need a bit of a boost right now, and it'll probably make me write more a lot sooner. I'm on some new meds now which also might help - so watch this space...**_

_**Thank you all so much for your supportive messages - Steph2323, I got yours the other day and it gave me the kick up the butt to finally get this bitch of a chapter out of weird patchy note form and into something passable, so thank you. Thank you to Hailey Quinn as well, for constantly letting me bend her ear about all my petty little problems - I really, really appreciate it.**_

_**If you've contacted me already about sending an unedited version of this story, I apologise for dropping the ball on this one, but FF was being a little bitch and then it just all got too much to deal with... so, if you still want one, or if you're a newbie to this story and want the full version, PM me with a contact address and I'll send it as an attachment. (I promise I'm not a telemarketer/scammer/mail order bride merchant. If I was, I wouldn't be living in West Belfast's stagnant asshole.)**_

_**Also, you might have noticed my " key is alive again! I don't know why, but I'd like to attribute it to demons, if only to imagine an epic battle of good vs evil going on beneath my computer keyboard. Also because I've been watching a LOT of X-Files lately. Meh. Sue me.**_

_**Anyway... I adore you all, thank you so much for your support, and at the risk of sounding like a review whore - PLEASE send me a review. I cannot overstate quite how much they help me.**_

"I'm sorry it's so messy in here, I haven't been around here much to clean..." Elliot put Olivia's overnight bag down by the kitchen counter, closing the front door behind them. "I've got everything set up for you, though, I got your clothes washed and, you know, your prescriptions filled..." _Why is this so awkward?_ He forced a smile. _Why the fuck is this so awkward? _ "Would you, uh, like anything to drink?"

Olivia shook her head. "No." She crossed her arms tightly in front of her, suddenly very self-conscious. "No, I'm fine." _Why is he being so weird?_

"OK." Elliot fell silent, shifting uncomfortably on the spot. _Oh God, this is awkward. This is so awkward._ "Uh..." _Quick. Say something. Anything._ "Is it... uh... nice to be home?"

_Oh yes, it's sunshine and rainbows and gambolling kittens. _Olivia nodded silently, fighting the urge to roll her eyes as she looked around the apartment. It looked different somehow, bigger, emptier-

Suddenly it hit her. "El, where's the couch?"

_Crap._ "Oh, uh..." Elliot could feel himself blushing. _Too much trouble to get a new one, was it? Nice one. _ "Uh, you know, I, um, spilled something on it, and, uh, well, it was sort of time to, you know, get a, uh, new one, so..." He trailed off, clearing his throat unconvincingly. "But we can get another one." _One you didn't try to kill yourself on._ He smiled brightly, trying to sound enthusiastic. "A better one."

"Oh." Olivia bit her lip. _Why do you keep lying to me, El?_ "OK."

There was an awkward silence.

Olivia cleared her throat. "I'm going to go change out of my hospital clothes and take a nap, El." _Anything to get away from this awkward nightmare._

_Thank God._ Elliot felt a burst of relief, and then immediately felt bad. _What, she's been home less than five minutes and you're already glad she's leaving you alone? Nice, Elliot, real nice._ "Sure, Liv, I, uh, laid your clothes out in the bedroom." Elliot gestured at her hospital sweats. "Did you want me to wash those for you?"

_I'd sooner burn them._ "Maybe." Olivia smiled uncertainly, turned, and made her way back into the bedroom, closing the door behind her.

_Fuck._ Elliot mentally kicked himself. _Way to make her feel uncomfortable, jackass, what, you couldn't have at least cleaned the place a little before you brought her home, I mean, you've had four fucking weeks to do it, Jesus-_

"El?" Olivia was back, wearing one of his T-shirts and tugging it down self-consciously to cover her thighs.

_Shit._ Elliot looked up at her. "Yes, Liv?" _Are you OK? Did I do something wrong? You know, besides being a total asshole?_

"El, I need new sweats."

"What?"

"New sweats." Olivia held up her old ones. "They don't fit me any more, El." _And I feel like some kind of monstrous seacow._

"What? Why do- OH!" Elliot mentally kicked himself. _Duh._ "Well, uh, do you want to wear some of mine?" _Because no way in hell am I leaving you alone right now without a fight._

_I wish._ Olivia sighed heavily, her shoulders sagging. "Those don't fit me either, El." _At this rate I'm surprised my ass even fit through the door into your apartment._

"They don't?" Elliot looked at her, noticing for the first time how the oversized T-shirt she was wearing was straining over her stomach. _Jesus, when did that happen? _ "Well... uh... maybe if you put your hospital ones back on for now, then-"

"El." Olivia looked at him, eyebrows raised. "I would sooner die than put those awful things back on." She caught the look on his face and was immediately hit by a wave of guilt. _Shit._ "I'm sorry, El, that was a bad way to put it-"

_You're damn right it was._ "Liv, it's fine." Elliot frowned thoughtfully and looking at his watch. _If I get a cab, run in and out, and use the self scan, I can be back in twenty minutes._ "OK, Liv, there's a Target about a mile away, I'll be as quick as I can." He grabbed his coat and headed for the door. _It'll be fine. She'll be fine. It's OK, Elliot, she'll be fine. _"Will you be OK without me?" _I'm not going to come back and find you've done something, am I? I mean, yes, I've hidden all the sharp things and your drugs but-_

"El, I'll be fine." Olivia rolled her eyes, pushing back a pang of sadness. _Is... is he actually afraid to leave me by myself?_ "I'm an adult, I'm perfectly capable of being left alone for an hour or so." _...Right?_

"Well, OK..." Elliot opened the door, glancing uncertainly at her. _You might be an adult, Liv, but you're also fresh out of the psych ward. _"If you're sure..."

"I am." She smiled and kissed his cheek. "Go, El. I'll be fine." She took his hand and squeezed it reassuringly. "I love you."

"I love you too." He smiled and closed the door behind him, his footsteps disappearing down the hall, and then she was alone.

_I'm alone._

_Oh God, I'm alone._

Olivia looked around the empty apartment, crossing her arms tightly over her stomach and feeling a twinge of unease. It was the first time she'd been alone in over a month, and she wasn't sure she cared for it.

_OK. _

_OK, this is weird. _

_Come on, Olivia, you're not actually scared of being home alone, are you?_

_Well, no... _Olivia shifted awkwardly. _Not SCARED, exactly..._

_Oh my God, you are._

_You're actually scared of being alone._

_Do you have any idea how pathetic that is?_

_Look, cut it out, OK? _Olivia rolled her eyes and went to the kitchen, hoisting herself up to perch on one of the breakfast bar stools. _I just got home from the hospital and I haven't had a drink in weeks, I think I deserve to be a little off right now-_

_You don't deserve anything, Olivia._

_Fuck you. _Olivia felt a sudden burst of anger._ This isn't about That, this is about me being alone-_

_You might as well enjoy it while you can, Olivia. It's not like he's ever going to leave you alone again any time soon. Did you see the look on his face?_

_Yes._ Olivia bit her lip, feeling a pang of regret. _Yes, I did._

_He knows he can trust me, right?_

_He knows I won't... do anything, right?_

_Of course._ Olivia nodded to herself. _Of course he does. _

_Really? It didn't seem like he did._

Olivia started to chew on her fingernails, glancing across the room at the spot where the couch had been.

_I can't believe he actually got rid of the couch._

_What, was he scared I'd see it and freak out or something?_

She rolled her eyes. _Hell, I don't even remember the couch, I mean, I remember hearing him calling my name and I sort of remember the shower, and I remember the ambulance and him holding my hand, and-_

The phone suddenly started to ring in the bedroom and she jumped, accidentally biting down hard enough on her finger to draw blood. _Fuck._ She stuck her finger further into her mouth and sucked on it, wincing a little, waiting for the damn phone to stop ringing and go to answerphone. _Shut up, shut up, shut up, you noisy bastard..._

"Hi, Elliot, it's Alex, just another call to remind you it's Liv's court hearing on Monday and-"

Olivia's stomach lurched. _Fuck._ She scrambled to her feet and bolted towards the bedroom.

"Need to be at the courthouse at ten so-"

_Fuck fuck fuck-_

"Might want to prepare her in advance because J-"

She reached under the nightstand and yanked the phone jack out of the wall, abruptly silencing it.

_Haven't they gotten tired of all this stupid legal shit?_

_Why won't they just leave me alone?_

_Because they're trying to help you, Olivia._

_Yeah._ Olivia rolled her eyes and sat down heavily on the bed. _Sure they are._

_Hell, even if they were it wouldn't do any good._

_It's not like they're going to find him guilty._

_It's not like it's even going to trial._

_I've made sure of that._

She shook her head, chewing absently on her thumbnail.

_I can just hear the defence lawyers now, telling everyone what the doctors said, telling them how I got pissed and tried to seduce my boss, telling them how with a few drinks in me I'm anyone's-_

"FUCK!" Olivia kicked out at the nightstand, knocking it over and sending its contents scattering across the carpet. "Fuck fuck fuck fuck FUCK! You stupid BITCH!"

_God, I need a drink._

_I really need a drink._

She looked around the room, biting her lip, half-wondering if maybe Elliot had missed a bottle or two.

_No._

_No, I can't._

Another little voice popped up at the back of her head. _Why not?_

_Well, because... because..._

_One wouldn't hurt._

_Yes, it would. It would, it would be bad for... well, it'd be bad for, you know..._

_Bad for what? For the baby? Hell, I don't know, he could probably use a drink too, being stuck in there all day with-_

_No._

_Stop it, Olivia._

_You're better than that._

_Am I?_ Olivia sighed, leaned forward and started to massage her temples, forcing herself to take deep, reassuring breaths. _I'm sorry, I know, I know, I'm being silly..._

_Yes, you are._

_I know, I know, enough already..._ Olivia rolled her eyes and climbed to her feet, self-consciously tugging down the hem of her T-shirt as she knelt down beside the nightstand, carefully righting it and scooping everything back into the drawers_. Jeez, give me a break-_

_Hang on._ She stopped, her eyes widening. _Is that what I think it is?_

_I don't know, Olivia, what do you think it is?_

_I... well... _Olivia bit her lip, reached out and picked up the small leather box that had rolled almost under the bed. _It... well, it LOOKS like..._

She took a deep breath and flipped open the lid, upending the box and letting the ring fall into her palm.

_I didn't think he still had this. _She held the ring up, turning it so the stones caught the light. _Why does he still have this?_

_Maybe he hoped you'd change your mind._

_Seriously? _Olivia smiled bitterly, suddenly horribly afraid that she might cry. _After the way I turned him down?_

_What can I say, Olivia, he must really want to marry you._

_No, he doesn't._ She sighed to herself, tracing her finger around the edges of the setting. _He just thinks he should._

_But... _She felt her breath catch in her throat. _What if he actually does?_

_So what if he does?_

_Well..._ She took a deep breath, her fingers tightening around the ring, and then suddenly it was on her finger, the gold band cutting sharply into the webbing of her fingers as she held her hand up to the light. _I don't know, what if..._

_Don't be such a selfish bitch, Olivia._

_Oh, great, it's you again._ Olivia rolled her eyes sarcastically and reluctantly lowered her hand again. _I wondered where you'd gone._

_Cut the crap, Olivia, and put that ring back where you found it before he gets home._

_Why?_ Olivia felt a sudden burst of courage_. Why should I?_

_Because it's not yours._

_Fuck you._ Olivia looked back down at the ring, twisting it nervously around her finger. _It could have been. It could have been, if... if..._

_If what?_

_If... you know, if I hadn't..._ Olivia bit down hard on her lip, tasting blood in her mouth, and then she had yanked the ring back off her finger and crammed it back into the box, her heart pounding. _Jesus CHRIST, what was I thinking..._

_You were thinking of yourself, Olivia, as usual._

_No, that's not fair! _Olivia quickly swiped the tears out of her eyes, frantically shoving everything back into the nightstand and closing the drawers. _I'm not selfish, I'm not, not all the time-_

_Sure._

_I'm not, I'm NOT!_

_He doesn't love you, you know he doesn't love you, so why do you keep making him be with you, huh, Olivia? Why won't you just leave him be?_

_No, no, that's not true, he does love me, he has to love me, he saved me-_

_He's saved a lot of people, Olivia, and I don't think he loved any of them. Hell, some of them he probably didn't even LIKE._

_No, I gave him a chance, I did, he... he could have left me, it's not my fault he didn't, it's not my fault he called 911-_

_What the hell else do you think he would do, Olivia?_

_You were on his couch. ON HIS COUCH. You might as well have written "PS: I'm an attention seeker" right there on the note you left him-_

_No no no no no no NO-_

_You know what he thinks of child-killers, Olivia-_

"NO!" Olivia burst into tears, jumped up and fled the bedroom. _Shut up shut up shut up SHUT UP- _

"Liv?" Elliot frowned, closed the front door behind him and put down the bag he was holding, reaching out to take her hand. "What's wrong?"

_Jesus, did you sprint to Target and back? _"Uh..." Olivia wiped her eyes, resting her head against his shoulder as he wrapped his arms around her back. "I..." _I tried on your ring and then the nasty little man in my head told me that I was a selfish bitch. _ "I... I..." _He kept telling me that you didn't love me._ "Uh..." She looked up at him and forced a smile. "I, uh, broke your lamp."

_**A/N: So... uh... what did you think? Please send me a review and let me know... the little box is right down there! :D**_

_**Hopefully I'll see you guys again soon... words cannot describe how much I miss doing this.  
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